Mint Moonlight

To know my story is to know my sorrow.

I’ve landed, finally landed. But not without definite damnation.

I’ve borrowed too much time—and now, it’s my time. Dawn is closer than near.

I have but one task to do. It will take all of me. And so with my last breath, which harbors mint moonlight, hear this:

Egg. Larva. Pupil. Actias. This is the way of life. Egg. Larva. Pupil. Actias. We must mate and mate for life.

When we are born into the brutality of this world, we know this truth and this truth alone, for it flows through us, from forewing to forewing, enveloping us in a state of higher being. We feel no hunger, no thirst. With mouths sewn almost shut, save for a small cleft designed to hold one last breath, we, the effervescent Actias, fly in desperate search of our twin wing.

For our twin wing is our other half and our path to whole.

It’s said we are tied to our twin wing by a thread, an invisible string, that pulls at us, tugging us towards one another. Behind weeping willows and between sycamore shadows, we search for our twin wing. And when we finally find them…

The delicate dance begins.

Quick, light, and spritefully free, like pirouetting sugar plum fairies we flutter about, united in ancient pairing. We zip, flit, and unfurl into one another, ascending higher and higher. As we continue our great climb, the pastel green of our wings glosses over into gold, and together, we spark up the night sky.

This dance, it is a full collapsing of the self, for at the very peak of our mating ritual, each twin wing must let out their last breath. Please know finding a twin wing is everything. And it is as much as everything to me as it is everything to you.

When twin wings reunite, their souls blaze, igniting into starlight. Starlight that shines through. Starlight that shines on. Tied together, the twin wings fuse upward and cement their spot as a new jewel in the great canvas of sky.

For we, the ardent Actias, are how stars became to be. And without stars, there would be no sky.

It is through our many, many unions that the sky has grown so vast and wide. It is why we must continue to mate in the masses, so that we may expand the sky, pushing its boundaries and obliterating its barriers for all who live beneath and beyond it.

And we must complete this sacred ritual in five nights time, or our souls will starve, and a star will die.

We have quite the calling, for we are quite the creature.

But when I took flight four nights ago, something went terribly wrong.

As my wings bloomed behind me, I did not desire to find my twin wing. All of my brothers and sisters around me did not hesitate or falter, they simply took flight and took off. Yet I remained rooted to the ground, lost in wild thoughts. And I began to wonder…

Why must I complete a preordained cycle without any consent of my own? Why, if I only have five nights on this plane, would I spend all of them searching for my demise? And I wondered, truly wondered, if every moment matters, how must you decide which moment matters most?

Was there only the whisper of woods and lapping of lake water? Was there only this incessant demand that I must fulfill a destiny not of my choosing? Was I doomed to die not with just a starved soul, but a starved heart?

Deeply disappointed, I flew low along the lake, eventually landing on a lily pad. And it was there, bobbing back and forth on the leaf’s edges, where I first saw her.

And she was, God she was…

Beautiful.

Bold.

Breathtaking, if I had any extra breaths for the taking.

Her bright, cream-colored image illuminated the lake water like a million dazzling gems, and I felt, for the first time, something so much larger than myself. As she, my lovely mistress, gleamed, so did my heart. In an instant she became a holy beacon and I her faithful servant of solitude. And I knew, from the moment I saw her, I’d follow her wherever she went.

As her shimmering silhouette elongated along the lake water, I dove towards her, wanting to be as close to her as I could. But instead of feeling her warmth, I crashed through her reflection and sunk deep into the water. Tiny bubbles billowed all around me, distorting my senses. Yet panic paired with instinct forced my wings to pump with all their might, and somehow, I was able to break through the surface and crawl to the shore.

Laying on my back, with my tiny chest heaving, I almost spent my last breath on a gulp of air.

Almost.

But I didn’t, because just then I opened my eyes and looked up far beyond the tangle of trees, and caught a glimpse of her light.

Light that shined through.

Light that shined on.

I decided right then and there that I would spend the rest of my nights searching for her, my lovely moon mistress.

There was a path, caked with dead leaves and overgrown with weeds, that the elders warned us against traveling on. They called it the Path of No Return. All Actias who had wandered down it never came back.

I did not know what to expect from taking this path. I only knew that I wanted to find my moon mistress. And if I were to choose this Path of No Return for myself, and die in an honest effort of search, how was my choice any different than that of my brothers and sisters?

