A cold Winter evening in an Attic.

CW: Child abuse, mental health

Snowflakes fell. A new moon enveloped the world in darkness. The snow crunched under my feet. . My eyes watered , feet numb, I felt like an ice cube. I lugged my aching body up the driveway, my goal in sight. In the driveway was my dad's semi-truck. He was home, oh crap.

My feet numb, my hands shoved in my pockets, I was to damn cold to run. Trembling I forced my hands to turn the doorknob. Great, it was not locked.

Silence, darkness, I removed my tennis shoes and spring jacket. Weak heat barely removed the chill. Dim light came from the dining room. I shook my hands and feet, pain, good no frost bite.

I crept down the hall and glanced at the dinner table. It was set for dinner. My dad, mom brother and sister sat starring at emtry plates, drinking glasses and silverware. Oh crap. I put on my neutral face, stopped the shaking of my body and entered.

"It's about time you got here," mocked my father.

I passively starred at the orange carpet.

"Your late! What's your excuse this time?" He grumbled.

"I missed the bus."

"Excuses, Honey could you serve dinner." He ordered.

My mom pushed herself up from the table. She waddled to the counter and filled a plate heaping with food. She gave it to my father. She served my brother huge portions. She served herself half portions and my sister barely enough food to feed an infant.

I stood on the heat vent, allowing heated air to go up my pant leg. I sniffed sterile air, the only sound the clicking of silverware.

"Sue,"ordered my father, " go to your room.

She walked passed me, giving me the evil eye.

What a jerk. Sending her to bed early and hungry.

"Now you clean this mess up. Next time get a ride." My dad shook his head.

"Yes" I answered in a steady voice. I kept my head down.

Silently, they went to the living room. The TV blared Jeopardy music. I heard my dad snoring. Oh joy. I drank a glass of milk. I devoured leftovers, licking the plates clean. I washed the dishes and table as fast as possible. I stole a sandwich and crept upstairs to my bedroom.

Sue was huddled on her bed, wrapped in blankets. I handed her the sandwich. Hands trembling, she tore the sandwich into small pieces and ate it.

"We can still get a beating," I whispered.

She hiccuped, "jerks it's freezing in here."

"I'm sleeping in the attic. Want to join me? " I replied. It was safer in the attic. My mother could not climb the ladder.

"It's to damn cold up there."

"It's cold here, they closed the heat vents. We can huddle together. The attic door locks."

"Why do they hate us so much? I hate living here. I hate them."

I did not have an answer. I collected my sheets, pillow and blanket. I signaled to Sue to follow me. I tip toed to the hallway closet and grabbed an armful of blankets. Then slowly, cautiously pulled down the attic ladder. Fridge air seeped downward.

Like criminals we slinked up the ladder. We entered the attic. It was a rectangle room with wooden floors and slanted ceiling. There was a musty sofa in front of a window. I pulled up the ladder and locked the door, safe.

I looked at Sue, her blond hair and long thin face. She was so skinny. We moved to the sofa, managed not to creak any floor boards. We sat on the sofa and wrapped ourselves in blankets, sharing body heat. I looked out the window. Snowflakes floated in the streetlight. Darkness enveloped the night.

"This sucks." Sue whispered, "I wish we could get out of here."

"How? The cops will stop us, your 14, I'm 15."

"Damn the cops, damn our parents, damn em all." Her body shook like a gale wind.

"Shoo, I heard someone coming up the stairs."

A door opened and shut. Drawers opened and closed. A bed creaked. It came from my brother's room. He was in bed.

I heard the stairs groaning for mercy, slow steady steps, heavy breathing. My mother ascended the stairs. She stopped in front of our bedroom. I held my breath. No please no, go to your own room. The floor creaked, foot steps entered my parent's room. Door slammed. Drawers opened and closed. Sheets rustled, bed squeaked. A sigh, then silence. She was in bed stay there.

My dad would sleep on the cough.

I hugged my sister. I felt her ribs under sagging skin. She was hot. Her clothes sticky, drenched in sweat.

"What's wrong with you?" I whispered.

"Don't know, feel horrid. Just dizzy, head hurts, mom will not let me eat." She coughed.

