A Tale Awry

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land…

“What do you mean, ‘far-away?’ I’m right here.”

Excuse me?

“And it’s now, not some time off in the past.”

It’s the beginning of a story; I’m just the narrative voice. Now hush and let’s get back to it.”

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a farmer named Edward….

“The name’s Neil.”

What?

“It’s Neil, not Edward. I knew an Edward once, back in school. Horrible git of a fellow. Bullied me relentlessly. Haven’t liked the name since…”

Look. I’m just the narrative and you’re just a character. Deal with it.

“…and I never did care for farming, all that dirt under your fingernails. And pigs, awful. The stink is enough to put you off your feed for a week.”

Sigh. Okay. Let’s get this straight. You’re a character in a story. I’m the narrative. You aren’t supposed to be talking to me, much less arguing.

“Oh. So some great bloody voice out of the sky starts talking and I’m not supposed to talk back?”

Correct.

“Really? Is this a new law forced down our throats by the Labor Party?”

Wait… what?

“Yeah. Damn politicians. Ruining England one law at a time.”

You think you’re in England?

“Of course. Where else would I be?”

Oh, gods. Why me?

“You took the job.”

Okay. Let’s try this again. Just play along.

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a farmer named Edward….

“Neil. I keep telling you my name is Neil.”

Ahem.

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a phenomenally stupid pig farmer named Edward.

“You’re a right foul git, you know that?”

You might want to be careful. As the narrative, I can make your life miserable.

“Worse than bein’ an idjet pig farmer?”

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a poor, ugly, fat, bald, phenomenally stupid pig farmer named Edward who was in love with a sow.

“Now yer askin’ fer it, bruv.”

Excuse me, but what’s with the cockney accent all of a sudden?

“How should I know? Yer the one what made me stupid.”

Okay, okay. Sorry. We’ll start again, and let’s try to be professionals about this.

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a farmer named Edward.

“Why do I have to be a farmer? I work in I.T. and live in Dulwich.”

Sigh. Look, mate. The story is set in far-away land, a long time ago. They didn’t have computers way back when, and London is hardly far-away.

“So? You’re the narrative. Fix it. If I disappear to some foreign country, my flat-mates are going to wonder what happened to me.”

Listen, pal. The story is the story. Now, if you don’t quit arguing with me, it’s not going to go well for you.

“What? Are you going to make me fat, bald, and stupid?”

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land, lived the stupidest, ugliest, smelliest, pig farmer in the history of the world. His name was Edward Eddie Edwards and he had a problem. His coffers were bare, and he was running out of lipstick for his animals.

“Oh. Lipstick for my pigs. Very funny.”

One day, as he was giving a makeover to his favorite boar, he heard a commotion outside. Lifting himself from the disgusting muck he loved to sit in, he headed to the door of the barn. Outside, he could see a band of outlaws setting fire to his house.

“Look, buddy. I don’t rightly care if you’s a navigator or not. Keep up this nonsense ‘n I’ll beat tha’ tar outta ya.”

Narrative, not navigator. And how are you planning to beat me up? I’m a literary device, not a person.

“Now yer litterin’? On my farm? Pick it up and throw it in the bin.”

Literary, not litter.

“Oh, now you’s making fun of my ‘ntelligents? I’m not the one made me dumb as a roast.”

The phrase is ‘dumb as a post.’

“How would I know that? Accordin’ to you, I’s the stupidest pig farmer in history.”

You’re right. Fine, fine.

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land, lived the stupidest, ugliest, smelliest, pig farmer in the history of the world—who, somehow, managed to have perfect diction.

“For the love of God, man. Now you brand me as well below average in intelligence, then provide me with communication skills which defy logic. It makes no sense. I can’t wait to see what the editor says about this.”

Look, Neil. If you keep arguing, we’re never going to get through this. So why don’t we start over? Just play your part and let’s get it over with. Once we’re done, we can go our separate ways. You’ll never have to talk to me again.

“Fine.”

Chapter 1

A long time ago, in a far-away land lived a farmer named Edward…

“Neil.”

Edward!

“Neil!”

Hmmph. Edward was a pig farmer whose intelligence was less than the dumbest cockroach in his filthy, disgusting, bug-infested house…

“I warned you.”

Rolling up your sleeves? Really? You think that you can… Ow! Stop that!

“I told you what I was-a gonna do to ya.”

How did you get in here?

“How should I know? I’m stupid, remember?”

No! No! Stop! Please… Somebody help!

- - - - -

Dear readers: I would like to apologize for the violence in this tale. It was totally unnecessary; disagreements should be solved with words, not fists. As an author, I am finding it harder and harder to get good characters these days. Everybody seems so entitled and touchy. And work ethic? Please. That went out with the Victorian era.

But that is my problem, not yours. Again, forgive me for presenting you such a disturbing scene. Rest assured that these two will be severely disciplined. Next time, I will try to ensure that my story does not devolve into a similar quagmire. Thank you for your understanding.