My Peace...

It's been two years since I walked the long path heading towards the one place I knew I could find peace. This week between holidays is nothing short of drudgery at its worst. It reminds me of loss, heartache, and pain, and so, I decided that instead of suffering through the depressing atmosphere, I would just spend a weekend in the cabin on the mountain.

The walls of shimmering white snow line the trail, leaving the way treacherous and giving it an unearthly, distinctly alien appearance. The towering evergreens fill the air with their musky scent, and the cold wind bites my cheeks and nose, leaving me breathless in my brisk walk. My mind wanders to the past, as it often does—to the memory of my beautiful wife on that fateful night two years ago. A car accident that left me a widower. I remember her for who she was, a woman both beautiful and humorous, a person who loved deeply and lived fully. I can remember when we started coming to my family's cabin, the joy she found at being here, present with each other. She loved the cabin and this forest so we spent many winter breaks here, sitting by the fireplace, and exploring our love beneath the moonlight and the wondrous scenery around us. My last memory of her was her blue eyes and a kiss, followed by the distinct smell of her lilac and cedarwood perfume. She left for her morning run and a man, who had fallen asleep at the wheel took my entire life away from me. In one final moment my life became something less than it was. A life that had been filled with joy, excitement, and love... now filled with coldness, emptiness, and pain. My heart still hurts at the memory.

I see the shadow of my family’s cabin, not one hundred yards from my position, when I'm startled at the thunderous breaking of a limb falling from one of the naked cousins of the evergreens. I point my flashlight in the pale moonlight towards the sound, when, low to the ground, my unbelieving eyes see the shimmering ethereal shape of a feminine figure with wings.

“Hello?” I ask the figure not twenty-five yards from where I stand. “Who are you?”

The figure giggles. The sound like a timbre of bells, her blonde hair shakes with her laugh. My heart nearly stops at the sound; it fills my cold and boredom-filled heart with sudden happiness.

Her voice lilts lightly as she answers me. “Who am I? That is an interesting question, isn't it? Perhaps a memory of the past, or the answer to your boredom? Or maybe I am someone coming to take your soul? Oh, or I could just be a passing light, filling you with joy and happiness before leaving you cold and empty?”

She flies further into the light of my flashlight, and I see her small figure. She wears a long, flowing white dress, and her eyes are a clear blue. She floats in the air, her wings fluttering like a butterfly.

“Or maybe, just maybe I am something more, something more… personal,” she grins.

I gulp, knowing my face isn't just red because of the weather. “I am not sure, but you seem so familiar. Are you a faerie?” I ask her.

“ A creature of fantasy and tall tales? Faeries surely do not exist? They are just faerie tales.” She says sardonically.

“Yeah, that's what I thought, but I've never seen anyone so small and with wings.” Suddenly, a thought races across my head, and fear creeps up my spine. “You aren't going to kill me, are you?”

“I think, if I wanted to kill you, Sam, then you would already be dead.” She says smugly.

“That’s true,” my heart nearly stops in shock. ”Wait, you said my name!” Do I know you?”

“Hmm… do you know me?”

“That's what I asked.” I answered her exasperatedly.

“I think you already know in your heart who I am, Sam.” she replies like a child with an ill hidden secret.

“this is impossible… I must be hallucinating, that limb must've knocked me out cold!” I scan the ground around me, but all I see is snow. I run my hands across my scalp, and everything feels fine, no contusions or blood.

She laughs loudly, my mind takes a second to register that beautiful sound. She waves a finger at me, and the scent of lilac and cedarwood wafts into the air. I fall to my knees in shock, recognition, and sadness.

“Lilly? How? You died!” The tears fall freezing before they hit the snow.

“ I did, did I? How rather inconvenient, my dear. It seems like an eternity since I saw your face.” She says softly to me. That humor that was so present in our lives never fails to leave my heart happy. I smile despite the tears.

“How, how can this be? I've missed you so much… I thought I'd never see you again…” my mind reels at the sight of her, my soul overwhelmed at the familiar voice, her beautiful soul. As though my soul has begun to heal just by being near her again.

“And I you, but here we are seeing each other again.”

“I just don't, I just don't understand..” I tell her, still unsure of this wonderful gift.

“Sam, we really don't have to understand. It's funny that you finally came to our cabin… It's always been our peace… maybe just maybe, the memories of this place will always hold a piece of our love, our commitment, our… joy. Maybe all you needed to do was come to this place.”

“I love you, Lilly, I have always loved you… I don't want to lose you... again.” My heart aches at the scent of her.

“Then come back, never stop coming back.. Never stop remembering. See Sam, the cabin was never your peace… I was.” She flies to me. When she arrives at my huddled form, a light nearly blinds me. In the place of her magical form, she appears to me as the last memory of the night she died. The same sweater and dark jeans, her blonde hair in her usual updo. She leans over my shaken form, her scent once again filling me with sadness and joy, and her hand slides across my back. “I am here, my love, if only for a night.” Her words give me the energy to stand up.

I stand embracing her, hugging her tightly, my tears wetting her shoulder. “You feel so real, it can't be possible, Lilly.”

“Then please, let's not waste it. I haven't been to the cabin with you since I… well, you know.”

Without a word, she leads me to the cabin. I follow her like a lovesick prince, caught up in the moment, unwilling to face the reality of what tomorrow brings.

Our night in the cabin filled me with unending joy, nostalgia, and peace. We sat as we always had in front of the fireplace, and explored our love beneath the moonlight. It felt like every other weekend vacation from our years together, and for that, I wouldn't have traded it for another place, another memory for anything.

That night… I needed it… I scarcely believe it happened. That may be I dreamt it, perhaps that limb I heard cracked me on the head despite my being unable to find it. However, that would not explain why the next morning I woke up in the cabin, the faint scent of her perfume still lingering in the air. I felt anew, as though the peace I longed for, the drudgery I sought to alleviate, was sated in one wonderful night with the woman of my heart. I walked throughout the cabin, looking to see if perhaps her ghost was still here, her memory still present, but alas, it wasn't to be.

The years passed, and I never failed to visit the cabin in the week between holidays… and Lilly? Her memory remains, bringing me back to the moment, the last moment that leaves my heart still filled with peace. The scent that fills my soul with longing.