Cotton candy bed.

It isn’t true that my mattress is made of cotton candy, I have poured water on it a lot of times to prove the point, yet I find myself needing to prove it again and again.

“Are you sure? why don’t you check one more time?” the voice of doubt speaks to me.

“No” I shake my head.

“Yes” it protests.

It makes me uneasy, somehow I get physically ill, going in this back and forth I get nauseous, I curl into a ball pulling my arms and legs together, I shut my eyes and immerse myself into the darkness.

But then it makes the voice more scary, and the room more cold and small, then it starts to feel like I am drowning so I open my eyes for air what feels like a second before i pass out.

I sit up heart still racing and count from ten stopping at three then I decide to go to the washroom to pee which made me want to go to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

“Can’t sleep?” I hear someone ask, I know who it is, It’s my dad, I turn around to face him and smile slightly.

“Yeah” I reply, there is no reason to lie. That’s what I learnt recently, to lie only when necessary.

“Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?” he asks, I want almost to say no but then I don’t want to go back to my room and see my could be cotton candy bed, so I nod my head instead and his face breaks into a smile.

“Okay, something particular in mind?” he says heading to the bookshelf to pick, I follow walking behind him.

“Something about Christmas? Something about birthdays?” he asks and I consider the themes in my head.

“Something about families? Something about moms?”

“Mom?” I repeat, the word kind of makes me dizzy but he continues just considering the options, his eyes and fingers moving across the spines of the books.

“Let’s take this bedtime stories one” he says lifting off a pink, glittery, girly themed book. I stare at the title written in big cutesy cursive letters, ‘Beauty and Brave Bedtime tales’ it read.

“Beauty and Brave” I thought lingering on that combination, Beauty and Brave, maybe I was neither, but I was definitely not the later, why else would I need my dad to read me a story at the age of twelve? A lame excuse of a story for me to escape my could be cotton candy bed?

He heads to the living room and I follow, he sits on the sofa and I sit next to him, watch him enthusiastically flip through the book, considering the options, I pay close attention too as if I am also considering the options.

Once he found a suitable option he nods his head and begins to read, it is an interesting story, about a princess, a beautiful princess, she is also brave, she makes her family happy. I close my eyes as he reads on, slow and heavy, I see myself as the princess and it makes me smile, I travel deep into that land and somewhere along the way i fall asleep- I always do.

The next night though isn’t a good one, I try to be brave but I lose the fight against the voice of doubt, it wins and I yield to it’s wishes, I hold the glass steadily above and let the water trickle down, I observe closely, a cotton candy bed is tricky to spot, they tend to be elusive, I watch it as it absorbs the water, it is not supposed to do that, maybe it’s because it isn’t?

“that’s what it wants you to think?” the voice confirms.

As the last drop trickles down dad opens the door and yells my name, oh no I am in trouble now, we talked about this, no more water on the bed, my heart starts to beat so fast it feels like it’s about to jump out of my chest, I lose my grip from the glass and it falls down and explodes, just like my heart.

Dad rushes in and grabs me, I cry begging for his forgiveness, I am sorry, I won’t do it again, It won’t happen, I promise. He shakes his head and carries me out of the room, I cry some more, a lot more, I can’t see, where is he taking me, I scream louder and beg him to give me another chance, he wipes away my tears and shushes me,

“hush hush” he whispers,

“hush hush little one” he coaxes.

Then he begins to sing a song, a familiar song I know it, I reduce to sniffling as I listen, I remember, I feel, it makes me warm inside and my heart slows down, I stare at his smile and smile too, he goes on for what feels like forever and I don’t mind. In the end he say “that was scary” I nod my head to agree. He then play bites me and I play fight him.

“I am hungry” he say

“I am not food” I laugh.

“Oh, then lets go get this food” he says

“Okay” I reply and he carries me into the kitchen and drops me on the dinning table.

After our meal I ask him “Am i going to school today?”

“No” he shakes his head.

“Are we going to the doctor again?” I ask, he looks at my face intensively.

“Don’t you want to go to a doctor?” he asks and I nod quickly.

He becomes quiet as if frozen then moves to sit beside me and holds my hand, I am scared of what he would say, I am scared that the would say I must go to the doctor, the bad, mean doctor who would tell me terrible things. Instead he says “ We are not going to the doctor, don’t worry”

“We aren’t?” I confirm in disbelief.

“ We aren’t” he says with a head shake. “We would go somewhere fun, somewhere to play, I would be there with you too” he says and that makes me smile, play is good, I love that.

“Promise?” I ask.

“Promise” he replies.

The place looked like a hospital but I didn’t see doctors, I didn’t see medicines or needles, yet I was scared. Dad held my hand and told me I was safe, he won’t leave me he said, I believed.

At the place- I don’t know it’s name, I was asked “do you draw?”

“Yes” I said and we did that, us both.

We also played and we talked, we talked about mom, my mom. At first I didn’t know, it felt wrong, I looked at dad a lot, he didn’t like to hear much about her before. It’s because she was gone forever he said, it made her sad. It made me sad to, and something else I couldn’t identify. I didn’t like her leaving but I understood, I didn’t like her leaving but I understood, but then I don’t know, sometimes it felt like I didn’t which felt strange.

It’s normal said the other person who was there, the one who asked us on the games and on mom. Dad said he felt it too but I do not believe him, he didn’t look like anything but brave. At the end she said “would you like to come again next week?”

“Yes” I nodded, “it is a nice place as daddy said” and we hugged which also felt nice, but the nicest thing of all day, is dad saying I didn’t have to sleep in my room with my could be cotton candy bed until I was ready. “You could sleep on my bed in my room, if you don’t mind, there is enough space for the both of us” and that almost made me cry.