Again

[SENSITIVE CONTENT: active shooting situation, death, grief]

That was the nice thing about arriving to a concert just a little late – by that point, the first opener has already started, so there’s not a second of having to go without music covering the chatter of the crowd. And the stadium was packed, too, so there was chatter aplenty. 

Teddy was so in her element. Sure, she was a little bit younger than the typical crowd for this band – she was the only fifteen-year-old she knew who liked this stuff, anyway – but with her new stompy platform boots that her mom got her last Christmas, she had no problem navigating her way through the sea of people as everyone poured into their seats. 

Having her mom there to guide her by the elbow helped too.

“Still with me?” her mom asked, her voice warm and sharp enough to be heard.

Teddy gave her mom a thumbs up, earning her a chuckle. 

It took ages finding their seats, but Teddy wouldn’t dream of complaining. This close to the stage, these tickets could have easily run them close to $400, but the person they bought them from just wanted them gone so settled for a measly $100 each.

She’d only ever been in the nosebleeds before. This was a whole new ball game.

On stage, the openers grinned and took their bows. “Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight,” the frontman said, grabbing the mic stand as he said his final words. “We’ve been Boyfriend Jeans, and we’re so so so excited to get to introduce our next band here tonight… The people you all actually bought tickets to see… The Hot Toddies!”

The crowd erupted in cheers, and, as the lights lowered, Teddy could feel her body physically buzzing with how much excitement she felt.

One note from a plucked electric guitar rang out, amplified by the stadium speakers, and a hush fell over the crowd. Slowly, surely, the tone crescendoed, adding more notes until a fully formed chord filled the entire room, recognizable as a dramatized version of the beginning to the most popular song on the newest album. Around the room, little gasps of recognition could be heard with each passing second. She wondered if everyone around her could feel the anticipation as a physical sensation like she could.

Near the wall, across the stadium, some odd movement caught her eye. There was a tall man standing just inside the exit door framing, shakily raising up… something…?

Suddenly, something like an audible crack reverberated around the room, echoing sharply even as much of the crowd continued to chatter in confusion. Then, a horrified scream cut through the noise, and the crowd around them erupted into chaos. 

“HE’S GOT A GUN!” Teddy heard someone shout.

Her heart hammered in her throat, and, instinctively reached out to grab her mom’s wrist, only to feel it slip from her grasp as her mom was pulled away in the crowd. She could hear herself screaming, begging for her, pushing forward, but the noise of panicked feet hitting the concrete drowned the sound out to even her ears.

“MOM!” Teddy screamed, her throat raw. “MOM!!”

A few feet ahead, her mom turned to face her. Relief flooded her features. “Teddy!”

It all happened too fast, yet impossibly slow. Completely helpless, Teddy watched as another bullet whizzed through the air, just narrowly missing her before embedding itself into her mother’s chest. Her blood looked sickly red as it splattered out of her.

“MOM!” Teddy surged forward, following her mom to the floor as she collapsed. “Mom, mom, please… stand up…” she sobbed. “Mom!” 

Her mom coughed, and looked up at her. “Teddy…?”

“MOM!” Bursting into tears, Teddy collapsed into her mother, holding her tight and crying into her shirt. “Mom, come on, please, you have to get up, we have to get out of here!”

Her mom coughed again, and a little blood came up. 

Teddy sobbed in despair.

Weakly, her mom pushed at her arms. “Teddy-bear…” she wheezed, clearly putting in significant effort just to get the sounds out. “You have to go. Baby, you have to go.”

Teddy pushed up just enough to stare at her with an incredulous, half-offended expression. “No! No, no way. I’m not leaving you here, I’m not.”

Her mom pushed her again, too weak to actually move her.

Teddy’s bottom lip wobbled shakily. “Mom…”

Another shot rang out, causing a loud metal crash as it hit one of the lighting fixtures that were suspended from the ceiling. People everywhere were running and screaming, chaos incarnate, but Teddy felt glued to the floor, unable and unwilling to stray from her mother’s side. The room reeked of gunpowder, now. She could taste blood in her mouth. She didn’t move.

Above her, something creaked dangerously. She didn’t move.

Above her, a loud crack sounded. Around them, people screamed and scattered further.

“Go,” her mother whispered. “Let me go.”

At the last second, as her mother’s grip on her arm went terrifyingly slack, Teddy allowed herself to look up. Through her tear-blurred vision, she was barely able to register the sight of the massive sparking lighting fixture falling straight for her. 

She squeezed her eyes shut. She did not move.

In her last moments, all she could think was, I wish I could do this whole thing over.

To her surprise, though, the blow never came. She waited for a good minute, expecting death at any second, but when she didn’t find herself crushed under metal support beams and shattered glass, she opened her eyes cautiously, terrified of what she might see. What could she expect, but carnage and horror beyond her teenage comprehension?

Instead, she found her mother standing in front of her, with her familiar features twisting into a slightly amused incredulity. No wound. Still breathing. Vibrant and utterly alive. “What’s that look for?”

