The Problem With Pretending

Pretending that in another lifetime things would have been different is a coping mechanism. If things were meant to be they would’ve been. Yes I do believe it is that simple. If he wanted to he would. If he cared nothing in the world would have stopped him. Given the same circumstances and expecting different results is the classic definition of insanity. It was never the obstacles. It was never the timing. It was simply never destined to happen, and that’s ok.

Alexandria Kiara Montgomery even my name screamed wealth as I suppose was my mother’s intention. I had everything a girl could ever want. Designer handbags, couture dresses, lavish mansions, a soon to be available trust fund, and more friends than the heart could ever desire. From the outside I was pure socialite perfection. I was a young woman unabided by substantial problems. My only worry on a given day was deciding what heels to wear with my dress. I liked it this way. It was far easier than acknowledging the emptiness I felt every waking second since that night.

Wearing my favorite pink dress, matching heels, and holding a bag that was way too expensive to ever be anything more than an accessory, I smiled for the cameras. It was my 22nd birthday. So obviously I had to celebrate. It was an entire day's endeavor. One I would rather not be partaking in, but I had an image to maintain. An image that I had spent years cultivating. So I smiled. I waved, and blew a kiss to the camera.

Sitting down at the table with my closest girl friends my mind drifted in and out of discussion. No one noticed they never did. My mind couldn’t focus on Carolina’s boyfriend of the week, Natalia’s complaints about potentially losing one of her family’s 3 beach houses, or Brittany’s off and on again relationship with her ex boyfriend from high school who happened to be captain of the football team. So instead I smiled and laughed pretending to care while my mind drifted to that night like it so often did.

“Alexandria I hear Nathaniel Vanderbilt is back in town.” Carolina muttered, breaking me from my daydream. Surely I was hearing things. Nate was gone. He was never coming back. Clearly I had one too many glasses of champagne and I was imagining things. Right?

“Nate’s back?” I asked, unable to stop myself from blurting out the question. For a moment I worried my voice had come out staggered giving off the impression that I cared. That would have been a complete disaster. The absolute last thing I needed would be spending my birthday answering questions about Nate Vanderbilt.

“Yea. Word is he’s here for the summer. Some law internship in the district attorney’s office.” Carolina responded, disproving my earlier notions. She and everyone else here clearly hadn’t picked up on anything weird in my earlier question. Good. It’s better this way, I reminded myself. No one can ever know the truth between Nate and I.

“Couldn’t he have gone anywhere else?” I bit back. Everyone knew I hated Nate. I complained about him all the time. He was everything a stereotypical upper-class elite boy stood for. He was pretentious. He was arrogant. He thought he was better than everyone else. I was aware that I was perhaps the worst possible person to judge him for these characteristics, but at least I acknowledged who I was.

Nate pretended he was more than his money. He was always so self righteous and judgmental to my circle. He was a hypocrite. He pretended he was some savior who wanted to make a real difference in the world. It was admirable in a way, but it was hard to take him seriously when he was one of us. He still lived in daddy’s mansion. He still drove an Aston Martin. He was spending the summer working for his dad in the District Attorney’s office for god’s sake. He benefitted from the exact lifestyle he condemned me for living, and it bothered me. I had Nate Vanderbilt completely figured out. His little act was all pretend. As someone who had been pretending her whole life it was easy for me to spot. Birds of a feather I guess the saying goes.

“I’m sorry Alexandria I know you hate him. This isn’t the news you wanted to be hearing for your birthday. Looks like you’ll have to be dealing with him for the summer though, just like old times.” Carolina continued with almost a hint of real sympathy in her voice. It almost felt like sincerity. Perhaps she did actually feel bad lord knows I complained to her about Nate all the time.

“Cheers to old times!” I laughed raising my glass making a toast to the ridiculousness of the situation. I could pretend that I’d never see Nate. It was a big city. I knew that. I could avoid him. I knew that too. But it was always something about him and I where our paths seemed to cross at every inconceivable moment. I wouldn’t lie to myself. I knew I’d run into Nate Vanderbilt eventually, it was simply a matter of time.

“Can I come in?” I asked, knocking at my father’s office door.

“Yes of course sweetheart.” My father responded with his usual soft appreciation. Everyone in my life was pretending, that’s how it was with the elites. My father though he never was. I was lucky. I knew with every fiber in my being that he would do anything for me. I knew he loved me. I knew that he would always put me first. It seemed small. Love is the smallest thing one could ask for from a parent, but with all the superficialness in my life my father was always my favorite person. Mom cared about how I looked for the cameras. My friends cared about the status they gained being seeing with me. The world cared about me like I was some prized barbie doll not a real person. Dad cared about me, the girl under the mask, he cared about Alexandria. He was the only person I suppose ever really knew me. Until that night when I let the man I despised in for a brief moment.

