AM

TW: Contains disturbing themes

If I ever had to cast a Patronus charm, it would be conjured from a memory that had Mia in it. 

You know how they say the first time you meet someone, you would have no idea that they would change your life so much? But I knew. The moment those meteor grey eyes pierced into mine, I accepted my fate that from then on, my life would be divided into two: Before Mia and After Mia. 

Mia saved me from my own darkness and gave me the will to go on. I was on the edge, I would not be here right now if it wasn’t for Mia. I’m still in disbelief that a literal accident changed the course of my life.

For a little context, I’m writing this to prove to myself that I have never felt sharper, more certain of myself. Penning this down, I’m beginning to see the level of clarity possessed by the inner workings of my mind. I may not be the most lawful good character you’d come across, but at the same time I really don’t believe that I’m a villain either. All of us are morally grey to a large extent. 

After a whole week of unfortunate events, I did not even flinch when the crash happened. I remained seated until Mia was in my field of vision. It was like watching an ethereal being materialise; goodness gracious, the most beautiful, alluring woman I have laid my eyes on, ever. As though I were in a trance, I got down from my car, not even trying to resist her magnetic pull. 

The streetlights shining on her dark hair. The dented bumper of her white Mazda. The panic in her eyes. Everything else around me started getting blurry, and I felt dizzy, but I don’t think I had a concussion because there was barely a dent on my car. She must have said a hundred words in that minute, but I somehow lost the ability to understand the only language I have known. The timbre of her voice became my favourite tune as she was apologising. 

I watched her voluminous, rosy lips move, and I wanted to kiss her and never pull back. I wanted to embrace her the very second, to feel her smooth hands on my face and for me to brush my beard stubble on her soft cheekbones. 

I first met Mia at Brett Fenwick’s party. She was glowing. I have never seen a halo around a person before but it never faded, not in any of the numerous times I met her. She was in a black, off-shoulder blouse, and a pair of slacks. I can vividly remember her gleaming smile with polished teeth but I’d be lying if I said my eyes did not dart to her bare, slender neck and collarbones. The smudged liner along her lash line brought out her eyes, her irises like storm clouds. We exchanged niceties and went in different directions, but I had lost all enthusiasm to make small talk with some of my former university mates that Brett had invited to the party. 

I kept trying to find her in the crowd, not that it was difficult as she had that halo, but I did not want to make it obvious. The night progressed and we somehow found our ways back in the quiet corner of the rooftop. There was so much tension for two people meeting for the first time, I could tell she sensed it too. I did not want the night to end, and from the pleading of her doe eyes, I knew she felt the same. I had to do something, I could not let this opportunity go to waste because I knew that Mia is certainly a once-in-a-lifetime person and if I missed her, I would spend my days with the greatest regret till eternity. 

The universe gave me the biggest nudge, when at that very second, “I Wanna Be Yours” by Arctic Monkeys started blasting in the background. Mia gasped how this was her favourite song and I had goosebumps! What are the odds! Because it was mine too! The very first point of conviction that we were soulmates! It felt like a scene from a movie, because what perfect timing, the song, and the way she ruffled my hair when the first snowfall of that winter landed on my short, wispy curly hair. However, I did not end up asking her out that night. I just did not have the courage. I was taken aback by the intensity of my emotions towards Mia, I never felt anything like that before. I could not make the decision in time and I hated myself for it. 

I knew I had to compensate for my cowardice that night, so I spent the next two weeks contemplating. I contemplated so much that I may as well be renamed to Hamlet. I gathered adequate information about Mia, I did find her Instagram profile, and when I was sure she did not have an active dating life, I made my plans. I was not expecting anything to happen in particular, except for another opportunity to bump into her. 

So when the crash happened, it was so unexpected. I knew it was Mia driving ahead of me, but I did not expect her to stop the car abruptly, causing a minor collision. You may not believe in soulmates, but neither did I for more than 37 years. Events of my life had proven me such. However, when she was the one causing me to bump into her, literally in this case, I was beyond assured that it was meant to be. I even had this tinge of doubt that maybe, just maybe, she knew it was me driving behind her and halted her vehicle on purpose. 

She recognised me from the party as I got down from the car, and began apologising profusely for her terrible driving skills. She wanted to make it up to me, so I knew the ball was in my court and I would not miss it this time. I invited her to my cafe, without making it too weird, casually mentioning that a local band is playing Arctic Monkeys’ popular songs that weekend. 

If I had any uncertainties about her feelings towards me, the next few weeks erased them completely. Mia dropped by almost every week, and I knew I was falling for her when seeing Mia show up at my door on Saturdays felt like seeing daylight. It only got intense over time. I did not know whether it was in the waves of her hair or the hollows of her dimples, I lost my heart and soul somewhere in between. 

6 days of waiting every week was pure agony, and when we did meet, the physical distance made it much worse. I was losing control by the hour, by the minute, by the s e c o n d. 

I learnt to live for the little moments. Little moments like when our fingers accidentally brushed, the way she wiped my misty glasses when we walked out in the drizzle one night, the playful pat on my arm for my bad jokes, and when she told me I look charming with my sleeves rolled up. 

However, when she leaned in closer to whisper over the loud band, I was tempted, I was so, so tempted to grab her face and kiss her lips to the beats of our beloved song. I managed to stop greed getting the best of me because that might ruin the good thing we had going. I knew kissing her would not be enough, I wanted her blood to run through my veins, and her heart to beat in my chest. I was completely, madly, hopelessly, in love with Mia. 

I would relive my most painful memories if I knew Mia was the one waiting for me at the end of it all. She soon became my entire reason of existence, and the very first time we addressed our feelings, it had the relief of finally arriving home after a long trip. And when we made love that night, I just did not want it to end. 

Secrets I have held in my heart

Are harder to hide than I thought

Maybe I just wanna be yours

I wanna be yours, I wanna be yours. 

I just wanna be yours, Mia Fenwick. If you are the only good thing to happen in my life, I would die a happy man. 

Everyone wants to judge, to point fingers, but they weren't there. There’s no indication of you being 15, Mia. Not in the way you carry yourself. Not in how effortlessly you match my mind. I thought you were at least in college and you know this isn’t on me. You did not have to do any of this. But you did. You wanted me too. You love me too, don’t you? You wanted this just as badly as I did, didn't you?