In Amongst the Leaves

CW: Self-harm, Physical violence, stalking, emotional abuse/blackmail, mental health

The crunch of the leaves from the bush out back was music to my ears as I jogged through the path to the beach. The sandy opening got wider the closer I got. Its picturesque view reminded me of why I loved coming out here, even if I didn't want to. Not a single troubled thought ever entered my mind. The crashing of the gentle waves and the feeling of the salt in the air touching my bare skin was heaven for me.

It was as if the breeze blew away all my troubles and replaced them with freedom. The wind powered through me, and sure enough, I was on the last two hundred metres to my tree. My legs burned, aching for a break.

I should’ve stretched first.

But as I neared closer, an eerie feeling kept me moving forward. I headed further and further down the beach, my legs no longer burned. My heart raced. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead.

I gotta get back. I have to chuck a uey. I can’t be out here. I should’ve brought my bloody phone.

As I made my way back to the tree. I slowed and locked onto the dark figure that stood watching me at the base of the tree. Its gaze followed me as I kept on running. Just as I was about to lose sight from a bush, the figure stepped onto the beach.

The tall figure became clear, and I bolted. My legs burned as I sprinted as fast as I could. My heart felt like it was about to explode. There was no way that this was happening.

Kaleb.

I hadn’t seen or heard from him since the hotel. That was four days ago. Part of that was being in police custody, and quite possibly the flight home. His silence for the rest of the time was probably planning for retaliation. I was anticipating that whatever it was, it was bound to be extreme.

I couldn’t risk continuing my run. I couldn’t.

Push. Push. Push.

‘Oh. My. God,’ I huffed as the sand turned to dirt. I was almost home.

A few metres ahead was the concrete path, and I drove my feet harder and harder into the hardening ground beneath me.

I fumbled at the coded gate, unsure what Kaleb’s capabilities were. For all I knew, he drove his way over and was around the corner, ready to choke me out from behind.

He isn’t violent. You’re worrying for nothing.

I thought back to the other week, how he behaved. My blood boiled, and I slammed the gate shut behind me.

As soon as I was in the safety of my own bedroom, I tossed my phone on my bed and collapsed on the ground. Chest heaving. My clothes clung to me, beads of sweat still rolling down my body.

My phone had been sounding away the minute I fell to the ground.

I crawled on the hardwood floors to my bed, my legs still feeling like jelly.

Kaleb: Knew you’d be on a run today, just had a feeling

There was an attachment sent. My hands began to shake as I tapped on the file. Sure enough, it was me, in my Mercedes F1 team jersey and black leggings.

Kaleb: Aww, did I scare you?

Kaleb: I didn’t mean to. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to talk.

Kaleb: Damn girl, didn’t know you could run like that.

A video file popped up after the string of texts.

There was a bitter taste on my tongue, and a wave of nausea washed through me. He has reached a new low.

‘He filmed me!?’ I yelped.

I ran out of my room and to the bathroom, heaving puke into the toilet bowl.

‘Everything okay, sweetheart?’ Mum asked as she ran to the bathroom.

‘Yeah, just pushed myself too hard. Didn’t help that I didn’t give myself enough time to digest my food.’

She nodded and headed back out. I pushed the lock pin in, scared she’d come back around.

I couldn’t tell her.

The embarrassment was real. Too real. Like a siren blaring that ignited panic from deep within. There was nothing left of me anymore. I felt like a shell of a person.

I collapsed to the ground, horrified at his lengths, as yet another image came through.

He was in the trees?

What was his deal now? Hasn't he done enough with the police officer for a welfare check? When he showed up at my hotel room, he earned himself a trespass order. Now stalking and making me feel threatened?

What do I do?

Kaleb: Payback is a bitch, isn’t it? Never call the police on me again.

Kaleb: Do you understand me?

Kaleb: I said, Do you understand me?

Kaleb: Hello? Bitch?

My phone shook violently as I tried to open the collection of images he had sent. As I maneuvered my hand around my phone, my sweaty palms made the one-handed task almost impossible.

‘Fuck,’ I muttered as I almost dropped my phone on the tiles, gripping the phone with both hands before it hit.

Keeping a death grip on the phone in one hand, I shakily tapped the collection with the other. Only to find multiple photos of me from a boudoir photo shoot I did for him in the early stages of dating.

There was only one thing that I could do.

Me: I understand.

I left the bathroom, tail between my legs, as I headed back to the comfort of my bedroom.

As soon as I had crossed the threshold, my door was closed and locked. I pulled my late grandma’s crocheted blanket over my shoulders and wrapped it around me. The soft mattress shifted under my weight as I moved to sit against the wall, letting myself stare out the window to the bush behind the house.

‘I was wrong, so wrong,’ I whispered.

I was well and truly in danger now. Kaleb had stooped to a level I didn’t think was possible. Yet, my heart and my brain were not united.

‘Logically and realistically, I should go. He’s threatened me. The police would … But I love him.’

You were taught to obey with a smile, not to disrupt peace. This is your own fault, McKenna. You disobeyed him.

I opened the blanket up and pulled my legs to my chest, wrapping myself back up in the comfort of my grandma’s memory.

‘The officer’s wrong. This isn’t abuse, it’s just punishment.’ The words tumbled out like vomit.

“Sit there until you decide that you are done lying,” Mr Ohm, my grade seven teacher, said.

“Yes, sir,” I replied, my head hung low.

I looked over to see Harriet mouth “I’m sorry” except ‘sorry’ meant nothing. She could’ve backed me up, said to Mr Ohm that I wasn’t lying, that Max and Bec were bullying me. Instead, they stood there smirking at me.

‘Punished for standing up for myself is an absolute joke,’ I muttered. ‘Keeping my mouth shut worked, why didn’t I — Why didn’t I just stay a selective mute with him? Why?’

‘You deserve this,’ Kaleb’s voice echoed in my head.

My fingernails dug eight little crescent moons into my calves with every deep breath I took. The stinging heat was a comforting feeling; my muscles relaxed.

‘I do deserve this,’ I repeated.

There was a knock on my bedroom door.

‘What?’ I called.

‘You okay, honey?’ Mum asked.

No, my boyfriend is emotionally abusing me, stalking me, and blackmailing me. I need you, mummy.

I dug my nails back into my calves as I said, ‘Yeah, everything’s fine, ma.’

That was too convincing.

My stomach churned again. I dug my nails further into the skin.

‘Okay, Kenny,’ she said. ‘Want me to make you a lemon and ginger or peppermint tea?’

‘No, thank you, mum, I’m just going to chill for a while.’

I shakily reached for my phone and saved the images into a hidden folder labelled: “For when I decide it’s time”.