Devoid of Use

184 Days

I’m making this video diary should anything happen to me. Today I’m officially 6 months from my effusion date.

If I cannot conceive by my fortieth birthday, I’ll be released from the colony, into the unknown darkness surrounding us.

Kat’s effusion date’s approaching as well. She’s begging I join the Resistance, but the risk’s great. If caught, the Panel can decide our effusion date.

So far, they’ve completed seventeen early effusions for rebels they’ve caught or suspected.

Kat tells me the Assembly of Mothers told the Panel the injections are flawed, their viability compromised. It’s why we’re seeing conception failures the last twenty-nine months. They’ve pleaded for us to return to alternatives used on Old Earth, before the Great Flee occurred.

Our race will die if we don’t reestablish primordial conceivance tactics. The Panel refuses. Any Old Earth activities are destructive to humanity, civilization, and our long-standing non-partnered society.

So, the Resistance’s moving forward, recruiting.

The Panel Prime, who charted the Great Flee when the oceans receded and wars were more common than sunrise, ordered procreation via injection only. Partnered societies led to jealousy, envy, want, hate, deceit, mental health crisis, disease, crime, and ultimately war. Without forming attachments, destructive emotions are ceased and society can focus on beneficial tasks. Work and survival the only concern. We maintain evolving food sources for our colony, eradicated disease since there’s no underlying desire to save a “loved one” as Old Earth called them or seek wealth to stand out.

I’m still not clear on how the Panel Prime mastered the shift, that was several centuries ago. I’ve asked Kat for more information.

The risk is great to join, but my risk if I don’t hold the same weight and it’s fast approaching. I fear by asking, I’m at risk for discovery. I fear if I’ve risked an early effusion with my curiosity.

176 Days

Kat says the Resistance has been successful at reclaiming some emotions that have been dulled in our society. They found a way to reverse engineer the Ordained Emotion elixirs and an old text from another colony, also leading a Resistance, on all conceivance tactics, what they call “natural” to “assisted” or “artificial.” I’ve just begun to study the brief text she secured for me.

With our conceivance injections failing, more Lower Mothers are being effused, deemed devoid of use for missing their deadline date. More of our aging Lower Mothers are being injected as soon as they produce so our population remains steady.

Our oldest Lowest Mother conceived her first new Contributor one week before her birthday. Which gives me hope. She’s produced Contributors for eighteen years.

If I can have one successful conceivance, I secure my place in society until my natural effusion date arrives. Once Lower Mothers no longer produce, they’re reassigned until their natural effusion date. This is my hope because all of my injections, longer than I can bear to remember anymore, have failed.

I don’t really want to be a Contributor caregiver, but I’d prefer it to early effusion. It wouldn’t be unbearable to see them to assignment age and their Contributor ceremony, releasing them to begin contributing to injections and partaking in them.

I’d rather continue my role as handler for our animalia guards during exploration missions. I’m one of the few female handlers.

I’m considering joining Resistance, but not sure. They want to attempt one conceivance soon. If successful, they’ll effuse the Panel and resume the old ways before our numbers decline further. The risk’s immense. I agreed to study the material more and give my answer soon.

165 Days

The Panel found a stash of Resistance material. Kat assures me it’s unimportant. Their numbers are growing. When she told me about some who’ve have joined, I was astonished. There are some high-ranking officers.

Two more women were deemed devoid of use today and effused. The halls are somber. I knew the women, but only in passing. Their loss still flattens my heart today, my mood muted. It’s such a waste to lose members when we need to sustain our colony. One woman’s cries reverberated through the halls. Her pleas for more time still ricocheting in my mind. I can’t silence them. Its unfair. Some women produce well into their sixties, some as early as seventeen. It’s unfair they’re so secure here while others so unlucky. Kat says that’s why the Resistance’s so important. No one’s devoid of use because they cannot conceive. There are plenty of assignments they’d be serviceable for. I’ve asked her why forty’s the date of decision. She said despite the Panel’s disdain for all Old Earth’s ways, they neglect to realize they brought old notions centuries across the galaxy. While we’ve eradicated most Old Earth diseases and improved longevity for our population against some aging processes, the consensus remains that if a woman hasn’t conceived by forty, she’s inherently defective and carries too many Old Earth traits in her to be fit for the colony’s goals.

This filled my veins with lead. I don’t see Kat or myself as defective or unfit for this colony. We hold two elite assignments for women as handlers. How can we manage to execute our duties flawlessly and be defective? What traits poisoned our bodies to prevent conceiving?

If women can produce into their sixties, what’s the harm in allowing everyone to continue receiving injections through the same age?

Listening to the woman’s entreaties throughout the corridor and now repeating in my mind, I think I understand what Kat means when she says the Resistance is important.

