09_ Swimming in Goodbyes

Sonny and I were back at Paddington station after spending the day together, smiling as we faced each other by the ticket barriers. He’d taken both my hands in his, swinging them lightly with a familiarity that I didn’t know we had but didn’t reject. We had only met for the first time today– how could we be so at ease? More terrifyingly, why was I no longer rejecting it?

He had been relentless with physical contact: the hand holding, the slight bumps as we walked down the streets, the reassuring pats and squeezes on my shoulder, arms, and hands– I could not tell if they were for him or for me. Every touch had the underlying tone of either, I cannot believe you are here or I don’t want to let go. Maybe on a deeper level, I didn’t mind either one.

“Miyu! Thank you for seeing me today!” Sonny said smiling, “It was really good!” Another reassuring squeeze that I smiled weakly at, “come Bristol at some point, and you can meet Caleb and everyone else!”

Our hands remained swinging, the childlike sincerity sweeping away all notions of discomfort and alienation. An inexplicable warmth that sometimes flickered when I read heartfelt messages or watched baby animal videos on YouTube had been growing since we started our day 7 hours ago. Where and when this flame originated from, I had not quite deciphered but I knew that I enjoyed it and wanted to maintain it, tend to it.

“Definitely– would be good to meet everyone,” I could feel the corners of my eyes crinkle with a nervous joy. It most definitely would be nice to meet everyone. I had been integrated into Sonny’s social circles and enjoyed speaking to them cordially; maybe meeting them will bring me the same joy as I did meeting Sonny.

Well well well– isn’t someone hopeful…

Is it so wrong to be hopeful?

You tell me… you were hopeful with Dex… weren’t you?

Although I was looking right at Sonny, I could not hear him– I kept nodding, always maintaining that soft smile on my face in hopes that Sonny wouldn’t catch me miles and miles away as he continued to thank me for the day and list out all the things we could do in Bristol together.

“Anyways– as for what I said earlier…” Sonny started and was shortly interrupted by a service announcement, his train was about to depart. “I know it’s complicated with Dex and you're still sort of dating and I don’t want to push you…”

But you do, that’s why you are bringing it up.

Let him finish.

“But let me know. I don’t need an answer straight away but–” he squeezes my hand for, what? Reassurance? Reinforcement? There were a lot of ‘buts’, “let me know.”

I nodded, although I wasn’t sure what I was letting him know. “Okay, will do.”

He finally let go of my hands to catch his train, fumbling to find his ticket, “I’ll text you on the train and when I get back.”

“Okay, see you soon.”

“See ya!”

Sonny gave an awkward little wave salute that could be misconstrued as slightly fascist and turned to leave. I stood there a little longer, watching and waving back when he turned around again before breaking into a jog to catch his train.

What are you going to tell Dex?

I’m not sure. What do I even tell him?

I don’t know.

--

I often thanked the London Underground system for its lack of phone service; being unable to use the internet meant there were no distractions nor notifications to interrupt prime reading or daydreaming time. But that day, I did not read nor daydream– I sat there with my headphones on, replaying a song on loop that I’d had for the last 3 weeks and pretended I was back at the aquarium, sitting at the bottom of the ocean.

Oceans - Soda Island, Spire

I replayed scenes from the aquarium again and again in my head, the way the soft blue light hit Sonny’s face when he half confessed but also half questioned his affection for me. ‘I think I like you?’ That means he doesn’t know if he does or not, right? That he is unsure? Are people often unsure about their feelings and affections towards other people? They must be right? Because I am unsure. Why do I relate to the ‘I think’ so deeply? Is it because I also think I like Sonny? Or was it because he said he liked me? Would it not be absurd to like someone simply because they liked me?

After Sonny’s quiet admission, we just stood there looking at each other while being an inconvenience to all other aquarium visitors. In all honesty, I was in shock– shock that he admitted it so freely as if it was something I should have known. My face must have reflected something awful because he looked hurt at my reaction; I tried to reenact the facial expression I had at that moment to understand what I was feeling: confusion? Bewilderment? No… Not quite.

Disgust.

I chuckled and grinned stupidly to myself in my seat, only stopping when I caught sight of my reflection in the window opposite. My reflection glared back at me with such intensity that I had to look away. The human condition really is an enigma; here I was, almost offended when Sonny questioned whether or not he liked me with his ‘I think I like you?’ but I was also disgusted when I heard it? The hypocrisy and irony of the whole situation is lost on me.

You want to be liked but you cannot bear it. You silly girl.

The truth in that was unbearable; I had no reason to believe that Sonny could like me. Not when I was still in an uncomfortable back-and-forth with Dex, not when we were constantly making up and breaking up. It had been months since we last spoke and I found myself constantly checking my notifications to see if he had messaged on any platform but I was only met with silence. Why would anyone want a girl so messy? A girl so tangled up in her own chaotic life?

Sonny grabbed my hand again after our touching little moment and began pulling me along to the next exhibit, “good, good– I was worried that I’d upset you.”

“No– no, of course not. I am fine. Let’s go,” I hastily put back on a smile to resume normalcy despite my inner turmoil. Just because I was upset did not mean that I had to sour the mood for Sonny also; plus, why should I punish him for his half confession?

Because he has no idea who you are and apparently, isn’t even sure if he likes you. And you don’t like being hopeful.

Shut up.