Teddy’s heart fell into her stomach. Strangled, all she could say was, “Mom?”

Her mom laughed good-naturedly. “Who else would I be, Teddy-bear?” Grabbing her wrist, she continued, “Now come on, if we don’t get moving we’re gonna miss the whole opening set.”

Eyes widening, Teddy froze in place. “NO!”

Her mom’s face scrunched in confusion. “You don’t wanna go inside? Baby, you begged for these tickets for months when the tour was announced.”

Teddy’s eyes darted nervously around the room. Everything was exactly as she had remembered it – the people milling about the concourse, the muffled sound of the opener’s song through the stadium walls, even the smell of the oddly flavored popcorns at the stand upstairs. Had she just imagined all that? The sinking feeling in her stomach told her, no, she didn’t. 

“I…” She faltered, knowing how crazy she must sound. “I want to go home.”

Her mom just stared at her. “Teddy.”

Teddy tightened her grip on her mom’s wrist. “Please, mom… Let’s just go.”

Her mom thought for a moment, then sighed, slipping her wrist from her grip. “You know I don’t love pulling rank on you, baby, but we spent $200 dollars so that we could come tonight. Let’s just go inside, and we can see how you feel after a few songs, yeah?”

“Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight!” the front-man’s familiar voice rang out. “We’ve been Boyfriend Jeans, and we’re so so so excited to get to introduce our next band here tonight… The people you all actually bought tickets to see… The Hot Toddies!”

Teddy’s throat seized up as the crowd erupted into cheers. Helpless in her mother’s grasp, she was pulled into the stadium, and that same chord of impending doom filled the space just like the fear was filling her body. She couldn’t help but tremble and pray that somehow, everything was going to be just fine. They’d both be home safe in a few hour’s time. 

Then, the same shots rang out again, and Teddy knew that she was wrong. 

They never made it to their seats, but, just as it had happened before, a stray bullet embedded itself near-instantly into her mother’s chest. The blood, just as before, spattered sickly red across the too-expensive shirt she had bought just for this occasion. Her mother, just as before, collapsed on the floor, too feeble to move even as Teddy desperately tried pulling her to her feet.

“No, no, no!” Teddy cried, pulling at her mom’s arms with all of her strength. “Please, you have to get up, you have to! We have to go!”

Her mom coughed, and blood trickled down from her lip. 

“MOM!” Teddy screamed.

Inside her body, something warm and static-like was growing, pushing out from her abdomen like a terrible heat. Had that happened before? Did the bullet get her this time too? Frightened, she forced herself to look down, only to see a shower of golden sparks emerging from her, yet, if her mother (or any of the crowd-members screaming and running around them) could see it, her glassy eyes didn’t show it. 

This can’t be real, she thought. This isn’t real. None of this is real. 

Just like before, her mother went slack in her grip. 

Sobbing, Teddy wrapped her arms around herself and squeezed her eyes shut tight again, carelessly shoving her hands through the strange sparks. What did she care if she got burnt? Her mother was dead, and, if the first go was any indication, she probably would be following her. 

But again, when she opened her eyes, she was in the concourse.

Her mom, alive and smiling brilliantly at her, said, “What’s that face for?”

Teddy was probably staring. She could feel her eyes open too wide to be comfortable, almost stinging as she blinked back her tears. Her body still felt so tense, like it was still being attacked, and yet everything was totally fine. Her mom was alive. It hadn’t happened yet. “I…”

Once could have been shakily explained away as déjà vu , but twice in a row? Twice, forced into the same horrific event, only to be pushed back to the start?

Had those strange sparks done that?

Teddy looked down at her stomach. Normal. Nothing golden or shiny.

Her mom’s expression faltered, turning a little strange. “Teddy-bear?”

The nickname was enough to snap her attention back up, her expression suddenly serious as she zeroed back in on her mother. “I’m hungry. Let’s go upstairs and buy an outrageously-pretzel and a really big soda.”

“What?” Her mom’s face scrunched up in visible confusion. “Baby, you just downed an entire plate of ribs at the restaurant, how can you possibly be hungry right now?”

Okay, this is good, she thought. If I can just keep her talking, maybe I can keep her out of the stadium for long enough. 

Teddy offered her mom a crooked, shaky smile. “Guess I’m just a growing girl, haha…?” She met her eyes expectantly. “Can we go, please?” For added emphasis, she placed both hands on her stomach, as if to say, please, it’s rumbling. 

Smiling and digging into her pockets, her mom said, “Tell you what, I’ll give you a twenty, and then you can run and grab that pretzel while I find our seats, okay?”

“NO!” Teddy shouted. Then, realizing the intensity of her voice when several bystanders turned to look, she shrunk a little and continued, “Please, can you come with me?”

Her mom sighed. “Sweetheart, you’re fifteen years old. I think you’ll survive being separated from me for five minutes.”

That’s the thing, Teddy thought, staring at her mother with hopeless, miserable eyes. I’ll be fine, but I don’t think that you will be.

Her mother placed the twenty in her hand, then turned away from her, stepping just inside the stadium. “You’ve got this, Teddy-Bear. My big strong girl.”

