Running with Desires

I touch the knob of the whispering door. Enticing me from scratched glass. Entrapped in a perfectly preserved frame. I’ve made it outside. It’s chilly without layers, but once I move my body will grow warm.

The grass prickles more than I remember and dampness soaks into my woven fabric. I’m present for the first time. Listening to every heartbeat. Feeling blood rush through my veins. It doesn’t leave me in a frantic state.

I’m, for once, at peace.

I can’t go back now. Not this time. I’ll leave everything for a day; maybe a week. It’s my only chance at freedom.

Darkness lurks; seeping ominous intent, but I trust it’ll console me this time. Creatures scratch from inside the windows, clouding visibility. I ignore their animalistic screeches. There is no use now. I’m finally free.

My dress flows in the sparkling breeze, bedazzling me. I’m a star being blessed upon by the moon.

The moon’s my anchor. Dedicated to looking up to it every night; taking in its beauty. The only thing that can cut through the noise. Easing another night of consuming thoughts. Stopping me from peeling off my skin, like a bird plucking its feathers.

Walking down the driveway, a moment of embarrassment crawls up my skin. Feeling revealed existing out in the open, but only for a moment before I begin to twirl, jump, and soar.

“The moon is watching over you. You are protected.”

The trees whisper to me as I leap by; following a trail in the woods. Restraints fall heavy on the packed dirt. Rocks stab into me. Cutting through like glass. Sometimes a trio of sticks join in on the fun as their cracks of laughter echo into the night. A numbness spreads up my legs; arms no longer feeling chilly.

The lively forest filled with whispering, buzzing, and scurrying is drowned out by a car passing by; now two. I see concrete in the distance. I can follow it like a river with no destination. Leading me to something better.

Dashing towards the end I jump on to gravel. The moonlight shines on me. Energizing my legs as I skip along this new trail. It’s chilly and damp. Memories try to wake my brain, but my churning stomach blocks each passing reminiscent.

I’m here to dance like I sometimes imagined. No, it’s time to perform like all the times I’ve imagined; almost to perfection. Hiding in a quilted blanket and silky bed. Looking out the window in envy of the Luna moths dancing throughout the night. They shine like no other.

I can be honest with myself. No one can stop me. If a car took me tonight at least my wretched body would give a pearly smile. Maybe I’ll shine too.

I hope to be reincarnated into someone that looks and acts the part. Someone who’s good enough. Never needing to poke and prod deep into my skin again.

A perfect person with a perfect smile.

If not, hopefully I can wake with no one around. A place where stars and the moon can truly glow. Surrounding me in all its glory. Living in the present to spin and sing to my hearts content.

A piano and set of violins play. Active bugs, a rumbling, and I sing along. All these dreamy scenes play joyfully. Wet, grainy nature fills my nose. Leaves shiver next to this road I dance upon.

A road. I’m on a road.

A horn forcefully screeches behind; ripping me out of my daydream limb by limb. I run, but my sweaty palms and thundering heart tear my focus. Stumbling over to a new path around the corner. My legs suddenly tingle; body shaking vigorously. They can’t contain the pounding of my heart. Trying to escape and fly away; only to be restrained by the weights I thought were left behind.

Frantically trying to catch my breath, fluorescent like lights burn me. I’m fully exposed to the world. Nothing could ever cover me like a blanket.

“I wish to be run over into nothing.” I whisper this plead, but even now as my head hits the layered pavement. I never get exactly what I wish for.

You stand from a window. It’s sturdy despite the rattling glass. Seducing you to come look and see. Right outside. Almost bursting with energy.

You inch away by instinct. Vibrations reverberate in your skull. Guts tangling and shifting; keeping you frazzled.

“At least one look,” the empty house listens as you step forward. Floorboards should creak; the ceiling fan should tick as it sways, but each sound is stuck in a vacuum of silence.

Peeking over to investigate the scene. “Unbelievable,” the words don’t bounce off the walls; they sink into your skin, “utterly pathetic.” A familiar voice repeats such harsh words, but you sit still. Watching a woman dance away with a snotty face. Heart pouring a river, dilated eyes reflecting the starry sky, and throat bursting into flames.

They roar in laughter; then wail away. Fully engrossed in the experience of emotions.

You listen to the cries, laughs, and screams. As they flow in euphoria then fall into despair. Expressing their self in ways you could never imagine. Every step is meaningful. Every turn is special. Every moment counts.

Stars twinkle around, below, and above. Moon swaying side to side. Dancing along to a comfortable tune. Noises dampen before distant waters refocus your interest. Sparkling so vividly in the electromagnetic field.

Looking down at your chest. You feel for your heart. A ping of pain cages your soul. Black fabric bundling in your hand. Vibrations come to a halt; a shadow looms over. Your body can keep composure, but what you fail to understand is that control’s a one-way-street. It’s stripped away in an instant once a crack forms in the character you have carefully sculpted. Dewy-eyed under the gaze. Lips start to tremble. Your breath becoming ragged.

