The Cruel Realm of Love and Betrayal

‘It’s your turn.’ Elias pointed out, positioning himself behind me with his chest out. I can see his breath mark on the glass my fingertips are touching. My heart skips a beat upon seeing our faces together in the reflection, combined with the stormy-purple sky that is evident in the window. I swing around so my head of thick brown hair is below his chin, forcing him to inhale the scent of orchid and coconut.

           ‘Is there any point in me playing? You’re a way better snooker player than I am’ I laughed.

           ‘Pepper, after knowing you for all these years, I know that you love to try and beat me anyway.’

I laughed again, lightly scratching his ribs that were peeking through his white buttoned-down shirt. He goes to tickle me under my arms, but I turn to run away. My choice of destination is limited, I can barely see anything. Elias’ games room is covered with iron Gray walls, with only the electric fire giving light to our half naked bodies.

He grabbed my shoulders, turned me around so our bodies were facing each other again. I gasp with a smile and look up. His chocolate brown eyes look deeply into mine as he brushes his fingers through my hanging down curls, his fingernails tickling my cheek. I take a deep breath in, wanting to live in this moment forever. My heart is racing; my only desire is pressing my lips against his. He slides his hands down to my hips, briskly touching my lime green lingerie, as I stand on my tip toes to reach his mouth. He kisses me tenderly, his touch turning into a firm grasp, grasping me tighter. I throw my arms around his neck, and he pulls me even closer. He lifts my body, so my legs are folding over his arms, still kissing, taking me upstairs to his bedroom. The darkness follows us.

His bedroom has an enigmatic feel to it. The charcoal walls allure me in, not so much into a trap, but into a hole that I have dug myself so deep, that it’s impossible to get out of. He lays me on his bed in slow motion, before stripping off the rest of his clothes and then peeling off mine.

After hours of loving each other, he fell asleep in my arms, completely relaxed. I have been staring into the pitch black above me, I can’t sleep no matter how hard I try. The king size bed consumes the both of us, like two peas in a pod. I don’t want to leave him at all, not even for a second. But my incessant thinking gives me a dry mouth and a headache. I must get up.

 I tread softly towards the En Suite, treading past the walk-in wardrobe. I know I shouldn’t go in there because I know what’s in there. Yet, I can feel my legs walking backwards to enter the room full of clothes and…that. 

There it is, the astonishing white wedding gown, perfectly fitted onto a mannequin. The wedding gown I designed for my best friend. I loathed her that day, the day she married the man I am meant to be with. There were plenty of opportunities for me to tell her no, don’t go with him, he’s mine. But those words never left my lips, I just let it happen without protest. I think back to the day she asked me if she could date him twenty-two years ago:

‘Elias is actually quite cute in he?’ Paloma shouted over to me in a dingy nightclub bathroom. She was admiring her fresh perm.

‘He’s handsome! Only now you’re realising it?’ I said to her, raising my eyebrows.

‘Yeah! I’ve always seen him as our funny, geeky friend.’

‘Geeky? He plays football every weekend and spas with his brothers when he’s home. He just knows a lot of stuff.’ I told her.

‘Whatever, I think he’s cute and I want him to take me out. Do you think you would be okay with it?’

My heart sank to the floor. She knew how close me and Elias used to be when we were teenagers, she was there! I was too stunned to say my thoughts out loud. I do remember wanting to punch her in the face and to slap the idea out of her head. But I didn’t want to say no to my best friend, the girl who let me stay over her house on school nights when my divorced parents were out clubbing separately, the girl who helped me apply to the collage of arts and the girl who provided me with endless cups of tea in times of crisis. So, I didn’t admit to not being okay with it, I simply said, ‘Go for it.’ What a fool I was.

The insomnia makes my body stiff. I’m sitting up against the mountain of pillows, watching Elias’ chest move up and down, peacefully in tune with his breathing. He slept through the entire night, leaving me to reminisce our affair, alone.

‘Good morning, beautiful.’ I say to Elias as soon as I see his eye-lids twitch. I stroke the short hairs reaching up his jawline. How can one person be so precious to me?

