"Love"

(This is based on a true story from my childhood.)

My Gurl Alyxa,

I'm so in love with you that I can't listen to love songs without hearing your voice in them. Actually, I hear your voice without love songs, too. You're always in my head. I'm sorry if you're suffocating from being constantly confined within the walls of my brain. I hope there's enough air coming in through my ears for you. Haha. I genuinely can't imagine my life without you. I bought you a beautiful surprise. You'll see it in your bedroom tonight after cheer practice.

Love,

Marc

Hey Marc,

Did you know that Lila and I call you Marc the Narc behind your back?

It’s because you are one. You’re the fakest person I’ve ever met. Actually, they are being nice by calling you a narcissist because you are genuinely a manipulative psychopath. At first, I felt stupid for not seeing it sooner. But hey—better late than never. I have come to realize that we need a break—a break so long that I would kiss you again before it ended.

You know me—I'm a very emotional person. Normally, I’d be very polite about a breakup letter. I always let 'em down easy. But psychopaths don’t care what people think of them. They pretend to care so well that they’re like human magnets, except they don’t even have a north or south pole. You attract all poles—so many poles that I’d say you don’t deserve all these awesome poles—but you’re a psychopath, so “deserving” doesn’t apply, since you don’t care about these people anyway.

Do you remember the day I was extremely frustrated with your friend Robert? I was so angry that I was venting about it to you, even though y’all were “friends”? That day, it wasn’t a question of how well you defended him; it was a question of how effectively you agreed with me. You kept saying the meanest things about him to me, and it felt so satisfying to hear. And you did it in a way that just made me melt. It just felt like yes. The smooth, charming way you said those powerfully relatable words about Robert made me so satisfied that it didn’t cross my mind how bad a friend you were.

You know what I overheard on Robert’s phone call four days after that? Two days ago from today? You said—in these exact words— “Oh my God, Alyxa is so annoying. We were playing chess, and she insisted on playing with the white pieces because she’s got some ‘sentimental value.’ And she’s such a teacher’s pet when the teacher obviously doesn’t even like her, so she’s just a wannabe. I can’t believe I agreed to buy her that beautiful sundae at Dairy Queen. I’m so done with her, but she loves me, and I don’t want to hurt her.”

You remember everything.

I’m sure you remember that the “she” was me.

I know why I fell in love with you so fast. You have this extremely sexy charm. The only thing keeping you from cheating on me with five hot in-your-league girls is your psychopathic lack of desire to. You don’t want me either; it’s just easier for your victims to believe stuff coming from a fine guy with a girlfriend who's not rich.

I wonder if you care enough to remember our first date. I told you about how sad I was that my rabbit named Bella died of heart cancer. Your reaction was so, so satisfying. You understood so, so, so strongly, and you were talking like you really, truly, genuinely, strongly meant it. Your voice was grasping your words so passionately as you told me that, coincidentally, you had a dog named Bella that died of heart cancer. I thought you were joking at first, but you swore you meant it, and I ended up kissing you.

A few weeks later, on the day I came to your house to meet your family, I asked you if we should tell them about the Bella coincidence. You very plainly said “no.” I was confused, but thought the whole thing was so cool that I told your brother about it anyway. He looked at me like I was crazy, and I thought he was joking, but your parents told me y’all never even had a dog. Eventually, you figured it was pointless to keep up that facade and admitted that your family was right and you just wanted me to like you. I honestly might have fallen in love with you on that particular day because of how sweet you sounded about it— “It just felt so good to see you happy. I promise I’ll be honest from now on.” Then you gave me a nice, warm, hearty hug because you know I like hugs more than kisses. It’s so ironic. This will be a nice, juicy childhood story I can bond over with my college roommates one day. "Hi, homies. I had a psychopathic boyfriend."

You're a textbook manipulator. Your facade is so painfully charming. You don’t care enough about people to be disgusted by saying “I love you” to a girl you don't love. You wrote, “I cannot imagine my life without you.” That’s hilarious; I actually laughed when I saw that. You could imagine a hundred lives without me, and it would hurt my feelings, but it doesn’t because you chemically cannot have an opinion of me as a person. You’re a manipulative psychopath, and I can say that as many times as I want without offending you because you do not care.

This is the most fun thing I have ever written. I took a picture before putting it in the envelope because it made me cry while laughing. The satisfaction of writing this letter is the only genuine, non-placebo feeling you have given me. I am ready to live a long life without you. I hope to see you again someday—on the front cover of a newspaper that says “Marc the Narc imprisoned.”

Thanks for the $100 Lululemon merch. That's my Valentine's Day gift for my hot, beautiful fireplace.

Not Ya Gurl (and I’d be sorry, but you don’t care),

𝒜𝓁𝓎𝓍𝒶 ♡

P.S. I love you just as much as you loved me when you wrote that letter, bitch. That heart comes with my signature. I'm going to censor this next part because of how wrong it is. I L0VE you.