Fragment of Loss

The beach sand was coarse against Jacob’s feet. Sand forcing its way into his clothes, despite his best efforts to the contrary. Gazing out into the deep blue ocean was calming. That’s what he needed. A simple and plain thing to look at. It would help with the melancholy. Yet, rather annoyingly, the sky was ablaze in the most beautiful sunset he had ever seen. An explosion of purples, oranges, yellows, and reds covered the sky in a painting of vibrance.

“Of course. I can’t even enjoy a moment of bitter melancholy without the universe steeping in to stop me.” Amused, he couldn’t help but chuckle and pull out a flask. The burn of hard liquor was unpleasant, but it was one of the few things that dulled his pain. Yet, it seemed it would be hard to do that.

An overexaggerated gasp stops his next swig. “My goodness. Drinking from a flask in public property. When did my little brother become such a delinquent? I thought I raised you better than that.”

Jacob’s breath couldn’t help but catch his throat. He let his gaze shift to the woman beside him. A beautiful and kind woman. One with brown hair and green eyes. One he loved so dearly. “Alicia. When on earth did you get here? I didn’t hear you walk up.” His voice soft and solemn as he gazes at her.

Her face morphed into an inquisitive one. “Oh Jacob, you know I’m always with you.” Her grin mischievous as she teases him. “How am I supposed to keep an eye on you otherwise. Who knows what dangerous shenanigans you would get up to if I wasn’t watching over you.”

He snorts. “Dangerous shenanigans? I’ll have you know I don’t get up too much of anything now, much less something dangerous.” His gaze wanders back to the cold and vast blue of the ocean. “It’s hard to let it mean anything anymore.”

“I see. I suppose that’s why you’re drinking from a flask like an alcoholic?” The usually kind face of his sister turned stern. “This isn’t what I…. what she would have wanted for you.”

Jacob’s hand clenches tighter against the flask. Ignoring the comment, he sets his gaze back out towards the sea. It’s endless blue depths bringing a sort of peace to his wounded heart. “It’s kind of funny, isn’t it sis?”

“What is Jacob? You don’t seem to be in a very humorous mood right now.”

A slight smile tugs on his lips. “I came to the sea to drown in my misery. Letting myself gaze out on the endless blue sea. Resting in its endless depth. Yet, the universe had other plans. It’s ruined my moment of misery with the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever seen.” He chuckles a bit to himself before turning his gaze back towards her. “Not just that, but you’re here too. Making me feel both happy and far more miserable than I could have alone.”

“That’s a rather mean thing to say to your sister, no?” A sly smile creeps onto her face as she pretends to be offended. “All that work I did in raising a well-adjusted man, tisk tisk. And what’s so bad about the sunset? I bet everyone here is enjoying it. Would you wish it away just so you can rest in your own loneliness?”

“I’d like that yeah.” His gaze settles on the bright sky. “It’s funny. I’ve never seen purple in a sunset before. Such a vibrant sight, I thought it only existed for the lucky photographer. Yet here it is, ruining my sadness. Of all the days why today, you know?”

“Why that’s simple my foolish little brother. It’s because this amazing sister has graced the sky with her presence once more.” The smug grin on her face was so wide it put Jacob on pause for a moment.

A soft chuckle escapes him despite his best efforts. “You? You’re not really even here. Why would the sky turn purple for you?” He snorts out another laugh, amused by his sister. “That’s extremely humble of you Alicia.”

“Hey now young man,” she says with her gaze sharp. “You just don’t understand my greatness, but the sky does. Purple has signified nobility and greatness for a long time.” Her chest puffs out, clearly full of pride. “Do you know anyone more noble than I?” That sly grin of hers manages to snake its way onto her face again.

“No, I suppose I don’t.” Mirroring that same grin feels foreign to his melancholic state, yet he does it anyways. “That noble self of yours is why I loved you so much.”

“See you understand dear brother. Not only that, but Greek scholars believed it to signify an intense wisdom. And who is wiser than I? I managed to raise a pain like you into a half decent man, didn’t I?”

Jacob lets out a bark of laughter. “You, wise? You’re smart, I’ll give you that, but wise? No, not wise. You did so many foolish things I’d need ten hands to barely count half of them.”

“Hey! Name one foolish thing I did, Jacob. I was extremely responsible.” Alicia crosses her arms and looks away, pouting.

“Oh really?” Sitting up straighter, he leans in closer. “What about the time I had to pull you out of the creek when you rode your bike through it? Or how about when you insisted on throwing a rock at that paper wasp nest, and I had to spend hours treating all your stings.” He grins and her smugly, letting his point sink in. “Those definitely weren’t wise Alicia. In fact, I would call them extremely foolish.”

Letting his smug grim press into her turned back, her shoulders begin to shake a bit. Her hand covers her mouth, trying to suppress a giggle. Try as she might, giggles sneak past her lips. “Oh my god I forgot about those.” She lets her giggles change into full on laugh, clutching her stomach. A cloud breaks in the sky, bathing her face in a golden yellow light. “My goodness I suppose I did do some rather foolish things didn’t I?”

Sitting in silence, Jacob gazes at his sister. Turning away and looking back at the golden sky, he smirks. “Yeah, you definitely did. So many foolish things. Yet, you always still managed to be the responsible one like you said. I don’t know how I would have turned out if you had let me raise myself, especially with mom and dad always absent.”

