The Surgery That Changed Everything

The alarm rang loudly in the quiet room.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Rolling over slowly, I reached for my phone and turned the alarm off. I stayed lying there, staring up at the ceiling, not moving. I knew I had about two hours before I needed to get dressed and head out the door to make it to my grandbabies’ house on time to get them off to school.

The house was silent, the kind of quiet that makes your thoughts louder than they should be.

I took a deep breath and whispered, “Siri, play Gospel Time.”

Soft gospel music filled the room, the kind that wraps around your heart and settles your spirit. Slowly, I sat up and leaned my back against the bed frame, closing my eyes as the music played.

“God… thank you for this day,” I whispered softly. “Thank you for always showing up for me. Today is a big day for me. I can’t lie to you I’m afraid.”

My voice trembled slightly.

“But I know I have to do what’s best for my health. Please ease my anxiety. Calm my heart. And most of all, God, cover me from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.”

For a moment I just sat there, breathing, letting the music carry my prayer the rest of the way.

Finally, I got up and made my way into the bathroom to get dressed. The cold tile touched my bare feet as I moved around the room, pulling clothes together for the day.

Just as I was finishing getting dressed, the music suddenly stopped.

Then my baby sister’s ringtone blasted through the speakers of my phone.

I smiled instantly.

Grabbing the phone, I answered.

“Good morning!” I said cheerfully.

“Good morning, sister,” she said, her voice full of energy. “Happy to know you’re up on time.”

I could hear her laughing through the phone.

“Yes, I’m awake and getting dressed,” I said, chuckling. “You know people love to say I take forever getting dressed.”

Meanwhile, I knew good and well that once I got to her house, I’d probably still have to wait for her.

But that was my sister.

I loved everything about my youngest sister everything. Even the way she stood up for me. I had always been the gentle one, the calm one. She, on the other hand, was dynamite. Loud when she needed to be, protective when it counted.

And honestly, I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world.

After grabbing my purse and keys, I made my way to the car and headed to my oldest son’s house so I could take my handsome grandsons to school.

This part of my morning was one of my favorites.

That one-on-one time with them brightened my heart every single day.

Pulling into the driveway, I walked up to the front door.

Knock knock.

The door swung open, and there they were my two favorite little versions of my son standing there smiling.

“Good morning, GG!” they said excitedly.

“Good morning, grandsons,” I said, grinning from ear to ear. “Are you guys ready?”

“Yes ma’am!”

Behind them, my son stepped forward.

“Good morning, Ma.”

He leaned down and kissed the side of my cheek. I smiled warmly at him.

I loved the man my firstborn had grown into. All my children were amazing individuals, but there was something special about watching your first child grow into a strong adult.

“Hey baby,” I said. “We’re about to head out. I’ll be out for the next two days, remember? I’m sure you can handle morning drop offs for two days.”

He chuckled.

“Yeah, Ma, I remember.”

“You need anything?” he asked.

“No, son. I’m okay. Nothing is needed.”

We loaded the boys into the car and headed to school, laughing and talking the whole way. After dropping them off, I drove across town to pick up my sister.

Pulling up outside her house, I honked the horn.

Honk. Honk.

I grabbed my phone to call her, but before I could dial, I saw her and my niece walking out the house at the same time.

“Good morning, baby niece!” I called out through the open window.

“Hey, my auntie!” she shouted back happily.

She looked over at her mom and shook her head.

“Look at you coming out on time,” she teased her mother. “I almost took a belt to you. I told you don’t have my auntie waiting too long.”

We all burst out laughing.

“You on your way to work, baby niece?” I asked.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Well, have a great day and be good.”

“Yes ma’am. You have a great day too. Love y’all!”

“Love you too, baby niece!”

Once my sister got settled into the car, I paused the TV show I had playing on my phone. We watched as my niece drove away, and then we pulled out of the neighborhood, heading in the opposite direction.

