Girlfriend of the Week

I’ve been sitting in this uncomfortable cafe stool, Ed Sheeran playing through the speakers in the background, listening to another of Andrew’s heartbroken sob stories again. After ten minutes of him ranting I finally decide to contribute to the conversation.

“Didn’t you guys only date for three weeks?”

“But it felt like a lifetime! She was so sweet, kind, funny. She had this laugh that made my skin crawl but I even miss that now. How could she leave me?”

I take a sip of my iced americano, trying to avoid eye contact. He was a terrible boyfriend. Of course she left him.

“Well, what did she say when she ended things?” I probe.

“She told me I was inconsiderate, immature, and obtuse. Like, what do triangles have to do with anything? She was totally just making excuses.”

I debate with myself over whether I should tell him what obtuse means. Honestly though, he can handle it.

“She didn’t mean triangles, obtuse means you’re ignorant.”

“That bitch, I’m not a jerk!”

“Not arrogant, Igno- ya know what, never mind. What else did she tell you?” I push the conversation along.

“When I asked what she meant, she said her birthday was an example. But what the hell did I do wrong on her birthday?”

“Uh, didn’t you buy her a Luigi toothbrush as a gift?”

“And a card with a five dollar bill in it.” He adds.

“Yeah, I don’t think girls want children’s toothbrushes as birthday gifts from their boyfriends.”

“It was a matching set!” Andrew yells out, gaining the attention of a few people on laptops nearby. “I got the Mario one. She loves when we all play Mario Party.”

“No, she doesn’t. She always leaves half way through and you complain to her about how she should finish the game.”

“She shouldn’t start the game if she’s not going to finish it.” He complains.

“Uh, you don’t really give her a choice. You beg her to play.”

“Hey,” He says, irritation lacing his voice, “I don’t beg. And fine, so maybe I shouldn’t have given her a Luigi toothbrush. But I still gave her five bucks. That was considerate, right?”

“Maybe you should stick with the three basics. Flowers, chocolates, jewelry. Can’t go wrong with those.” I advise him.

“But aren’t those a little too, you know, lazy?”

“And throwing five dollars in a card isn’t?”

“But I put some thought into the actual card. I got one with a dog cause she has a dog. And even though it said ‘happy Anniversary’, I crossed it out and wrote ‘Birthday’ instead.” I hear muffled chuckling from behind us, indicating someone is listening in but it doesn’t seem like Andrew picked up on it. I take another sip of my drink, trying to figure out how to respond but I have no good options here. His idea of thoughtful was on a whole other level of stupid. So time to move on.

“What about dates? Did you do anything romantic?”

“Oh yeah!” He sits up excitedly. “I rocked it on dates, the best one was when we went to the mall. There was this new game shop where I got two new switch games. They let you play the games for a bit before you buy it though and I got thirty minutes of progress in, that I had to completely redo when I got home on my own game card. Then—”

“Wait,” I stop him. “You played video games by yourself for thirty minutes on your date?”

Andrew ponders my statement for a moment, “Oh, nah man, it was fine. She waited for me. No big deal. Then I bought her a pretzel so it’s all good.”

“No it’s not. If you actually like a girl, you need to pay attention to them on dates. This sounds like you did whatever you want and didn’t consider her at all.”

“Damn dude, who’s side are you even on?”

“Not yours. You completely failed at being a boyfriend. I can’t even try to defend you on this shit.”

“That hurts. Bros before hoes, zawg!”

“Bruh, that’s why I’m hear listening to you in the first place. But if you ever want a relationship to work out, you should try to listen.”

“You could be nicer about it.” Andrew pouts. “But afterwards we got food and talked and stuff.”

“Did you do anything romantic together?” I ask, hoping something romantic is salvageable in him. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to keep hearing all these heart break rants cause no girl is going to stay with him at this rate.

“Isn’t going out to eat and talking romantic? That’s like, date shit.”

“Dude,” the frustration and exhaustion evident in my voice, “me and you grab food and talk all the time.”

“Ewww, I don’t wanna date you. You’re like my brother. And you know, a dude.” The guy sitting behind us who was stifling laughter before, wasn’t able to hold it back this time. I turn around and see a salt and pepper haired man with his head down trying and failing to hold back his laugh.

“You’re hopeless, I’m gonna grab us some more drinks.” I shut down the rest of the conversation cause I’m obviously not going to get anywhere with him.

“Nope, I’ll get them! I need to move around a bit, sitting still is seriously exhausting.” Andrew declares as he jumps out of his seat and bounces to the register. A minute later, the salt and pepper eavesdropper gathers his things and stands up. Before he leaves, he turns around to face me. My Algebra teacher smirks when my eyes widen in surprise as I realize who he is.

“Your friends sounds very…” He thinks a moment, “Obtuse.” He laughs and leaves just before Andrew bounces his way back with the biggest smile on his face.

“Dude you’ll never guess what just happened!”

I shrug my shoulders, “what?”

“I just met my soulmate! Her name is Kenzie.” he thinks for a moment, “or maybe it was Kenna?”

I groan and bang my head down on the table in response.

“What? I’m serious this time.” Andrew smiles.

“mhm, I believe you.” I tell him before tuning out the rest of what he tells me about her. This is gonna suck.

The End