She poked his ribs with a knowing look. “Considering that despite my best efforts, I just caught you drinking at a public beach, I’d say you’d be in a juvenile detention center right now.” The light bathing her face shifts to a subtle orange color as she looks and him fondly. “But, even if you had I still would have loved you. My dear little brother might go down the path of delinquency, but I’ll make sure to turn you back onto the right path.”

The bench feels cool as he leans back against it. Letting out a sigh of satisfaction, he turns his gaze back to the sky. “It’s nice talking to you again.” Taking a deep breath, he looks back at her face. It’s still bathed in an orange glow, yet her face is melancholic. Her gaze turned out towards the deep blue of the ocean. She doesn’t say anything for a while, just letting her gaze dive under the ocean depths.

“Is it really nice Jacob? Or are you just lying to yourself again?” She turns her gaze towards him, her eyes reflecting the blue of the sea. “Letting yourself believe in the comforting lie that I’m her. That Alicia isn’t gone.”

Turning his gaze away from those eyes, he stares out into the sea himself. His mind was torn on what to say. “I… I don’t know. I’d like to think I’m telling the truth, but I’m probably not.” Taking another swig from his flask, he leans forward onto his knees. “I let myself indulge in the fantasy of talking to you, pretending it’s her. Pretending you’re actually my sister and not just a figment of her that I refuse to let go. The temporary peace it brings is great but…. the crushing absence when you’re gone gets worse every time.”

“Then maybe you should get rid of me. Finally let me go. Let your sister go. How long has it been now? Since she was killed? Almost two years now. Don’t you think it’s time to move on Jacob?” Her gaze piercing into the back of his head feels as cold as the ocean reflected in them.

Another swig of alcohol burns his throat. “How could I do that?” His gaze settles on the sky again. Red streaming down from the sky, bathing his body. “I couldn’t do that. It’s my fault that you’re gone.” Downing the last swig of alcohol, he tosses his flask away. “Alicia would still be here if it wasn’t for me. If I hadn’t been late. If I had gotten home quicker, then she would still be here.” Tremors form in his voice as he holds back his tears and anger.

A soft sigh escapes Alicia’s lips. “Don’t say that, Jacob. If you had been there, it would just have been you who was shot.” She forces Jacob to face her. The soft orange glow changed to a darker red, illuminating the anger on her face. “She would never let you trade your life for hers. Would you want her to be miserable but alive? Would you have her become what you are now?”

Jacob pulls his face back, snorting derisively. “She wouldn’t have turned into this. Alicia was always a lot stronger than me. She would have been fine.” His voice catches in his throat. “Only I was pathetic enough to turn into this. Refusing to let my sister go.”

A long silence stretches between them. Unsure of how to respond, Alicia turns her gaze back onto the sea. Jacob shifts his gaze up towards the sky again, letting himself take in all the vibrant colors. “You were right when you said you were noble. The statement about the sky was so arrogant, but purple definitely suites your noble nature.”

“What makes you say that? I was mostly teasing you when I said that.”

“Well, I mean come one. That noble nature was what got you killed in the first place no? You just had to live out your hero fantasy, didn’t you?”

He grins before feeling Alicia’s finger jab him in the ribs. “I’ll have you know young man, it’s called doing the right thing, not a hero fantasy. I wasn’t going to just let that drunk bastard shoot mom.” She pauses, letting a sigh escape her lips. “She may not have been perfect, but she deserved a lot better than him. You would have tried to stop him too I know you would have.”

“Maybe yeah, but I’m not as brave as you Alicia.” Dropping his eyes towards the ocean, Jacob leans forward onto his knees.

She snorts and shakes her head. “You always have been terrible at giving yourself credit Jacob. You know you’re brave. Far more than I was, but you just don’t see it. You lived your whole life looking up to me that you can’t look at yourself without doubt.” She stands up and looks down at him. The red glow from the sky was still bathing her in light. “You always persevered no matter how much dad berated you. When you were bullied, you found a way to continue.” She huffs angrily, looking out at the sky.

“And then you grew up fully. You took what you wanted without looking back. It wasn’t me who managed to become Valedictorian of the fancy school you went to. It wasn’t me who then managed to get into Stanford. You’ve done things far more impressive than me. Yet, you can’t seem to stop doubting yourself. You need to move on from me and live your life again.”

His gaze falls. “But I hand you during all that, and now—"

“Well, you don’t have me anymore Jacob.” She grabs his shoulders, forcing him to look at her. “I can’t be there to help you anymore.” She looks at him, a feeling of love and sorrow filling her gaze. The left on her face shifts again to a softer orange glow. “You did all those things already. You need to keep doing them, even if I’m not there to help you.” She sinks to her knees, looking at him. “Please you need to move on. Not just from Alicia, but from me.” She runs her hands through his bangs, gazing at his face. “I love you, just like your sister did. But I’m not her. You need to let both of us go and live freely.”

Jacob gazes back into her eyes. “Alright.” Tears begin to flow down his face. “You’re right I do. It’s just so hard.” He pulls her into a tight hug. “Even though you weren’t her, I’ll miss you too.” He squeezes her tight in his arms.

“I’ll miss you too Jacob.” Sinking into his hug she sighs calmly. “Goodbye Jacob.”

Soon, just like every time she was gone again. The crushing absence filling Jacob again, but this time for good. Pulling himself up from the sand, he gazes at the deep purple sunset again.

“Goodbye sister.”