Living on the Fringes

Living on the Fringes

‘I wonder how often they clean these seats,’ I am fully aware that as I say this I am holding the metal bar on the seat in front of me, trying my best to not think about the amount of, urine sprayed, saliva infused and fecal mattered fingers were gripping this exact spot on the #12 uptown just moments before I got on.

My sigh gets drowned out by the engine of this riveted behemoth. The only people on this monstrosity is a man, who I am going to assume is not wearing the only camouflage that is in his closet, a girl who is rebelling against nature itself by wearing so many adjacently bright colors that I bet “camo-man” feels insulted by being on the same bus as her and a child that seems too young to be riding alone but not too young to understand that his parents obviously think their problems are more important then him.

The giant window at the back of the #12 Uptown took the elements of the passing buildings, the thin snow fall, the barrage of walking brand names and smeared it across the sticker stained pane in front of me. As my stop got closer I wondered briefly if anyone out there was thinking about me and where I was at this moment, then chided myself for taking the time to wonder that.

As the back door folded open I descended the slippery stairs and the smeared world popped back into its respective dimensions. I looked both ways before stepping onto the sidewalk and pulling my collar up around my neck. I hitched up my backpack and looked at a stranger who was having a cigarette under the ripped awning of an old printing shop; the printed word and smoking… seemed like a step in the past.

I looked at the person long enough for me to turn away once they realized someone was watching them, I needing them to take stock of me in case I ever came up in a conversation they were having with someone else. I don’t know this person and they don’t know me, so why this need for people to take notice of me, it was a fleeting thing but real nonetheless. They smiled ever so briefly to show that we had both noticed one another, and I wondered, as I walked them into memory, if there was something I could have done to show that I was heading to the nearby café. Just in case someone had asked about me they would be able to say, “Oh yeah, I just saw that guy,” with a quick nod he motioned toward the building down the street, “He was headed to the cafe.”

As the large cafe window came into view I took a quick look inside at the people who were already here enjoying their drinks. A slight relief hit me for the perfect amount of people were here. Enough people to find a comfortable buffer at a table where I can spread out my things but busy enough for people to feel anxiety about possibly starting up a conversation or sharing a joke with someone. You know that ice breaker where people use things like the shitty weather, or bad music to connect with one another about living in this town and that fact that we have both escaped here to this cafe.

Alice was working a shift that was usually not hers, she saw me and gave me a smile as I passed the tinted window. I gave her a quizzical look that asked the question, “Why are you working?” and she answered with a shrug that said, “Yeah, I know, I am covering for someone.”

It was a nice old building that had been partitioned into a few different things. The main floor had been shared between the cafe, an old jazz bar that didn’t open until later in the night and in the back a room that had been filled with billiard tables that were in terrible shape. Upstairs was a pretty popular restaurant, good food and craft beers.

I walked through the large wooden double doors and claimed my table near the front window by putting my backpack on it. It was my favorite spot, I could see the entire cafe as well as seeing people passing by outside. Maybe if someone I knew walked by they would come in an join me for a drink. As I walked up to the counter Alice anticipated the question and started off right away, “Yeah Steve needed the night off so I took his shift, I don’t mind the hours!”

“That’s cool his loss is my gain.”

“Always a charmer.” She said with a smile, “So what do you feel like tonight?”

“That is the question… I am looking for something warm.”

“How about a London Fog?”

“Perfect. See if you weren’t here I would be lost up her for hours causing a commotion in your line up.”

“Yeah, it’s like I know you or something, hehe”

“Right? How long has it been now?”

“Oh Geez, uh, I think it was when Dan started dating that Lizz wasn’t it?” She pulled out two tea bags and put them to steep.

“Yeah, damn that was like what, six, seven years ago or so.”

“Yeah, I am glad things didn’t work out she was really sweet and Dan was sort of a pig. What ever happened to her?”

“She moved to the East Coast I think.”

“So what ever happened there by the way?” she said with a sly smile. “You two had a good thing going she use to talk about you all the time.”

“Oh uh, yeah she was nice,” I said suddenly uncomfortable.

“You should have made a move, Mark.” Still smiling while frothing my milk.

