Asinine Affections

CW: Strong language and themes of and/or references to suicide, violence, and mental health issues

"You have to find my children! They murdered my children!"

Gage gazes at the screaming , middle-aged man from a distance, enraptured by his strange, rag-doll movements. The man sways back and forth like a drunk ballerina, yelling into the night sky.

"Those wretched AA batteries, the scums of the earth, have my children trapped in Chinese lanterns! You have to find them!"

Gage sighs in pity. He hated seeing people mentally decline and he hated it more when they got to this point. How long did this man spend descending into madness? Why did nobody help him? What kind of world would allow its guests to fall this deep into despair, to the point that help becomes impossible?

He mutters through gritted teeth. "This is the problem with the world; carelessness. I hope he gets the help he needs before he does something drastic."

Ironic coming from a man about to commit suicide.

He turns back to the edge of the cliff and its depths below; the last thing he'll ever see. He's prepared for this moment for months yet an instinctive fear looms over him. For a moment spectral hands shackled around his ankles like the earth was trying to lock him in place and beg him to stay.

He couldn't help but chuckle while shaking his head at the attempt. Where was this when it mattered; when he had a home to go back to; when he had someone, something, anything worth staying for? Why try to stop him now?

"They're hiding kids in Chinese lanterns and lacing accordions with fentanyl and none of you wretched, vile creatures of earth even care!" The man's voice sounded a bit closer, not that it mattered.

Gage takes his final breath.

"You!"

Something violently pulls him back from the ledge, forcing him on his back. The man towers over him, fuming.

Through gritted teeth, he growls. "Vile, wretched human scum of the earth. Do you even know how to wipe your own ass?" He spits on him, right on his face.

Gage doesn't have the energy to wipe it off, he just lets it slide off his face.

Instead he took in the man's appearance. He wore a torn white suit that exposed the third-degree burn on his chest. His hands were also burned making his white nail polish pop. Maggots and ants crawl in his dark, matted hair while his matching eyes glared at Gage with unsettling focus.

"Why were you standing near that ledge? Did you hear the angels calling?" Before Gage could answer, the man adds. "The real angels. Not the AA batteries that pretend to be angels so they can lure kids into Taylor Swift's basement and turn them into Chinese lanterns their amusement."

The flies that surround the man buzz to fill the silence.

The man picks him up by the shirt with minimal effort and holds him to his face. "Answer me, you wretched sinner!" His breath smelled like mold, curdled milk, and cigarettes. "Do you hear them?"

Gage nods so he'll let go.

The man's expression immediately softens into a curious gaze. "Did they promise you power that was stolen from you as a child?"

Through a combination of fear and irritation, Gage collects the energy to respond. "No?" He scans the man's face for approval.

"Good. That's what those fake angels do." The man looks Gage up and down before dropping him on his feet.

"Did you hear my cries earlier? Did you hear me cry over my kids earlier? Did you hear me cry over my children being turned into Chinese lanterns by AA batteries."

Gage shakes his head, trying to avoid the man's unyielding stare.

The man circles around him, studying him like an architect looking for mistakes. "Hm, you do lack the mark of the beast." He trails off and looks at his neck. "You are not lacking in marks however."

He traces his finger along the burns that covered his neck.

Gage clears his throat, "Oh, yeah. Got trapped in a house fire."

"The circumstances?"

"Psycho ex talking about 'bathing me in the light of God.' Burned my house, my car, everything." Tears threaten to form but he swallows.

He lightly taps the burn before licking it gently, sending shivers down Gage's spine. His tongue carefully navigates the burn, as if looking for something. Without moving, the man whispers, "Yep. Definitely the Light of God, no mortal scum could taste this heavenly."

Something inside Gage flutters and smiles. Something deeper inside yearns to kill that feeling.

As Gage starts walking backwards towards the cliff, the man pulls him by the waist, bringing them face to face again. The air suddenly grows heavy and the night sits still. The flies held their breath.

"It's a sign." The man whispers to himself.

"What?"

"I must be on the right track. God knows of these disgusting batteries and sent you here to aid me on my mission." He starts to laugh. "I mean, come on! I just happen to run into a handsome man who just happens to hear the same angels I do, just happens to be also burned by His light? No, this must be be a sign! God wants me-no-us to bring these wretched monsters to justice!"

Gage wanted to halt this crusade before it starts but found himself partially agreeing. It's just one too many coincidences. Besides, the worst thing this man could do would be something he deserves; although, he didn't know why he deserved it.

"This is so fucking stupid." He mutters before nodding to the man. "Sure whatever. Lead the way, Mr…"

"Mr?"

"Well yeah Mr, you have kids."

