Phobia

Sondra’s head snapped backwards as her uncle slammed on the brakes. The car skidded to a halt seconds before the northern end of the bridge to Heart Island collapsed with a deafening roar. Twelve-year-old Sondra stared in abject horror as the red station wagon carrying her family plunged into the raging, white water of the river below. She unhooked her seatbelt and reached for the door handle just as Aunt Myrna locked all of the doors. “Let me out!” Sondra cried. “We have to save them!”

“Honey, please listen. We have to get off this bridge before the rest of it gives way. Uncle Bud will call for help as soon as he gets us out of danger.”

“Noooo…!” Sondra’s green eyes glittered with tears as the pain of realization took hold of her body, causing it to shake uncontrollably. Her last conscious thought was that she hoped her brother hadn’t taken off his socks again; the water was always freezing this time of year.

Sixteen years after the tragedy that claimed the lives of her family, Sondra found herself in the office of a highly recommended psychiatrist.

“Gephyrophobia. The g is pronounced like the g in giraffe,” Dr. Thomson explained.

Sondra finally had a name for her paralyzing fear of crossing any type of bridge. Tall suspension bridges over wide expanses of water were the worst, but even the low footbridge over the stream at her former in-laws’ farm was impossible for her to negotiate.

The doctor went on, “The symptoms often include sweating, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, an inability to catch one’s breath, and a severe feeling of dread. Each sufferer is different, of course. You may experience some or all of these symptoms, as well as others I haven’t mentioned.”

“Is there a cure?” asked Sondra. She had just celebrated her twenty-eighth birthday the previous Friday. Her friends wanted to take her to a new restaurant in the next county, but Sondra reluctantly declined…again. She couldn’t bring herself to cross the Blackhouse Bridge, and she wouldn’t ask her pals to drive fifty miles out of their way to take the alternative route. She knew her fear was irrational and costly. It had already ruined her marriage and chance at a prestigious, high-paying advertising job that required frequent road travel. She realized now that she wasn’t going to outgrow her condition, and finally heeded her aunt’s and uncle’s pleas to seek help from a professional.

“Well, some people do get to a point where they can manage their fear well enough to consider themselves cured. It really depends on you,” answered the doctor. “You’ve taken a big step forward by coming to see me. However, getting over a phobia can be a lengthy and difficult process. Are you willing to do whatever it takes?”

“Absolutely. Just tell me what I have to do.” Sondra left Dr. Thomson’s office with a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication and a series of appointments for psychotherapy. As she walked to her car, she peered at the prescription in her hand, trying to make out the name of the drug. The next thing she knew, she stumbled and bumped into someone walking in the opposite direction. The paper slipped out of her grasp and wafted away on the breeze like an autumn leaf. The person she collided with raced across the parking lot after it, catching it just before it hit a puddle left over from a recent storm.

The man coming toward her was a stranger. Hinton was a small, close-knit community, and Sondra had lived there her whole life. She knew she had never seen this person before. He was not much taller than she, stocky and dressed in overalls. What she could see of his blond hair was covered with a baseball cap, and he was slightly bow-legged. His face was…pleasant.

“I’m sorry.” Sondra and the man spoke at the same time.

“Here’s your paper. I don’t think it got wet.” The stranger handed Sondra the prescription and tipped his cap. “My name is Matthew,” he said. “Matthew Croft.”

“Sondra Stark.” Sondra stuffed the note into her purse. “Thanks for fetching my prescription. Are you new in town?”

“I’ve been here a couple of months. I’ve been busy working, trying to put away enough money to get my own place, so I haven’t met too many people. I’m staying at a hotel for the time being. I’m a carpenter. Dr. Thomson ordered some new cabinets.”

“Oh.” Hmm…that explains the overalls. “Well, I’ve got to get going. Nice to meet you, Matthew.”

“Likewise. Hey, would you like to grab something to eat later on? I really don’t know anyone, and eating alone in a dingy hotel room gets awfully lonely.”

Sondra had been in a social rut since her divorce. And Matthew seemed nice.“Sure. Why not? I could meet you at the diner on Palm Road at seven.”

“Great. See you then, Sondra.”

Matthew couldn’t get the image of the woman he had just met out of his mind. She wasn’t beautiful, or even very cute. She had clear green eyes, and her skin was pale. She had a large mouth and a sprinkling of freckles on her nose. But it was her hair that had captured his imagination. It was as shiny black as a crow’s wing, except for a shockingly white streak that extended back from the left side of her widow’s peak. Striking. Wonder why she needs to see a psychiatrist?