"Shoo their in bed."

"I hate them."

"I know. Ok I'm getting you an ambulance."

"How?"

"You wait here. I have a plan."

"What?"

"Just wait! When the ambulance gets here, make sure your in it."

I crept downstairs to the phone. My father snored on the cough. I crossed my fingers, hoping, he would stay asleep. I carried the hot pink princess phone to the bathroom. Locked the door, dailed 0 for operator.

"Operator, how may I help you?"

"Emergency need an ambulance."

"You are located at 100 east Elm street, Jamestown. "

"Yes."

"Who's being picked up?"

"My sister Sue, she is very sick, unable to eat, losing weight."

"An ambulance will be there in 30 minutes."

Knock knock, "who's in there," demanded my dad.

"It's just me."

"Who are you talking to? Why is the phone in there? Open up this door." My dad pounded on the door.

"Help me, please." I screamed. The door shook.

The operator replied, " the police have been notified."

"Open this door now. Crack." The door split.

"Oh no no no!" I dropped the phone. Window the window, opened it, pushed the screen out and crawled thru. I feel in a snowdrift. My dad's head poked out the window.

"You bitch." He glared at me, hand shaking.

I ran.

In the street all the houses were dark. I ran to the old nag's house. The elderly women who hated everything. I slammed into her door screaming. " fire, fire, fire open the door."

The porch light turned on. "I'll call the police. " Squeaked the old women.

"Yes, yes call them, call the police, fire, fire."

A hand grabbed my shoulder, it turned me around my father. "You bitch, shut up."

I bite him , shoved him, ran. "Fire, fire, fire, police."

Porch lights blinded me. Dogs barked. Breathing heavy , hid behind a bush. My dad was talking to the old lady. Where were the cops the ambulance?

House lights turned off. Dogs quieted. My dad walked across the street. No help. I walked over to the old ladies house and broke in. She was sitting in her kitchen. Eyes wide, hands shaking, she threw a tea cup at me.

"You missed. Where is the phone?

She pointed at the phone. I picked up the phone, dialed 0. I handed the phone to her.

"Now get an ambulance, the cops or the FBI." I demanded.

Hands shaking, crying, she stepped away from me.

"Hello is this the operator?"

"Yes, how can I help you?"

"I called for an ambulance for 100 Elm street, Jamestown when will it be here?"

"That call was canceled."

"Why?"

"It was a prank call."

The old women grabbed the phone."this hoodlum broke into my home. She is barefoot, no jacket and a man chasing her called her a bitch."

The old women listened.

"Yes police and an ambulance, hurry."

She dropped the phone. She backed away from me. "The police will arrest you." She hissed.

"Thank you. If my sister gets an ambulance, I'll go to jail.

We starred at each other, waiting. After an eternity there was a knock on the door. ."police" said a women's voice.

"Come in" begged the old women.

Two cops, carrying guns and handcuffs, strutted into the kitchen.

The old bitty pointed at me."that hoodlum broke into my house. Arrest her."

"Where is the ambulance?"

The cops nodded at each other. A tall black male cop stepped in front of me. "Step into the next room." He ordered.

I obeyed. He pulled out the handcuffs, reached for my wrist. I threw a statue of Mary at him. I jumped over a cough and ran out the door. I sprinted across the street., to the dark silent house. Damn it the door was locked. I broke a pane of glass, blood dripped from my wrist. I opened the door. The cop chased me.

"Catch me if you can." I ran up the stairs to the attic.

"What the hell is going on?" Yelled my dad.

The cop was right behind me. He entered the attic. he approached the sofa. I was holding Sue. She was silent. Her head and arms hung. Her chest still.

"I'm so sorry. Fuck you, you damn cop. Fuck everyone."

I lay Sue down, onto the urine soaked musty sofa. I broke the window, jumped out. I hit my head.

My mother screamed.

"She broke her neck?" A female vice mumbled.

"No pulse" exclaimed a male voice. "The other one upstairs looks like a skeleton, this one a suicide. The family is praying to God to forgive their disobedience daughters?" Stated a tired male voice.

Silence, shades of grey, no pain. Sue tapped my shoulder. Smiling she hugged me. "You did it. We escaped."