We continued through the rest of the aquarium, both of us a little quieter than when we first arrived. Sonny was now more attentive openly, escalating the frequency of physical contact now that he had said his piece while maintaining that sunny demeanor. I was torn between being skeptical and confused, and simply accepting; as much as I wanted to press on his statement and his intentions and my own, I also did not want to ruin the moment. Everything around me had been stressful; work, my home life, my work life, my lacklustre love life– why should I fight affection that was being handed to me? Why not just enjoy Sonny and his company?

Because it could have been anyone. Sonny just happened to be here.

You’re wrong.

I often observed people when I was confused by them; hoping to just understand them better. Over the next several exhibits, I watched him closely– trying to understand him a bit more. Why would someone like Sonny, sunshine incarnate think that he would like someone like me? Someone who… I don’t even have an idea of what or who I was anymore.

I watched Sonny laugh at the penguins diving in and out of the waters, his fascination with the jellyfishes in the rainbow coloured tanks and his willingness to join in on my childhood song about piranhas. I peppered our interactions with endless questions about what he thought and how he felt about everything and nothing: from sea creatures to his views, opinions and ambitions. It was easier to talk to him in real life as I could gauge his reaction in real time; I watched his face as he processed his answers and how he would always smile and laugh before saying ‘I don’t know’.

“Oh come on! I don’t know! I haven’t thought that far!” Sonny laughed when I asked him about his future, “I am happy with where I am and that’s that! I try not to think too hard.”

I felt my face scrunch in confusion when I heard his answer, what does it mean to not have ‘thought that far?’ And what is this luxury of being happy with where he was? Surely one should always always think about their next steps, no? Otherwise how would they know what to do next?

Sonny continued chuckling when he saw my face, “oh come on, don’t look at me like that– not everyone has a clear cut career path like you do with Architecture and knows what they are doing…” his voice got softer as it trailed off and he shrugged, “I just take the days as it comes, y’know? I guess get a better job? Save up enough to move out?”

He broke into a huge grin, “I’d like a wife also–” and that answer earned him a light slap on the arm. The audacity of the cheeky bugger!

I felt an overwhelming surge of embarrassment and almost guilt rise to my throat when I caught myself smiling at Sonny’s responses. Although I still remember the moments where I questioned him, wrinkled my nose at him for mindless comments and single word answers– I found myself warming to him. Warming to his sense of humour, his simplistic views of the world and how carefree he was. He openly admitted that he didn’t think much, said what he thought and just took life as it came.

Just before we left the aquarium, Sonny and I sat on a bench in front of the shark tank– watching them almost languidly gliding through the waters. Sonny had his head on my shoulder and it was heavy but I didn’t protest.

“You ever… imagine that the fish are like… flying? But in water..?” Sonny mused, completely serious in tone.

An involuntary chuckle escaped my lips as I gently shook him off my shoulder, turning to look at Sonny square in the face with a mixture of disbelief and amusement with a smidge of disappointment. How Sonny often had thoughts that felt like they’d come from someone who was either extremely drunk or under the influence was beyond me.

“Sonny… I think…that is called… swimming?” I said between stifled giggles.

Sonny laughed so loudly that I had to shush him so we didn’t draw too much attention to ourselves. Another couple on the other bench gave us a questioning look, what could be so funny when simply looking at fish?

“See, Miyu?! This is why I like you! Fish flying in water is called swimming! Of course! Oh my God Miyu– you’re so smart!”

If that was Sonny’s standard of smart, I was terrified to know what sort of company he kept.

--

My phone buzzed in my hand as I walked home, I scrolled down the notifications and smiled when I saw Hamu, Sonny’s username pop-up on my screen. Although I knew I met him today, there seemed to be quite a distinction between the online persona Hamu that I’d befriended for a while and the real life Sonny that I met today. I couldn’t tell if I preferred online Hamu or real life Sonny; maybe online given the familiarity of his online personality and our interactions via text.

Or, it’s because you prefer the distance, the illusion of control you have when it’s all digital. You cannot openly ignore someone in real life but you can online.

You prefer him on Discord because then you can decide when to reply. So that you can take as long as you want to ponder, to think– to hide.

You just don’t want to be put on the spot.

He had sent me a string of messages, ones which included a selfie of himself on the train– smiling goofily as well as a couple of photos he had taken throughout the day. Something in my chest did a small flip when I saw his smiling face and I didn’t know when I had decided on this but now that I had seen his smile in real life, I wanted to maintain it, even if it had to be from a distance digitally.

Hamu: :BIGHAMU:

thnk u for today again

lol

we should hang out again soon

train rides are so boring

When I was finally back in the privacy of my own room, I lay on my bed to reply to Sonny.

Miyu: thank you also for today

i had fun also

weird- i really like train rides, they are the best time to read

find something to read

And we were back to our normal dynamic; meaningless back and forths where he ‘lol’s when I question his life choices. Although there were times I found our conversations frustrating and unfulfilling– I couldn’t help but also find them endearing.

You just like having Sonny around because he makes you feel good.

And is that such a sin?

And then a new name popped up in my notifications.

Dex: care to explain?

His message had a screenshot attached; a screenshot of a post Hamu had just made on social media with a photo of me looking up in the shark tunnel captioned, ‘bestest being the best’.

Fuck.

And back came the feelings that I had thought I’d forgotten.

Miyu: i guess we need to talk

I wondered if Sonny’s ‘let me know’ also included the conversation I was about to have with Dex.