He grits his teeth. "Had." He takes a deep breath, collecting himself. "Jason."

"Gage. Now where are we going, Mr. Jason? "

He rolls his eyes and off they go!

Somewhere.

…

"It's a sign!"

Jason was right; that is, in fact, a sign. It reads: Waffle House. They stood in the mostly empty parking lot, besides another homeless person that slept beside them.

Gage gives them the only thing he has: his wallet. Not like he needed it.

Jason tilts his head in confusion. "He wouldn't do that if he were you."

"I know, it's just nice to be nice I guess."

"You remind me of my wife."

"You have a wife?"

"Yeah, don't you see the suit? Today was supposed to be our 10 year anniversary. 10 years ago I wore this suit as she walked down that aisle. It was the best day of my life."

The jealousy Gage didn't know he had faded.

Jason continues. "She was sweeter than butterscotch, that woman. Throughout the two years we spent actually married, she never once made me question her love for me and the world around her. If she wasn't with the community, giving back to people who didn't give a damn about her, she was at home painting with our kids." His voice cracks. "Technically it is our anniversary; we never officially divorced. She just went insane. I don't know she just went insane over some fucking anime, doing weird blood rituals for one the characters; lacing our food with something so we can 'meet them too'."

After a brief pause, he sighs. "But, it's just the way life goes; it's random, confusing, but there's always something new happening. For better and for worse. For me, that 'better' is you." He gazes longingly into Gage's eyes.

After holding his gaze for a moment, Gage blushes. "And the 'worse'?"

Jason points at the sign.

"You know they won't let you in, right?" Gage ruffles his own hair, trying to get him to do the same.

He does, sending maggots all over his suit. "Yeah, they set a bomb that will take out the country if I step in. They know better than to let me in there; I know their secrets."

"Are they with the AA batteries?" Behind his subtle sarcasm, Gage actually did want to know why they were here. All Jason told him was "The truth will set them free, free like Sonic the Hedgehog!" afterwards he began rambling about how Shadow is basically Jesus which had something to do with the current state of the economy.

"What? No, of course not! Are you crazy? They're with Taylor Swift and she's with the AA batteries. They have the coordinates to her basement on a sticky note somewhere in the back."

"Did someone tell you that?"

Jason nods.

"Who?"

"I don't know actually. Anyway, I need you to find a way back there, listen to the angels, they'll tell you. I'll go check out the dumpster." He takes Gage's hand and kisses it. "Good luck, I love you."

Gage quickly makes his way inside, rushing to the restroom and locking the door behind him. He jumps at the sight of his reflection in the mirror, confusing it for someone else. He stares at himself for what felt like 50 years. He watches his blonde hair fade to white and his baby blue eyes fade to gray; or maybe the circles just made them look darker. An ear-piercing siren assaults his ears; his vision blurs as tears drown his eyes. The deep hum of the fan becomes the soundtrack to the black and white sitcom of his life where he wasn't even the main character anymore, not even a side character. A family erupts in laughter outside: there's the laugh track. He starts to wonder if he really did die earlier and this was some asinine afterlife. After all, he's never been in control of his life, why would his death be different?

He lays down on the floor and stares up at the ceiling for a half an hour. When he eventually leaves the restroom and bumps into a worker, almost knocking her down.

"Well, excuse you!" Her name tag reads: Angel.

He sighs. "Do you guys have a sticky note I could borrow?"

She kisses her teeth. "Not this again. Let me guess, your boyfriend sent you here for some dumbass AA batteries. "

"He's not-" He groans. "Not exactly. He said something about coordinates for Taylor Swift's base-"

The family gasps from behind her. Her hand clamps over his mouth. Her eyes go wide and her pupils expand as she leans in to whisper. "How dare you just sling our lords name around like that. You ought to know better."

He looks at the family for help but they all simply stare back at him like porcelain dolls. On their necks, the initials TS are tattooed in purple.

She slowly drops her hand and makes her way to the back, motioning for Gage to follow.

The back is plastered with Taylor Swift posters on the walls, life-sized statues, and vinyls where the tiles should be. It smells weirdly fruity.

"Smell that? Mhm, that smell right there is our great Goddesses' delectable aroma, Wonderstruck!" She takes a deep inhale and moans softly. She fans herself and swallows. "Let me stop, before I get all worked up."

Gage drags his hands over his eyes. "(Yep, this is hell.)"

"I noticed your boyfriend watching us and had to pull you here to set the record straight." She puts a hand on his shoulder and speaks carefully, like a teacher repeating instructions to a child. "Our lord and savior has nothing to do with those sick AA freaks. Nothing. I don't give a damn what he told you, She is perfection, do you hear me? Swift is good all the time and all the time Swift is good!"