My sister looked over at me.

“So… where you needed me to go with you?”

I glanced at her.

I already knew she was about to be dramatic, and my anxiety was already high.

“Well…” I said slowly. “I have to go to the hospital.”

She sat straight up.

“WHY? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”

“Can you let me finish?” I said, shaking my head. “Sheesh, woman!”

She crossed her arms but stayed quiet.

“What I was saying is I have to have someone come with me today for outpatient surgery. It’s supposed to last a few hours, and then I can go home and heal.”

Her eyes widened.

“Have you told Momma about this surgery? Do the kids know? Who all knows? What kind of surgery?”

I sighed quietly.

I knew my sister very well. She was going to freak out.

That’s exactly why I waited until this moment to tell her. That way she wouldn’t have time to call everybody before I was already in surgery.

When we got to the hospital, I made my way inside and checked in while she stayed in the front waiting area. After getting settled, the nurses went over everything I needed to know.

The hospital was freezing cold.

“Lord have mercy,” I whispered. “Why is it so cold in here?”

To distract myself, I called my sister.

“Hey Shay,” she answered immediately. She had always called me by my middle name.

“Do you need me to come back there with you?” she asked. “I can sit with you until you go back.”

“No, I’m okay,” I told her gently. “I just wanted to let you know I’m settled in and waiting.”

We talked for a while. I knew she was worried, so I kept the conversation light until it was time for them to take me back.

When the nurse came to take my phone to my sister, I leaned back and got comfortable as they wheeled me toward the operating room.

Inside, my doctor calmly went over the procedure again. I was getting my heart examined and repaired.

The nurses introduced themselves, and the anesthesiologist stepped forward.

“We’re going to place this mask over your face,” she explained softly.

I nodded.

As the mask lowered, she began counting down.

“Ten… nine… eight…”

Quietly, I started singing a gospel song in my head.

“Seven… six… five…”

My eyes grew heavier.

“Four… three…”

And then everything went black.

Five hours later, I opened my eyes.

But something wasn’t right.

I wasn’t in a hospital bed.

I was standing in a waiting room.

Confused, I looked around.

Why was my entire family there?

I saw my mother… my oldest son… my sister… my niece… and my baby girl.

Their faces were filled with fear.

Maybe I was dreaming. Maybe I was still in surgery.

Then I heard my surgeon speaking to them.

“I want to warn you before you see her,” he said quietly. “And I’m so sorry… so, so sorry.”

His eyes looked empty, like he had already delivered this speech too many times.

“When doing her surgery… there were complications.”

I frowned.

Complications?

What do you mean complications? I’m standing right here.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to understand what was happening.

When I opened them again, I was in a hospital room.

My family surrounded the bed.

I couldn’t see who was lying there until my sister and my mother leaned forward in shock.

And then I saw it.

I saw myself.

“This can’t be right,” I whispered.

What happened? How did I end up here?

This was supposed to be easy. Quick. Routine.

Panic rushed through me as I tried to call out.

“Pretty Moon, I’m right here!”

“Mama, I’m right here!”

“Son! I’m right here!”

But no one heard me.

No one felt me.

Days passed with my family standing in that room, breaking more and more each hour.

I watched loved ones come and go. I watched my three heartbeats my children try to hold each other together while also trying to be strong for my mother and my sister.

My sister… my best friend… my right hand.

I watched her try so hard to stay strong.

But I couldn’t hold her.

I couldn’t tell them I was sorry.

I couldn’t change what had happened.

I watched them wait for my niece my namesake to fly in.

When she finally arrived, her heart shattered all over again.

She sat beside my bed, holding my hand, begging God through tears to bring me back.

And I stood there… helpless.

Who would have known that walking into the hospital for heart surgery would be the last time I would ever take a breath?

The last time I would ever walk into a hospital and walk back out freely.

Who knew that death would be waiting for me the moment I entered that operating room…

For the first time.

And the last.