I am as real as you are

A machine beeps steady at my side and a soft breeze caresses my face, making the ends of my hair tickle my skin. As my eyes open I am greeted by the morning sun, its rays spilling in from the open window. When was the last time the sun shone so brightly? Ever since I could remember the sky has been a dull grey. And the air! So… fresh. Not the slightest hint of that chemical smell or the bitter taste it leaves in your mouth. My attention turns to the beeping and the machine it belongs to. I am no stranger to hospitals and their equipment, I have had my fair share of visits, but this machine is nothing like I have ever seen before. Sitting up to get a better view I am wowed by the size of the machine. A tall solid steel cylinder stands at my side, it has ridges and grooves but no screen and no tubes. Although it has an antenna-like rod on the top, no cords connect it to an outlet and no buttons are visible. How are the staff supposed to use it? What is it even for? Since it beeps like a cardiac monitor I guess it has something to do with my heart. I put my hand to my chest to touch the electrodes that should relay my heartbeat to the cylinder, but I find none. No electrodes, no IV drip, no other tubes sticking out of me. I do not even have a bracelet with a patient number, or my name on it. Yet, when my heartbeat rises and my breath quickens the beeping intensifies as well. Growing louder and stronger. My eyes dart around the room, the walls are white and bare except for the window. Nothing other than the cylinder sticks out. No clues to where I am.

I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and am reminded of the ache in my spine, and the nausea that quickly follows. I had forgotten, as always, when I woke up just how bad my illness has progressed. On shaky legs, muscles straining to bear my weight, the gap between me and the cylinder shrink. When my hand makes contact with its cold metal surface I can feel a simmering vibration and as I lean in closer I can hear a distant humming.

“You’re up”

My body goes rigid as my head snaps in the direction of the calm voice. A young pretty woman stands at the other side of the room. Clad in white with her hair put up in a bun. A nurse, I suppose, but without medical instruments. No stethoscope hung around her neck, not even a pen sits in her useless breast pocket. If the tag on her shirt had not said “Nurse” I would just as well have thought her to be the receptionist. As if frozen in time the woman, allegedly a nurse, stands smiling at me. Her smile seems strained, like the action is an active choice of hers and her shiny eyes never leave mine. An unease creeps up my back leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“ Who- Who are you?” I croak out, clearing my throat to get rid of the discomfort the words have left.

Finally she moves. Taking even steps right towards me with her arms hanging by her sides. Still with the smile etched on her face. Something about her movement creeps me out. They seem too even, too perfect, too calculated. Unnatural. She reaches out to me but I jerk back.

“Who are you?” I demand and this time my voice holds. With her hands raised in a gesture of retreat she says in a silky smooth voice.

“I am your nurse, I mean you no harm. Lay down and we will discuss your future treatment.” She ends her statement by clasping her hands and gives a big smile that shows all her teeth, but her glinting eyes remain unchanged.

It is as if the parts of her body move independently but not together. There is no flow to her motions. When she walks only her legs move, her arms do not swing and her torso stays upright. If only to put a bit more space between us, I do listen to her and get back into bed keeping my eyes on her.

“What´s your name?” I ask

“My name is not important. As you kn-” I cut her off by saying

“I insist” I look her over but she gives no indication of being annoyed with me but I feel a certain tension. “Knowing a bit about my nurses always makes me feel more comfortable with them, please tell me” I add.

She freezes like before but her face remains neutral, no emotion visible. A huff leaves her lips before she answers me.

“Since you insist. My name is Alexa, I have worked in this clinic for 8 years now, I have a dog and I prefer snow to a sunny day. Will you let me explain your situation and our treatment plan?” The smile is now back on her face and I feel one of my own forming as I meet her eyes for the first time.

They are striking. And so bright. Not only are the irises bright but the whites of her eyes as well. Apart from the fleeting rays of sun her eyes seem to be the only sources of light in the room.

“Alright tell me” I let out a breath to prepare myself for the news.

By now I know the procedure like the back of my hand. She will tell me how the last round of radiation did not help. That the tumor is very stubborn and is only held at bay. That another round is needed. Then I will be left alone to wait for the doctors to take me to my treatment. After I wake up, it all repeats.

“Okay, take a few breaths this may be hard to hear” I almost roll my eyes at her words. She continues “As you know, your cancer is at an advanced stage and has not responded well to previous radiation treatment” I nod along to the words I have heard before. “And as a result you were put in a medically induced coma. It is completely normal not to remember.” Her voice is still calm and soft when she tells me this but it can not lessen the shock that hits me.

“A coma? For how long?” This is not at all what I expected and the sudden worry stains my voice.

The beeping from the cylinder makes itself known again as my pulse quickens and my breathing turns panicked. Alexa backs up and pulls out a black sleek remote as I struggle against the tears. Through the tears in my eyes I watch as she pushes a button making the cylinder respond with new noises. Its beeping stops and instead emits a kind of vibrating humming and the rod on its top starts to blink in a dim yellow light. Suddenly I feel a prick in my neck followed by a small tone and something starts moving. An instant calm spreads through my body. Heart steady and controlled breaths. With my eyebrows knitted and mouth slightly agape I turn to Alexa who stands smiling at me again. This time she looks utterly amused and lets out a laugh as she says.

“Forgive me, your surprise is, though warranted, a little comical. Technology has come a long way since you went under. This tool” She gestures to the cylinder. “has, among other functions, wireless neurotransmitters which connect to a chip in the back of your neck. That same chip relays your heartbeat and vitals as wel-” Her voice fades out as she continues explaining the cylinder but all I hear is its humming.