158 Days

I must be careful with how often I record. I fear it will be found if I slip away too often to do so. Today is short. I’m being deployed on an exploration assignment. I won’t be able to record on the assignment. There is nowhere to safely hide it. We’re exploring a new moon, hopeful it can sustain an encampment and eventual settlement. We will be gone one month.

I’m afraid not to record, I sensed someone following me to the archives today. I go there to read and be alone with my thoughts. I’ve used it to also study the material Kat gave me. I’m always carful to hide the documents, but I couldn’t shake the unease of unwanted eyes lingering over me.

Kat said a man who believes he’s suspected of joining the Resistance has gathered lab data and materials for them in case he is seized and effused soon. Someone had rifled through his desk in the medical ward, and his bunk had the unmistakable aura of an unwanted presence as if someone had slipped in. He couldn’t find anything disturbed, but there was a faint foreign scent whispering in the room and overpowering sense of being just vacated.

I pray my recorded remains secreted safely while I’m away. Kat will be with me on this deployment, so I don’t have a failsafe for guarding it. We must take our injections still so I’m hoping I can conceal it in my kit. I won’t be able to use it since we’ll be in open pod barracks, but at least it won’t be left behind. I believe I’ve confirmed how to adjust the bottom rack to inter it.

128 Days

We’ve returned from deployment. I was successful at concealing this recorder for the exploration. I cannot express the relief I felt that it was traveling with me. I was worried about it being discovered while I was on mission, but given it’s location, it was protected from searches commanders routinely did in their efforts to flush out Resistance members. The injections are still failing. For everyone. Given their frailty, they are safe from any inspection for fear of damaging a potential successful dose. I’m quite proud of my ingenuity for considering it for my hiding spot. Kat knows about it. She said that’s why they need me. They need my resourcefulness and cunning. That swelled my chest. I’ve been feeling disheartened with the looming approaching of my date and lack of successful conception. You hear it enough, the defective conjecture begins to take root in your veins and strangle your soul.

I few times I felt the same unwanted gaze while Bubbi and I were scouting our quadrant of the new moon. He’s a wonderful canine explorer. Use of their abilities is one Old Earth practice I’m glad the Panel Prime deemed acceptable for the New Venture. They discover useful and dangerous scenarios and foreign objects. Many of our exploration deployments have been successful due to their skillset. I didn’t see anyone near us, our quadrant was on the farthest edge of the grid-map. Yet, Bubbi sensed the uninvited visitor as well. He never alerted that it was a foreign being or object. Instead, he consistently alerted it was a fellow human occupant invading our quad. I know now someone is watching me. I fear they are watching Kat too. With her involvement in the Resistance, I fear every morning her name will be on the list of suspects or captures to be effused. I cannot tell her this. I need her on guard for herself, not worried about my fears.

I did tell her what Bubbi alerted to and that she needed vigilant of her surroundings and who frequented her company or locations. She was thankful for my concern and for my advance warning. She trusts Bubbi as much as I do. Her canine, Chubblee if new to his post and she’s still onboarding him. She’s requesting she and Chubblee be partnered with us outside of deployment prep hours so we can onboard him faster. I pray the Panel grants her request until we know who’s been tailing me and why.

We returned to devastating news. Another fourteen Resistance members were seized. Most have been effused. We never got to say goodbye to those we knew. Some are still pending their dates, but rumor is, they’ll take place soon. Six of those effused already were caught corresponding with another colony that’s reverted back to partnerships. Their colony is thriving despite such archaic practices. They were also caught with a passkey to alter colony member’s data in an attempt to offset effusion dates. The lacked the other two keys, but now the Panel is searching our pods twice a day to locate them. Kat said rumor is, duplicates of all the passkeys were made, no one knows the exact number made. So the plan will continue to alter dates for those approaching in the coming months. She assured me she’s given my name as one that must be altered. They’re delaying another attempt until Resistance members inside records confirms if passkeys were altered or security measures tightened. So far, they don’t believe so. Since no other passkeys have been found, the Panel arrogantly believes they caught the infraction before others could be made. They’ll continue searching a little longer, but Kat says allies in the Guard have heard talk of discontinuing them in the next few weeks.

114 Days

My companion SamLo and I were in our bi-monthly assessments today for our injections. These days are long and tedious and always flatten my mood. They leave a suffocating haze surrounding me for days. Being reminded of my failures, being scrutinized like one of the moon artifacts we return with from deployments makes me feel unwashed, unworthy, incomplete. The Medicus always ask our routine, our diet, our sleep cycle, even what we occupy our mind with as if searching for the one inadequacy we’re doing to cause this or the one ill-fitting trait we have or practice that confirms we carry a poison. They’re stressful days. They’re crushing days. They’re deflating days. After, I feel poisoned, defective. I fear they’ll decide its not worth waiting for my birthday and deem me devoid of use. I want to stay in my pod in darkness and stillness. I want to scream at all the women who don’t have to go through these assessments. I want to know why I do.

