Family Christmas

Josh stared out of the window as his train left Runcorn Station and began making its way over the Mersey River, heading towards Liverpool. The morning light struggled to filter through the heavy overcast, turning the sea and sky gray, and blurring the horizon. Josh had spent the past couple hours listening to Mariah Carey, Ariana Grande, and every other festive song, trying to feel anything other than gray and dreary. It was December 24th and this was not his original plan. He was supposed to be in his hometown, Abingdon, just south of Oxford, celebrating Christmas with his family like he did every year. His mum had been calling him frantically since eight-o-clock in the morning, calling back each time he hung up without answering, until she gave up at about half past eight. He really didn’t want to listen to her excuses, it would only make him feel worse. Besides, he had left a note, she knew why he had left, and Josh didn’t want to have to defend his decision anymore than he already had in writing.

As the train rolled in to Liverpool South Parkway Station, Josh turned off his music for the first time since he left his family’s house at six that morning, giving up on the hope that it would eventually help brighten his mood. The station was bustling with families and couples all making their way home just in time for Christmas Eve, and Josh couldn’t help the envy that swirled through him, chilling him from the inside. Thankful for the covered station that protected him from the damp cold outside, Josh made his way through the chattering, joyous, and somewhat anxious crowd and across the station to the train that would take him further north to Will’s hometown, Ormskirk.

It was five minutes into the ride north when Josh realized that the music had actually been helpful by keeping him from dwelling too much on the events of the previous night. He had been expecting the couple days he was back home for the holidays to play out the way they always did, uncomfortable silences, his father attempting to make small talk about the stock market, and the elephant in the room sat in Josh’s chair being ignored for the sixth year in a row. He had not been expecting his little brother, Aaron, to show up with his girlfriend, Katie. Aaron had been likewise confused that Josh wasn’t aware of this change in the status quo. For most people this may not be that big of a deal, but since Aaron had confirmed that their parents had enthusiastically invited Katie, something they hadn’t done for Will since Josh came out to them, it hurt more than Josh expected it to. Thinking about it on the train was not a good idea as Josh’s eyes began to burn as the emotions bubbled up from his chest into his throat. It was too late to prevent it, however; the tears began to fall before Josh could get a hold over his emotions. He hadn’t cried the previous night, he had been too angry. He knew he had to let the emotions out at some point, but he had really hoped that he could hold out until he was in Will’s bedroom, alone; he knew Will and his family would grant him that privacy. There was no privacy on the train, Josh was sat by himself, but the couple across the aisle was giving him uncomfortable looks as a sob escaped his throat. He was aware of how pathetic he must look, crying alone on Christmas Eve.

After what felt like an eternity, but according to Josh’s ticket and phone was less than an hour, the train slowed into the Ormskirk station. The tears had slowed down his face and his eyelids felt heavy, but Josh pulled himself out of his seat, grabbed his suitcase and backpack, and stepped out onto the platform. The weather had turned from gray and damp, to gray and wet, rain coming down in sheets, almost horizontally in the harsh wind. Josh hadn’t packed anything waterproof as the forecast in Abingdon was for sun, and it was supposed to stop raining in Ormskirk before he was meant to arrive to visit Will’s family on Boxing Day. The fifteen minute walk from the station to Will’s parent’s house was horrid. The rain and wind stung against Josh’s face, soaking through his nice, warm jacket and thin sweater, and wetting him to the bone. He could barely keep his eyes open due to the force of the wind and rain, seeing only flashes of the washed-out colours and shapes that were what was left to see of Ormskirk Town in the torrential downpour.

By the time Josh got to the Kipling family home and knocked on the front door, he looked more drenched bog creature than human. Margaret Kipling, Will’s mother, answered the door in a green cocktail dress and apron. Clearly partway through making Christmas dinner and already dressed up.

“Oh dear, you’re soaked! Come in, come in,” she beckoned, Josh hastily apologising as he began dripping all over the floorboards. “Oh, don’t worry about that dear, we’ll just get some towels. David!” She called into the lounge, “Towels for the front, please, and an extra one for Joshua’s hair,” she turned to Josh and said, “unless you were hoping to take a shower straight away?”

“Uh, that would be great, if you don’t mind.” He had pulled his boots off and was now carefully taking his coat off and placing it on an empty hook. He could hear the sounds of Sonia, Will’s niece, playing in the lounge with her parents. The smell of pie crust wafted through the air, and Josh immediately felt at home.

“Of course not,” Margaret said as she and Josh stepped aside for David, Will’s father, to place towels on the floor where Josh had dripped on the floor around the front mat. Margaret frowned, “William! Joshua’s here!” she called up the stairs, sighing as she smiled at Josh, “William has been puttering around all morning waiting for you, of course now is when he decides to disappear.” Josh gave her a small smile back, unsure what to say, emotions close to bubbling over again.

Josh heard a rush of feet down the stairs and then Will appeared around the corner looking so cozy with his fuzzy blue jumper, messy blond hair, and glasses askew, “Sorry, sorry, was working on a thing for, that doesn’t matter, sorry, how are you?” he rushed this all out while looking at Josh with concern in his eyes.

“Um, wet.” Josh replied, awkward and deadpan due to the concerned attention being paid to him by Will and his mother. He was grateful that David had just patted him on the shoulder before returning to the lounge.

