No More Pretending

No More Pretending

Jake leaned back in his chair, the dim light catching the gold in his hair. “You know, for someone who can’t stop saying how much they want to leave work, you sure stick around for after-work drinks.”

I smirked, swirling the wine in my glass. “Maybe I just need a drink after a long day.”

He raised his eyebrows, his classic teasing spark shining in his eyes. “Uh-huh. Or maybe, you just like the company.”

I rolled my eyes, but a smile involuntarily tugged at my lips. “Don’t flatter yourself, Jacob.”

“Oh, I don’t need to. You do that for me.”

I laughed, my hand flying up to cover my mouth. He could always make me laugh like no one else could. it wasn’t even what he said- it was how he said it.

The terrace buzzed with conversation, music lightly humming in the background. A few of our co-workers sat a couple tables away, sneaking occasional glances our way, whispering to each other. I’d heard the comments before- There’s something going on between them, they don’t hide it very well, they should just get together already. I laugh and say nothing. It’s always easier that way.

The truth is… maybe they’re not wrong.

Here, in the red glow of the terrace heater, I could almost admit it to myself without the guilt I usually feel pressing down on my chest. Almost.

Jake leaned forward, the sweet scent of his aftershave tickling my nose. “You have the best smile. It’s… I don’t know. It makes the whole room brighter.”

I felt my face flush. He said things like that sometimes- little things that sounded casual but weren’t. Subtle confessions dressed up as jokes. I always deflected and laughed it off.

“Shut up,” I laughed, taking a sip of my wine.

He sat back, “I’m serious,” he said, amused by my disregard.

“Stop flirting with me,” I laughed. I made the joke a million times and we’d always laugh it off but, something about his expression was different.

“It’s not my fault I fancy you,” His faced seemed serious, he said it so softly, I almost didn’t hear him.

He’d never said that before. I took a quick sip, trying to do anything to strip the focus from the fact I’m pretending not to notice the weight of his words. It was safer that way.

Jake leaned forward again, elbows on the table. “How’s Ethan?”

“Huh?” I snapped out of my daze.

“You’re boyfriend. You know, the man I don’t like.” He’d bought him up a lot more recently like he had some ulterior motive. He sighed and sat back. “You deserve better; you know that?”

“Please, don’t,” I said quietly.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t talk about him like that.”

“I’m not,” he said, defensive as if the sharpness of my tone hurt him. “I’m talking about you. You’re unhappy, and you pretend you’re not. You always defend him like he’s done nothing wrong.”

My jaw tightened. “You don’t know everything, Jake.”

His eyes softened, “I know you.” He wasn’t wrong. He knew me better than anyone. I had never let someone in the way I did for him. I feel safe with him.

The silence we were in was heavy- fragile.

He looked down at his drink, then back up to me, and I knew before he said it.

“I can’t keep pretending,” he said. “Not when I’m here, sitting with you, having you smiling at me the way you do, with those eyes. I can’t stay away from you.”

I froze.

He sighed, unable to keep his words in, like they’d been held in for too long. “I’m in love you,” he breathed. “I know you know that. And I know you have him, but I can’t keep this to myself anymore. You deserve someone who- who sees you the way that I do. Ethan doesn’t do that.”

The air left my lungs.

Everything he said was everything I wanted to hear- a quiet dream I’d buried deep down. I’d imagined this moment thousands of times. Almost every girl’s dream is to be love-bombed. To have someone confess their overpowering love for them.

“Jake…” I began, but my voice cracked.

“I’m sorry, I had to tell you. It’s been eating me up.”

I shook my head, blinking hard. “You shouldn’t have. Why-” I could hardly look at him. “We were fine. And now-“

“Now what?” he demanded. “Now you have to admit you feel it too?”

I couldn’t bear the way he was looking at me.

“Jake, please,” I said. “Don’t do this.”

His shoulders tensed. “You know I’m right.”

“Do you think this is easy? That I haven’t thought about this a million times? You think I haven’t-“ I stopped myself.

The words hung there, half-born between us.

For a long moment, neither of us spoke. The noise around us felt muffled now, like we were trapped in our own little bubble of heartbreak.

He breathed out slowly, the fight draining out of him. “Please, choose me.”

The desperation laced in his voice shook me to my core. The pain behind his eyes made my stomach turn. I caused this, all this confusion and frustration.

A tear escaped from my eye, and through the blur of my vision, it looked like he might have teared up too.

I could only manage to shake my head, afraid what I might say if I opened my mouth.

He looked so broken. If he was a record player, his music would be no longer sweet, it would be mournful.

I may have just lost the only person I’ve ever wanted to keep.

He stood, looked at me one last time and left.

Next thing I knew, I was following him, the music of thunder following every step.

“Jake!” as I said his name, it was like the password to the gates of heaven. Rain poured down over us.

It was like a movie, he walked faster whilst I ran, trying to keep up with him. He never turned around, I knew he could hear me, he just didn’t want to see me.

“Jake please, come back!” the rain drowned my voice.

Again, he didn’t turn. He kept walking. I stopped and let him go.

I couldn’t tell him what he wanted me to. I wanted to but, something inside wouldn’t let me.

I watched him walk away through the rain.

The weather had never been so fitting, it hid my tears and my painful sobs.

I stood in the rain, hopeless and secretly in love.