“Hehe, I wasn’t her type.” I said as I unconsciously patted my midsection. I was a always a big guy and although I wasn’t hard on myself I definitely wasn’t a fit specimen.

“Well, I am not going to get into this argument again but you always underestimate yourself. I mean you barely even knew Dan.”

“Yeah, but he mentioned that he thought she was cute. So I thought I would introduce them. I mean Lizz had a good head on her shoulder, no reason to worry if things didn’t work out she would end it.”

“Yeah he never really appreciated her and she let him down pretty easily. But didn’t it bother you when you saw them together?”

“Bother me? Oh no, not at all, I didn’t have anything to offer her.” Alice stopped steaming my milk suddenly and gave me a look. “Oh don’t get me wrong,” I began quickly before she started into me, “All I mean is that sure, we got along well, but I wasn’t really her type is all.”

“Oh yeah what type is that? Super nice guy, supportive, trustworthy…” She said putting my drink on the counter. As I pulled out my wallet, she just waved it away. “I got it. You are doing me a favor by keeping me company.”

“Aw, thanks!”

“So what are you working on tonight?” She came around the counter and walked me to my table under the guise of wiping down clearing some of the other tables.

“Oh, nothing much, just another short story.”

“So are you ever gonna let me read one of these things.”

“Oh, I don’t think they’re any good I just like writing. I actually like handwriting it’s relaxing.”

“Well I would love to read something sometime if you ever want to share.”

“Yeah sure, the next one I write I’ll keep you in mind. Maybe I’ll get you to give me a topic.”

“Ooo that sounds like fun. I’ll keep you to it.”

“Oh it will probably be terrible, but should be fun to write anyway.”

“Ok well let me know if you want anything else.” She hit me with her dirty rag and made her way back to the counter.

The london fog went down so well, sweet and creamy. It was going to be the first of many tonight I could tell. I wanted to be out. I might not have anyone to join me but I bumped into lots of people, who I assumed, didn’t mind stopping to say hello. It was like an aphrodisiac having someone recognize me or say hello. I may not have anything to give but it felt good being someone that others can rely on. Even if it was something as small as saving them a seat, listening to their day or just giving a word of encouragement.

I was happy to be one of those people living on the fringes. I did what I could to help anyone and was aware that when I was out-of-sight, I was out-of-mind for most people.

I took that last sip and got up to get another and when did I saw on old man come walking by I knocked on the window and waved him in for a drink. He was a handsome man, full head of white hair which he seemed proud to still have. I am sure he turned heads in his day I got to talking to him one day and learned that he was alone and that he liked it like that but was sad that he had a falling out with his kids a long time ago. After being in and out of the hospital for a myriad of things he understood what it meant to have family and tried daily to reach out to them.

I remember the look on his face when I offered to buy him a drink one day, he was not well off and was always pinching his pennies so he could cover the essentials. He literally did a double take thinking that I was talking to someone else. But when I assured him I was taking to him he eventually came around and would join me from time to time. I could tell he was happy for the company and it seemed like such little effort for such a large effect.

“Hey Mike, how ya doing?”

“Oh Mark, hey, guess what?” He said brushing off some of the snow and obviously excited. “My Daughter said she would come by my place tomorrow for a short visit!”

“What?! Oh my gosh that’s awesome!”

“Yeah so I can’t stay long, I have to see if I can find something for her to snack on or something.”

“No problem,” We walked over to the counter and Alice gave such a warm smile, “Hey Mike can I get you a hot chocolate?” He couldn’t stop smiling as he nodded back. “And what about you Mark can I get you another London Fog?”

“Yes, please!” I pointed out the table I was at, “Mike why don’t you grab a seat I just have to run to the bathroom.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Alice continued, “Just grab a seat.” As I left to run to the bathroom I could hear him excitedly telling her about his visitor tomorrow. I cleaned myself up and on the way back stopped and took out $20 from the ATM. I folded it up awkwardly and shoved it inside my jacket pocket. Back at the table Mike was reveling in his hot chocolate that Alice had also drastically covered in whip cream.

He wiped his mouth as he saw me coming, “Alice smothered it in whipped cream hehe, she is too sweet” He got serious for a moment, “You have both been very kind to me and I thank you for that.”

