Longing for my Reason

“Good Morning Handsome”… “Good Morning Handsome”. I’m tempted to play the recording one more time, but I’ve been indulging in this for 25 minutes now and if I continue, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. I sit up, get up and prepare for the day, being forced to skip tasks again to make sure I make it out in time before... they, wake up. Shower, skip. Face, a splash is all it’s getting. Hair, good enough. Coffee, ground and extracting. Lunch, packed. Breakfast, need a mobile meal so I’ll grab an apple before leaving. Uniform, don’t have enough time to change here so packed. Finish coffee, little rosette art in each mug and up stairs on the cabinet they go. Anything else? Oh crap teeth, I’ll bring the brush with me since I’m having breakfast on the road. But there’s something else, oh gosh what is it. I’m starting to panic now, because I know I’ve forgotten something, something important to them, but I just can’t remember. I grab my keys and grab the handle, but before I can pull it down a mug smashes at the side of my head, spraying searing coffee and ceramic shards across the side of my face and shoulder, forcing me to take a sharp breath. “What’s a coffee without the biscuits you fuckin’ IDIOT” I heard her shout from the top of the staircase. I had to hold in my scream of pain, that would only make things worse. “You incompetent little shit I’m gonna-” I snapped the door open and shut before he could finish his threat and ran, pulling my hood over my head and tightened the string which hurt like hell but was better than the sharp, frigid air skidding along the fresh burns and cuts the flat white had inflicted on me.

I finally made it to school, not much better than home to be honest but at least I feel spiritually cleaner. Unfortunately I can’t say the same about physically. The last shower I had was a week ago and lets just say, it cleaned me physically, but covered my soul in so much filth I can still feel it today. But in the moment it felt so worth it to be close to him… I truly am damned to hell. “Hey kid”, “Good Morning Sir!” Mr Foster had come up behind me from his car, holding a stack of mocks for the biology GCSE students. I got up and followed him to the staff entrance since the student entrance wasn’t open yet, it never is this early. Because Mr Foster knew parts of my home situation through a parent/teacher meeting gone askew, he was kind enough to let me in and get ready for my day. “So… want to talk about why you’re here early? Or at least, earlier than usual? I don’t usually find you sitting out there in your PJs.” I think about it for a second. I could tell him the truth, but that wouldn’t do anything except anger THEM. I’ve done it before. Told someone what they did to me once, people came, spoke to them, believed them, and walked away… I was locked away for a month, bare minimum, no school, no outside communication. When I came back, no one really cared. Except 1, But even after I told him, there was nothing he could do to help. “I woke up late this morning and fell out of bed getting up to quick. Sped to get ready and didn’t have time to get changed so I thought I’d just bring clothes with me” I smiled weakly at him. I knew he didn’t believe me, but he knew I wouldn’t tell him the truth. “Aah yeah, sometimes mornings are like that. But you got here, and that all that matters! Now go get ready, you must be freezing standing out in the cold like that” I nod and walk away. I can feel his concerned eyes following me as I walk down the hall to prepare for a day I never wanted to happen.

