Reading the Room

I sat hunched over the desk, oblivious to the knocking at the door. Nothing seemed to be wrong with my arcane calculations, while the spell worked in theory, the actualization had proved quite difficult.

It was revitalizing to have enough time and space to delve into my work again. While my studies had always been solitary, even in an academic setting, I had acclimated to the constant traveling with The Blue Dawn. Nothing beat the solemnity of studies.

The Blue Dawn was a thrown-together group of adventurers I’d haphazardly joined, and we were staying in the Oasis palace for several weeks. Everything during our stay in the palace had been perfect, well, almost everything.

The door slammed open, and I flinched in surprise, causing ink splotches across my work. I’d have to write out the entire page again.

There was only one person who it could be. Cricket’s small frame filled the opening.

I clutched at my pounding chest, “Good morning, Cricket.”

“Markov, it’s the afternoon, and you missed breakfast,” she said, holding a steaming plate of eggs and fried vegetables drizzled with a spiced sauce.

“I do have to point out that I have asked you a multitude of times, but please knock before coming in.” I pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment, dunking the quill into my well, tapping off the excess, and carefully began rewriting my work.

“I did, though. You never hear it over your studying,” her nose scrunched.

“Studying is not loud.”

“Your brain studies in loud.”

Her brown hair was shorter and choppier than yesterday. She had clearly hacked at it again. Zydra would want to neaten it up, of course, but I knew she would never let him. I liked it, though. It was wild, fluffy, and free, just like her.

I waved a hand in the air dismissively, “I am close to a breakthrough. I will eat later.” Inspiration had struck last night, and I refused to let it escape now that I had the available time. The fatigue was creeping in now that I knew how late in the day it was. My body couldn’t ignore the exhaustion forever. I was so close, though. I rubbed my eyes beneath my goggles that I always wore and flipped the page. I tried to settle back into a rhythm.

Cricket still stood in the doorway. This was unusual. I didn’t understand why she lingered at his guestroom entrance, so I filed it away to worry about later. Normally, she would have bounded over and plopped herself on the desk by now, chattering away and swinging her legs as I plodded through work. Yesterday, she eagerly showed me a ‘neat rock’ she found. It was a common quartz fragment that could be found literally anywhere, but I just nodded as she told the extensively detailed story of discovering it.

That was the wrong answer, apparently, for Cricket stomped over and dropped the plate on the desk. Eggs and red sauce splattered across my fresh parchment.

My mouth drew into a line. This was increasingly unlike her. Was she mad at me? I glanced at her. Her brows were furrowed, and her arms were crossed. She was perturbed, yes, but that didn’t mean she was mad at me.

“I’m mad at you,” she said, leaning against the bookshelf beside the desk.

My pen hovered above my writing. I suddenly felt like a mouse, frozen in front of a cat, hoping she wouldn’t strike.

She had found out. No, there was no way Jihan had told her. She had to be irritated about something else. It was best to gather more data before jumping to conclusions. “I am sorry for missing breakfast. I know it is when you relay your daily updates about Mrs. Frogbert and Mr. Newton. I will gladly hear it now. But, I will have you know I stand by my stance that it will not romantically work out between them–”

“Why did you do it?” She was leaning forward, face inches from mine. I kept my face down towards the desk.

Do what? Threaten Jihan for sleeping with her? Jihan was Lorena’s younger brother and lived here at The Oasis. Cricket was too good for him, and I needed him to completely and thoroughly understand that. “You are going to have to be more specific. I do a multitude of tasks and functions throughout a given day.”

“You’re really going to play dumb?!”

“I do not game with intelligence. It is a serious subject for me, and in a way, my life’s work.”

She groaned, “Jihan! He said you threatened him!”

That chickenshit.

Jihan gained nothing from squealing except driving a wedge between Cricket and me. I underestimated Jihan’s pettiness. Perhaps I should have actually broken Jihan’s finger instead of just threatening it.

I cleared my throat, “I meant no disrespect to Lorena’s family. They were generous in opening their halls to us. They’ve supplied all our needs and even granted many of our wants.”

But I meant all the disrespect to Jihan specifically. Mild threats were given, such as I would shove his face in mud and make him eat it like a pig if I saw him near Cricket again.

While I was grateful to the Tahliba family, I struggled to effectively process the discordant family. I did my best for Lorena’s sake, but I drew the line at Jihan. Even with my misgivings about Jihan, I decided I would never go too far. I wouldn’t upset Lorena. She cherished her family despite their contentious relationships, and she didn’t deserve that.

