Farmers' bane

With an irritated click of my tongue I change my car’s radio again. I need something more energetic to keep my eyes open and on the road long enough to get home to Holly.

She won’t like coming home to a cold house finding neither me nor her father. But divorce is expensive and I need the overtime shifts at the hospital.

One day she’ll understand.

I press my foot down harder on the acceleration pedal, pushing my beat up Citroen faster along the motorway snaking through the immense highlands of Scotland, where I am racing the setting sun.

I have to settle for a radio debate discussing the reintroduction of wolves back into the Highlands.

The topic still comes up every now and then. I remember you talking about it a few times...

Farmers’ bane are wolves, that’s what you used to say. Still, wolves here in my home… funny.

I look outside my car window and enjoy watching the wolves that my sleepy mind has conjured bounding over the vibrant heather that adorns the endless hills. The voices of the farmers or biodiversity people or whatever are getting heavier, softer and warmer, until they stretch into a soft blur of static.

Waking up, I reach to check if Holly has slept with me tonight but I don’t find anyone next to me. I am alone.

A sudden jolt of panic causes me to sit up and look around.

This isn’t my bed.

I’m sat in a bed of spongy moss and springy heather. I take in the forest around me. The pines and aspens are lit by a blue, flashing light that catches in their leaves. The leaves reflect the light somehow… I strain to look closer. The trees’ leaves are shining shards of glass… and they catch the strange blue light and sparkle like Christmas lights.

For a moment I’m back in our living room admiring the Christmas tree we’ve decorated. You and Holly are with me…

You’re sat in the armchair, probably tired of lifting Holly up for her to put the star on the top of the tree. I like this place, but it doesn’t last. You and the vision are gone as quickly as it came.

It’s night-time in the forest, but it isn’t cold. The trees are losing their shards of glass, they fall in my bed and bounce off my head and face. I like the feeling, it doesn’t hurt, nothing hurts anymore…

I snuggle deeper into my warm forest bed, my eyes heavy.

I only notice the noise when it stops. Was it a cry, a siren? I open my eyes again to try and focus.

The siren sound comes back, but this time I know it to be a howl.

A wolf's howl.

Farmers’ bane are wolves…

Oh yes, that’s right! I drag a memory into my sleepy mind, the wolves are back! And they are hunting. Getting closer… but what if they get to Holly?

Holly…

I have to find her before they do.

But the thought of leaving only makes my bed feel warmer and safer… I force myself to my feet and that’s when the pain comes back. The shards of glass puncture my bare feet and the cold bites my skin. My side, my ribs… I gasp as pain grips my body as I stagger out of the safety of the heather and moss.

The blue lights flashing through the forest intensify and the howls sound again, closer this time.

I walk, or try to, in the opposite direction of where the howls are coming from. I am terrified that they will get to Holly first. Each step brings more pain, I could turn back and collapse into the bed.

The bed of heather and moss looks more inviting and there is a wolf curled up on it. The wolf sleeps soundly.

There is still place for me to snuggle beside it.

I stand, swaying in pain, trying to make a decision that I don’t understand. A desperate urge to find Holly pulls me deeper into the forest, but another force pulls me into the soft bed where there is no pain, only warmth.

Perhaps I’ll wake again and Holly will be right next to me, where she should be.

I stand for what seems like an eternity, watching the wolf sleep, resisting the urge to join him.

Eventually, the wolf opens its eyes.

“Well then, seen as you’ve made your mind up. What are you waiting for?” The wolf says. But wolves can’t… can they? This one does.

“I… I don’t know. I want to go find Holly, but my body is broken…”

The wolf gets up, yawns, and walks towards me.

“Then take mine.”

Farmers’ bane are wolves.

“Really?”

The wolf flashes a grin and then, I become.

I become the wolf.

I stand stronger on four legs and the pain subsides. My world becomes alive with possibilities and scents. My god, the scents.

Earthy moss, smoky heather, sharp resinous pine and the musky scent of a warm deer among the nearby earth. It’s tempting to chase… but I focus and sort through the vibrant smells for the one I want, but what do I want?

Then it hits me.

The warm smell of her hair and the clean smell of her shampoo mixed with her freshly ironed school clothes.

Holly’s shampoo, My girl. I’m coming Holly…

I run into the forest, scents rush past me. My pack’s fur, deer trails and evergreens and earthy moss… but I hone in on Holly’s shampoo and I remember how happy I feel when I kiss her warm head.

I bound over the endless hills for hours following her scent, or is it seconds, or days? I flit between trees and bound over rocks, keeping the thought of her shampoo in mind. But there are so many scents..