I just shrugged, “Hey I enjoy the company so don’t even think twice about it.”

He wiped some more cream off his face and I reached in my jacket, “Here let me get that,” I pulled out some napkins with the folded 20 dollar bill. “Oh hey, don’t you love to find money like that?” I separated the money from the napkins then handed him both. “Here it’s not much but why not use that to get some snacks for your tomorrow.”

“What? No, no I couldn’t.”

“Oh, please It was $20 bucks I didn’t even know I had. I don’t even know that last time I wore this jacket, so don’t worry about it.”

“Ok well, if you don’t mind, I appreciate it!”

“Cheers!”

Alice came by with my London fog and we finished our drinks laughing and excited about what this might mean for him and his daughter moving forward. He was still smiling ear to ear when he left. I got up walked him out and headed back to the counter for another drink.

This time I ordered, a vanilla caramel steamer, also a flavored steam milk, simple but delicious. “Hey Mark!” I turned around to see David coming in through the double doors.

“Hey David whats up?”

“Not much man I walked by and thought I saw you in here. Hi Alice.” He said as she came back with my drink.

“Oh hey David, what are you up to tonight?”

“I was just heading back home but I thought I saw Mark in here.” He turned back to me. “Dude those menus you did came out great, thanks again man.”

“Oh it was no problem.”

“You did his menus?” Alice asked, “Wait, you mean those ones you showed me the other day David?!”

“Yeah, good right? He wouldn’t even let me pay him.”

Alice just furrowed her brow at me so I jumped in before she said anything.

“Well I am not even a real designer, so I felt bad asking for money when I wasn’t even sure they would look good. I am just glad they came out alright.”

“Better than alright man, I am getting tons of compliments on them. So free drinks whenever you come by!” He slapped me on the shoulder and was back out the door.

Alice just shook her head at me, “You are too nice Mark, People are going to take advantage of that niceness.”

“I am justa guy, I don’t really have any skill in anything. I just dabble in things here and there for the fun of it I would feel guilty trying to act like a professional. I am not even confident in myself so how can I possibly charge someone else. Trust me its not a big deal. A year from now he won’t even remember me.”

“You know what?! You have said something like that to me before and I have to admit I don’t think you understand the effect you have on people.”

“Oh, no I understand that I am helping people out in the moment and I appreciate that.” As I said these words I realized that might not be what she meant.

“Why do you try so hard not to have a lasting effect on people, what are you scared of?” this question caught me off guard.

“I don’t try, I’m just not one of those people who have lasting effects on others. You know some people try to be that special person for others. I don’t have anything that stands out to offer someone. And I am totally okay with that. I get enjoyment from being helpful to people in the moment. That way others don’t feel that they owe me anything and won’t feel guilty forgetting me.”

“You have nothing to offer?! You think you have no lasting effect?! Do you know how often people ask me If I have seen you lately or where I might find you?”

I was confused who would possibly be asking for me.

“Don’t you understand that your effort to not seem more than you are makes you absolutely more than you are? Even me, every time I take a shift here, I hope that you’ll stop by if even for a moment.”

She stared at me waiting for a reaction. And then realized she was joking, Alice was always so great to joke around with. We both shared that same kind of sarcastic humor. “Well, like you said earlier I’m a charmer.”

She smiled dryly, “Ok, Charmer would you like something else to drink?”

“Uh yeah, let me finish off this Steamer and then maybe one of your Vanilla Bean Lattes?”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll bring it over when you’re done.”

I headed back to my table. I know she was joking but It feels good to think that someone might be thinking about me, a simple guy living on the fringes. It turned out to be a busy night, a few more people stopped in to say hi to Alice. When her shift was over I stayed while she did her read and locked up. I walked her home and we chatted and laughed and talked about her boyfriend that I introduced to her. I was happy to hear them going strong.

“You must tell him I say hello!”

“Yeah I will. Thanks for walking me home!”

“It’s nothing I was planning on coming this way anyway.”

“Oh you were were you?”

“Yeah. Anyway a lot of people stopped in to say hi tonight, you must get that a lot.” I said at her door.

She shook her head and chuckled at him.“They weren’t there to say hi to me they were there to say hi to you charmer.”