Playing with Loaded Dice

Hello, Arthur Hosmer here using my heavenly powers that Master Jasper taught me when I went to his haunting lessons classes. Being able to vanish and reappear at will is like playing with loaded dice. You always come up a winner.

BOO!

Ha Ha!

You should see the look on your face. Priceless.

In case you have forgotten, I was a forty-two divorced father of three when I ate some spoiled feta cheese and succumbed to food poisoning. Yeah, I know, not a very dignified way to go, eh? The next thing I know, I pass through a vortex and wound up in Limbo. I will be honest with you, Limbo is one of the most boring places I have ever been. All that changed when I met this guy Master Jasper who taught how to haunt. Just like that, life in Linbo wasn’t so boring.  

The first thing I did when I went a-haunting was to scare my ex-wife, Honnah’s new husband Eugene. At last report he was somewhere near Thailand still running and screaming about seeing ghosts. 

Heh-heh. 

Excuse me for gloating. 

Anyhow let me tell you how I wound up here as a lost soul floating aimlessly in The Void. It’s not as bad as they led me to believe.

“I need to have a word with you.” Mr. Piper caught me as I was returning from another haunting exposition. It is easy to spot him since he’s the only one in Limbo who wears a business suit and chairs the numerous staff meetings no one wants to go to. 

“Whatsup?” I tilt my head to one side trying not to display a disrespectful attitude. It’s hard. 

“You are really causing havoc aren’t you?” He coughs into his hand. It becomes obvious to me that he’s wearing a toupee. It waves me as he moves his head. 

“Havoc? How so?” I tilt my head the other way.

“Mr. Godot had a private meeting with me to go over some of your violations.” He threw his head back, nearly losing the precarious grip his toupee covering his bald spot. 

“What did Mr. Godot have to say?” I yawned no longer being able to disguise my complete apathy. 

“We should limit the hauntings to one trip a month.” He peered at me through one open eye, knowing all too well my explosive, lethal temper. 

“Great.” I surprised him by my agreeable reaction, “When’s a month up here since there are absolutely nothing to keep time around here.” 

“I will let you know.” He tried to smile, but failed miserably. 

“You do that.” I watched him walk away. I had plans to take a few of the souls with me on one of our haunting expositions. I missed my kids; Karla, Randy and Joey. When I went, I had fun doing haunting tricks for them. They started bringing their friends over to the house whenever I showed up. What really made it worthwhile is when Honnah would tell me as I was leaving, “It’s good to see you again, Art, even if you’re just a ghost.” 

I would be willing to bet if we were still together, I never would have eaten that tainted feta cheese that did me in. No use crying over spilled milk. It is what it is.

“Arthur, what did Mr. Piper want?” Jasper asked as I passed by his classroom.

“He wants me to haunt less. It seems I’m causing chaos.” I shook my head. “He claims Mr. Godot had a word with him.” 

“Naw, not possible. Mr. Godot has bigger fish to fry.” He chuckled. “There are ghosts I’ve heard about who spend a great deal of their eternity haunting drafty old castles filled with cobwebs.” He shuddered as he said, “cobwebs.” 

“I am going tonight. Wanna come?” I asked.

“Naw, I’ve got a class.” He shook his head.

“See ya later.” I waved as I walked out of his classroom. 

I considered dressing up since I was going to see Honnah and the kids. 

As it turned out this exposition would not be so great.

“Why don’t you stay home anymore, dad?” Karla asked with tears in her eyes.

“I don’t live here any more.” I answered, but the brutal fact remained that I wasn’t even alive anymore. How do you explain that to your daughter who is trying to put things together in her sixteen-year-old brain. “Mom has been going out with a bunch of losers.” 

“Should I have a talk with her?” I ask, looking into her crystal blue eyes that are filled with tears, “Mom said you were a jerk for eating that stuff that killed you.” 

“She did?” I was aghast upon hearing this. 

“Yeah.” Karla sighed, “I don’t know why you left in the first place. She loved you.” 

“She did?” I was aghast once again. 

“I prayed every night that you’d both get back together.” She shook her head.

Now I regretted being dead. I had no idea she wanted to get back together. Was my death really an accident or was I trying to put a final chapter on my life that suddenly felt like an anchor. 

“Sweetie, I have to get back…” I swallowed hard.

“Why? You could stay and haunt the attic.” She wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweater. 

“It doesn’t quite work like that, but you know I will be back soon.” I kissed her on the forehead even though she didn’t feel the touch of my lips. 

The colors whirled as I entered The Void with the others. When we arrived in Limbo, Mr. Piper was waiting.