I smell the lake before I see it, and I am drawn in its direction. The algae, the willows and the reeds are all familiar scents that help me know that there is water nearby.

I burst out of the forest and into the clearing. The moon’s light hits me with such a force it causes me to slow and stop. I feel my energy drain away as I sag to the floor.

No…

The other wolves of my pack streak past my body. My body is human and broken again. Weak, immobile. I mourn the strength, the speed that I had only a moment ago. And the scent I was following, is gone. What had it been, anyway?

My ribs fighting to breathe in heavy air that brings pain with every breath… No!

The cold air grips me as my broken body falls to the cold, hard ground. I’ve failed. What did I even fail at? I ask, as a familiar amnesia descends.

Never mind, it doesn’t matter now.

I don’t need to carry on. I can just sleep… no, well, at least I should rest. So I do.

And I know that if I lay down to rest, the pain and the cold will fade away. So I lay down on my back on the ground and look up at the dark, night sky. I realize that I have everything that I need right here.

Warmth surrounds me, gently ushering away the cold. I let it take me, I close my eyes.

“Farmers’ bane are wolves…”

I smile. Your voice sounds so real in that moment of peace. If I sleep forever now, I will do so with your memory in my mind.

“Clarice, is that you?”

Again, but I haven’t heard your voice in years. Not since we buried you. But I am sure I hear you. My eyes open and I sit up.

Impossible.

We buried you, dad. You are not here. I should just go to sleep.

“Come here and let me look at you. I hope you’ve not put another hole in your school trousers.”

I struggle to my feet, knowing that it will hurt. I limp across the ground and gasp when I see standing by the lake, facing me.

Hope sparks within me. You’re not dead? Did I imagine that we buried you, that I was at your funeral?

You stand tall. As you did before the disease stole your mind, your memories, your body and your life.

You meet my eyes and you smile, but only for a second. Your smile fades and you look confused, worried. I feel a shiver go down my spine. “What are you doing here?” you ask me.

I can’t resist, after all these years. And I don’t want to think about why that is what you ask me. I throw my broken body into yours. Your leather jacket is cold and smells of tractor oil and the cigars you used to smoke while driving the tractor. I break the hug, I’m crying now.

“Dad it’s me, what do you mean?”

You look so young, your hands are so strong on my shoulders.

“Clarice, where is Holly?”

I freeze, and look at you. Holly…

“Holly…” I look down, confused.

You step back into the lake.

“Don’t leave me,” I say.

“You shouldn’t be here. Go back to Holly.”

“I can’t find her, Dad. I tried.”

“She would never leave you Clarice. She is right with you as we speak. Now go!”

I don’t understand. How can she be right with me? I try to think as far back as I can.

Speechless, I stare at you.

“I’m going now love.” Your eyes are shining with tears. “I love you Clarice. But please, please leave this place.”

You’re gone.

Then I understand.

I understand the forest, my bed of moss and heather, the warmth. The siren-like sounds, the blue flashing Christmas lights in the forest. The conversation with the wolf. I understand that she is with me, but I am not with her. Then I just need to…

I push and I search. I reach out…

I don’t pay any regard to my surroundings anymore because I buried you, dad. I will not stay in this place when Holly is…

Where is she?

Then a familiar scent comes to me. The scent comes back to me, Holly’s shampoo.

I just have to focus on this one thing… But how do I leave this place? I rock my body, trying to shift my heavy mind from keeping me from waking. I try to scream and rock my neck. Her smell, her smile, her hug.

I can reach her, if… I reach out…

…

Darkness.

I am on my back. But where am I?

I can’t speak.

Slowly, I open my eyes. My vision is poor. The light is dull. But I am in a hospital room. The hospital where I work…

What happened to me?

I try to move, but my body is numb and doesn’t respond. But I feel a movement on my chest, and something soft tickles my neck and chin.

Could it be…

Then the most wondrous smell comes over me. The one I have been searching for, was here the whole time. It’s coming from her hair which tickles my lips, her head is resting on my chest.

The hospital bed squeaks as the weight on my chest lifts and I can see my girl.

Her seven year old face is puffy and red from crying and exhaustion, but when I look into her eyes, her face transforms. Shock, then delight sings through her and she lets out something between a cry and a choke and throws her arms around me.

“You’re awake!” She cries, her voice snotty. My broken body can’t return her hug but my heart is singing and pouring my love into her.

You were right. She didn’t leave me for a second.

“Found you.” I whisper, as she cries into my neck, her body shaking against mine.