Can you hear me?

As usual everything is dark around me. The continuous ticking noise is the only company I have, and it always gives me comfort to hear it. It was the first noise I heard the moment I came to be. I don’t know how long it has been as the first times I got aware were short and there were only sounds in the beginning.

It still is a strange feeling every time I start hearing and seeing my surroundings. I have discussed this with Clarissa so many times because for her it is different. Unlike me she doesn’t only have occasional episodes of awareness. Her day is about surviving and she is always out and about exploring and discovering, hunting and hiding.

All of a sudden there is a flash of light which I should be used to because it happens every day over the last weeks I’ve been self-aware. It always startles me but as I can’t move there is usually no detectable reaction.

“Uh!”

It was me making this sound. Slightly muffled and nothing like the sounds the humans make who are living in this space but still audible. But the human who has just entered the room doesn’t seem to notice. Instead, as usual he is scuffling over to the place where the humans get their food. Clarissa has explained to me that weird habit of the inhabitants of this space. They need to eat to keep moving and I wonder if that is the reason why I can’t move as I don’t seem to feel the urge to consume anything at all.

The human takes out several boxes from a cupboard and takes the few steps over to the table where he starts eating while there is a hissing noise coming from a water cooker which is slowly getting louder. The human is a male and Clarissa told me that the small offspring which is sometimes in my room are also male. There is no sight of a female human in this room and Clarissa told me she hasn’t seen anyone like this since she started living here.

The water cooker stops with a noticeable clicking sound and I wait for the human to get up.

“Your water is ready!”

It isn’t a thought this time, but I said it out loud again and to my horror the human looks in my direction with an irritated look on his face. Did he realise that I said something? What is going to happen to me if he finds out that I can speak?

Clarissa told me that humans don’t react well to changes around them especially when they don’t fit in with their habits or concepts. Apparently, she once tried talking to one of the small humans and instead of an interesting conversation she almost got killed. She told me this story with a snort and disdain in her voice and called it a youthful folly. At that point I hadn’t known her for long, so I had tried to support her derogatory way of speaking. But a few days after I realized that she was actually deeply hurt by the humans’ rejection.

“It’s already almost time. Why?! I woke up on time.”

It’s a grumbly mumbling and I breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that the human didn’t catch my comment. But just like Clarissa I feel a pang of regret that I’m not noticed by the man. I must be important to the human as he looks in my direction quite often, but the emotions aren’t always positive. I can see that from the crunched-up face or the sigh which escapes him as if I was telling him off for something he was doing.

As usual he quickly cleans the table of the used food and replaces it with two bowls, two spoons and a box of cereal. I prepare myself to be shrouded in darkness again. This usually happens after the big human is done with eating his food in the morning. Within a few moments darkness descends with the click, and I’m left alone with my thoughts.

Usually, I have nothing to do but stare into the dark which every day gets brighter for some reason. I will have to ask Clarissa about this change as I can’t seem to figure out why there is more brightness coming through the window next to the kitchen table.

Today is different though because I want to test my new ability. I would love to feel around to see if I have grown a mouth but I am still immobile and as far as Clarissa has told me I also don’t have any extremities. So, there wouldn’t be a point trying to feel my mouth.

I concentrate on the sound I want to make and into the darkness between the ticking sound I send my “Ahs” and “Ohs”. Then I try to say different words feeling strangely lightheaded and somewhat drained after I managed to say several short sentences. By the end of my exercise, I don’t hear the noises in the corridor which I usually spot immediately instead I say the sentence “There is cereal on the table.” when the door opens and the two younger humans enter the room. Both of them startle, look to the kitchen table and then turn around to stare in my direction.

Have they heard me? Will they take me away now? Hurt me?

“We’re late! Why do you always take so long in the bathroom?!”

The slightly taller male is talking to the younger one which just sticks out his tongue and bumps into the elder’s shoulder, making him stagger backwards by a few steps.

“I need to look presentable. I’m not like you! I take pride in my appearance.”

The older male’s expression isn’t happy and for a moment I suspect he will retaliate, shove the younger one but to my surprise he instead goes to the cupboard to take out another carton. It’s something they pour over their cereal before they eat it. I try to remember the word Clarissa has used for this kind of food. It was difficult to pronounce for her, saying something like “wilk” or “welk”. Thinking back now that I can speak, I don’t seem to have any articulation problems. I sound just like the humans.

The small humans eat and just like their father they clean the table although the younger male isn’t interested in putting away anything else but his own utensils. It’s always like that and I feel bad for the elder sibling. Sometimes they fight and I’ve heard him complain to his father several times but nothing changes.

They switch off the lights, leaving me again but this time it’s almost bright so I can look at my surroundings. Sometimes there are minor changes but usually I just start counting the spots on the floor or the table, waiting for Clarissa to arrive. Sometimes I also lose my awareness and wake up the next time in darkness. I hope this time I can stay awake as I want to surprise Clarissa with my new ability.

“… and then … can you deliewe it? … I 'ad to jump! I could darely escape. Dut I'we learnt wy lesson! Now I'we truly learnt wy lesson. I will awoid all the corners in the sellar and just stay 'ere. No wore adwentures. This 'owe is safe and there is enough food.”

