Finding Home

I don’t remember when I started waking up feeling tired. Its been a while now. In fact, tired doesn’t even begin to express where I’m at. "Perhaps weary is a better word, " I muse.I work at a job that is exhausting and brings me no joy and certainly not much money. I live with a man I don’t even like anymore who is not kind and I make no effort to change either circumstance. Okay, saying he is not kind is actually too nice to describe a person who yells instead of speaks and finds a reason to not like anything. Damn. No wonder I’m so fucking tired.

I rise quietly and head to the porch to meditate. My yoga mat and meditation cushion reside out here because “they take up too much space” in the house. Seriously. “Why am I living this life?” I sigh as I sit. Crossing my legs, I roll my neck because it feels so good in this spot. Stretching arms up and then releasing. These moments in the morning save me. I close my eyes, beginning to settle in. I think about a friend who told me to ask my spirit guides for help. I told her I was pretty sure I didn’t have any. I laugh softly to myself, but whisper “is anyone out there, universe, spirit guides, anybody? I need to find a better life”. I begin to count my breaths, helping to focus my mind on what I’m doing. My breathing slows and soon I feel myself daydreaming.

I sit on the edge of the pool, sipping coffee, my towel wrapped loosely around me. Its early. That time of day when a touch of pink is just beginning to kiss the sky and all feels peaceful. I set my coffee cup down as I stand, letting the towel drop, and make my way fully into the water and begin to swim. Arms and thighs and feet moving, gliding through the water. Early morning swimming with nothing between my skin and the water feels luxurious. Birds share their morning songs and a gentle breeze brushes my back. Finally tiring after the effort, I make my way back to the edge of the pool, draping the towel loosely around me. Sipping the last of my now cold coffee, I feel happy.

“Hey darling”, a woman’s voice drawls behind me. I turn, surprise turning into something else. My breath catches as the woman smiles and walks to me. Hand reaching for the back of my head, she pulls me in for a kiss.“ Mmmm, I needed that. I miss you when I have to work nights. Float with me? “ she says. My brain is still trying to catch up, and I see her dropping her clothes to the pool deck. “Come on,” she says, and grabs my towel dropping it beside her clothes. I follow her into the pool and she reaches for me. Forehead to mine, she strokes my shoulders and back before turning us to float.

Later, she kisses me with care and she makes me feel that I am the most important thing in her world. We take our time with each other. Silky skin, gentle hands and I have never felt all my senses so alive. We lay together after, cuddling on our sides. Her breath finally softening and she makes the soft sounds of sleep. “Are you real?” I think. I try to memorize her sapphire blue eyes, her short blonde hair, and skin so soft I almost can’t resist touching her again. Eyes blinking to stay awake, I stare at her for as long as I can. I know if I fall asleep, the dream will be over.

I wake, startled, looking around my porch. I feel the prickle of tears as I return to my reality. I take a few deep breaths and pause to try to memorize the dream. Sapphire blue is going to be my new color I decide. I touch my lips and my breasts and smile. I feel different somehow. Maybe the dream was the gift from the universe and the spirit guides telling me I deserve better. Recognizing that I have seen such a beautiful possibility, I know I have to make some changes.

“Coffee,” I think, and head to the kitchen. Turning to reach for the creamer, I hear his footsteps. He is already grumbling and cursing. "Right, of course he even wakes up angry. " I think. I turn and he is standing in front of me glaring at me. “What the hell”, he says. “You’re gone for a week without a word and then show up for coffee like nothing happened”? I feel like I stop breathing, but somehow recover. “You’re right, I’m sorry. You deserve better. “ He stares at me in surprise. “We both deserve better", I say. "I think its time to move on. I mean we only have a couple weeks left on the rent. “

The two weeks are exhausting, messy, loud at times, and I am so happy when he walks out the door for the last time. I haven’t even taken time to think about the loss of a week. There will be time for that. I take a deep breath and realize I’m about to be late for yoga. I grab my mat and purse and run into the studio with two minutes to spare. The teacher smiles and motions to the back row. I make my way there, rolling out my mat, and hear the door. So happy I wasn’t the last one in again. I turn and look into sapphire blue eyes and gaze at a woman with short blonde hair. It feels like my breath stops and she smiles, our eyes locked. She rolls out her mat next to mine. “I had a dream about you”, I say quietly. “I don’t think it was a dream”, she replies and reaches for my hand. I interlace my fingers with hers. We sit in the back of the studio, not hearing the sounds around us. She feels like home.