“Disrespect the Tahliba family?! Markov! You disrespected me!” She banged the table, causing a precarious book stack to clatter to the marble floor.

I was stunned. Disrespect her? I would never disrespect her. What I had done was put Jihan in his place.

Trying not to sound strained, I said, “Cricket, could you please stop causing a mess?” I hadn’t moved, reading and re-reading the spines of the books stacked on my desk.

“Fuck you. You don’t get to pull manipulative, controlling bullshit and then pin me as making a mess. Not while you play it cool!”

Play it cool? It felt like my skin was on fire. I didn’t know what to do with this conversation. In all the years we’ve traveled together, she had never had an outburst like this, not at me at least. She only splashed in puddles and laughed with me. But now, she glowered at me, unrecognizable.

“I like sleeping around. It’s simple. It’s uncomplicated. It’s fun. Everyone judges me for it. I don’t give a shit." She paced around the room, throwing her arms about as she talked. "But I never felt judged by you. I was me around you.” I swallowed, but it felt like something was stuck in my throat. She went on. “What you did is fucked up. You don’t get to choose who I sleep with. No one does. Except me.”

What? I wasn’t making decisions for her. Cricket could do whatever she wanted. She always did what she wanted. She laughed loudly, dressed weirdly, drank often, and smiled with her whole body.

I adored her for it. I envied her for it, to so easily express what emotions she was feeling.

Cricket’s other flings throughout our travels didn’t matter. We were never going to see them again. But Jihan? She would– I would– have to see him day after day, for as long as we stayed in The Oasis. I’d have to eat at the same table with that moron who couldn’t logic his way out of a woven basket.

But it was never about her choosing other people. It just stung that she never chose me.

I could hear her breathing. It was heavy and jagged. She was still staring at me expectantly, “Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

I didn’t. I couldn’t. What right did I have to say anything to her? She waited, and still I gave her nothing.

Fed up, she said, “Typical, you have nothing to say for yourself. Always hiding behind your technicalities.” Her voice dropped low and cold, “This is disappointing, though, from a guy who usually prides himself on learning from his mistakes.”

It finally clicked. That’s what she wanted from me. She needed me to completely comprehend what a failure I am. She stomped away, decisiveness and distance in her every step.

This was the end. Of her. Of us. Our time together might continue, but it would never be the same.

I stole one last look as she left, and I was startled by what I saw.

There was irritation and frustration, yes, but there was also something more.

Tears.

I was a fucking idiot.

I had hurt her, my cherished person. The person I cared about most in all planes of existence. The light of my life and my dawn on the darkest days. I deserved to sit in this emotional torment; I had brought it upon myself. But she didn’t.

I grabbed her hand, staring at the ground. To my surprise, she stopped, but she still faced towards the door.

“I am sorry,” I whispered.

A tentative silence stretched between us.

“And?” She turned to me, but my eyes continued tracing the veins in the marble floor.

Confidence rose in my voice, but not much, “You are correct. I overstepped. I messed up. I should never have punished Jihan for a choice you both consensually made.”

Her shoulders eased, but her eyes were still hard.

“I am sorry. You have every right to be upset with me and to end our friendship, to distance yourself from me,” I lifted my head and slid off my goggles.

Meeting her gaze, I said, “Please know that regardless of what you decide, I will improve. I will learn from this, and when you are ready, I will do better by you.” My hand trembled slightly as I held onto her.

She didn’t smile, but her expression did soften. Reaching out, she pulled on my goggles until they slapped back to my forehead, “Good. Don’t pull that shit again.” I nodded, rubbing my head.

She dragged a stool beside me and plopped onto it. I went to stand up and collect my scattered books, but she kicked her feet into my lap. I sat there, not quite sure what to do.

Absent-mindedly, she picked up a spare quill from the desk. “You know, I was surprised you cared who I slept with.” She pointed the quill at me, “You still had no right to do that— but you never seem to pay attention to anything outside your studies.”

Unable to do anything else, I slid a tome from another stack on my desk. Conjuring the Basics, it was always wise to review the fundamentals.

“That is factually untrue. I pay close attention to our provisions— Hey! Don’t use that as a toothpick!” I snatched the quill from her hand. “I pay attention to you! And the rest of the Blue Dawn!” I could feel my ears growing warm.

She smirked at me, leaning her arm against the desk. “Is that right?” she said as she flicked my tome closed.

Frustrated, I turned to her, “Can I help you?”

“I dunno, can you?”

“May I help you?”

“I dunno, may you?”