It’s bright and I must have lost against the power which robs me of my awareness. The constant ticking greets me the same way as the excited chatter coming from Clarissa. It must be quite late in the day as the whole room is filled with bright sunlight. In the ray falling through the window small dust particles are dancing and I can hear the ticking noise getting faster which seems to startle Clarissa as she stops in her tale.

“There is cereal on the table.”

The expected joy and wonder is replaced by a sharp shriek from Clarissa who jumps a few steps back and falls towards the floor.

“Clarissa!”

This time I shout, and the sound of my voice fills the room. It seems to bounce of the walls and then there is silence. I wish I could turn my vision. I try to listen. I know that there is a sound if something hits the ground. It’s a high-pitched sound if glass burst into fragments on the floor, slightly higher if it’s a plate or a bowl. The sound of a ball is slightly duller. And you have to listen carefully if you want to hear a crumpled piece of paper hitting the ground. But there is no sound and I whisper my friend’s name again.

“Ow? 'Ow can you scare we like this?! I alwost lost the liwe there.”

Clarissa’s small body appears in my field of view and I’m relieved. But instead of cuddling up to me as she often does she keeps her distance. I’m somewhat hurt by this behavior and am reminded of the tale that humans don’t like change. Apparently, it’s also the case for other living beings.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. I can talk now.”

Somehow, I can only manage to say these short sentences. The elaborate thoughts and phrases I had prepared don’t leave me, but Clarissa doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, she crawls around a bit and finally settles in a spot where I can see her small body and she’s looking at me with her many eyes.

“Well, that'll wake things wore interesting here. 'Ow do you know what I'we called?“

Now I feel taken aback and a small huffing sound escapes me. In response Clarissa crawls around nervously as if she doesn’t know if she needs to increase the distance between us or not. After a while she stops and I feel sad to see that there is now even more space between her and me. The ticking noise grows slower and fainter.

“You’ve been talking to me, haven’t you?”

There is an awkward pause and with two of her hairy arms Clarissa rubs over her eyes. Then she clears her throat and there is a short, embarrassed chuckle. I know it’s embarrassing as I’ve seen her do this every time she confessed to some action which turned out to be stupid.

“Well, 'w … kinda. Dut it's good now. Now we can 'ave real conversations. So, 'ow long 'ave you deen adle to listen to what I say?”

Clarissa is gone again and I’m alone. Somehow, I feel drained after talking to her for so long. Her speech is more difficult to understand now that I can talk. I almost wish I hadn’t revealed myself.

“Hey! Is there anybody else who can hear me?!”

I shout into the room hoping for an answer from the water cooker or the pictures on the wall. But there is no reaction, instead the ticking noise grows even slower than before. Somehow it makes my thinking foggy, and I fight with all my might against the power which wants to put me to sleep.

It’s the opening of the door under me which pushes away the pending grey in my vision, and I see the small and big humans come back together. They are all carrying bags of various shapes and sizes. The youngest human is carrying a case of bottles. His face is red and I assume that it takes a big effort to bring the case into the kitchen. There is some idle chatter, and everyone seems to be in a good mood.

But somehow, despite the grey in my vision being pushed away, I have trouble making out the words leaving their mouths. They are nothing more but weird noises and instead the ticking noise is getting louder and even slower.

“I’m so tired.”

This sentence escapes me. Far too loudly. The youngest flips around directly at me a small shout escaping his mouth. I want to know what he’s saying but nothing makes sense. It’s almost like trying to listen to Clarissa’s spider speech. Something is wrong. I can feel it and the ticking slows down even further.

By now everyone is looking at me, and I can see the father shake his head. There is an expression of annoyance visible. At least he’s not angry. For a second I imagine how we can live together – the humans and me – have a short conversation in the morning before they leave. I will tell them about Clarissa and the other insects living in their space.

This hope is immediately destroyed by the father who is pushing a chair towards me. He’s climbing it while the boys hold the chair, afraid their father could fall. All of a sudden, the human’s face is near me, and I hold my breath which I didn’t know I could. There is a knuckle knocking against my face and then a diagnosis which I can’t catch fully despite the sentence being said near me.

“… out of energy.”

I’m being lifted off my usual spot and carried over to the table. Being placed there almost gently I can only stare at the ceiling detecting Clarissa who is busy creating her net in the corner of the window. I want to shout out to her if she could help me, but I’m scared to what might happen to me or her. And realistically there is nothing she can do for me anyway. She’s far too small. I might put her in more danger, making her aware of what is happening to me.

The ticking grows even slower and the noises grow fainter. Now the grey haze is creeping into my field of vision again. The older boy’s face appears in my view, but his features are blurred and while I can still see him pointing at me the words which leave his mouth are now completely unintelligible.

Then my vision goes dark. There are two last drawn out ticking sounds before I lose my awareness again.

Like every morning Samuel switches on the light in the kitchen. His boys are still in bed, Riko probably snoring softly while Alex has by now probably kicked off his blanket. Before he leaves for work, he will go into their bedroom, kiss them goodbye, cover Alex snugly again and turn Riko gently to the side so he has less trouble breathing.

As usual Samuel grabs his breakfast from the fridge and starts boiling water. Then by habit he looks at the clock over the door. It’s working again despite using up batteries like nothing the past few weeks. To his surprise there is a small black spider, crouching nearby but no net in sight.

After finishing his breakfast, he looks up one last time before switching off the light. The spider is still there. For some reason this odd combination of a spider cuddling up to a clock brings a smile on his lips.

“Have a lovely day you two!”