Traitor

When I first meet David, I am instantly charmed by his mischievous smile and intense brown eyes. His wit and humor easily compliment mine, and just like adding the next piece of a puzzle you've been working on, we click.

I’ve been hurt by guys before, but David is different. He cares about me. My friends like him a lot, and they tell me as much very frequently:

"Oh my gosh, you're so lucky to be with him!"

"He's so cute and sweet, Ellie, I'm so jealous!"

"Y'all are sooo cute together! I'm happy for you."

One day he takes me out for a picnic. As we walk through a field of blooming flowers, he gently takes my hand. The warm spring air is full of life: birds singing, a brook rushing by, leaves dancing in the breeze. David has a picnic basket on one arm, and every so often, he looks over at me and smiles. When we reach the big oak tree, he spreads out a blanket and arranges the picnic. There are sandwiches, chips, sliced fruit and vegetables, and more. I can't believe he did all this for me. I kiss him and tell him so. He kisses me back, long and slow and deep, and in that moment I know I've fallen in love with him, and he's the only one for me. When we pull apart, he rests his forehead against mine and whispers, "I love you, Ellie. I promise I'll never let you go."

"I love you, too." I reply. This is all I've ever wanted.

Everything is going well, life is good, and we are happy. I don't notice the change coming over David at first. It starts small – he gets lost in thought, sometimes he doesn't seem to listen when I speak. Then he starts growing more distant more often. If I see him texting someone he quickly closes the thread. I don't understand what's happening, and I try talking to my friends about it.

"David has started acting more distant towards me," I say. "And sometimes it feels like he's trying to hide something from me."

"How bad is it?" Lisa asks. "Do you think he's cheating on you? If he is, you should dump him. But if not, maybe just let it run its course and he'll be fine in no time. He might just be going through something, but you should still talk to him to make sure."

Before I can say any more, Hosanna speaks up.

"Girl, those are definitely red flags. I think he's probably cheating on you, and if you let it go on too long it'll be out of control. He might've been sweet and charming before, but you need to be careful."

"I think boys are a waste of time," Grace says. "You give them your heart, they break it, and then you find someone else and it starts over again."

"But I don't want to break up with him just because of that," I say to Hosanna. "I don't even know for a fact that anything bad is going on. He's a good person, but he's just going through something right now." That excuse sounds flimsy even to me, but it's true. I don't want to break up with David if I can help it. He loves me, and I love him. And I can't be happy without him.

My friends don't believe me and they keep telling me the reasons why I need to be careful and break up with David soon, but I don't listen to them. I can overlook his flaws for love.

One day when I'm out shopping, I decide to step inside a coffee shop for a latte before heading home. I place my order and find a seat by a window. As I sit there drinking coffee and people watching out my window, something catches my eye. A young man is walking by with a beautiful, dark haired girl, and the young man in question looks an awful lot like David. I blink and look again; they're coming closer now. I can see his features more clearly.

I don't want to admit it to myself, but I know it's him. My friends were right. He has someone else. There's a different girl that he loves. My coffee turns bitter in my mouth and I can't drink it any more. I toss the rest of it and walk back home. It hurt to see him with that other girl, but I don't want to confront him about it. If I confront him, he'll leave me for her. While he might not love me anymore, I still love him. And a part of me is still holding on to the irrational hope that it wasn't David I saw out the window.

When I stop by his house on my way home, David isn't there. He doesn't work on Saturdays, so that's more evidence to prove it was him. Once I'm home I take off my shoes and put my purchases in the closet. Then I sit on the floor and cry.

When David comes to see me later, I’ve composed myself and am in the kitchen working on dinner. I've decided not to say anything to him about it. If I do, I'll lose him, and I don't want that. So I keep quiet about what I saw earlier, instead asking about his day.

"It was fine," he says. "I went out just to walk around downtown for a bit, nothing serious. Did you find anything you liked while you were shopping?" The lies fall so easily from his lips. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe he was cheating on me. But I keep my mouth shut about that and try to stay nonchalant.

"I did," I say. "My new things are in the closet. I can show them to you as soon as I get this soup on the stove." He smiles.

"That would be nice," he says. "I'd like that."

"All right, then," I say, forcing a smile onto my face as well. "I'll finish up here and then I'll show you."

He nods, still smiling, and goes into the living room. "I'll wait for you in here," he says. "There's no rush." As soon as he's gone, my smile falls and tears start to burn in my eyes. I blink them away as quickly as I can. I don't want him to be suspicious. I throw myself into cleaning the kitchen and finish in record time. Then I go show him what I bought.

The next several days are each harder than the last to pretend like nothing is wrong and that I don't know what's going on. Especially when he'll come from "work" smelling faintly of another girl's perfume.

He lies to me repeatedly about where he goes or who he meets with, making flimsy excuses about what's going on. One afternoon when he thinks I'm asleep on the couch, I can hear him on the phone with someone. For a brief moment, I want to believe that he's talking to someone else. That maybe I've just been imagining things, and none of this is real. But before that small hope can take flight in my chest, I hear him end the call with three words I only ever thought he'd say to me.

"I love you," he tells whoever is on the phone. I tell myself that maybe he's speaking to a relative, but I know that's a lie and what he says next proves it. "I'll see you tomorrow, all right? ... No, she doesn't know. I don't know when I'm going to end it... Okay. Bye, I love you too."