The woman now stands outside the window. Staring at your puffy dark circles; meeting your dull pupils. The air surrounding her freezes. House feeling unusually hot in comparison.

Examining the exhilaration in her smile. The inner tilts of her eyebrows. Eyes twinkling with hope as her body radiates an unexpected glow. Body wearing each feeling at once.

Placing a palm on the window. She gently encourages you to do so in return. The body that pushed through the exhaustive performance has a stable breath. The glass underneath cracks and crumbles like candy. You each interlace fingers over the other. Feeling more at home than ever as you hang onto the resilient, plush body.

When the soft fingertips begin to pull layers off your heart. The chair falls out of range as you stumble back into the house. Sharp, lanky figures form around. “Impossible,” each gasp feels suffocating, “what were you thinking?” Her smile widens as they creep closer. “Don’t leave, it’s dangerous,” but you know deep down that’s not true.

Each black figure gathers underneath and pushes you back up. Trusting in the broad smile that beams back. It comforts you.

Shakily crawling through the window; slipping off the ledge. The woman catches you. You jump back before hesitantly grabbing the silky dress. The windows of the house are clear. Layers are gently peeled off one by one as an unfamiliar voice opens up your heart.

“There’s a mirror here. I want you to look into it for a while. Even if it’s not at yourself.” Those words loosen the controlling restraints on your heart.

Embracing the offered hand; you tightly squeeze it before looking at the woman through the mirror. They feel vaguely familiar. Someone you’ve known for a long time, but the first time seeing them for who they are.

Closed eyes wait at the mirror. Losing track of time before slowly fluttering open; gazing straight ahead. Chills slide down your spine causing you to gasp; then yelp. The familiar face stares back at you. Your legs give out. Dropping to your knees.

A hug envelopes from behind; merges into your skin. Unable to control the heavy emotions you’ve held closely. Eyes weep, throat bursts into flames, and heart pours to the transparent surface. Too messy to control; too powerful to contain.

Eyes burn after each wipe. Thinking on life before you got here. Your family was always there. Small, but extremely supportive. You unnecessarily built walls and developed different masks to hide in plain sight.

Maybe that’s where it all started. Once you tired yourself out with a never ending hide and seek. Your old and new experiences became dull.

Now, after the fact, they feel bright. Slowly regretting ever thinking the way you did. The moon comes over urging you to sit. The stars cover and warm you. A film of memories play.

Hearing the laughter of your family. The awkward jokes shared among friends. Your favorite river frozen over to walk upon. Air freezing each breath. The pictures and planning done along the way for the next spring. Documenting it all for future you to look upon. At least, now you know why you did it. After the fact. After the death.

The moon sends twinkling lights to clean your face. Eyes wander down the river of tears your heart poured. Ripped socks now planted down on a chilling surface.

I stand on a hospital floor. Soles peek through my socks. Touching the cool, shiny surface. Scents invade my nose. Clean and stale. Mumbling carry from outside the door as my siblings sit next to an occupied bed where the body lies still, deserted. Faint weeping escapes; filling the room. Accompanied by slow breaths.

A trio of tear-stained faces continue to stare absently as my mother’s unusually soft footsteps cautiously enter the room. She squeezes out her voice with a sore throat.

“She would want us to sleep in a comfortable place and come back tomorrow.” Her puffy eyes gloss over while hugging each of them as they walk through the door.

I find myself in the vacant passenger seat. Mom drives in silence; everyone is lined up dozing off in the back. Leaving the front seat I always occupy open. They can’t help but sleep away the exhaustion of the hospital environment. At least that’s what I tell myself. As I watch mom’s tears fall down each cheek. In my heart, I know the true reason.

The journals previously hidden have been ransacked, but instead of feeling betrayed it’s guilt that consumes. Noticing the goodbye messages written years ago. Tear stained and smeared. I didn’t have the confidence then. I hope they remember me even when it’s fully erased.

As they gather again to leave the house I try to reach out to each grim face. Hoping one of them can feel my last embrace. Something I couldn’t give them before I lost control of my desires.

Nothing. They feel nothing.

Sitting in the quilted blanket; covering up this neglected body. I watch out the window. Wasps zip past, butterflies feast on pollen, and cars pass by once in a while breaking the silence. Life has moved on.

I walk down my favorite road without a camera. Left to drown in my thoughts; hoping for reincarnation soon. Tears pool inside my eyes unexpectedly. Reincarnation should make me happy.

Making my way for our sacred trail. Listening for the river. It’s warmer in the day; noisier too. Birds sing through the leaves. Critters are on the hunt for supper. Fallen leaves float across the slow river.

“You may hear the tip that if you get lost rivers lead to civilization, but be weary. They can lead to cliffs. Always be aware of your surroundings.” The motherly voices echoes the warning.

Maybe following it like a river wasn’t the best idea. A chuckle leaks out as I watch my flawed face wobble in the reflection. Sounds of a struggling Luna moth diminish the river. I carefully attempt to release it only for it to leave me in the dirt. It dances peacefully once again.