“You are not going to believe who is in town for the summer.” I told my father as he pulled me into a hug and wished me a happy birthday.

“Who, sweetheart?” He asked not bothering to guess which was probably for the best.

“Nate Vanderbilt.” I responded waiting a moment to see my father’s facial expression. I had always complained about Nate to my dad, but for whatever reason the Vanderbilts were the one topic we could never agree on. Nate’s dad and mine were actually good friends once upon a time, and so forth my father’s opinions on the Vanderbilts were jaded.

“Oh? I thought he was gone for good.” My father responded. I still couldn’t seem to read what he was really thinking, and honestly I didn’t have time to psycho analyze him right now.

“Ughh I just can’t believe he’s here, and on my birthday no less. The audacity. I don’t know what it is with Nate. Why can’t he ever seem to stay away from me? Private school for twelve years, then of course he had to follow me to Colombia, and then there was graduation …” I stopped myself too late. I had never told a soul about graduation night. “And now he’s back. Ughhh I hate him.” I finished hoping my father would gloss over the graduation of it all.

“Graduation?” My father asked, ruining my hopes. Of course he would realize. Everyone else glossed over 90% of what I said. No one else picked up on my subtle comments. Everyone else ignored the obvious signs that I wasn’t ok, but never dad.

“It’s nothing.” I replied unconvincingly. It was the single most beautiful night of my life followed by the worst morning I could’ve possibly imagined.

“Alexandria.”

“Really dad it’s nothing.” I whispered barely able to get out the words before my body betrayed me and tears started to run down my eyes. Jesus. I was losing it. I hadn’t cried in months, and here I was crying at the mere mention of a night I had promised to never speak of.

“Alexandria sweetheart it’s ok I’m here.”

“I know. I just. I hate him. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m crying. It’s my birthday. People cry on their birthdays, right? That’s a thing. I just can’t believe he ruined mine.” I rambled not knowing how to stop myself.

“Oh Alexandria. You like him.” My father said the words out loud I had always been terrified of saying. I like him. I liked him. Liked was more fair. There was a moment I had feelings for him. A night in time, but I knew exactly who Nathaniel Vanderbilt was. That next morning confirmed it. I was just a fool for believing that maybe I had been wrong about him.

“I liked … It was a long time ago. It’s not important.” I pleaded, tears still running down my eyes. God I hated that he had this effect on me. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve my tears. He didn’t deserve my feelings. He didn’t deserve to be the only person I ever let in. That I trusted. I hated him. The only person I hated more was me for letting it happen. I knew better.

“Oh Alexandria sweetheart you could have anyone in the world my angel. You can do so much better than someone who’s making you cry.” My father responded, meaning every word. He wasn’t wrong. I could have anyone. I had offer after offer. Men begged for my attention on an almost daily basis, but they weren’t him. And they didn’t want me. They wanted Alexandria Kiara Montgomery the socialite, a girl that in truth never really existed. I wanted the boy who always called me Kiara as some type of insult. I wanted the boy who saw through all my performances. I wanted the boy who asked me the question “If you weren’t Alexandria Kiara Montgomery and instead just Kiara a regular ordinary girl, not that you could ever really be ordinary, what would you have really wanted.” That night I didn’t have an answer to his question. In truth I had never really thought about it. If he asked again I would’ve simply said I wanted him.

“I know dad. I know, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t want anyone else. I wanted him. I wanted him to love me the same way I loved him.” Love. I had never allowed myself to believe it had been Love. I had never been in love before. I had told myself Love was a novel concept, but saying it out loud it felt right. That was the explanation for all of this. The tears. The heartbreak I felt when he disappeared that next morning. The pit in my stomach every time I thought about it. I loved him. “I love you dad, I have to go. I have a party to get ready for.” I smiled and ran out of the room. I didn’t want this party. I didn’t want any of it, but right now I couldn’t think of anything I wanted more than a night of drinking too many margaritas and pretending my life wasn’t completely falling apart at the mere mention of Nate Vanderbilt being back in town.