He hangs up and comes back into the living room. I don't stir as I listen to his muffled footsteps on the carpet. When he lies back down beside me and kisses my cheek softly -- even when he thinks I'm asleep, he pretends to love me -- I keep my eyes closed, feigning sleep, and feel my heart break even more.

I stay the night with David and the next morning, I wake up late. David has already gone, but I find a note from him on the kitchen table.

'I left for work a bit earlier today. Dinner at your place tonight? Help yourself to whatever you want for breakfast.

- David'

He didn't even say 'I love you', I think to myself sadly. I can't deny it anymore. I need to face the facts – I'm losing him. I won't be able to hold onto him much longer, but honestly, do I truly want to hold onto someone who clearly doesn't want to hold onto me?

I don't know.

I don't want to let him go.

I don't want to stay with him knowing he loves another girl.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know.

Back at home, I make myself a cup of coffee and sit at the table to think. When I can't come up with anything on my own, I call Hosanna. She picks up almost instantly.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Ellie," I say. "Do you have a minute to give me some advice?"

"Of course!" She says. "What's up?"

I take a deep breath and tell her everything – how I saw David outside a coffee shop with another girl and realized he had someone else. How I kept it to myself so I could keep him, but now I didn't know if I truly wanted to keep someone who loved someone else.

"Oh, Ellie, I'm so sorry. That must be awful."

We talk for a long time, and she tells me that I should just confront him. "Guys like this are just not trustworthy, and I'm sure you'll find someone else. It won't be the end of the world."

"Thanks, Hosanna. I'll talk to him tonight and let you know how it goes."

Ending the call, I lean back in my chair. I don't want to confront him and risk my chance at a "happy ever after". He might not be the best guy in the world, but I do love him and I want to see the best in him. I want to believe he can change. But deep down, I know Hosanna's right. I need to tell him I know. More than anything, I want to find out why. Why would he cheat on me? I thought he loved me, at least before the other girl, but now I'm not sure he ever did.

That night when David comes over, I confront him.

"So how's the other girl?" I ask when he comes in the door.

He tilts his head, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. "What do you mean?"

I stand up from the couch and cross my arms, trying to be cold and unfeeling. "Don't try to trick me into believing you're innocent, David. I know you're cheating on me. I know you were on the phone with her yesterday, and I know you told her you love her. I want to know why. Why would you do that to me, when you know I love you with all my heart? If you stopped loving me, why would you go see someone else in secret? Why couldn't you just break up with me?" I stop, because I'm afraid if I keep going I'll start crying.

The whole time I talk, he stands there silently looking at me. His stony expression doesn't betray any of his emotions. Then finally he speaks.

"You aren't the one being cheated on," he says.

"What?" I don't understand. "But I overheard that conversation, I saw you with that other girl. How can I not –" And then it hits me. I'm not the one being cheated on because I'm the one he's been cheating with.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want it to go on this long. But I never found the right time and –" I stop him in the middle of his sentence.

"How could you?" I say brokenly. I feel my eyes burning with unshed tears, but I'm determined not to cry in front of him. "How could you? I'm just a distraction, then, is that it? Someone you run to when your girl doesn't cooperate? And what about that conversation? You said 'she doesn't know, I don't know when I'm going to end it.'"

"That was about something else," he says. "I was talking to my mom, it didn't have anything to do with you or my girlfriend." He drags his palm down his face. "I'm sorry I let it go on so long. And I'm sorry that you had to find out. Believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you from this, and I truly do love you. Please, can we start over? I'll break up with my girlfriend, and we can be together forever, just you and me. It's what I always intended to do, and Ellie, if you'll let me, I'll be the best guy you could ever ask for. Please just give me another chance."

I want to give him another chance. I want to believe he can change. I want this so badly it hurts, but I know that what Hosanna said is true: guys like this aren't trustworthy.

"No," I say, and with that one word, a part of me is crushed. "I can't do that, David. I'm sorry." I close my eyes, and a few tears slip out and slide down my cheeks. "Please just leave."

I keep my eyes closed and so I don't see him go, but I hear the door shut behind him. I open my eyes to be sure he's gone, and then I sink to the floor and sob.

My heart is broken, shattered into a million pieces. The boy I love betrayed me. He betrayed me, but not in the way I thought that he had. It doesn't matter. This betrayal is so much worse. I cry and cry until I can hardly breathe, and when I don't have any tears left, I lie in the floor and replay his words in my mind over and over again. You aren't the one being cheated on.

It had hurt to believe that he was cheating on me, but the reality hurts so much more. When I finally get up, a burst of anger comes over me and I take every gift that David's ever given me and I throw them all in the trash. The more fragile gifts break, and a piece of a glass butterfly cuts my hand, but I don't care. The pain of his betrayal is worse than anything physical.

When I've disposed of all his gifts and letters and cards, and the anger has left my body, I go to my bedroom and lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. Why did I have to fall for David? Why did it have to end like this? Why can't I hate him like I so badly want to? Boys really are a waste of time. They're nothing but trouble.

I decide then that I'll never love again. What's the point in giving your heart up only to have it broken over and over and over again? My heart has been broken enough. I thought David might be different. But I was wrong. I'm always wrong. Traitor.