‘What time is it babe?’ He groans, cuddling into me.

‘It’s around quarter to eight’

‘Mmm, I hope we’re having a lie in.’

‘Of course.’ I say softly. ‘I couldn’t sleep at all last night.’

His head is resting on my chest with his arms wrapped around me tight. The feel of his large muscles is quite comforting.

‘Why couldn’t you sleep?’

‘She’s going to come back early El, I can feel it.’

He pulls away from my hold, sits up in bed and rubs his eyes. ‘Peps, I told you, she can’t come back until Sunday, that housing convention is too important for her promotion. Plus, she spoke about going to her mum’s house for dinner or something.’ He explained to me for the tenth time this weekend. He notices that I’m looking around the bedroom instead of looking at him, observing in silence. I hear his exasperation next to me before he says ‘look, I know we have been nearly caught before, and I understand that you don’t want to get caught because she’s your best friend. But can you please focus on us two in the limited time we have left together? My heart breaks every time she replaces your presence.’

There’s a long pause before I finally blurt out ‘how come you married her and not me?’

He extends his hand to my dainty chin and turns my face to look at him. I instantly notice the redness rising in his cheeks. His eyes soften, ‘I was young and foolish, I was not the perceptive man that I am today, and she was a very attractive woman’ He starts. I roll my eyes and turn away from him. He twists my body back to face his and admits ‘I had no idea you wanted to reconcile until me and Paloma came back from our honeymoon, when we attended my brother’s birthday party.’

More silence. I let out a soft ‘hmm’ so he doesn’t think that I’m ignoring him.

My head starts to host a montage of the party he is talking about at The Crown Hotel in 1985. I remember shots of vodka being glided around on plastic trays. I needed the alcohol to drown my depression and sorrows. I realised that for the rest of my life, I am going to have to witness my best friend be married to the love of my life. Each time Paloma flitted off to socialise with mutual friends on other tables, or to dance with Elias’ family members, it left me and Elias to flirt excessively. I was deliberately sitting close to him, leaving my hand on his knee, patting his shoulder when pretending to laugh and even pulled down plum linen dress to enhance my breasts. This clearly got his attention because Elias’ was practically drooling. I remember the butterflies fluttering in my stomach when the moment we stopped talking, the moment our eyes were screaming out the words ‘I want you now.’ As rainbow disco lights pierced through the cigarette smoke and Diana Ross filled everyone’s ears, I could feel Elias take my hand and lead me upstairs, to the hotel room that him and his wife had paid for. That night is when our affair began.

I no longer wanted to talk about why we are not together, so I slid under the heavy quilt covers, hopefully I can escape my lack of bravery under there. Elias had other ideas.

‘You can’t hide under there forever.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, you’ll suffocate for a start.’

‘Is that such a bad thing?’

He yanked the quilt off the bed, exposing my eyes to the rays of sun, seeping through the blinds. ‘Stop talking like that, come here.’ His tone both serious yet comforting. The day went by quickly. For the most part I was dipping in and out of sleep because I was exhausted from the constant thoughts running through my head.

Before we could start cooking dinner, we cuddled on his leather couch, the mahogany outline matching cabinets around the living room. What if this was my home too? What if Paloma never married Elias and I was the one who married him that day instead? What if she does catch us one day and I get the wish I have always wanted, to have my happy ending with the man I love so dearly. One of my what if’s nearly came true on many occasions, I couldn’t count them on both hands. And just like I had declined to voice my opinion at the beginning of all this, I declined to see the reality I am living in, causing myself to dive deeper into the cruel realm of love and betrayal.

We went straight to bed after eating dinner, we didn’t bother cleaning up. We were desperate to be intimate one last night before I had to leave. Who knows when we can play out our fantasy again. As my body lay flat, next to his, feeling the heat radiate from his body, I could hear his mouth opening and closing, attempting to say something. I was content laying in silence, obsessing over the smell of his sandalwood and vanilla bodywash.

