Please, Don't End the Universe

Eugene stands in the foyer of his home with a hand on the door. He looks down at his shoes, untied, no socks, looking as tired as he feels. He looks over his shoulder into the dark abyss of the hallway at the top of the steps, illuminated only by a tiny sliver of yellow light that creeps in from under the bedroom door. He can hear her crying, a muffled pathetic sound that someone could easily mistake as a dog's whine. He shouldn’t compare her to a dog. That’s terrible. He turns back to the silver knob in his hand. It's cold - strangely - oddly cold.

A man’s voice speaks from beside him in the dark. Close enough to make Eugune jolt away from the door. 

“Eugune, listen.” The man says.

“Who the fuck are you?” Eugene yells, clutching his chest.

The man puts both hands in front of him and bends his knees slightly like a man negotiating a hostage situation. “My name’s Tom. And don’t worry. I’m mostly not real.”

Eugene takes a stumble backwards before flailing his arms towards the coat rack against the wall. After a couple misses, he manages to grab the handle of an umbrella and holds it up like a baseball bat, “What are you doing in my house?”

Tom keeps his hands up, careful to keep his distance, but in a more of a ‘let the dog know you mean no harm’ sort of way. “I can’t let you leave the house. If you break up with your girlfriend the whole universe will collapse in on itself and we will all cease to exist.”

Eugene squints his eyes and even lowers his umbrella a little as he tries to process.

“I’m an interdimensional being who's been sent to make sure you don’t break up with your girlfriend. If you do, all life, matter, and energy in the universe will cease to exist. I am barely real by human standards.” He points at the umbrella like he’s about to tell it how good of a job it's doing, “Hit me with that umbrella. I’ll show you.” Tom puts his hands at his sides, palms out, and pushes out his chest for a perfect opening, “Come on, don’t be shy.”

Eugene continues to stand in what approximates a three year old’s t-ball stance before slowly dropping his umbrella until it's parallel with the ground and shoves the tip towards Tom. The umbrella gives no resistance as it appears to make contact with the middle of Tom’s chest. Tom shrugs and rolls his eyes, “Good enough.” He relaxes his shoulders as Eugune recoils, hugging the umbrella close to his chest.

Tom sighs, his tone turning conversational, “Listen, I know you’re in a mildly miserable relationship, but for the good of the universe, you’re just going to have to grin and bear it.” 

Eugene only responds with a stutter and glances up to the bedroom, unsure if he should yell or if that would just make things worse.

“She won’t be able to see me. I’m interdimensional. But that’s not important right now.” Tom puts his hands on his hips, he’s tall and built like a man who works on big trucks. With Eugune cowering by the coat rack Tom is a whole foot taller than him, like he’s giving a pep talk to a beleaguered underdog team. “Do you know what a trolley problem is?” he doesn’t wait for Eugene’s answer, “Imagine there are two tracks, and you have to choose which track the trolley will go down. On one track is the entire fucking universe. On the other track is a guy, that if you hit him, he doesn’t die per say, he just has to stay in a mildly miserable relationship for the rest of his life. Now, what track do you send the trolley down?” Tom waits for Eugene’s answer, his hands still on his hips.

“I… I don’t know” Eugene says.

Tom drops his head and sighs through his nose like all the air is slowly leaking out of him. “It’s a pretty easy scenario to answer. Honestly, it was mostly rhetorical.”

“Listen, I know that being in a mildly miserable relationship seems bad. But lots of people make it work. In fact, most people figure it out. Get a hobby. Spend extra time at work. And…” He wags a finger, like the perfect argument just now came to him, “And it’s only miserable on the average. There are plenty of good days sprinkled in there too.” He purses his lips and turns solemn, “And besides, isn’t true love about sticking though the mildly miserable? If you really loved her, you should be willing to be miserable forever.”

Eugene wipes a bead of sweat from his temple and extends his umbrella once again. This time placing the tip deep into Tom’s chest and wiggling it around like a child drawing stick figures with a two foot long crayon. Tom starts leaking again.

“I think I know what this is.” Eugene finally whispers, after painting an entire invisible stick figure family in Tom’s chest. “You’re my subconscious. You don’t want me to break up with Melanie. You’re like a metaphor.”

“God damn it! Like a metaphor?” Tom yells. He shakes his head like a father who just watched his son get beat up by a girl. “No, I’m not a metaphor. This isn’t some philosophical theater art piece. This is a real existential doomsday scenario.”

Eugene stands up straighter, closing some of the height difference, “I don’t think I am supposed to listen to you. You represent my fear and anxiety. You look just like my dad.”

Tom pinches his eyebrows, “I’m not your father. And please, dear God, this is no time to deal with your emotional unhealth. Your unhealth is literally the only thing keeping the universe together.”

Eugene wags a finger at Tom, “That look, that’s the same look my father would give.”

Tom’s leak gets bigger, “Yeah, I don’t doubt it.”

“I’m not listening to you. You’re just a manifestation of my fears. I’m leaving.” Eugene throws the umbrella away and wraps his fingers back around the cold silver door knob. He takes a breath.

“If you stay, you’ll have two kids.” Tom blurts out, “They don’t even turn out that bad. You’ll love them.” The last part comes out like a car salesman that’s forgotten where he is in his pitch.

