The Room

The shadows do not fall easy as the sun sets. The empty room seems so lonely a place. I just stand and look at the space and I feel so overwhelmed. It all came down to this. A space where two people once shared happiness and dreamed. Now the bare walls want to scream at me! I am not sure how I can just stand here. I feel so tired inside. I can see where a table used to sit with chairs around it. I can see a sewing machine in the corner. I see racks filled with half sewn quilts. I want to just curl up in a ball and hide somewhere, but there is nowhere left to hide in this space.

I leave my grandmothers old sewing room and walk through the house. I can hear laughter and see memories in my mind's eye. I know I shouldn't be sad, but I cannot help myself. I miss her so much. I long to hear her warm gentle voice calling to me again. I spent so much time here with her. It was like she was a second mother and a sister, a wise old sage and a friend all rolled into one. My safe haven was her sewing room, the room that has been emptied of life and memories. She was found in there you know, in the place she felt most at peace. Sitting quietly in her favorite chair, a piece of crossstich in hand. Now her once welcoming home is being stripped of it's essence. The life is being bled out of it. I am not sure how I will ever recover from this tragedy. I have to move on though, that is what my grandmother would want. She said that life is like a quilt, just a patchwork of moments that can give us comfort and warmth when we need it most.

I find my way back home, I open the door and my own daughters greet me. They are my treasures, at least that is what I call them. One is a rambunctious 8 yearold with the energy of an emerging sun and the other is a curious 4 year old although if you ask her she is 4 and a half. I am brown headed as is my 8 year old but the other one is a golden sun blonde like my grandmother once was before silver took hold of her hair. The both wrap me up with hugs and questions. I am honestly too tired to answer having just saw part of my heart ripped out as my grand mothers house was divested of part of it's contents. I know that is what she wanted, but it doesn't make it any easier. She always told me that she wouldn't be here forever and that I should cherish the memories and not to dwell on the sadness. She said that the prettiest flowers die but new ones come in the spring to take their place. I can see that in my daughters. I like to think that they are the two blossoms that will replace my grandmother. I am not sure what they will bring to the world, but if their lights shine half as much as my grandmothers, then the world will be a brighter place because of them both.

The night passes quickly and I wake up. My husband has taken the children today as I am still an emotional wreck. I was the one my grandmother tasked with cleaning out her house. She designated every single thing to a place or a person. Her quilts went to be auctioned to help a women's charity with the exception of a few that she left me and my siblings and cousins. While they will get some utilitarian use out of the quilts, they will not cherish them as I do. I was the closest to my grand mother so that is why she must have named me to see to the house. I stumble to the bathroom and I look into the mirror, I look like some kind of puffy eyed ocean fish. I feel all stuffy and bloated. I should not be retaining water, I have cried out a gallon since her funeral and another gallon yeasterday as I tried to hold myself together. There is still so much to do, her will still has to finish probate and the rest of her assets have to be divided up. It sounds so cold and technical. Like someone is cutting up a cake. I blow my nose then I feel a bout of nausea hit me. I am huddled over the toilet, for how long I am not sure. I get up from my joyous experience and compose myself. A hot shower seems to bolster my resolve. I come out still kind of nauses but filled with more focus. I go down to the kitchen after I have gotten dressed. I look in the fridge but nothing speaks to me. So I get into my car and drive 2 miles. I am craving a berry smoothie for breakfast. Why do I want a berry smoothine? I get my desired confection and it seems to settle my stomach. I am sitting in the parking lot when my phone starts buzzing. It is the moving company, they let me know that they will be arriving in a half an hour. I finish my drink enroute to my grandmothers house. I get there just a few moments ahead of the moving company. I go inside and see the furnishings on the first floor that are going out. The second floor has already been pretty much cleaned out. The house seems to sit in a still silence. I want to go back to the sewing room, but I cannot bring myself to go back there yet. I am still processing all of this.

