Divine loss

Dear Jade,

here is another letter for you. Lately, I've been thinking about you differently than I did a few months ago. In fact, every time someone mentioned your name, I would instantly start crying, torn apart by grief, but now... now it's different. When I think of you, my lips form a melancholy smile. Of course, I can't deny that I miss you more than anything else in the world, but I know you would want to see me smile, and that's why I do it. I think about you every day, you are always in my mind, and you will be there forever. A tear rolls down my cheek every time I think back to your smile, your zest for life, and the joy you conveyed just by being there. You were a yellow person. Yellow people are those who win a place in people's hearts thanks to their empathy, warmth, and kindness. So yes, to me you were definitely a yellow person. I remember when, hand in hand, we would go into every thrift shop looking for vintage T-shirts that we couldn't find anywhere else. I also remember when we used to swap clothes. Your sweaters smelled of coffee, mint, and rain. I miss smelling that scent, which I would have recognized anywhere. I miss going into the kitchen in the morning and finding you already up at seven, making me breakfast without me even asking. Because that's how you were, you liked to make people happy without asking for anything in return. I remember us sitting together on my balcony in the evening, watching the streets. You liked to watch the city light up as the sky darkened. Because you said it was as if people turned on the lights in their homes and refused to accept the darkness of the night. A bit like you. In fact, you always tried to fight the darkness and preferred the vitality of the morning. Instead of looking at the skyline, I looked at you, because you were the most fascinating thing in the world to me. Because your eyes lit up every time you looked at something you liked, because you never missed an opportunity to tell me about everything you were passionate about, because you knew I would listen to you, because the beauty of your soul transcended all boundaries. I liked talking to you about anything and everything, because you made even the most insignificant things seem wonderful. I liked writing you notes in the morning when I left for work, so that when you woke up, you would find my good morning message, even if I couldn't say it to you in person. So, as I was on my way, I imagined how happy you would be to find my note on the kitchen table, I imagined how important you would feel. I hoped you would smile when you read it and think about how much you were on my mind. This idea put me in a good mood. I liked kissing you on the forehead before going to sleep, because it felt like I could protect you from everything and everyone. But I wasn't able to protect you from your fate. I adored listening to you as you tried to play something on the guitar and sing the chorus of your favorite songs. You always apologized when you played for too long and thought it bothered me, but I actually would spend days listening to you. I liked seeing how focused you were on not missing a single chord, and how much you wanted to improve. I used to call you “dark-haired angel”, dark-haired because of your black curly hair, that you didn't care for and kept uncombed, and angel for your boundless kindness and generosity, just like divine creatures. I liked calling you like that because it was my way of letting you know how much I cared about you. I always held your hand tightly as if something could take you away... maybe I should have held you tighter. In life, you never know what might happen. How long the good times will last and for how long the bad times will persist. You never know when your favorite person will no longer be there to hold your hand, when you will see them smile for the last time, or when you will spend an afternoon with them, unaware that it will be the last. Walking by your side was the best part of my day, now those walks are not the same without you. But I can't cry now when I hear your name, I have to smile, smile in memory of how many smiles we gave each other, smile in memory of all the happy days we spent together, and smile for all the times we talked about how we would be together forever. I have to thank you for being the brightest part of my life, for making me understand that I deserve sincere affection too, like the kind you kindly gave me. I also have to thank you for never trying to let go of my hand, no matter what. Our hands were always joined, like our souls. But sometimes fate does not respect people's wishes, no matter how hard they try, they cannot escape what awaits them. In fact, our hands were brutally separated, without warning, only with cruelty, and they will never be able to rejoin again. One afternoon like many others, I received a call on my cell phone, and I answered calmly. The voice on the phone told me that you had been hit by a car while crossing the crosswalk, because the driver had not stopped. My breath suddenly caught in my throat. I didn't hesitate to grab my jacket and run to the local hospital as quickly as possible. The terror of losing you struck me harder and harder with every step I took to reach you. I entered your hospital room, gray and devoid of personality, two adjectives that did not suit you at all. You were lying on the hospital bed, and it was looking at you, at that moment, that I realized we were separating. The light in your eyes was fading, and slowly your soul, usually so