They stared at me though, my entire clan of Actias. They whispered worries, and other crafty insults, but I heard them not.

I was happy with my choice, for it was the first I had ever made.

And so after dusk on the first day of my new life, I started down the Path of No Return. I’ve seen so much on this strange journey, and I am quite pleased I got to meet so many other odd creatures.

On the second night my path crossed with a runaway bunny. Timid and scared, she asked me if I was afraid of never returning home. I said earnestly, “My home isn’t a place, little one. My home is wherever my moon mistress is.”

On the third night my path crossed with a spelling spider. Clever and cunning, she asked me how I could search for something I had never fully seen before. I said carefully, “The truth isn’t just what we see, but what we feel.”

On the fourth night my path crossed with a fruit bat. Kind and clumsy, she asked me what I would do if dawn arrived on the final night and I did not make it to my moon mistress. I said simply, “Then I would have loved her, and that would be enough.”

On the fifth and final night, my path was clear. I took it as a sign of good fortune that I was near, so very near, to my moon mistress.

Inside, I felt my chest begin to ache, and I knew dawn was approaching. I had just a bit of strength left and I was determined to use all of it. My wings flapped faster and faster still, until I had made it around the final bend in the path. But as soon as I rounded the corner, I froze, and my heart sank. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe he was real.

But he was real alright, real and right there in front of me.

An Actias. My Actias. My twin wing.

In an instant, I knew he would take me. He was larger than I was, much, much larger, and I had grown so tired from all my traveling. His entire body began pulsating with rage, though that didn’t concern me. What I couldn’t stop staring at was his eyes, for they held such resentment and such hunger. Those eyes told me his soul was starving, and that he needed me to feed. He needed me to stay alive. The next second, my twin wing was flying towards me.

I had only a moment to decide what to do. And really, what could I do?

Defeated, I flew forward, meeting my twin wing halfway. He grinned and we began to twirl, flit, and whirl around one another. I was surprised to find I knew this dance all too well; it was as if my wings moved with a mind of their own.

We climbed higher then, higher than I had ever flown before, and linked wings. We were so close now I could feel his mouth near mine. We were approaching the peak of our pairing, and the heat radiating off our now golden wings was intoxicating.

He had become all of me, and I had become all of him. Soon, I would cease to exist, and everything I loved, everything I fought so hard to find, would be gone, too.

There was only a moment left before our souls collided. It was time to take our final breaths. We had waited our entire lives for this, for right here, for right now.

We closed our eyes.

We opened our mouths.

He let out a breath.

And I did not.

By the time he had realized what had happened, it was too late. I watched the shock in his eyes fade into fear, before his wings dimmed to a dull gray, and he fell.

Oh, how he fell.

A part of my inner heart fell with him, for I had caused his death. But this was my life. This was my choice. And I would be the one and the only one to choose where my last breath would be.

Before my twin wing disappeared from view, I was flying down the Path of No Return, climbing higher than I ever thought possible. With every leap, every bound, I could feel my chest caving in on itself. Time, my sweet, sweet, jar of time, was fizzling out. Dawn was closer than near.

But I persisted. And I pushed on.

I pushed on until the last bit of branch gave way, and suddenly, there it was, a clearing so vast and wide, only the sky and its great expanse could be seen. There were stars, so many stars, and the full force of rushing wind.

Then I looked down and couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Below me stretched a vast bed of stone as wide as a field, its face worn and smooth with the silhouettes of those who had lied down before it… Hundreds upon hundreds of Actias were etched into granite like faint, golden tattoos, each outline glowing with the memory of a thousand muffled moths. This bed of stone was both a monument to our defiance and the testament of our kind.

And then, I saw it.

I saw her.

And she was so much more than I could have ever imagined. My lovely moon mistress, larger than life, bigger than the whole damn sky.

Finally ready to rest, I surrendered my body to the bed of stone. Basking beneath my mistress's beauty, I laid my head down, if only for a moment. Here, there was no tangling of trees, no secrets, no shadows. Here, there was only light.

Light that shined through.

Light that shined on.

Everything around me faded, everything except her and my intentions, so honest and true, inscribed on stone’s surface.

I am here. I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

I’ve landed, finally landed.

And, while still gazing upon her, I let out a breath as fresh and final as mint moonlight.