I groaned, slamming my head into the book while she laughed. I still didn’t get what she wanted, but at least she didn’t seem mad anymore.

Mumbling into the book, “I do, actually. Pay attention. To you. A lot, in fact.”

“I know. You just don’t think about stuff the way others do. It’s what makes you fun. That, and you’re a pushover.” She smiled at me. But, I was not a pushover. Alright, realistically, I was for any of the Blue Dawn, but especially for her.

I’d do anything to get her to keep smiling at me.

I heard the rustling of books as she grabbed the rest of the stack. I tilted my head and stole a glance. She was creating a tiered pyramid. The entire multi-volume set on acquiring the arcane arts, and she stacked them like tavern cards.

My entire life was shaped by those pages. Wars were waged, civilizations thrived and died– no, the entire world was sculpted by magic, by those who could access it. And, she was making a pyramid.

Her tongue stuck out as she precariously placed The Seven Principles of Conducting. My favorite tome to review.

A laugh slipped from me, “I love you.”

The pyramid collapsed. She froze, still holding the tome.

Did I say that out loud? Shit, I hadn’t meant to say that. She was going to awkwardly laugh and find an excuse to leave. I’d just salvaged our friendship just to crash in a whole new way.

She blinked at me, “No, you don’t.”

I shot up, “What do you mean ‘no, I don’t'?”

Of course, I loved her. As much as a person as I was capable of love. I understood emotions were among the weakest of my skill sets. Identifying them. Dealing with them. I struggled with it all. Which is why I studied with Zydra. I accepted it would never be my strong suit, but with all my “processing” as Zydra labeled it, I was fairly certain I loved Cricket.

Her brows knit, and she frowned at me, “You never once accepted any of my advances.”

“Advances? What advances? You never came on to me.” I could feel my heart thudding. What was she talking about?

Cricket rolled her eyes, “Of course I did. When I asked to dance together at the Graymoore Ball. You turned me down.”

I could feel my face flushing, “You know I do not do well at balls, or social events in general.”

“I do, which is why I asked later if you were done drinking for the night and wanted to leave together.”

“Of course, I was finished drinking and wanted to leave. As stated, I loathe social events, and the spirits served that night were inexplicably offensive."

“There was the fireworks festival in Tinkerton! The night was barely half over, and I invited you back to the inn!”

I stood up, pushing her legs off me, “You said you wanted to go somewhere quiet! So did I! It was very loud!”

She rose to her feet, “I thought we’d be in bed together, not going to sleep!”

I was practically shouting, “We share a bed at every inn! It’s cost-effective! How was I supposed to know this was different?!”

She yelled back, “Because I was giving you the ‘I want to fuck you’ look!”

“How was I supposed to tell what that look means?! You look at me like that all the time!”

Her face was incredulous, her hands in the air.

I couldn’t believe it. I slumped back into my chair. The years of learning, the breadth of my knowledge, all of the academic success I’d achieved, had done nothing to mitigate what a moron I was.

Miserably, from beneath my hands, I groaned, “I really am an idiot.”

She huffed into the stool, not denying it, “Yeah, but it’s also part of your charm.”

I peeked up at her, “You think I am charming? This is the first I am hearing of this.”

She flicked my nose, “That’s because you don’t listen.”

She was right. She usually was.

Her hand extended towards me, and I paused before I finally laced out fingers together. I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled, releasing all my tension. I should be mortified, absolutely ashamed of myself, but I wasn’t, not completely anyway. Cricket had a way of doing that, making the awkward and unbearable, well, bearable. She always took everything in stride, and it never ceased to amaze me.

“I am sorry. For everything,” I finally said.

I squeezed her hand, and she laughed, “You don’t have to look so terrified!”

I did, though, she held my heart in her hands. She’d always had it. She was aware of it now, though. I bet she knew all along.

I awkwardly bowed towards her, “This is my first relationship. Please be patient with me as I learn to navigate this— this context between us.”

She tilted her head, “Who said anything about a relationship?”

I let go of her hand, actually mortified now. Hadn’t I learned my lesson? How much could I presume in a single day?

She laughed, shaking me by the shoulders as I hid behind my hands again.

“I kid! I kid!”

But I refused to come out of hiding. Undeterred, she swept my black hair off my neck. It was longer than hers now. She kissed my nape.

I couldn’t move.

“Even your neck is blushing! How cute! I wonder how far it goes. . .”

With a mischievous grin, she slowly lifted the bottom of my tunic. I grabbed her hands. She smirked at me, the usual twinkle in her eye. For the first time, I finally understood.

I leaned in and kissed her.