Inside the Car

Outside the car, the wind blew fast, car horns blared, and radios blasted. People moved about in their busy, exciting lives. Proposals thrown out left and right, singles complaining about how much of a scam this stupid holiday is.

But inside the car was silence. Our world shattered. We knew this was coming, this day, this moment; the one we’d been avoiding for so long, but no longer could.

He drove slow, almost like he was prolonging our time together. Like he was hoping a longer drive would delay what we knew was coming. What we would have to endure when we wake up tomorrow.

His silence was unbearable. Like this choice, this action was destroying him. I wanted to reach out and hold him, tell him we would make it through this. But every part of me told me not to.

We both knew it was the right one, both knew I’d be insane to not take the opportunity, but it didn’t help. No amount of reminding ourselves, or of telling ourselves this was right made the choice any easier. Made this night any easier.

The night sky was dark with little stars in the sky. As if they knew it was not the night full of happiness. Inside the car, the world was quiet, moving as slow as it could to help delay what we could accept.

I looked at his hands on the wheel, clenching like he was forcing himself to hold onto something, ground himself to something. His knuckles were almost white. His chest still, like he wasn’t breathing.

I knew it was my fault this was happening, that he was feeling this way. I breathed out my nose, and turned to look out my window; my hands holding my seatbelt, my way to ground myself. I tried, and failed, to keep tears from forming in my eyes. I mumbled a curse at myself when I blinked and a tear fell down my cheek.

This is a great opportunity for you. You’re the one leaving. You’re the one ending this. This is your fault.

I whipped the tear from my cheek, straightened in my seat, and moved my hands from the seatbelt to my lap. My thumbs twiddling together.

How are you going to be able to sleep with yourself knowing you did this to him? Knowing you hurt him so badly. How can you cry, and make this about you when you are the one hurting him? How could you-

A warm hand placed over mine, the thumb rubbing gently on the back of my hand.

I look over at him, surprised and confused. But it all flowed away when his smile came into view. His eyes stayed on the road, the glow of the street lights casting over him, like the angle he was that I didn’t deserve. His smile, warm with a tinge of sadness. He was calm, like he’d been preparing for this. Like he knew this was coming.

We both knew it was coming, but he seemed to have a more positive look on it. Not like he wasn’t sad, but like he was more happy for me than sad for himself.

I truly don’t deserve him.

I smiled, my heart filling even more, then was immediately replaced with the same guilt that has been eating me alive. The same guilt that has been destroying me from the inside.

I tried to force a similar smile, but lost some of the warmth, and turned to look back out the window.

He squeezed my hand and turned back to the road, still trying to go as slow as possible. Like he physically couldn’t get himself to go any faster. People honked at us, but we couldn’t do it.

I was destroying this man; could we not have this one night people? I thought, my heart burning with pain.

Another turn, the silence in the car being almost too much. I couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to turn on the radio. But a break up song was playing. A song about loving someone but having to let them go because it’s the right thing to do. I changed the channel but another song about being broken hearted after a lover leaves played.

Apparently everyone on the radio was either single or heart broken, because I changed the channel five times and they were all songs about heart break. After the seventh channel, I just gave up and turned it off. I looked at him and that goofy smile was on his face. That smile that always made everything better.

I couldn’t stop the smile growing on my face, or the soft laugh from escaping my lips. My laughter turned his smile to laughter, which made me laugh more, and suddenly we were both busting out laughing. Two hearts laughing together, for the last time in a long time.

The laughter was warm, bringing a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart.

Another turn.

Our laughter died down, and all the negative feelings came flooding back like a tsunami destroying a beautiful island. Like a cloud blocking out the sun, my house was now in sight. The tears came back as we pulled into my driveway, but neither of us moved. Neither knew if we should, nor did we want to. His hand squeezing mine.

We knew this moment was coming, but we couldn’t let it. We didn’t want it. We sat in that car, for what felt like forever. But we knew it wouldn’t last.

Finally, he sighed and brought my hand to his mouth, kissing it softly, longer than usual. When he finally pulled back, he let me go and got out of the car with a sniffle. I couldn’t hear him, or see his face, but something about his stance told me he was trying to hold it together. I mean, I was too.

After a second, he walked around the car to my door, and opened it. I moved over in my seat, and patted for him to sit. He sighed and sat, barely on the seat, with his back to me. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. His hand found my knee, and we sat there for another moment. The silence of the night filling ours.

I could have stayed there forever, it didn’t matter how many goosebumps covered my skin, or how cold the air was.

Unfortunately, he noticed my cold body, and knew I shouldn’t sit inside the car. But we also knew if we kept doing this, we’d never get through this. The longer we pushed this off, the harder it would be. So he stood up and reached out his hand to mine. I sighed, and grabbed it, and stepped out of the car for the last time in a long time.

After closing the door, he walked me to my porch. The soft light making him glow. I sighed barely able to look at the door. I couldn’t do this.

His arms wrapped around me, his warmth blocking out the wind. My face hiding in his shoulder, his lips on head.

But I knew it was going to end. We both knew we couldn’t deny it any more.

One last sniff of his smell, and a turn of my head, his grip tightening, refusing to look at me. I smiled, and turned his head to face me.

One small kiss with a smile, then a long, deep, passionate kiss to remember him forever.

Then after kiss forever, we pulled away, and I turned and walked away. Opening my door, I step in, looked at him and smiled.

“I love you.” I smiled, my heart shattering as a tear fell down his cheek, but I closed the door.