It's Eugene’s turn to start leaking, “And if I leave? What happens then?”

“God damn it Eugene. We’ve been over this. The universe collapses in on itself and we all die.”

Before Eugune can respond, the strip of glow at the top of the stairs grows into a large rectangle of yellow light. Melanie’s feet step into the light and then down the stairs. Her red eyes and disheveled brown hair are enough to make Euguene question everything. She floats down the stairs, her earlier tears and screams replaced by a stoic sadness. She stops in front of Eugene and takes one of his hands in hers. Her skin is soft and warm, “Eugene, I’m sorry. Let’s not argue about this anymore. I love you.”

Eugene looks into her eyes, following the red veins until they disappear under her eyelids, “I love you too.” He finally manages, and Melanie doesn’t press the issue. She tugs gently on his hand as she starts floating back up the steps, “Let’s go to bed.” Tom smiles as Eugene allows himself to be silently led back upstairs into the light, “You’re doing great Eugene." Tom calls out, “She’s at least two leagues above you. You snag a woman like that, it's worth staying miserable for the rest of your life.”

Tom winks and disappears.

*****

As the years go on, Tom’s predictions come to pass like watching an hour hand move. At some point Eugene has to admit that Tom was right about his relationship, but at exactly what time this admission is realized is hard to define. The children are older now, mostly out of the house. But without their cute little faces anchoring Eugene to his mildly miserable marriage, his mind often wanders back to the night Tom appeared.

He looks down at his hand as he reaches for the door knob. It's cold - a bit too cold. He’d told Meline he was just going to the garage, and that’s not a lie, but he’s only ever felt the door knob this cold once before. He turns his head to the left and spots a pair of legs and two hands resting on a man’s hips.

“Don’t do it.” Tom says, like he’s just caught Eugene with his hand in the cookie jar. “You’ve already made it this far. What’s a few more years?”

Eugene keeps his hand on the door knob, barely looking up at Tom, “I’m tired of being miserable. I think I deserve to try and be happy.”

Tom shakes his head like he’s been helping Eugune with homework all evening. “Think about your kids? It hasn’t been all bad.”

“They’ll be fine. They know I love them.”

Tom throws his hand up in the air like an umpire personally offended him with a bad call, “God damn it, Eugene. No they won’t. They’ll be dead. It’s like talking to a brick wall, but if the brick wall is also completely delusional.

Eugene shakes his head, “I understand what you’re saying but I don’t believe that anymore. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my own well-being just because I’m afraid of what might happen. That doesn’t make me a bad person.”

Tom’s fingers tap rapidly against his hips as his eyes roll towards the ceiling, “Actually it does. Your selfishness will condemn the entire world. You’ll be worse than Hitler.”

Eugene laughs, “My subconscious is so dramatic.” He lets go of the door knob and takes a step towards Tom. Tom seems shorter now, or perhaps Eugene just feels taller, “When I think about my kids, the number one thing I want for them is to be happy. I would never want them to live a mildly miserable life. Why do I think that I deserve any less?”

Tom shakes his head a little too vigorously, “Your kids aren’t going to be happy. They will be dead. If you just had to be mildly miserable for the last few years of your life in order to save your kids wouldn’t you do it?”

Eugene turns his back on Tom and wraps his fingers tight around the cold silver door knob. “I’m not listening to you anymore. You were right. There were some good days sprinkled in with the bad ones and if I could go back who knows what I’d change. But I’m ready now. I’m ready to confront whatever comes next.”

Eugene throws open the door and steps outside into a red sunset just peeking over the trees. Tom, now standing in the doorway, his hands cradling his head, unleashes a string of profanity. A sudden wind ripples through Eugene’s hair carrying the scent of an oncoming storm. The wind never turns into a gust. It continues building until it starts ripping leaves off of branches, pulling them upwards into the sky like the whole world is about to be sucked into the clouds.

Tom takes a deep breath and the red color in his face starts to very slowly dissolve, replaced by a reserved sadness, like a father discovering that his son wants to go to cosmetology school. He points at the sun at the same time as a few of the neighbors, its red outline somehow rising up and across the treeline like a tsunami.

“We’re collapsing towards the sun. We’ll all be dead soon.”

Eugene stutters, his eyebrows pulled tight together, “I’m sorry, I really did think it was all a metaphor.”

Tom slaps Eugene on the back like a little league coach that just watched his son strike out at the big game, “It’s okay Eugene. Life was miserable for me too. I’ve spent the last few years watching you, making sure you stayed in your miserable relationship, and it has just been terrible. You can only watch a guy watch The Office so many times before you start wishing for the end of the universe yourself. I couldn’t take being miserable anymore either, my heart just wasn't in it by the end. I’m sorry, I failed you.”

Eugene and Tom watch the sun grow like a balloon, both of them letting out a long leaking sigh.

“You know, you really do look like my dad. Weird huh?”

“Yeah, weird.”

The sun, so large now you can see a rainbow shaped solar flare wrap across its surface, bathes both of their faces in an orange glow.

“I guess it doesn’t matter.” Tom mutters as a family stands motionless on their front lawn, their young daughter weeping. “After the universe collapses it will eventually re-expand. Something will come from nothing once again.”

Eugene nods, “Is that a metaphor?”

“God Damn it!”