Operation Bistro Noir

CW: Contains themes of physical violence, gore, and a reference to bestiality.

Agent Roll felt each tick of his watch as he nursed his cup of coffee. The croissant had helped soak up some of the acid trying to give him an ulcer, but he knew heartburn was coming and hoped the cream and sugar would blunt the edge. He scanned the patrons of La Goutte Chaude enjoying brunch, coffee, and tea over the top of the morning newspaper; the smell of butter and coffee overwhelmed the cheap paper and ink.

I should have picked up drawing or painting. He thought as he returned his gaze to the article breathlessly speculating on whether or not the Queen of Albion was having an affair with her pet collie. It’d be less suspicious to be people-watching if I were sketching them, and it’d certainly be less damage to my brain than this rot the Kommis Bloc papers call news. I should ask when I get back to Libertia. I’d hate to compromise this place after the debacle in Pragu.

The tinkle of the bell politely cut through Agent Roll’s thoughts. He glanced up and smiled as he recognized the man who held the door for the woman and the two children who followed. From the far east, the four of them stood out here in the bistro, though with the Kommis Party pins on their lapels, they could go anywhere they pleased.

“Ah, Mister Bundt,“ the man said with a bow. “I hope you have not been waiting long. My family is eager to see the farm you told me of.“

“I wasn’t waiting long at all, Mister Liu. Your timing is perfect, in fact. I had just finished eating before you arrived.“ Agent Roll stood and pulled out a chair for the teenage girl.

“That is good to hear. I had feared we were late.“ Mister Liu said. “It was a late night, cooking dinner for the Kommipol and Kommirus dignitaries. It is good to know they love my cooking, but I wish they didn’t love it so much that it kept me from my family and a good night’s sleep.“

“I guess that’s what you get for being Chef Liu Chang, Master of Ten-thousand Dishes, dear,“ the woman said. Her smile never touched her eyes, and there was a tightness to her expression, though she did at least keep her tone normal.

Understandable that she’d be feeling the strain. Agent Roll thought as he shifted the topic of conversation to the farm they were ostensibly meeting him to see and the quality of the poultry it produced. Defecting is never easy, even when you have your family coming with you. If everything goes smoothly, you are still leaving everyone you and your family know behind.

Agent Roll casually looked over the diners at the bistro, again. No one had come in since his last look around, but something was making the spot between his shoulder blades itch. He couldn’t put his finger on what, though. He would have put it down to paranoia, but one too many sets of eyes lingered on him and the Lius for just a fraction of a second too long. A man kept checking his watch too often. An elderly woman moved with just a bit too much pep. All of them were too small in isolation to mean much, but when they were all together, it added up to trouble on Agent Roll’s mental ledgers.

I’ll have to make sure we shake any tails before we smuggle them out of the country. I doubt anyone is going to make a move here in the middle of the Capitol. Agent Roll thought as he and the Lius stood. He surreptitiously unbuttoned his jacket to make it easier to get to the pistol holstered under his arm. The bell politely announced the arrival of a new customer just as he and Chef Liu were shaking hands.

What? Oh God, please no! Not that maniac from Pragu. Agent Roll dropped his smile as a cliff of a man walked in and turned straight for Chef Liu Chang. Operator Baguette reached into his jacket and pulled out a three-day-old baguette as he calmly approached. Agent Roll pulled Liu Chang out of the path of the homerun swing aimed at caving in the chef’s skull and threw the man to the ground.

Operator Baguette just turned to Misses Liu. Agent Roll shoulder-checked her out of the way of the backswing as he reached into his jacket, saving her from a blow that took out half of the column she’d been standing next to. The children, acting with more sense than Agent Roll had ever dared hope for, dove under the table. People were moving now, shouting, screaming. It was all noise and distraction to Agent Roll. He only had attention for one thing, and the baguette-wielding berserker was already grinning with a maddened light in his eyes.

Oh hell.

Agent Roll pulled out his pistol and lined up the sights with the man frothing at the mouth as he charged with the baguette held high over his head. Three shots rang in everyone’s ears, and the madman toppled over backwards as the bullets slammed into his chest. The Libertian agent quickly assessed the Lius’ condition. No blood, no broken bones, no concussions, good enough. He opened his jacket again as he approached the Lius to put his pistol back in its holster.