‘You know, I have always loved you, Pepper.’ He began whilst stroking my hand he was holding with his thumb. ‘I know I loved you the day you turned me down in the park, in front of all the boys. I was gobsmacked when you said no to being my girlfriend and that I would have to work harder to get you. That was the longest game of kiss chase that I ever played ha.’ He rolls his body to face mine. He paused for a moment, holding my hand up to his mouth, kissing it ever so gently. ‘I wish you told me that your love for me was still there when I came back from university.’

I turn my body to face his, looking deep into his eyes and said, ‘Are you saying that if I did come back to you, proclaiming that the love I had for you never went away, that I would be the one married to you right now?’

‘Yes.’

I drop his hand so I can hold his heart shaped face, sweat dripping down his eyebrow. I kiss him and I can feel his smile as he kisses me back. The calmness of the moment quickly becomes dramatic and intense, sending me into a state of euphoria. I never want to leave him.  

           Our beautiful moment of tenderness and electricity led to Elias falling asleep on my chest. I struggled to fall asleep again. Even with the love of my life clinging to my body, I still had that feeling that something was about to unfold and that I would not be able to control it.  By the time the stars have disappeared in the night sky to welcome the sun, I was sleeping lightly, lightly enough to hear every noise outside. Sub-consciously I was recognising each noise that reached my eardrums. Blue-jays, squirrels, leaves blowing across the grass, moving car tyres on the pebbled driveway, wait, what?!

           I bolt out of bed, the shock of cold air spreads goosebumps all over my body. I look through the gap in the blacked-out curtains, and I could feel my stomach drop and my heart rate rise so fast, I thought I was going to have a heart-attack. That’s her car. That’s Paloma’s car.

‘El, El, wake up!’

           ‘Not today, Satan, I have duties elsewhere.’ He grumbled, pretending to still be dreaming.

           I grab a random pillow that had fallen to the floor last night, I launch it at his face. ‘WAKE UP.’

           ‘What? What could possibly be the emergency that is to have me awake at this ungodly hour?’

           ‘Ungodly hour? It’s 11am!’ I yelled. ‘We slept through your alarm and now YOUR wife and MY best friend is cruising up the driveway, minutes away from entering this house to find that he world is about to be shattered!’

           ‘Peps honestly, I’m done with all the sneaking around and thinking about which lie we must tell next and covering my back all the time. Can’t we just let her catch us and get it over with?’ No! I thought to myself.

           As my entire life was flashing before my eyes, I heard footsteps glide on the hollow porch outside. ‘Quick, grab your phone, call her saying you’re at the hospital and you need her to pick you up!’ I plead.

           He tipped his head to the side, ‘Peps, that’s not going to work, my car is parked in the driveway.’

           I grabbed the dressing gown titled HIS from the back of the bedroom door, I was sticking to the wooden floor from the excessive sweat escaping each foot. I need to hide somewhere, anywhere, what about that bathroom? Or that bathroom? Or that other bathroom? My eyes could not keep up with my frantic brain.

           ‘El? You home?’ Paloma’s voice echoed from the foyer, with the door closing behind her. I can’t feel my legs, even if I did decide on a place to hide, my legs couldn’t carry me there. I feel Elias rest his hands rest on my shoulder, my body trembling.

           ‘I need you to be brave for me, this moment has been a long time coming, we can do this.’ He whispered in my ear.

My body and mind were frozen, I have run out of ideas and lies to keep this affair secret, there’s no-where else to hide. The sound of her heels is getting closer and I feel like I’m going to be sick.

           ‘I’ve come home first, I want to change my clothes before I..’

           And there she stood, in front of the two people who she trusts most in the world, the two people who took her love and threw it in her face, who took a dagger and twisted it in her heart, who only thought of themselves when they were seeing each other in secret. A flurry of emotions coarse through me. Her eyes are constantly running back and forth from me and Elias. Her blonde bob stays still as her body freezes. Who’s going to speak first? Her jaw is clenched; I can tell she is fighting back tears which make my own eyes fill up. The moment Elias opens his mouth to speak first, Paloma collapses to the floor, howling like a wolf. She scrunches her body up tight, using her arms to cover her face. Witnessing the sheer heartbreak that I have caused in front of me; I am once again pulled into the cruel realm of love and betrayal.