Monsters

Safety.

The room should always mean that. A child's room should be a place of security, peace, and safety.

For as long as she can remember that wasn't the case. From two until twelve it wasn't so. Her door didn't have a lock. He could and did enter whenever he pleased.

Hiding under the covers didn't keep the monster away. He wasn't in the closet or under the bed. No, he comes walking through the door, sits on the side of the bed. She pressed to the wall, as far away from him as she could get. It didn't matter. She always tried though. There was nothing else she could do.

It wasn't every night. Some nights he was gone.

Her dad worked as a salesman. This work required him to travel. Those were the best days, weeks,and months. The whole house had a feeling of relief. Peace reigns. Her mom is more of a mom. She plays with them. Smiles more. The lines that usually lined her face smooth out.

He always comes back though. For years, he always returns.

The air gets thicker. She feels it. Her brother does. Fear. Mom gets shorter with them as she prepares herself for his return. The house has to be perfect. They have to be on their best behavior, their clothes and faces spotless. He is in control even before he re-enters the house.

Those who have eaten beans and potatoes smell steak cooking. Dad requires red meat. It doesn't matter if it comes from the food budget that feeds his children. He gets what he asks for. Mom prepares hotdogs for herself and her children and steak for her husband.

Mom makes homemade chips from potato peels. She always makes a way.

Her daughter hides in her room, praying he won't come in that night. He always does. Smelling of cigarettes and alcohol, his fingers slip under her nightgown. Night after night.

The summers are better. There, she sleeps in peace at her grandparents house. Deep breaths can be taken. They can just be kids. The summers always end.

Then one day, he doesn't come home. He has left them, moving in with one of his many girlfriends. The sense of relief is enormous. With him fully gone, she can tell the truth.

She tells her mom about those horrible nights. They all three cry. ( Her baby brother thought it was his job to protect her)

Mom decides to move. They all head to her grandparents. For a few months, they stay there before Mom gets them their own place.

She has a room, a room he will never enter. A room with a locked door.

Therapy is started. Behind another door, she talks with a stranger about what he has done. Bit by bit, the past becomes the present. Little by little, she is able to think about the future.

Being in a home full of safety and peace helps. Her room, filled with dolls and posters, as the young girl becomes a teen, is a sanctuary.

She comes in, after school. Music fills the silence as she lays across her bed, reading or doing her schoolwork.

Through high school, the posters change, the clothes filling her closet do, but the peace remains.

Her bed is no longer a place of horror. The monster is gone.

Her mom is working all the time. As soon as she can, she gets a job to help. Her brother and her are latchkey kids.

Not a perfect life but oh so much better. The abuse that they were all living under is gone.

The consequences are still there. She doesn't date. Her friends giggle over boys while she shies away from them. She shies away from most things that she should be enjoying during these years.

School dances. No. She doesn't attend her proms. No homecoming dances either.

Football games are attended with her mom and brother. They are safe. Boys and even girls ( who consider her strange) she doesn't trust.

Her friends are more like acquaintances. The monster is gone but his shadow still remains. It covers all she does, her every reaction.

Graduation and a decision. She has a scholarship to a good college. She can stay with her grandparents and attend or move with her mom, brother, and stepdad.

It should be obvious. Without that shadow, it would be. Her immediate family is safe.

Early adulthood and her buried sexuality blossoms. She goes from frigid to a wild sexuality where she sleeps with anyone who gives her a second look.

At twenty, her first child is born. A son. She vows with her whole heart to keep him safe from the monsters. Him and the three others that follow.

She doesn't understand that without breaking the curse, this isn't possible.

Her two oldest are abused by one man, her two youngest by another.

The guilt is overwhelming. Had she taken the other option, went to college, started a career, met and married a decent man…

But then, the children she had would be different. Was she met to have the boys she has? If a different path was taken she would love the children God gifted her with. They wouldn't be her boys though.

It doesn't matter. The road not taken wasn't one she could return to.

The boys wouldn't be the men they are, the fathers they are if she made different decisions. They are strong. Good men. Wonderful fathers.

Now she owns her own home with her brother. It is a safe place for her grandchildren to come too. A peaceful place.

The monster in her life, the ones in their daddies, uncles, will never be in theirs.

In her new, final safe bedroom, she prays daily for them. That they will always have safe rooms to live in, monster free. They and their children. And theirs. As long as the earth turns.

All she has been through will be well worth it if that comes true.