As I fixed the short black dress and adjusted my pink tiara that would’ve been completely ridiculous if it wasn’t my birthday, I reminded myself tonight was about me not Nate Vanderbilt. I reminded myself the importance of pretending the only feeling I felt for Nate being back was mild annoyance. Being lovesick for Nate Vanderbilt was awful for my image, therefore the feelings were gone. A simple solution. A bandaid on a problem that would surely be rearing its ugly head soon enough. A problem for another day. I had been faking my life for years what was another night.

“Alexandria. Oh my god! You look hot!” Natalia yelled.

“Don’t I always!” I retorted back trying to fake confidence. It worked. It always worked. Girls like Natalia only saw this side of me. The confident fun party girl who had the whole world at her fingertips. It was a role I played well. Sometimes I wished I had friends who saw the deeper struggle I was dealing with inside. Tonight I was thankful for girls like Natalia who would never ask a question more important than what we were drinking.

For the first time all day I was happy. Drinks were flowing. Music was playing. Pictures were being taken. All was right in the world. There wasn’t a single problem to be had. The smile on my face was almost genuine as I danced to the music. Then I saw him, because of course I could never have good things.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. I had just graduated from Columbia, top of my class with a degree in finance I never planned on actually pursuing. It was a weird feeling. I wasn’t happy. I didn’t want to celebrate because in its own way this was my death sentence. After this I would go back home and play socialite. My merits would no longer be important. My brain would no longer be my biggest asset. My life would be resolved to smiling at the cameras because I was so afraid of failure. I would rather hate myself and go back to my cushy life then follow my dreams and that was pathetic. As a result I decided to skip all the graduation parties I typically would have enjoyed. I would apologize to friends tomorrow say I felt sick or some other excuse. That was tomorrow's issue. Right now I couldn’t fathom faking it. All I wanted was to be alone. Then I saw him. The last person I wanted to see. Nate Vanderbilt.

The moment of graduation night played in my head so vividly it was almost like I was there again. “... Alexandria! Alexandria! Alexandria!” My girls yelled breaking me from the spell. I had no idea how long I had been side tracked. I was losing it. Maybe I was hallucinating Nate. He wasn’t actually here. Right?

“Sorry. I must’ve seen a ghost. I thought I saw Nate Vanderbilt.” I responded hoping I was going insane. Insanity was easier to deal with right now than seeing Nate.

“No, it's definitely him.” Carolina yelled. Shit. I couldn’t exactly play scared in front of my girls, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to be near him. How was it on the first night he’s back in town we already run into each other? Did he know I was here? He’d avoided me since that night, and now he decided to show up to my favorite spot on my birthday, and I was supposed to believe it was a coincidence. I think not.

“Come on, let's go say hi.” I yelled making sure all my girls heard me. In truth I would rather have died than walked over to say hi to Nate, but there were some fates far worse than death. At the top of that list being letting a man control my feelings on my damn birthday. He didn’t deserve to ruin my night. So I vowed to not let him. Simple in theory, but in practice was yet to be seen.

“Nate Vanderbilt who would’ve thought. I thought I’d never see you again.” I smiled staring directly into Nate’s magnetic blue eyes.

“Alexandria Kiara Montgomery. It has been a while. Happy Birthday.” He said dead pan. Then whatever god knows possessed him and he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of my palm. Classy.

“Girls I’ll be back in sec. I need a minute alone with Mr. Vanderbilt.” I mocked. My girls left after telling me to try not to kill him jokingly having no idea how strong the urge really was.

There we were surely the only two seniors not celebrating graduation. Just Nate Vanderbilt, and me who would’ve though. Sitting on the park bench next to him I laughed at the ridiculousness of the night. It was the most empty night of my life. I had all the friends a girl could ever ask for. I could’ve been anywhere, and here I was spending the night alone with a boy I hated loathed since elementary school. Wasn’t that ironic.

“I suppose my night wouldn’t be complete without running into you Nate. You could never stay away could you.” I smiled attempting sarcasm.

I didn’t need Nate Vanderbilt. I was more than capable of surviving on my own. I knew that. Things between us didn’t work out for a reason. I let him in, and he disappeared off the face of the earth for whatever inconceivable reason. I knew that if he wanted me he would’ve made it work. I knew that there was no sane reason in believing that just because he was back meant things could be different. The circumstances were the same. I was still terrified of trying to be anything more than a socialite, and he still had that chip on his shoulder telling him he was far better than the other elites. Our union was always doomed. Nothing had changed in our time apart. Nothing was going to change now that we both inhabited the same town again, and still looking into his eyes I wondered if we would have worked in another lifetime."