He stopped as he locked eyes with one of the patrons of the once quiet and pleasant bistro. Agent Roll recognized the man, the Borscht Butcher. Movement to one side caught his eye, and he groaned as he saw another Kommis Bloc agent, Mad Matilda, the Nasty Knitter.

I wonder how they decided to divvy up my remains. The Borscht Butcher gets the brains while Mad Matilda gets the guts?

The Broscht Butcher was already getting to his feet, so he was the first to take a pair of bullets to the chest. The burly man was still collapsing when silver glinted out of the corner of Agent Roll’s eye, and he turned to put two rounds into Mad Matilda and paint the floor behind her red.

Three rounds left. Dammit.

Agent Roll looked to the front door. He saw Sawtooth Sven and Axe-head Alexi, murderers for hire and two more familiar faces from Pragu, pulling masks off as they blocked the way. Offal Olga and Operator Red Mist were drawing weapons. All of the patrons were arming themselves.

Lovely. Everybody who’s anybody in wetwork in the Kommis Bloc. What the hell did I walk into?

“Get behind me!“ Agent Roll ushered the Lius towards the kitchen and what he hoped would be a clear back door.

“Do not bother,“ Operator Red Mist said, his Albion heavily accented. “We made sure door was locked.“

“With Matilda gone, I get his guts, jah?“ Offal Olga licked her lips, and Agent Roll shuddered.

I’ll be having nightmares about that look for a while.

Agent Roll swallowed as he backed up. He looked around. There had to be something he could use to his advantage, or that could buy him the time he needed to reload. The plan he was working on in his head became dead on arrival as Operator Baguette groaned and pulled himself to his feet.

“Puny bullets no match for Tsalinium vest, capitalist pig!“ He growled.

“Mister Bundt! The door is locked!“ Chef Liu Chang said.

There’s no way out. There’s no way— Agent Roll’s eyes widened as he saw the symbol the Libertia Intelligence and Foreign Espionage Service used to mark locations where agents could find a weapons cache. Hope and adrenaline rushed through him as he slammed the door and ran for the marked pantry. He grinned as light gleamed on brass, copper, and blued steel. Muscle memory from long hours of training took over, and Agent Roll had the heavy machine gun loaded with a box magazine in seconds.

Operator Baguette smashed through the kitchen door. Agent Roll greeted him with the chatter of automatic fire. He let the recoil walk his shots up Operator Baguette’s body where the Tsalinium vest didn’t cover. The echoes of the first burst were still fading as Agent Roll stepped over the dead man. The Kommis Bloc agents only had the briefest of moments to realize what they were seeing, and Agent Roll was already squeezing the trigger.

Sawtooth Sven and Axe-head Alexi were the first ones Agent Roll raked with fire. The staccato roll of the machine gun drowned out their screams. Offal Olga’s insides became her outsides. Operator Red Mist’s head turned into red mist. The others, the agents that Agent Roll didn’t know, were reaped by the same scythe of hot lead.

Silence fell over the shattered ruin of what had been a pleasant bistro. Agent Roll dropped the machine gun and pulled a shotgun from the pantry cache. He chambered a slug and blew the back door open. He saw no reason to subject the Liu children to the carnage in the dining room. Sirens echoed through the streets of the Capitol. Police, agents, and other officials swarmed La Goutte Chaude, but Agent Roll and the Lius were well on their way out of the city by the time the first cars rolled up to the bistro turned abattoir.

===

“Just once. Just once, I’d like to see you pull off a mission without the fireworks.“ The harried, balding man behind the desk, buried with papers and photos, sighed as he scrubbed his face.

“Sorry, sir. It appears that the operation was compromised. I did what I had to do to see it through.” Agent Roll sat on the edge of the spartan chair with his hat in his lap and his back straight.

“No, no. I know you did, son. Hell, it’s not even your fault. It looks like that whole dog and pony show they were putting on was so they could kill Liu Chang and his family to stir up support, or something. You just happened to be in the middle of it.“ The man said. He sat back in his creaking chair and pulled out a cigarette. “Still, job well done, Agent Roll. Job well done.“

Agent Roll nodded his acceptance of the praise.

“Now, for your next assignment. Word is that Kommis Bloc agents are planning to sabotage the Baker’s Games in Neubai.“ The balding man sat up as he briefed Agent Roll.

So much for a vacation. Well, duty calls.