Home Sick

The sun set behind me, and the expansive sky hung there still. The clouds, too, were here with me—though now tearing apart into bits of cotton candy that dissolved in the ocean of the sky. And trees, yes, the trees also grew here, although much more green and much more wild. And there were plenty of rabbits much less timid than the ones who dared approach my dad’s yard.

A thought captivated me as I walked and walked through the woods: Imagine if people hired other people to trim fluff off the clouds in the skies like they do by trimming the trees on the ground. I thought all the while how funny it would be as men harnessed themselves from cranes or planes and cut at the clouds. But then also, I thought how sad it would be to see the clouds bending to the will of man, much like my dad’s trees whenever they grew in ways he didn’t like.

I reached a clearing, stepped upon the edge of a little meadow, and saw how expressive and open nature was around me—tall grass waving in the breeze, flowers fading while others folded open, and sleepy animals wandering their own ways like me. To my right, a fallen tree dared to reach out into this beautiful place, so perhaps it was fitting I, too, would reach out and grace the grass. I tightened the straps of my backpack, flipped back the hood from my sweatshirt, and tightroped my way across the fallen log. At the end of it I sat, removed my boots and socks, and dangled my feet into the sea of grass.

It must have been nearly a whole hour since setting out from home! I smiled and felt filled to the brim with unbridled joy. So this is what freedom feels like!

I thought of everything I would set myself to do out here. I would not worry about being bullied in Sunday school. I would not worry about the demands of homework. I would not worry about having to eat three times a day for my parents to track. I would not have to worry about bedtimes. I would not have to worry about…

My eyes grew wet. I opened my eyes wide, trying to dry them out or suck the water back in.

Then my stomach growled a bit. I took off my backpack and shuffled through my life: an unused pocketknife the size of my palm; my pocket Bible, marked only by dirt pressed into the crinkles from sitting in my backpack; my bald-faced blue water flask; a large bag of trail mix with M&Ms I added; paper and pencils; and a freshly opened envelope with the letter tucked back inside.

My eyes settled on that letter; my mind on the Bible; my stomach on the trail mix.

I scooped a handful of trail mix, shoved it in my mouth, and chewed so vigorously I bit my lip. I stopped chewing and just tasted the blood along with everything else. We bleed so easily, and this is my fault.

I opened the Bible at random in the middle. I saw Isaiah 19. What’s it say? “The oracle concerning Egypt…” What help is that? I frowned, wishing my dad was there to help me.

I put the Bible back and took the letter. The envelope read: “East”. Is… this my oracle?

But just then my eyes caught a glimpse of something shimmering in the waters. Curiosity called me. I put everything away, slipped my socks and shoes back on, and hopped off the log to investigate.

A glimmer in the sun. An object among stream stones. A… necklace. Golden chain. Golden… crucifix. My… older brother’s.

As I stared, I yelled at it as if doing so would scare it away. The yelling quickly turned to crying.

Someone else had been here before. And not just anyone.

Everything around me looks less magical, less natural, less free… from reality.

I sniffled. With greater composure, my hands clasped the same necklace a minute-ago version of me would have thrown back into the stream. I took it with me to a patch of grass, set my backpack aside, and lay down. The clouds really are breaking away. No wonder man doesn’t have to when God does it for them. He cursed the ground, not the sky.

I lay there and let the singing birds comfort me, the cool grass soothe me, and the fading clouds ground me. After much time, I sat up and reopened my backpack. I took a swig of water, prayed for peace of mind, and opened the letter. It read:

East,

Don’t hate me, but it was inevitable I was going to move out. It’ll happen to you, too. It might not make sense now, but you’ll understand when you’re older. For now, I’m asking you to trust me when I say this is for the best for all of us as a family.

In case I haven’t said it enough and for every time you need to know it: I love you. I really do.

So, take care of Mother and Father for me, keep doing your prayers, and I’ll be sure to visit from time to time.

West

I read it a couple more times. Especially that middle part. And then the top part. And then again the last part.

I looked at the necklace that rested in my hand. I flipped the cross over and read “West” engraved on the back. I put it on. The chain was a little big, but I liked it.

I got up, put my letter away, and looked around one last time at this beautiful sanctuary.

The whole hour I spent walking home was one I spent walking alone with my brother.

Here the trees grew as freely as we allowed them. The clouds clung together with bits of vapor from the local factory smokestack. The sun set ahead of me, and the expansive sky hung there still.