Apprehension

The sound of clapping fills the classroom and I quickly snap back to reality. Fuck, I haven’t payed attention at all. Their presentation must’ve been incredible, the teacher is all smiley and shit. I look at the list and see my group is up after the next one. My stomach twists fast and I let out a small grunt.

“You good?” my classmate asks me. I bite my lip from embarrassment.

“Y– yeah I'm good.” No i’m not fucking good, my hands are vibrating from the stress and I can feel the sweat from my forehead drip down to my thigh.

Normally I wouldn’t even go to school if I know presentations are due, but my therapist said something unforgettable. Or deep or whatever. She told me that I can turn my back on all my problems all I want. But running from them? That I cannot do.

I don’t know, it sounded better when she said it.

But it lit something in me, and ever since that, I’ve thought about actually facing my stupid problems.

I flinch on my insides hearing the claps of boredom coming from each and one of my classmates again. Oh my god?! I missed another fucking presentation! I was supposed to study their every word, to calculate if my group actually understood the assignment. I fidget with my fingers, picking my skin and scratching it uncontrollably. It’s okay, fuck, just listen to what the teacher has to say.

“Though I did enjoy the way you guys have pointed out the despair of having–”

Her voice floods away and I almost like the feeling of it being quiet. Fucking focus! I clench my jaw tightly. The teacher calls on the next group, and as I make eye contact with my fellow group members I smell a light metallic scent. Blood. I look down at my fingers and watch as not one, not two, but three fingers are bleeding. This day cannot possibly be worse.

“Hello? Are you with the group or not?” I look at the teacher and at everyone else staring at me. I nod fast and grab my notes with my bloody fingers.

Thank fuck I am not the opener for this presentation. It would eat me alive if I had to be the first to speak. Though I am the next one. I focus on my group member’s lips and the words coming out of their mouth. Maybe I should’ve written more. Or maybe I should’ve just never fucking come. Stop, you need to do this! You need to get over this stupid fear of being perceived. As my group member finishes, they look at me, hinting to start. I nod, trying to look confident but instead I look stupid. Or I at least feel stupid.

“So, the book has..” I stop at the sight of my notes covered in blood. The words are still visible, but still the red has set off a panic in me, and now that I’ve already stopped talking, there’s no way back.

I’ve already embarrassed myself and I’ve only said four words, fuck!

“Uhm, the uhh.. the book has..” I do the stupidest thing and look up from my notes and to my absolute fucking nightmare, the entire class is not just looking confused, but they actually look like they feel bad for me. I can’t continue. I fucking can’t! Whispers are flowing everywhere around me.

I think she’s bleeding.

The fuck is wrong with her?

This is so sad.

I let out a nervous, quiet chuckle, trying to ease the tension but actually I just made it worse.

“Are you okay?” The teacher leans forward to get a good look at me, but my hair is covering the tears flooding down my face. Why is everybody asking if I’m okay, do I fucking look okay?!

You can’t run from your problems, you can’t run from your problems.

Fuck this, i’m running!

I throw my notes away and run to the door, weeping and wailing. I’ll get over this fear one day, I will. But right fucking now, I don’t want to. I just want to run.

I open the door to the bathroom stall and instantly smell watermelon ice at every corner. Why is everyone in here and why do they always have to smoke these fucking vapes?! I run to the sink, breathing heavily. This was not how it was supposed to go. It was supposed to help me.

“Fuck!” I yell loudly, and instantly gasp at the sight of the girls in the bathroom staring at me. One of the girls in a red crop top takes a hit of her vape and then slowly looks at her friends. I open my mouth, trying to say something cool but instead I close it, defeated by embarrassment. I open the water slowly, flinching at the cold liquid falling down on each of my bleeding fingers.

“Is something wrong?”

I freeze, trying to recall if I heard right. Why is a popular girl talking to me? I gulp as they all come closer.

“Shit, you’re bleeding.”

Three popular girls have now surrounded me and instead of speaking like a normal human fucking being, I stay quiet.

“You know, we can’t help you if you don't even want to help yourself."

Her words slice me hard, but still I don’t say anything. One of the girls sigh and they all leave the bathroom stall, whispering. I look at my reflection, repeating her words in my mind.

You know, we can’t help you if you don't even want to help yourself.

I’m the only one that has access to help myself.. What the fuck am I doing? I’ve actually studied for this presentation and I won’t let anything such as anxiety get in the goddamn way! I stare at myself one last time before I turn around and make my way back to the classroom.

I open the classroom door and everyone turns their head to look at me. The looks on my group members' faces make me gulp. They must hate me.

“C– Can I uhh..”

“Yes?” My teacher's tone is soft and I feel the heat leaving my body slowly. Calm down, just calm down.

“Can I try again?”