He stares in disbelief. "There's no way they actually exist? Is there actually someone turning kids into fucking Chinese lanterns?"

"Is that what he told you? Boy, I wish that was it." She takes a deep breath.

"AA stands for 'Articulate Angels'. They've been going around churches, bars, everywhere really, taking people and fucking up their minds. They promise them power, power they were supposed to have when they were kids, power far beyond anything you can imagine. The second you even consider taking that power; it's over with, they got you. Taking over their thoughts, pretending to be angels, making people obsess over shit. I saw a man become so obsessed with snails, he carved up his wife and made her skeletons into his 'shell'" She gags. "Even worse, these motherfuckas are-" She gags. "-disrespecting our queen! Those damn sickos."

After an eternity on silence, Gage giggles to himself. "What the fuck am I doing? What is happening?"

His giggle grows into a painful laughter, falling to the floor in hysterics.

"Hey, if you think that shits funny, you can-"

"Of course it's funny! Do you not hear yourself?" His eyes water. "First, it's my house, then it's my car, then some psycho that's in love with me, now whatever the fuck this is?" He stands up and looks at his hands. "Is there anything I can control in my life? Of course not, I can't even control when it ends!"

Angel starts to interject but he cuts her off. "Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving."

Before he walks out the door, he yells. "Also he's not my fucking boyfriend!"

He finds Jason standing in the same position he left him in, as if frozen in time.

"Sorry, I couldn't find the coordinates. They were so stingy."

The crickets chirp in response.

"Yeah, but hey I defused the bomb, maybe if you go talk to them, they'll-"

"You didn't say it back." His voice sounds distant, like the words lose themselves to the wind once spoken.

"What?"

"You didn't say it back."

"I-"

"You didn't say it back." He repeats in the same, unnaturally consistent tone.

He continues to repeat it as he walks closer to him.

Gage matches his pace, moving away. "Look, you don't want a guy like me. I'm a mess, man."

He breaks into a sprint and doesn't look back.

…

He stops somewhere deep in the woods, branching off the nearby hiking trail. Gage himself didn't even know where he was. He's resting on a nearby tree when he notices a shed in the distance.

Part of him wants to investigate but why should he? It doesn't matter. Nothing does.

His eyelids grow heavy. He thought about going back to the cliff but he's too tired to kill himself right now. As he drifts off to sleep, he jolts as leaves rustle nearby. Thinking it's Jason, he holds his breath, carefully checking his surroundings.

He sees someone wearing all black enter into the shed, carrying a large suitcase. After a few moments, the Japanese Sonic X intro blares from inside, shaking the shed.

When it's finally over, the woods revert back to it's previous silence, which now seem more deafening then the music. After a few moments, it continues again from the beginning. It loops three more times before another noise fills the silence: a gunshot.

Gage lets it get halfway through another loop before running to the shed.

Upon opening the door, he is greeted by a corpse covered in peanut butter, sitting on a Sonic-themed gaming chair in front of a Sonic-themed with its head split open. To the left on the desk is a dusty treadmill (both Sonic-themed of course) and to the right is an erotic Sonic body pillow covered in peanut butter with a hole right at his anus. Laid plainly on his desk was silicone-based lube, tissue, multiple jars of smooth peanut butter, and a laptop connected to a speaker playing the Sonic X intro. Judging by the rags it dawns, this was once the homeless man he gave money to.

He takes a deep breath. "Money well spent I guess." Gage laughs aloud. It wasn't funny, but he laughed. Maybe the AA got to him, maybe he was just depressed. Either way, someone should've intervened. Even if this was his life, strange as it was, he still deserved to live it.

In fact, life being strange is what makes it worth living.

Gage feels a hand on his shoulder but a weight is lifted off it.

He sighs. "Hey, Mr. Jason." He turns to meet him face to face, mere inches away from each other.

"Hey."

The loop ended.

Jason breaks the silence. "Look sorry for what happened earlier. I lost myself."

"It's okay, that can happen without a hand to hold on to." Gage takes his hand and kisses it. "I love you."

He smiles. "I love you too."

They lose themselves in each other's eyes for a moment. Which was ruined by the music looping again.

Jason looks in the shed. "What happened there?"

Gage shrugs and turns it off.

Jason follows in, taking in the absurdity. "Wow, talk about insanity."

Gage chuckles. "Blame the AA."

They share a laugh.

"Hey, Jason?"

"It's Mr. Jason to you." He smirks

Gage rolls his eyes. "What were your children like?"

Jason ponders that question for a long time before answering.

"I've never had children."