Those are the days Bubbi commits to my side and forces me to pull myself up, turn up the light, and move through the corridors to the atrium to watch the galaxy float by.

SamLo shares my discontent. She’s been a companion since our days in the Contributor sector. She too wishes we weren’t pressured to conceive and could just contribute in our own way. She also holds a high-level assignment for women in the Assignments Office. She’s in charge of evaluating all Contributors for their assignments as well as for older resident’s reassignments after they complete their replacement courses.

100 Days

Bubbie and I were in our “extension” training with Chubblee and Kat. Bubbi alerted to an unwanted follower. We caught sight of someone rushing from the Archive when we confronted the section Bubbi hit on. So it’s confirmed. We are being watched. I fear I’ve become a suspect in the Resistance despite not committing yet. Everyday more suspects are confirmed, awaiting effusion. Every day, I get closer to my own demise.

The searches for the passkeys have stopped. Kat says they will adjust records in the coming weeks. They are waiting to confirm it is not a trap.

My injections aren’t even registering now. The Medicus is sure I’m doing something to invalidate their potency. His comments today had instilled a greater fear. What if they believe because my injections aren’t working, that I’m purposely sabotaging them and decide me to be unfaithful to the colony, to be pledged to the Resistance that way? Deemed a traitor. Deemed devoid.

Bubbi knew the distress this caused. He lay across my chest the remainder of the day after my impromptu assessment. But unlike his usual locked in gaze, he faced away. Faced my pod door, eyes locked as if waiting for it to open with an uninvited visitor. I think he knows someone’s keeping a closer eye on me and he’s distrustful of anyone who frequents our company too often.

89 Days

SamLo delivered devastating news today. She suspects she will be imprisoned as a suspect soon. I couldn’t hide my shock when she admitted to be an outside ally to the Resistance. She hasn’t fully joined them, but she hasn’t been opposed to assisting them either. She has gathered a list of the suspects who will soon be seized for treason, members of the Resistance and those on watchlists. With her job in Assignments, she has access to records. She hastily pulled the lists in case she is seized soon. She’s not listed, and she wouldn’t say how she knew, only that she knew she was doomed to be seized soon and she wanted her last act to be one of warning. The resistance will have to react soon if they plan to overthrow the Panel. Too many are being seized, and too many women are being deemed devoid. Two women were even deemed devoid early, which made my heart lodge in between my ribcage where I couldn’t breathe for several moments. Early. They were months from their fortieth, but the Medicus accused them, as I’ve feared, of sabotaging their injections. The Panel approved their effusion be fast-tracked.

That wasn’t the worst of it. She confirmed I’m on the watchlist. Kat. My dear Kat, is on the seizure list.

I’m now limiting my time out of my pod to just my assignment work and barring the door. I empty my drawers at night in front of it so that I may have a second more of notice.

64 Days

Today my heart’s pulverized. SamLo was seized. She didn’t even get a waiting period. The Panel ordered her effusion tonight. So many have been seized. I was allowed to walk with her to the effusion chamber. Once she was prepped for her journey, I was allowed to sit with her and at her request, be in the observation pod as they released her. I cannot say more. I cannot bear it.

One thing I can say: I officially joined the Resistance. I will personally attend the attack to seize the Panel. And I will watch every last one of them be released. If they would let me give them a helping shove, I would.

41 Days

Kat confirmed they altered many birthdays. Mine was one. For now, until the deception is discovered, I’m safe. It’s some comfort. But I am too full of rage to feel like celebrating. Our date’s set. We seize the Panel soon.

15 Days

I received confirmation today. It appears an injection has been successful. I should feel overjoyed at my safety. It just fuels my rage. I won’t have this being for them. I’ll have it because a prayer was finally answered. It won’t be raised in the Contributor center. It’ll be raised by me and Bubbi. Its name will be SamLo.

9 Days

We seized the Panel last night. Their reign over. A new era is dawning.

And I’m sitting in the observation room now. Their pleas similar to all the women’s that have been on repeat in my head for months. I’m waiting. Waiting to give that long-awaited shove.

Dedicated In Memory of

The Perfect King. Who lived virtuously, courageously, and loved truly unconditionally. Whose servant’s heart destined him for medical service. My soulmate.

He was love in its purest form,

The bravest Knight I ever knew,

An unmatched Sasquatch hunter.

Love is being owned by a poodle,

Especially one named Ditto.

His story is the greatest ever told.

For my service dog, Sir Didymus Ditto Mehaffey whom Heaven reclaimed April 28, 2026 following a battle with CKD and a brainstem tumor after more than fourteen years of dedication.

He was my first born since conceiving wasn’t a blessing for me.

He made me a mom when my body said no, I was devoid of use.

He made me a mom despite society’s notion of what motherhood should be.