“That’s him.” He pointed directly at me. Two big thugs grabbed me, one on either arm. “We have decided during a staff meeting that you need to learn a lesson.” 

“I did not do anything wrong.” I tugged, but neither of the thugs budged. 

“You Arthur Hosmer have deliberately disobeyed me.” Mr. Piper pointed an accusatory finger at me, “Boys lock him up.”

“For how long?” I asked as they dragged me off to confinement. That’s when I noticed Jasper was watching what was happening to me.

“When the door opens, you will be free.” Mr. Piper cackled as I was taken away.

Time is not a factor in Limbo. When the heavy door closed, I knew that I would occupy this dark cell for a while. There were marks on the wall from previous occupants. I did not feel like adding to their markings. 

“Psst.” I heard someone at the door. When I walked up to the barred window, I saw Jasper. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” 

“Aw, not really.” I sighed heavily, “My daughter told me a few things I’d be better off not knowing.”

“Kids can be rough.” He clicked his tongue. 

“Do you have any?” 

“What, children? Yeah I had a couple, but they grew old like I did. They had kids and so on. I’ve lost track.” He smiled and shook his head. “There’s nothing left of me anymore, but a strange photograph in the family album.” 

I nodded and closed my eyes so he would notice I was crying. 

“There is an old spell I used to know.” He offered as he pushed his stocking cap to the back of his chrome dome, “You can go back to the land of the living for just an hour, but once that hour is over, you can’t ever go back, not even to haunt.”

“So what happens to me?” I asked.

“You don’t want to know.” He shook his head slowly.

“I do.” I nodded.

“You will not be able to pass through The Void. You will become a lost soul in The Void.” His face betrayed his emotion about being a lost soul. 

I put my head on the door of the cell. I was torn. I closed my eyes and let the waves of my doubt wash over me. Could a single hour of eternity be worth such a sacrifice? I opened my eyes and looked at Jasper.

“If you can find that spell, I’d be so grateful.” I put my hands on the bars in the small window of the door. 

“See what I can do.” He winked, “My new students are lining up at the door.” 

“Take care Jasper.” I nodded as I wiped the tears away with my sleeve. 

I had no way of knowing when they planned to open the door to my cell, but I found out that another year had passed on Earth as Karla turned seventeen during my next visit.

“Where were you?” She asked when I appeared.

“I got into some trouble.” I confessed.

“Oh, just like always.” She sneered. “Well I’ve got a boyfriend now. What do you think of that?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. 

“Well, he’s really great.” She stuck out her lip like she did when she was lying as a child. 

“If you say so.” I shrugged again.

“A year? I will be graduating high school this year.” She glared at me.

“I know.” I bowed my head, “If I could have come any sooner, I would have.”

“Yeah just like when you left that night without telling any of us and mom wound up with that loser Eugene. She made me the flower girl. I hated it. Hated it.” She sneered. I heard footsteps so I shook my hips and disappeared. Honnah walked in after a single tap on the closed door.

“He’s here.” She sniffed.

“I’ll be down in a few minutes.” Karla snapped.

“Hurry up before he bores both of your brothers and me to death.” She turned and left the room.

“His name is Newman Bronson.” She told me.

“Newman?” I gasped for the first time on this exposition. 

“He’s taking me out to the movies. We are going to see an R rated film.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the room leaving me to shake my bootie and reappear. I decided to venture to the top of the stairs and get a gander at this Newman fellow. When I caught sight of him, I shook my hips and disappeared.

He was a total geek dressed in a wide neck shirt, skinny jeans, brown ankle high boots and some gold chains dangling over his hairless chest since his shirt was buttoned just above his navel. Even before opening his mouth, I could tell this guy was a complete loser. When he did open his mouth, he removed all doubt.

“Mom, Newman and I will be going now.” She took his arm.

“You all be chillin.’” He waved and together they walked out the front door. Invisible, I followed them as Newman handed her a motorcycle helmet. They got on a scooter parked on the curb.

“You’ve gotta be kidding?” I watched them putter away. When I went back inside.

“Mom, he’s a complete dweeb.” Randy snorted.

“Yeah, like he’s a joke.” Joey howled.

Shaking my bootie, I appeared.

“You let her-” I pointed to the door.

“Honestly Arthur, it’s not my fault. I did what I could, but she seems to like him.” Honnah shook her head.

“Mom, she’s using the love word again.” Randy lowered his head.

“Shut your mouth.” Honnah pointed her finger at him. “I will not have grandchildren that look like him.” 

“He must have used a bottle of product on that mop of hair.” Joey continued to howl.

“Arthur, can you do something? She’s your daughter.” Honnah said as tears streamed down her face.

“I will.” I moved my hips and disappeared.