The chance meeting and spur-of-the-moment dinner invitation proved to be the beginning of a relationship that was good for both of them. They discovered that they had plenty to talk about. Matthew shared the story of his wife’s courageous, but ultimately unsuccessful, battle with stomach cancer, and Sondra talked about being raised by her aunt and uncle after her family’s untimely death. He confided his acute loneliness since his wife’s death, and she reminisced about the good times before her marriage turned sour. Through all of the sharing and bonding, Sondra never once mentioned her fear of bridges. And Matthew never asked why she was at Dr. Thomson’s office on the day that they met. Matt figured she would tell him what was wrong if she wanted him to know, and Sondra was afraid he would think she was crazy and bolt if the truth was revealed.

A year passed. Matthew and Sondra’s relationship became more serious. Matthew was confident that Sondra felt as he did and would welcome a marriage proposal. So he purchased a modest engagement ring and planned to propose on Sondra’s twenty-ninth birthday. It was to be a surprise, so he was maddeningly tight-lipped when Sondra asked where they were going for her birthday celebration. “You’ll just have to be patient,” he said. “It’s about a three-hour drive, but the trip will be worth it. Trust me. It’ll be the best birthday you’ve ever had.” I hope, he thought.

Matt’s mention of a lengthy drive caused Sondra a moment of trepidation, but she shook it off. Sondra had been faithfully attending her therapy sessions and taking her medicine, but after a year, she had not noticed any lessening of her fear of bridges. Uncle Bud and Aunt Myrna had both attempted to take her over the various bridges in the area to no avail. Her symptoms kicked in as soon as she got within a few hundred feet of a span. She was beginning to think a cure was out of her reach. It’ll be ok. Not every route out of Hinton has a bridge. There’s no reason to assume the worst. Damn! I should have told Matthew about my problem ages ago. It’s too late now. Buck up, kiddo. You’ll be fine.

Sondra’s pep talk to herself and Matthew’s quiet conversation helped relax her. Soon, the hypnotizing sound of tires rolling over the highway made her sleepy. She made a pillow out of her sweater, leaned her head back, and fell asleep.

One hundred fifty miles later, Matthew shook her gently, not wanting to startle her. “Sondra, wake up! We’re almost there.”

She sat up and wiped the sleep out of her eyes. She was still slightly disoriented and not quite awake when they rounded a bend in the road. Suddenly, looming ahead was the tallest suspension bridge Sondra had ever seen. Her eyes widened, then shut tight as she was blinded by the sun glinting off the steel bridge. Her heart started pounding against the wall of her chest, and her breathing became as rapid and labored as a dog’s panting during a heat wave. Her face, pale as it was, turned a sickening grey as the meager contents of her stomach threatened to disgorge. Oh my god! This can’t be happening! “Matthew! Stop! Now!” she cried. Her panic escalated as they approached the bridge. Sobbing uncontrollably, she lunged to the left and grabbed the steering wheel, wrenching it to the right with all of her strength.

Matthew tried to keep his eyes on the road as he watched the woman he intended to marry morph into an emotional train wreck in the space of two minutes. He was unprepared for her desperate snatch at the wheel, but he maintained enough control to narrowly avoid sideswiping a minivan that was passing on the right. He pumped the brakes, but the vehicle’s momentum took over, and they plowed headlong into a ditch, toppled the “Reduce Speed” sign, and finally came to a stop.

“Are you ok?” She was shaking and shivering so hard that Matthew was afraid she’d gone into shock.“Sondra?”

“I think so. My head hurts, but I don’t think anything’s broken.”

“Good.” Matthew breathed a sigh of relief. “What the hell were you thinking? Are you crazy? We could have been killed!”

“I know. I know. I’m sorry. I can’t control…” Sondra stopped. Her breathing was returning to normal, and she had stopped crying. She realized that the time had come for her to tell him the truth. “Matt, we need to talk.”

“Damn right, we do. I hear the sirens now. It’ll probably take an hour or so to give our statements to the police and get my car out of this gully. If it’s drivable, we might as well turn around and head for home.”

It was more like two hours before they could leave the scene of the accident. They rode in silence, each immersed in thought. When they arrived in Hinton, Matthew turned to Sondra. “Are you hungry? I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Want to see if the diner is still open?”

Sondra realized that she was famished. The three-hour drive had allowed her sufficient time to recover from her episode. “Sure. I’m starving. And I’m dying for a cup of coffee.”

After they ordered their burgers, fries, and coffee, Matt leaned back against the red leather bench seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “Ok. Out with it. I believe you owe me an explanation.”

Sondra decided that the best way to tell Matthew her story was to get right to the point. Here goes.

“I am gephyrophobic.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” The look on Sondra’s face told him that his comment was definitely not appreciated. “Sorry. I couldn’t resist. What does it mean?”

“It means that I am deathly afraid of crossing a bridge—any bridge. It’s an anxiety disorder that I have been dealing with for the better part of seventeen years. It’s embarrassing and debilitating, not to mention inconvenient. I avoid taking any route that has a bridge and literally confine myself to a fifty-mile radius around Hinton. My husband left me because of it. The condition has cost me more opportunities than I can count. When I ran into you at Dr. Thomson’s office, I had finally decided to get some help. I’ve been taking medication and talking with the doctor for a year now, but it hasn’t helped.”