“Oh, yeah, I can see that, do you need a towel, or-”

“I was actually just going to jump in the shower to wash the chill out,” Josh interrupted Will’s anxious ramblings.

“Okay, I’ll be in my room finishing up an email, come in when you’re done.”

Josh nodded and grabbed his bags, trying to drip as little as possible over the wood or the carpet, or anywhere really. Will offered to take them up to his room, so Josh took what he needed once they got upstairs (thankfully the suitcase was waterproof, so none of his other clothes were wet) and went into the bathroom to shower.

Once he was successfully warmed, washed, and wearing dry clothes, Josh slipped into Will’s childhood bedroom where he stayed every time he slept over at the Kipling family home. Will was sat on his bed, legs outstretched, and laptop open. The bedroom was a familiar space as Will had still been living with his parents when they first met in 2011, the memories that it brought back were strong and slightly destabilizing. Will looked up when Josh walked in, putting his laptop down, and getting off the bed, he pulled Josh into a tight embrace. For the second time that morning Josh’s emotions overtook him and he began to weep into Will’s fuzzy jumper. The strange decorating choices Will had made as a child coupled with them here, now, as adults in their thirties, made the tears fall faster down Josh’s face as a deep ache settled in his chest. They stood like that for awhile, Josh’s face in the space between Will’s shoulder and neck, and Will rubbing Josh’s back as he cried silently. Finally, Josh broke the silence, apologising into Will’s shoulder.

“Don’t apologize, bear. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I got your sweater wet,” Josh said as he pulled back.

Will just smiled softly at him and wiped the tears from his face, “That’s alright, it’ll dry.”

“Love you,” Josh mumbled as he pressed a kiss to Will’s lips.

“Love you too,” Will replied softly as they pulled apart.

“Should we go downstairs?” Josh asked, turning head back to look at the door.

“Only if you want to, they’ll understand if you need more time,” Will replied.

“Maybe we can just stay here a bit longer,” Josh said, somewhat sheepishly.

Will nodded and sat back down on the bed, closed his laptop and placed it on the nightstand. He scooted over so Josh could sit beside him and pat the spot next to him smiling widely at Josh to sit down. Josh huffed and rolled his eyes with a smile. Will never failed to make him feel better.

“Oh, actually, I’ve got something for you,” Josh said suddenly, remembering. He grabbed his now damp backpack and unzipped it.

Will raised his eyebrows, “Oooh, is it some of Grandma Rosie’s Christmas cookies?”

“You know it, I stole some before I left,” Josh replied with a smirk.

Josh sat down and pulled out a slightly damp Tupperware container full of snowflake shaped Christmas cookies and handed it to Will. He frowned into the bag as Will excitedly opened the container and dug into a snowflake.

“What the…” Josh pulled out an envelope that had been saved from the rain by the cookies, but that he hadn’t put in himself.

“What’s that?” Will mumbled around a mouthful of cookie.

“I have no idea,” Josh responded, a bit wary. He flipped the envelope over and found his name written in his grandmother’s writing.

For Joshua

Hands shaking Josh opened the envelope and pulled out both a letter and a small cloth bag. Setting the cloth bag aside, he unfolded the letter and began to read,

Dear Joshua,

I am so sorry for the events of last night, and that I did not stand up for you more. I want you to know that you and William are always welcome in my home, regardless of what your parents feel. I am so happy that you have found someone who makes you happy and that you are doing better; it has been so difficult watching you struggle with who you are and what you want to be. I am endlessly proud of the work you do, though it is not what your father expected from you, I believe it is so much more valuable. I hope that whenever you do decide to tie the knot, I can be there to celebrate with you, even if your parents aren’t, though I understand if you don’t want any of us there. I have included the ring your grandfather gave me with this letter, I hope that even if it is too “flashy” for William to wear on his finger that you will both treasure it regardless.

All my love,

Grandma Rosie

Tears began to fall on the page as Josh read; when he got to the end, he gingerly placed the letter and envelope down on the bed and looked at the pouch in his hand. The faint outline of a ring pressed against the cloth as Josh ran his fingers across it. He turned to look at Will who was eyeing him cautiously.

“Is it… Are you okay?” Will asked.

“Yeah, yeah, it, it was from Grandma Rosie, she’s given me her engagement ring to give to you,” Josh replied quietly. “I know we said we didn’t want engagement rings, and its not like you have to wear it on your ring finger or anything, but…” He stopped as Will looked at him with a soft smile and wet eyes.

“Of course I’ll wear it,” Will said. “Though I suppose that does mean we’ll actually have to start planning a wedding now.”

“I think we’ve put it off long enough,” Josh said.

Will smiled, “what did she say in the letter?” Josh handed him the tear-stained page and watched as he read it. When he had finished Will pressed a kiss to Josh’s forehead, “that’s great, bear, it will be wonderful to have her there.”

Josh smiled and tucked himself into Will’s side. A warm feeling had settled in his chest. He could hear Will’s parents, sister, brother-in-law, and niece all chattering away happily downstairs, as well as the rain still rapping against the window and side of the house. The dim light of the room with the curtain open and all the lights off warmed him almost as much as Will’s arm round his shoulders. Ever since he could remember Josh never truly felt at home with his family, now he could say, truthfully, that he did, though the family had changed. And for the first time since he was a little kid Josh found himself looking forward to Christmas.