No one can see me. I can finally cry without worry. Face scrunching with a weary smile. Screams lurch out, but the space is undisturbed. I felt something I used to control squirm under my skin, but I allow the storm to rage on. Regret erupts to the surface. My desires have changed. I run as the hot air starts to cool, sunset coming in fast.

“I regret it!” Screaming out into the empty streets. It’s after rush hour; the sky turns pink. “I regret all of it! I miss them all!” Already running out of breath. My heart begins to pound. Damaging the cage it was contained in for too long. The sky turns blue. Street lights begin to wake.

“I can’t miss this! I know I can make it! I beg! Please let me make it! I won’t,” gasping as my stamina weakens, “wish for death ever again.” Pushing through each painful step. “I promise! I won’t make them suffer. I won’t take my life for granted!” I yell, hoping for something to hear me with my remaining oxygen.

Tripping in front of the glass entrance. I catch my breath before scrambling up the stairs to the correct floor. Finding a doctor leaving the room I’ve been desperately searching for.

Family sit around silent. Mom lays a hand on cold scarred knuckles. Feet feeling heavy again. I acknowledge myself in the mirror. Observing the puffy eyes and snot-ridden face.

Instead of letting the nagging voice ridicule, I sit on the warmed bed. Lying down in it myself. Mimicking everything down to my rested expression. Listening to the sounds of my stable heart monitor. Feeling their hopeful energy fixating on my body.

I think about everything that happened since leaving that night. I can’t help but well up again. A tear instantly falls down my cheek. A gasp cuts through the quiet as I feel a gentle hand wipe my eye.

Everything suddenly feels heavy. Finding it hard to breathe I plead one more time. “Please bring me back to my family,” as those words repeat in my head, my heartbeat changes rhythm.

My body’s sore, stomach’s empty, and legs are wrapped tightly. I feel weak when sitting up. The fluorescent lights blind me. Surrounded by frantic movements and shouting, but I focus on the screams from mother and the gasps of my siblings.

When I open my eyes, everyone stares at me. I look back and the body is gone; my clothes have been changed. I can’t help but start panicking. All the pent up anxiety and hope releases. Family hanging on to me. Stopping me from attempting to leap out of bed.

I can feel my breath becoming ragged as tears flood my vision. Lights now blurred. I latch on to my family’s weight as their grips strengthen.

Looking through the camera’s viewfinder. I snap pictures of the river. No matter how many times I return there’s always something new.

The youngest pulls on my lace sleeves. “Can I try the camera?”

“Just one moment. Stay right here.” I request while stepping back; snapping this moment. “Come look at this.”

They step closer in reply.

“As you can see it’s easy. All you need to do is look through this piece right here, aim, and snap!” Taking more photos of family and friends sitting by the water. I save the best ones. Looking at each one with a soft grin.

As I drape the strap around their neck they glance over all the buttons.

“I know it looks overwhelming, but right now you only need to press this button.” Leaning over their shoulder to help aim. Ensuring they can see well.

“I want to take one of mom.”

“Okay,” encouraging them from a distance, “then aim and stay steady.” They aim awkwardly, but press the button confidently.

“I’m done!” Holding the camera up high. I can’t help but laugh before helping them find the button to view. Mom doesn’t like being on camera, but she smiles softly into the lens.

“Oh wow! This looks great you’re a natural!” Pointing over towards everyone playing in the water. “Practice a bit more. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay, but promise to keep teaching me!” Holding out their pinky.

I wrap mine around there’s tightly. “I promise.”

As they run off; I inch over to mom. She’s watching the young ones closely while laughing at the group’s shenanigans.

“Teaching looks good on you.”

Hesitantly sitting down next to her. “I don’t know. I’m not the best at explaining things.” Replying instantly before pressing on. “You didn’t avoid the camera this time.”

“I was distracted watching you guys.” Gazing lovingly ahead. “It makes me happy seeing you guys so close.”

“Well, you did work hard to keep us close.”

She smiles quietly before releasing the words she has been too scared to say throughout my recovery. “You know, I read the letters in your journals.”

“Yeah.” Nodding in acknowledgment.

She meets my eyes. “Things were hard when you left. The doctors didn’t think you’d wake.”

“I see.” My chest starts to tighten.

“You know we are always here for you right?”

I break eye contact. “I know.”

“Then why?”

“I’m sorry.” I can’t meet her eyes, staring holes into the ground.

Releasing a sigh before standing. “I don’t want you to apologize. I just wish I could understand. Maybe I can help.”

Keeping still, I try to release these masks I seek comfort in.

As she sits, small words fall from my heart. “All I need right now is support. Things have changed a lot while others haven’t changed at all. Maybe with time things will get better.”

“I’ll always support you. You’ve improved with communicating so,” handing me a couple pieces of candy, “just tell me if you need me.”

“I know, I will.” The comforting offer and company release my heart. “Thanks.” The river sparkles and everyone shines, including me.