Moons or Melons

Astronaut Crew

CC: Capsule Communicator (“Houston”), Bruce McCandless

CDR: Mission Commander, Neil Armstrong

LMP: Lunar Module Pilot, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin

Man in the Moon

LG: Lunar Gardener

(Below is a portion of the transcript from the the 1969 moon landing)

CDR: The hatch is coming open

CDR: Okay. Houston, I’m on the porch

CC: We’re getting a picture on the TV

CC: Okay. Neil, we can see you coming down the ladder now.

CDR: I’m going to step off the LM now.

CDR: That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

CDR: Yes, the surface is fine and powdery. I can kick it up loosely with my toe. It does adhere in fine layers like powdered charcoal to the sole and sides of my boots.

CC: Neil, this is Houston. We’re copying.

CDR: It’s quite dark here in the shadow and a little hard for me to see that I have a good footing. I’ll work my way over into the sunlight here without looking directly into the sun.

CC: Roger. Neil, we’re reading you loud and clear.

CDR: Houston, I see a bright light emanating from a cater about two yards away. Do you see it on the monitors?

CC: Neil, turn the camera in that direction.

CDR: Copy that. Turning the camera.

CC: Neil, this is Houston. We see. Please investigate. Over.

CDR: Walking over to the crater now.

CDR: There seems to be no difficulty in moving around, as we suspected. I feel like I am skipping. Weee.

CC: Roger. Have fun.

CDR: I have made it to the crater. Kneeling down to get a better look inside.

CC: Roger.

CDR: Houston, I am looking into the bottom of the crater. I Can’t believe what I am seeing. At the bottom is . . . a greenhouse? The source of the light are these large, metal halide lights that are all over the agricultural building. They are some sort of grow lights? Over.

CC: Neil, this is Houston. Can you climb down into the crater?

CDR: Bruce, I just told you there are alien structures on the surface of the moon . . . and you want me to get closer to them?

CC: Neil, that is an affirmative.

CDR: Okay. Descending down the crater now.

CC: Neil, Houston. Do you copy?

CDR: I’m here.

LG: And so am I!

CC: Neil, who is that?

CDR: He says he is the gardener here.

LG: I am the only gardener here.

CC: Neil, is it human?

CDR: Are you human?

LG: Animal.

CDR: You are an animal?

LG: Well, I’m not a vegetable or a mineral.

CC: Neil, ask him what he is doing on the moon.

CDR: What are you doing on the moon?

LG: Living.

CDR: You live in the greenhouse?

LG: No. My house is around the corner. It’s close, but at the same time, maintains that barrier between work-space and home-space, you know?

CDR: I have lived at work for the last 4 days, 6 hours, and 45 minutes . . . so no, I don’t know what you mean.

LG: Well, that’s a shame. You really should take a break from work more. Here, want a bite of this cucumber?

CDR: What is it?

LG: A long, green vegetable.

CDR: Where did you get it?

LG: From a vine.

CDR: A cucumber vine on the moon?

LG: Unless you know of a place closer to find a cucumber?

CDR: I’m sorry, I guess I am a little confused. Honestly, we thought we would be the first ones here.

LG: I understand. The world is confusing. It’s one of the reasons I came out here in the first place. I needed to clear my head. Slow down and figure life out. That was five years ago.

CDR: You’ve been living on the moon for the last five years?

LG: Highly recommend it. It’s a great place to stretch out, look at the stars, and realize how small a person is.

CDR: How have you survived here for half a decade?

LG: [Laughs] You see this greenhouse right here? I grow everything I need. And if I can’t grow it, I likely don’t need it.

CDR: Aren’t you lonely living out in the middle of space all by yourself?

LG: Sometimes. But if you can’t stomach being with yourself, how can you stand being with others?

CDR: That’s a cheesy line.

LG: The moon is made of ‘em.

CDR: Are you content with this life? Don’t you want something more?

LG: [Laughs] Very content. But if you had asked me that question five years ago, I would have answered differently. Now I am done with conquering the universe. I am happy simply to find a place in it.

CDR: Well, if you tell me your name, I will make sure you get credit for being on the moon first.

LG: Oh, I don’t care. In fact, please don’t mention I am here.

CC: Neil, this is Houston. We are fine with forgetting this guy was here.

CDR: Are you on the run? Is that why you don’t want anyone to know you are here?

LG: No. No mobsters after me. Cops either. The only running I do is a light jog in the evenings. It is good for digestion.

CDR: Gardener, you and I are very different. I have spent my life working hard to get here. To be the first footprint on an unexplored outpost. To be the answer to every trivia question about the moon. To be the first to pee on a moon rock.

LG: That’s great! And you did it! I heard you when you stepped off the capsule; “One small step for man . . .” and all that. Very good line. Quite memorable.

CDR: Thank you.

LG: Planting your flag on a space rock is a monumental accomplishment. But so is growing a tomato. So why are we all so concerned with comparing moons to melons?

LMP: Neil, I’m going to fire up the engines. You need to get back here.

CDR: I am getting “buzzed.”

LG: . . .

CDR: Oh. Right. You’re not laughing because you don’t get the joke. See . . . my partner’s name is “Buzz.”

LG: Ah. Funny.

CDR: That is my cue to leave.

LG: Good to meet you. Come back soon.

CDR: People are going to have a lot of questions about you. About me. About this whole moon landing.

LG: Sure.

CDR: What do I say?

LMP: What do I say?

CC: What do we say?

LG: Tell ‘em the man in the moon says “hi.”