Did she say that I have a chip in the back of my neck? I feel it pulsating in my neck and I know it is working hard to keep the shock, fear and anger from expressing itself. Like putting a lid on a burning fire are my emotions being suppressed, kept from being felt but still there underneath. Perhaps some of them slip through, because Alexa pushes another button and the cylinder is visibly trembling and the humming grows louder. Now I feel completely fine, no worry or fear at all. But my mind is running wild. My thoughts are freaking out but my body is not. The trembling in my neck grows, turns deeper, as if embedding itself in my flesh. As I reach to touch my neck Alexa suddenly steps forward, hands reaching out.

“Please do not scratch at the chip” her eyes dig into mine and I freeze. “You may touch it, but the chip is actively working its way into your nervous system.” I run my finger along the circular bud that sticks out of my neck, it kinda tickles. Alexa continues. “Scratching might disrupt its course and cut off vital neurological patchways. Which could result in paralyzation, cognitive decline or even death.” As she speaks her eyes seem less harsh and the full-teeth smile settles back onto her face.

The way her voice keeps calm and soft even when telling me how the chip they have put in me might be fatal is so surreal. She speaks as if cooing at a baby and not like she is trying to calm a worried patient. The previous humming of the cylinder is now more of a heavy grunting, clearly fighting to dampen my anxiety. Just as I feel a spark of emotion it is quickly extinguished and I feel numb. My mind screams that this whole situation is dangerous and that I should run, hide or fight back, but my face is blank. Alexa appears to notice and takes a different approach as she gets closer to the bed and leans in close.

“I understand that this situation must be incredibly scary and difficult to grasp, but I ask you to please try to calm down.” This time there is a clear understanding and pity in her voice. At that my mind and the cylinder both settle down in a quiet humming. I meet Alexa's eyes as she continues. “You were put into a coma 74 years ago, a time when the earth was crowded and dying. The skies were filled with smoke and the forests were empty dirt lots.” I nod as she describes the world I know.

I remember the day the news reporters told the world that the last tree of the Amazon rainforest had been felled. The protests that ensued, chaotic, and how the government struggled to silence them.

“Since then humans have evolved. We figured out a way to survive and it all comes down to the Vitada chips, like the one you have been implanted with. With them humanity was able to download into computers and wait until the earth had recovered” Alexa’s eyes seem to shimmer and widen as she speaks in awe of the chips and I give in to my curiosity.

“If all humans were put into computers, what happened to their bodies?” My question makes her gaze zoom into mine, suddenly serious and thoughtful. A few moments passed before she answered.

“Their bodies were made anew.” Alexa is back to her neutral state but something in her eyes catches my attention and I barely register what she has just told me.

I could not see before but now when she is this close I can see it clearly. The whites of her eyes seem too even and round to be organic. While the pupils of her eyes look normal the irises look like glass with a metallic sheen. They reflect the light like the lenses of a camera and I realize that is just what they are. With the cylinder affecting me it is not hard to keep the revelation to show on my face and I quickly grab Alexa’s hand. It is stone cold. Not cold like when you walk outside without wearing gloves. Cold like there had never been any warmth there. Cold like the dead. The humming grows stronger while I squeeze her hand and Alexa breaks free from my grip, but not before I feel something hard beneath the cold skin. Something much harder than bones. We lock eyes, both wide and I wonder if Alexa’s chip is working as hard as mine.

“Are you real?” My question sounds small, like a simple statement. But we both know it is anything but.

“I am as real as you are.” I scoff at her answer. She gives no reaction.

“You are not human, not flesh and blood. You're a machine, metal, perhaps the chip in your neck gives you the delusion of being alive but I am not fooled.” I speak harshly despite feeling the chip’s tremble all the way down my spine, fiercely trying to cool my words.

Alexa’s eyes narrow as she stands up and I manage to catch the clenching of her jaw before it is hidden. With the same silky smooth voice as she first used what feels like so long ago, she says.

“If I am not real, how come I can stand here before you? Speaking? Breathing?” She huffs out demonstrative deep breath. “I might not have the fragile flesh and bones that you do, but I have the same brain functions, memories and emotions like a human. I love, mourn and laugh like a human.” Her words are firm, final, but I do not retreat. '

“Do you have a brain? Or parents? Were you even born?” Silence. It feels as though years pass as the only thing we hear is the cylinder, but we never break eye contact.

The melodic chirping of birds breaks us out of our trance. Outside I see two birds flying around, the one chasing the other. Flying up then down, left then right. So smooth and careless. They appear to be dancing an intricate dance with each other, dancing to a song only they understand. I can not remember ever seeing an alive bird before. A sigh from Alexa brings me back from the thought.

“The chip in your neck is downloading every bit of information in your brain. Memories, speech patterns, random facts, all of it. The plan of treatment includes putting your chip into a synthetic body. A machine as you put it. Without it you will die. I will leave you to think over your options.” Right after finishing her sentence she swiftly turns on her heel and leaves me with the humming cylinder and dancing birds.

For the first time in so long I actually felt alive. Perhaps it was the cylinders work. Perhaps it was that for the first time since that first doctor's visit I had a choice. And not a choice between letting the cancer kill me or let the radiation hollow me out to a shell beyond recognition. No, this was a choice between dying but dying as who I am, and potentially being healthy again but having these things pluck my memories and put them into a machine. Would I actually be me? Sure, I would gladly get rid of these bones that have caused me so much misery, but at the same time are my bones not the very structure of my being? Yet, I can not help but wonder how it would feel to wake up and not being reminded how weak my body has become, how little time I have left. How it would feel to be able to walk without pain, to breath without nausea. As I watch the blue sky and the dancing bird I think of what this new world could entail for me. Will I get to live freely, without the poison of the old world? So I ask myself, what even makes me human? And Alexa’s words echo through my mind “I am as real as you are.”