bright with light, was fading away. I felt that we were drifting apart, as if something more powerful than us had decided that we could no longer be so close. Those hours were hellish for both of us. I stayed by your side, hoping with all my heart that you would be saved, continue to live, and return to sit next to me on my balcony. But inside me, I clearly felt the distance that was growing between us, as if you had become unreachable. I had never seen you so lifeless, with no desire to live and keep fighting. You, who were the most enthusiastic person I had ever met, had now almost lost the will to try. It was as if you knew you could no longer succeed. The pain was letting you abandon yourself to fate and wish for eternal peace. I held your hand as if I could give you a little of my life, and you, in turn, squeezed mine and looked me in the eyes and said, “After all, you said it yourself, I'm an angel, so I'll grow wings and fly away”. Bitter tears streamed down my cheeks, one after another. After about ten minutes, your eyes closed forever, and my life was never the same again. In the first few days after your death, I couldn't get out of bed because it seemed to me that life had become meaningless, and that happiness was an emotion that would never belong to me again. As it was a sin to be happy now that I had lost you. Your favorite sweater was still hanging on the chair. It still smelled like you. Every time I walked past it, I looked at it and didn't have the courage to wear it. I cried every day, and I couldn't believe that I would never speak to you again, that I would never hear your beautiful voice laugh again, that I would never hug you or see you smile another time. But lately I've been thinking a lot, and I've come to believe that if you could talk to me now, you would tell me not to cry, but to keep smiling and enjoy life like all girls do at my age. In fact, you always hated seeing me in tears. So I decided to try to return to my usual lifestyle, despite the pain that burns my stomach and breaks my heart. I will never be as happy as I was before by your side, I will never feel such strong and pure feelings for anyone else as I did for you. No one will ever take the place you had in my heart, and I will never forget what we were. Thanks to you, I understood what it means to truly see a soul and to be able to understand and appreciate every facet of it. I wish I had one more time to spend simply with you, to tell you how much your presence, even if only for a short time, improved my life. I wish I had one more time to let you know how happy you made me and how appreciated I felt having you by my side. But life doesn't always give you the time you need to find the courage to say how you feel. Sometimes life snatches time away from you, leaving you to regret all the missed opportunities and everything left unsaid. If I had the chance to talk to you one last time, I wouldn't say anything in particular, but I would listen to your voice speaking to me another time, with your eyes shining. Because everyday gestures are more important than grand speeches, because they are what will be missed when they are no longer experienced. The things that will be missed the most are all the memories you will have of a person, all the moments spent together. So I would like to experience one last time that wonderful feeling of talking to you and feeling your affection and trust in me. That's all I want. You dreamed of becoming a famous singer, playing guitar to accompany your singles on a big stage. But you weren't able to fulfill this wish in time, and now you won't have another chance. But who knows? Maybe there are stages in heaven too. The only shame is that from earth, I won't be able to hear your performance. If I could have seen you on stage at least once, I would have looked at you with eyes full of pride and admiration. Because, in my opinion, there is no greater joy than seeing the person you care the most about, fulfill their dream. I miss you so much, and I will never be ready to accept the fact that I will never see you again. But I want to smile in your memory, I want to bring your smile back to my lips. Because you always had a smiling face, full of joy, you wanted to bring your positivity wherever you were. Now I am sure that you continue to light up the world from heaven, watching over all the people that you care about. Even though we are no longer physically close, I feel your spirit closer than ever. I feel you watching over me every day from the sky and giving me all your protection. I promise you that I will try to find peace within myself and talk about you with a smiley face. Because everything we experienced together was wonderful and does not deserve to be recounted with sadness and tears in my eyes. We miss you more and more every day, and everyone who knew you mourns your loss. You were a light that illuminated the darkness, a unique person, impossible to forget. Everyone carries a piece of you in their heart and will cherish you as a precious memory. I hope I have been able to give you at least some of the happiness you gave me. Even if only for a short time, you were by my side, you chose to be present in my life and to make me part of yours. I am glad to have accompanied you in these last years of your life, and I promise that I tried to be the right person to do so. I hope your smile hasn't faded, even now that no one can see it anymore. I hope heaven is beautiful, my dear “dark-haired angel,” since you have now truly become one.

Yours forever,

Nova