Please don’t go, she thought. Maybe this time her mom would hear it.

Then, the crowd erupted into their tell-tale cheer, and she knew that she hadn’t.

Again, bullets whizzed wildly through the air, and the large room erupted into ear-splitting chaos of screaming and running. Again, Teddy pushed and forced her way through it all, just to watch as her mother was shot again, again, again. What could she do, then, when the golden sparks returned to her, but choose to try again?

Time here was precious, Teddy realized. Whatever magic had brought her here had only given her a few minutes’ head start, and if her mother wasn’t going to listen to her, then maybe taking things into her own hands was the only way through. 

“I’ve gotta go to the bathroom,” she said bluntly the moment she opened her eyes.

Her mom smiled at her. “Okay, I’m gonna go find our seats then, before the main-act-only crowd starts pushing in. Do you remember the seat and section numbers?”

Teddy nodded, knowing full-well that she didn’t need to. 

The second her mom disappeared into the stadium, Teddy took off toward that exit corridor, the opposite direction of any bathroom in the building. That strange guy, he must have been the one shooting, so if she could just get to him, she’d… do what? Wrestle him to the ground? Get the weapon away from him? She wasn’t even an athlete – even sprinting like this was causing her lungs to seize up in her chest.

She pushed through it. 

Bursting through the doors, she stopped at the bottom of the stairs, swaying unsteadily as she struggled to catch her breath just feet from the man. For one second, she allowed herself to believe that everything was fine this time. He looked just like a normal stranger. Then, she saw the outline of his fingers curled around the gun in his pocket, and she found herself filled with so much anger that her body felt like hot coal.

“You,” she snarled. “You’re the one who hurt her.”

Surprised by the noise, the man started to turn toward her, but Teddy broke into a sprint before he could finish the full revolution, ducking just low enough to grapple the man’s legs and bring him toppling to the ground. “STAY DOWN!” She screamed, scrambling for the gun.

“Stupid little bitch,” the man spit. “You don’t know who you’re messing with.” To emphasize his point, he drew his knee up hard into her stomach, throwing her off him entirely.

The man scrambled to his feet, and drew his weapon. “Didn’t your mommy ever teach you to stay away from strange men?” Before she could answer, however, he pointed the gun up at the ceiling and shot three times.

Around them, the crowd broke out into screams.

Teddy groaned, pushing herself to her feet with only her anger to fuel her. “Don’t…” She groaned, feeling the tension from the newly-formed bruise with each move of her muscles. “Don’t talk about my mother.”

The man, ignoring her, shot off another round into the crowd.

“STOP!” Teddy grabbed his legs, desperately trying to tug his feet out from under him. It was no use, however, because the man easily shook her off, kicking her in the jaw as she went down. She watched, horrified, as two of her teeth clattered across the dirty concrete. 

“Please…” she said weakly.

Flaring his nostrils, the man turned back with a huff and shot her once, twice in the abdomen. She hardly felt it at this point, even as blood oozed through her fingers and onto the floor. She had never seen this much of it before. “Shut the fuck up you stupid little bug!”

Her whole body ached. She couldn’t move. Was she dying, too?

Teddy could do nothing but watch helplessly, anger and frustration pouring from her body with each ounce of bloodloss, as the man stalked through the crowd, setting off shot after shot. Was her mother out there too, lying on the floor just like she was? Was she already gone?

Had she been alone?

Teddy’s eyes stung. Four tries, and all she had succeeded in doing was making sure that her mother died surrounded by strangers, wondering where she was. Was there even a chance they both made it out of here alive? Or was she stuck, frozen inside a cursed blessing, choosing to relive the last moments of their lives over and over again until she did something wrong?

Again, the golden sparks appeared, strangely tickling the open wound. 

Please, she thought. I just want one more moment with her.

When she opened her eyes, her mother’s hand was on her check, inspecting her face with care-filled concern. “Teddy-Bear, are you feeling okay?”

Teddy’s gaze drifted down to the gaping wound in her mother’s chest. They were already on the floor. She had already been shot. It was already over. Her eyes welled up with tears. “Mama…”

“You look so tired…” Her mom continued, eyes growing glassier by the second. 

She still hadn’t blinked. Why wasn’t she blinking?

“Mama, please…” Teddy sniffed, moving closer to press her hand against the wound, letting the blood stain her skin. Pressure stopped bleeding, right? “C’mon, let’s just get up, let’s go, before he comes back, please…”

“Shh, it’s okay…” Her mom pulled her close, pressing a kiss into her hair before murmuring, “It’s okay, I’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. You can rest now, baby.”

Teddy bit back a sob. “I don’t want you to go.”

She could feel the sparks forming against her stomach, tingling and hot between the two of them, but she couldn’t bring herself to unwrap her arms from around her mother to restart the cycle over again. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t let go yet. 

“I know, baby.” her mom said, weaker and weaker by the second. “You’ll be okay.”

Her body went limp in Teddy’s arms, and, for the first time that night, she could hear the sirens.