Finished… finally. Some of the shards went deeper than I thought they had this time but at least the burns were just superficial. Looking at the shards laying in a pile on the counter is making me wonder if it’s still worth it, to keep going back, day… after day… after day… afte-“ADAM!!!” Eric shouted into my ear while simultaneously waving his hand in front of my face. I had zoned out, again. “bro, what are you doing in here” his onyx black hair swished carefully across his forehead, his coffee brown eyes glided from mine to my cheek “oh fuck, what happened to your face? Whoever he was got you GOOD!!” he laughed out, smacking me on the shoulder causing me to flinch slightly but not enough for him to notice. “Yeah, the little shit thought he was such a smart ass and thought lobbing gravel at me made him hard, so I put him in his place. Should have seen him, he’s worse off than I am.” Eric let out a cackle of joy. “I fuckin’ bet” he shouted provocatively. I will say, he maybe be one of the most pined after guys in school, but the only thing that attracts me to him is the fact he keeps me from being a target. If he didn’t do that I wouldn’t be anywhere near him. He hands me a vape, “here, take a puff before we get sent off. Sandra’s waiting just outside for us.” Oh gosh, not Sandra. She’s Erics’ “girlfriends”. I say that sarcastically because its more of a transaction between them, he gets to walk around with a hot girl on his arm (you know, blonde, blue eyes, generic pretty girl) and she gets unlimited access to his uncles credit cards. Unfortunately for me, she latched onto me at the start of secondary. She started making advances once we hit sixth form, and once she had locked down her financial income she started laying it on HARD!! I’m not interested in the slightest, but if I say something I’m scared that she’ll turn Eric and the others on me and I’ll be outcast and all alone and people will actually start picking on me and I’ll be absolutely completely ALONE. I despise myself every time I play this part, but it’s what I have to do to survive my mortal live, even if it damns my mortal soul to hell. Hell can’t be worse than the material plane.“Thanks” I take a small puff “lets head out”.

The days done. Out of one cage and back into the smaller one. Well, not yet. I’m taking as long as I can to make my way back home. I do have a set time to be back to start preparing dinner and drinks for them so I make sure I’m there a minute before the deadline. Arrived at the house, 2 minutes left today. Maybe they’ve gotten over what happened this morning. I insert the key into the lock and push the door open, but nothing happens. I push harder and knock on the door. I’m about to knock once more when a plant pot shatters onto the ground next to me. She has poked her head out the window, giving me a dirty glare. “Piss off you little shit, you left us to clean up the mess you left behind. Go grovel at someone else’s door for a place to sleep tonight,” and slams the window shut. I don’t want to stick around and wait for her to find something else to lob at me, so I head to the only place I might feel safe. Sandra’s home.

“Oh my god ADAM! What are you doing here?” Sandra exclaimed excitedly. “Hey Sandra, I was wondering if I could stay the night? I lost my keys and my parents aren’t home till tomorrow., is that okay?”, “Yes of COURSE!” She said enthusiastically. I walked into her home like I have many times before, and I will never get over how large it is. The open plan living/dining area blending into the kitchen make it look so much larger on the inside than the outside. The white walls and ivory décor also invite these observations, making everything feel clean and pure. “I can’t believe this is only the second time your over!” “Yeah, it’s crazy.”… “Sorry, could I maybe get something else to wear from your brother? This shirt is kill me.” “Oh god do you really? You look so good like this, and I don’t really want to interact with… that today.” For context, Sandra has an older half brother from her fathers first marriage. He is only a year older than her but he’s in our grade for being to quiet in primary, which caused him to be held back a year. There are other reasons why she doesn’t like him, like deep rooted hatred passed down from her mother towards people of colour. She hates her brother and father for this, but tolerates her father because he give her thing she wants and ignores her half-brother. “Please Sandi, I’ll owe you. I can even go grab it myself.” “As long as it’s you going to talk to it, go for it.” she says reluctantly, rolling her eyes. “Thanks Sandra.” I make my way down the familiar hall and realise I hadn’t asked her where his room is. She’s already on her phone, dissociated from the rest of the world so I’m safe this time. I make it to the end of the hall and grab the handle of the left door. I open it without thinking and walk in, but no ones there. I walk towards the dresser and open the pyjama drawer, grabbing the shorts and purple top I’m so used to seeing. I unbutton my shirt and start pulling down my trousers when I hear a knock on the door. I panic and quickly pull they up again and whip around expecting to be ambushed by Sandra but instead I see a man, with dark chocolate skin wrapping around his toned muscles, a towel wrapped around his slender waist. I look into his dark emerald eyes and feel a wave of heat roll over me. After a few seconds, he opens his smooth lips and finally breaks the silence. “Good Evening Handsome.”