The doorbell rings and jostles me out of my stupor of dark introspection. I open the door and 4 rather muscular but somewhat burly men are outside. They are from the charity my grand mother left some of her furnishings to. I tell them come in. The pieces that are to be taken are marked with specific tags. This is basically the last remnants of her life. I take a folding chair and go sit in a corner. My stomach is still uneasy about all of this, but I just watch as table, chair, sofa, wall painting etc. goes out one by one into a cold metal truck. Some of it they wrap and other things they put in boxes. It is going to be sold at their resale store or some pieces will be given directly to familys in need. My Grand Mother was one of the most giving souls you would ever meet. As I am deep in thought, my stomach again begins to bother me. I run to the hall bathroom and find the toilet. My smoothie is not so smooth after all. After a few moments I get up and wash my face. I am looking as pale as baking flower. I compost myself and step out. The movers are taking out the last pieces of my grandmothers life. The guy in charge comes over to me and ask me to sign a paper . It is a recipt of transfer and he gives me a copy. I just smile, still ghostly pale. He then ask politely if I am feeling okay. I simply respond that it is something I ate or my emotions because of the circumstance. He nods but adds that his wife looked a lot like me through her last pregnancy. He smiles then turns to go as his companions have finished their task. It then hits me like a ton of bricks, PREGNANT? It hadn't even occurred to me. My other 2 children were of no trouble at all. Now if I am pregnant again, it couldn't come at worse time! I settle myself and think, it is just a stomach bug. To be on the safe side, I take out my phone and set up an appoint with my doctor for the afternoon. As I am getting ready to lock up the house, my phone buzzes again. It is the family attorney, he says he wants to see me. He ask when I can come by. I close up the house and head over to the lawyers office. I walk in and take a seat, the cleark buzzes and I am ushred into the attorneys office. I sit in front of his desk a bit unsettled. As he looks over some papers, a thousand things run through my mind. Dark scenarios of legal complications amids the back and forth of I am PREGNANT screaming in my head. Finally the attorney clears his throat. I smile as he begins to speak. He tells me that the probate of my grandmothers will has been completed. Apparently my grand mother held a substantial estate. He goes over the main technical points as I am executor I have to hear these things. Then he comes to the last page. He says that I am named in the will and that besides my fee for handling her affairs, that I have inherited her house. The air seems to get really thin all of a sudden. I am taken by suprise more than anything else. By the way things had been going I was sure that the residence would be sold. The attorneys outline is very clearly but I am lost in a myriad of thought. Finally, he stops talking and I am silent for a few seconds. He then says that a transfer of ownership will have to be performed and that it should take 30 days at most. Other than that, he just needs me to sign a few documents an I can move into the property immediately if I choose or make other arrangements if I like. He hands me a business card and say that his sister is a realestate agent if I need those services. I thank him and leave the office dumb

founded.

I sit in my car for several minutes still processing what has been happening. Then my phone alarm goes off. It is a reminder of my doctors appointment. I pull myself together and go to the doctor. I arrive, sign in and fill out a form on a tablet device. I then sit some more then get ushered back into the patients area. The PA comes in and greets me. She looks over the digital chart and begins looking me over. She says she wants to draw some blood. She has her nurse take 2 vials. All the time, I am still running a myriad of scenarios in my mind. She tells me that they will run some test and let me know something soon. I leave the dotors office and somehow find my way back to my grandmothers house, I mean what is now my house. I walk up the steps and look at the ornate post on the front porch. I go over and sit in the swing where I used to swing as a little girl. I settle into a dream like state and then I begin to hear laughter . It isn't the laughter that I remember but it is as if I am having a vision of something never imagined. I see my daughters running through the house that I grew up in. Then I see a young boy, barely old enough to walk but filled with exhuberent life and joy. Then I see my grandmother. She is dressed in her favorite dress holding a new quilt that I have never seen before. She just smiles and looks at all of the life filling her house. She then smiles and fades in a golden light that seems so peaceful. In that moment of singular serenity, I find closure then my phone rings. I come out of my trance and answer it. The doctor confirms what I already knew in my heart. I am pregnant again. I just start crying and a gentle wind blows and in it I can almost hear my grandmother say welcome home.