Matt frowned. “So when you woke up and saw the bridge up ahead, you panicked….”

“That’s putting it mildly. It was one of the worst attacks I’ve ever experienced. I think I lost my mind. Waking up and having no idea where I was probably didn’t help. I’m sorry about your car.”

“Bah! Don’t be. It’s metal and rubber; it can be fixed. You said you’ve had this phobia for how long? Seventeen years? That would have been around the time your parents and brother died, right?”

“That’s right. We had traveled over that little bridge every summer weekend for as long as I can remember. My dad’s family owned a cabin on Heart Island, and our family and Uncle Bud’s crew spent the weekends there, weather permitting. On that horrible day, the skies were cloudy, but the forecast only called for scattered thunderstorms. Dad and Uncle Bud decided that we should go to the island as planned. I usually rode in my family’s car, but my cousin Emily begged me to ride with her. I did, of course. We had no way of knowing that a freak storm had ripped through the area earlier in the day and damaged the century-old bridge. You know the rest of the story.”

“And you’ve had this fear of bridges ever since. Tell me, have you ever been back to the island?

“What? No! Why? I never want to go near the place again!”

Matthew unfolded his arms and leaned across the table to take Sondra’s hand. He reached into his jacket pocket, pulled out the little blue box he had planned to give Sondra at her birthday dinner, and set it on the table.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“It’s your birthday present. I have two questions to ask before I give it to you. Just promise me you’ll hear me out before you say anything.”

“Ok. At least, I’ll try.”

“I think you need to go back there, back to where your family drowned. You told me that you passed out at the scene and woke up hours later in the emergency room. The bodies were never recovered, and you barely remember the memorial service. Then you went to live with your aunt and uncle and….”

“Matthew, I….”

“Let me finish, please. They’ve probably constructed a new bridge to the island. Maybe if we go there, we can cross the bridge together, and you can finally grieve properly and find closure. If it were me, I think I’d need to go back one more time. What do you say?”

“I don’t know….” Sondra covered her face with her hands. All of her previous efforts to overcome her fear had failed. She had no reason to believe this time would be different.

Matthew gently moved her hands away from her face and held them in his own. “Will you at least come with me to Heart Island? That itself would be a positive step.”

“Alright, I’ll try, if it means that much to you.”

The next day was Sunday, August 13, almost 17 years to the day since the accident. Sondra was quiet on the drive, her thoughts going back to that day so many years ago. Matthew watched her carefully, monitoring her for any signs of distress as they neared their destination. When they were a hundred yards away from the crossing, her breathing quickened, and she shrank back against the seat. Matthew stopped.

“I can’t do this, Matt. I’m sorry.” Sondra got out of the car and stood still. Her senses assaulted her—the intoxicating smell of the pines, birds trilling, the river rushing beneath the rebuilt bridge. Dropping to the ground, she knelt, arms folded against her chest, and rocked back and forth like someone in pain.

Matthew knelt beside her and spoke quietly. “I know this is hard. But I’m here. We can do it together.” Standing, he extended his arm. Peering up at him, Sondra saw confidence and love in his eyes. She grasped his hand and he guided her to the riverbank.

As she gazed across the water, she thought she saw her mother and father smiling at her through the fog. Just as she remembered from that horrible day, her brother’s stockinged feet peeked out beneath their father’s coat. Shaking her head as if to clear it, she widened her eyes in wonder. Her mother’s lips moved. We love you. Her father’s arm rested around her mother’s shoulders. Moments later, they waved and faded into the morning mist.

I love you too! Remembering Matthew, she turned to him and pointed to the island. “Do you think we could walk across?”

“Yes, of course. That’s a start. What just happened?”

“I’ll tell you when we get to the other side,” Sondra said.

Hand in hand, they slowly crossed the half-mile bridge. Sondra’s hands were clammy, and they had to stop twice, but they made it to the other side. When she stopped shaking, Sondra explained her vision. Marveling at her story, he hugged her tightly. “That’s wonderful! I hope that will help heal your heart and face your fear.”

“I hope so, too.” She walked over to a bench and patted the spot beside her. Matthew sat and turned to her. He reached into his jacket and pulled out the little blue box.

“Oh, I forgot! My birthday present,” Sondra grinned.

“Sondra Stark, I’m very proud of you, and I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?” Matthew opened the box, revealing a heart-shaped diamond.

Sondra gasped. “Oh, my God! It’s beautiful!”

“Well?” Matthew prodded.

“Yes, of course I will!” Sondra laughed through her tears and squeezed his hand. With a smile as bright as the future ahead of them, Sondra turned to her fiancé and said, “I love you, Matt. And thank you. Together, we can weather any storm life throws our way.”