It wasn’t hard finding them. Most people were smart enough to know how awful the movie was, but when I saw Newman put his arm around her and move in for the kill, I knew I had to take action. I would turn myself into the Green Goblin. When Newman’s hand went to undo her bra, I appeared in the seat next to him as the green monster that never failed to scare the bejesus out of anybody. His high pitched scream disturbed the other eight patrons in the theater. He ran out of the theater.

“Oh daaadd.” Karla turned to me. I was still the Green Goblin.

“That was your boyfriend?” I started to transform back into my ghostly self. 

“Was. I doubt he will be after this.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. I felt as if I had done my job as a father even if I was dead. 

When I got back, Jasper was waiting for me. 

“You must say these words…exactly.” Jasper handed me a piece of paper. “You will stay human for exactly one hour.” 

“Got it.” I snatched the paper from his hands.

“Once the hour passes you will never be able to do this again.” He put his knuckles under his chin, “And you will never be able to haunt there again.” 

“I can’t haunt my home anymore?” I looked him in the eyes.

“Correct.” He nodded. “Do you still want to do it?”

“I have to.” I bowed my head.

“I’m sorry, it’s the best I can do.” He put his hand on my shoulder, “You are and always will be my favorite student.” 

I looked up into his eyes as a smile spread on my face.

“Thanks my master.” I bowed to him.

“You do what you have to do.” He slapped my shoulder. 

For some reason passing through TheVoid, I sensed a disturbance even though I held the hand of one of the members of the exposition as we trespassed into the land of the living. 

“This is fun.” The lady whose hand I was holding shouted out with glee. 

I landed in the shrubbery along the driveway. That stupid scooter was on the curb telling me Newman was here. The night air was cool as autumn raced forward. 

I removed the card from my robe and tried to read the words as twilight took over the sky. Jasper told me when I was ready to say the words and once I was transformed, I would have exactly one hour, no more, no less. 

I said the words. Nothing happened. I began to panic. What happens if the words were written down incorrectly? Or due to the lack of light, I could not read the words at all? 

A vision of the dark theater as Newman’s hands went to that forbidden place.

I said the words again, slowly.

I felt as if a giant hand had grabbed me as all the colors swirled around me. Closing my eyes I waited until the rollercoaster ride stopped.

When I opened my eyes, I felt my hands and touched my face.

I was human again.

I had an hour to do what I came to do.

Knocking on the door, Randy opened it to let me in, “Dad?” 

“Yes, I will explain later.” I pushed past him. I walked directly to Newman. “You! Hands off my daughter.”

“Make me.” He shook his head as if I was nobody.

“Dad!” Karla’s eyes were wide.

“Hands off.” I said again grabbing him by the lapels of his out of fashion shirt. He brought his hands up, but I used a right hook. When I heard the crack of his nose I knew he would not be a problem anymore.

“Dad, you broke his nose.” She was kneeling by his side as blood and tears ran through his fingers. 

“Good.” I said with pride.

“Arthur, you better be on your way.” Honnah pushed me from the side.

“I did what any father would do.” I was breathing heavily, something I hadn’t done for a while.

“Way to go, dad.” Randy cheered.

“Man, he’s really bleeding.” Joey smirked.

“I’ll get an ice pack.” Honnah hustled into the kitchen. 

“Why?” Karla looked up at me. “Why did you do that to him?” 

“Because I wanted to protect you from this guy.” I touched her cheek as Honnah returned with an ice pack in her hands.

“Shit, you’re real.” Karla stood up in amazement.

“What?” Honnah asked, standing there with the ice pack.

“Dad is real.” She touched my face. 

“No sweetie…” Honnah also touched my face. When she did her eyes opened wide. “Oh my God.” 

“Dad?” Randy hugged me.

“No shit!” Joey exclaimed. “Sorry mom.” 

“Hey, what about me? I’m bleeding over here.” Newman was dripping blood all over his shirt. Honnah threw the ice pack in his lap as he sat wounded on the floor. 

While Newman found his way out the door, we five remained huddled in a family hug for an hour. 

“I have to go.” I told them, “This was just temporary.” 

“No dad, not again.” Karla moaned.

“I’m afraid so, sweetheart.” I could feel the transition begin. “I love you all so much.”  

The next thing I knew I was hurdling toward The Void alone. I held nobody’s hand as I arrived. I would become a lost soul, but somehow, it did not seem so bad, because I had the memory of my last hour. I had been fortunate to cram as much love as possible on those who mattered most to me. I wish I had been that smart the first time around. Just goes to show when you’re playing with loaded dice the odds, no matter how incredibly impossible the odds may seem, with love, you will always come up a winner.