The Great Cheese War

The Great Cheese War

By Heather David

For time out of mind the Great Cheese War had been fought. The dwarf town known as Mozzarella Village had fought against the Muenster Village. It began decades past with Chieftain Cedric and Chieftain Ullrich and continued with their sons Chieftain Seigfried and Chieftain Aldrich.

Every evening the dwarves' wives and children would milk their cows, then convert the milk into various cheese weapons. Muenster arrows were sleek and fast, sharp cheddar axes swung true, and mozzarella balls fit snugly in leather slings. Every day from morning to evening the menfolk would gather in the battlefield and fight for dominance. Their wives and children would be on the side watching and cheering their husbands on. Until one day everything changed, for the better and more delicious.

It was a beautiful sunny morning, and Chieftain Seigfried’s wife Astrid was multitasking. She was making breakfast, while shaping her husband's cheese arrow for the day in its molding. It was made with her best muenster cheese. She did not notice when a bit of the cheese fell from the block onto her toast. After making ten arrows and letting them harden, she wrapped them in cloth and put them in the quiver. Astrid reached for her breakfast and bit on the toast. The most delicious flavor filled her senses. The cheese had melted and absorbed the toast crumbs. She smacked her lips and wolfed down the slice. Her eyes lit up with a smile that outshined the sun.

“That was the best piece of toast I've ever had!” She declared.

The door burst open with her husband shouting for his weapons. Astrid tried to draw his attention to her newfound discovery, but he held up his hand.

“Hurry, me love! I'm late!”

In vain Astrid held up another piece of toast.

“But, my dear, you must try this-” Seigfried grabbed the quiver of weapons and pressed a kiss to her lips. “Forgive me! See you at the battlefield.” He wiped his mouth. “I love your new lip balm.” With one last wave he left.

Astrid sighed. What she had tasted was too delicious to keep to herself. Grabbing a basket and three dish cloths she gathered a brick of muenster cheese, a brick of provolone, and one of mozzarella and put them in a basket. Gathering another loaf of bread she ran to the battlefield. As she went she heard the familiar chant of the men folk.

“One, two, three, four! We declare a Cheese War!”

The chant was accompanied by several dwarf women and children as they cheered on their husbands. At the head of the march was Chieftain Siegfried. He held a dagger made of sharp cheddar high as he declared this would be the day Muenster Village would conquer Mozzarella Village. Smiling to herself, Astrid cheered and chanted with everyone. When the crowds reached the battlefield the men folk stood at the head, while the women and children stood at the side. Everyone set up cooking pots and picnic blankets to watch the show. Astrid wondered if anyone would try her amazing discovery. Her nervousness was forgotten when the neighboring enemy came into view. The inhabitants of Mozzarella Village stood with their mozzarella arrows and sharp cheddar balls in slings. Just beyond them she could see their women and children cheering them on. Thus another battle of the great Cheese War began.

Astrid marveled as the soldiers slung their slings, and fitted their bows with the various cheese weapons. Siegfried barked orders while on the other end his rival, Chieftain Aldrich, shouted directions of his own. She then took her loaf of bread, cut it, then toasted the various pieces over a fire. One by one she unwrapped her blocks of cheese and sliced them. She created four cheese sandwiches. Looking around she wondered who to offer one too, when a cheese arrow flew past her head. Astrid jumped back and gasped. Her shock grew when Chieftain Aldrich’s wife Gilda ran for it.

“So sorry, dear, one of the soldiers is still learning,” said Gilda.

She stood up, then noticed where she was and who she faced. Gilda stared at Astrid, with her cheeks burning. A bit stunned herself, Astrid held up a sandwich.

“Would you like to take this back with you?”

Gilda raised an eyebrow. “What sort of sandwich is that, Dear?”

Astrid thought it over then snapped her fingers. “I shall call it grilled cheese.”

Gilda's eyes grew wider. “You made a sandwich with cheese?”

Astrid held it out. “Try it.”

Reluctantly, Gilda took the sandwich and bit. She made a satisfied groan as she took another bite and another. Soon the sandwich was devoured and she licked her lips.

“How did you make such a delicious discovery?”

Astrid explained about her accident and how Siegfried had run off before she could tell him. By then the other dwarves were taking notice. Gilda called to her children and the neighboring lady dwarves from Mozzarella Village. Soon a large crowd gathered and began making sandwiches. More women from Muenster Village gathered and began melting the cheese over sausage links and fresh baked potatoes. Gilda even shredded it over a bowl of potato soup.

The crowd got so large they did not notice the soldiers had stopped fighting. Both chieftains stared wide-eyed as they witnessed their wives and children eating cheese by the barrel load. Siegfried walked over to Astrid and was about to demand what was going on, when she thrust a freshly toasted grilled cheese into his mouth. Siegfried bit, then could not stop chewing as the delicious flavor overwhelmed his senses.

“What is this, my love?!” Siegfried cried around a mouthful.

“Apparently cheese is more delicious to cook with than for fighting!” cried Astrid.

Chieftain Aldrich walked over to Gilda when she put a spoonful of potato and cheese soup into his mouth. He swallowed and begged for another, then another. Soon he sat and was wolfing down a huge bowl of potato and cheese soup as fast as he could. The whole army gathered and began melting their cheese weapons into various dishes. There were soon varieties of cheese and egg casseroles, cheese and beef patty sandwiches (burgers by name), and any other savory recipes the dwarves could conjure. By mid-afternoon both Chieftains stood up and raised mugs full of ale, silencing the crowd.

“My friends!” said Seigfried. “Today is a proud and delicious day. No longer shall our villages fight with this cheese, rather from now on we shall cook with it.”

“I agree!” Aldrich stepped forward. “I declare the Cheese War to be at an end! Our villages shall be friends and make a trade with the elves, fairies, and neighboring orcs with our cheese recipes. This shall bring in a great profit, and glorious friendships for us all!” He shook Siegfried's hand. “Welcome to Mozzarella Village, my friend!”

Seigfried shook his back. “And welcome to Muenster Village, my friend!”

Thus the Great Cheese War ended and the Cheese Trade began. Gilda and Astrid started a business where they created a whole cookbook of cheese related recipes. From morning to night they milked the cows and created cheese blocks to sell to all the neighboring villages. Siegfried and Aldrich also became good friends and taught the other men and boys still how to defend the village. They also taught how not all wars needed to end with fighting. Sometimes something as simple as a block of cheese could be enough to bring everyone together. Once a year they would celebrate and remember the day the war ended, and thus a new chant would shake the air.

“One, two, three, four! No longer shall we have a Cheese War!”

THE END