Spoons

Spoons

I pushed the door open and the bells attached to it began to shimmy, but no sound was emitted. I walked to the desk which was covered with note cards so numerous they obliterated the glass; “No Checks-Cash Only.” I read the words out loud, which is a habit I’ve been attempting to break; but In this day and age, who carries cash? 

I hadn’t come to purchase anything but return something I had purchased a week previously.  I rang the bell advertising service. No sound registered. I listened intently and could not hear a summoning noise and began to wish I’d just thrown the spoon I had purchased away. But it was too late too late for that, a face appeared in the glass of the door and then someone, if by magic, appeared before me. “Yes?” 

The voice had a tinny quality to it, something I would have expected from the bells attached to the door or the one on the counter. The woman stood behind the desk eyeing me as if I was about to do something or say something inappropriate or possibly she had prepared herself for the rants of a disgruntled customer. “Yes,” the voice this time, transformed to resemble the purr of a cat having its belly rubbed. 

“Good afternoon! Say, I purchased this spoon a week or so ago and it doesn’t do what I was promised it would do. I wish to return it or exchange it for one that does what I was promised. Can you help me with that?... The clerk that helped me last time, I can’t remember his name, said it would do whatever I wanted and…it doesn’t. He was about your height and…he looked very similar to you, a twin perhaps?” I waited expecting a response but the woman just shook her head and looked at me like I was her greatest disappoint in her service life. 

“Did you read the instructive pamphlet that came with the spoon? If you don’t read the informational pamphlet, which explains the necessary preliminary actions by you, its owner, the spoon won’t respond as programed. For instance, did you recite your name backwards, letter per letter, no large gaps between letters, no capitals, just lower-case letters as requested, a security initiative recently installed. It is what is required if you wish the spoon to do what you ask of it?

Did you wash it in champaign before drinking the remainder of the bottle a spoonful at a time, until the bottle is empty?...no matter how long it takes? I could go on but given the number of days since you purchased the spoon, I can only surmise you neglected to fulfil your obligation to the spoon as requested by the pamphlet, and therefore it has failed to provide you with what was promised. Did you even give it a name as requested? It is not an option you realize or it wouldn’t be in the pamphlet.”

She continued to shake her head as though she were becoming more than disappointed and I began to fear she’d turn me into a pumpkin, or worse.  Her face became hardened, resembling a mask; only her eyes moved, surveying the room as if expecting to have someone appear and intervene. Her lips remained frozen in a straight-line of indignance.

“If you are not willing or capable of following directions, I suggest you attend our beginners seminar, it is held every Friday at midnight, 1 am, standard moonlight time depending on your beliefs. That is of course, unless the day falls on either the solstice or equinox, and then it is held the following Friday given there’s no full moon. If there is, then you’ll need to wait until the first month that begins with the letter J, and that is if it doesn’t have any of the previously mentioned exceptions; it’s all in the brochure you were given but obviously did not take the time to read.  Don’t ask me why, the spoon makes the rules, I just provide them to people I trust will take on the responsibility of reading them. My only other obligation is to inform you that returning a spoon has never been done before, nor is it an acceptable practice, therefore it is not allowed. You can throw it away, put it on the wall-a new wave response to modern technologies capabilities, or recycle it; good luck with that. You must understand that people have been known to tamper with the merchandise, expecting to unlock its mysteries and later profit from their larcenist tendencies. It ends badly for them, but then it’s all in the brochure. 

You do see the problem the spoon and I share, and you have now become a part of?” It is why I put so much painstaking work into the brochure, attempting to avoid situations like this one, where you feel like an idiot, and I feel like I’ve wasted my time.”

She unclenched her lips, rolled her eyes at me, and then disappeared through the door. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing; apparently something I was good at, according to her sermon based on my level of incompetence. 

In my defense I’d like to add so much of what is passed off as instructional materials today, are little more than poor suggestions, written by someone who has never had to follow their own instructions and attempting to explain to someone who is relying on their expertise, supposedly in the directions, to be as clear, decisive, and as precise as possible. Most times it’s obvious they have never attempted to follow the directions they’ve created.

I don’t blame them entirely. We all after becoming familiar with something, tend to ignore some of the specific steps required, assuming the one following the directions will instinctively know what you have failed to include, which results of course in head scratching and inappropriate language.  The response, however, is always inadequate in explaining the four screws, two washers, and something that looks like a hair pin, remaining in the plastic bag after the assembly is complete. Making inappropriate faces at the conjured image of the person or thing responsible, hardly improves the situation, nor does it help; I’ve tried.

She returned a short time later with a spoon that she claimed had been pre-programmed to do as I wished; it was a loan, she made that abundantly clear.  “I programmed it to do what you command. There will be no need for you to attempt to perform the necessary steps that you failed last time to do, before using it. I have programed it for you. We are out of new spoons at the present time. Supply chain problems,” she indicated by placing the flat of her hand inches from my face; assuming I’d understand the universal hand signal for stop I supposed. 

“Just what had you expected this spoon to do, if I may ask, had you followed the instructions and given it a name?” Her words were succinct, to the point, and obviously meant to chastise me for my non-attention to her brochure’s contents. I had assumed that being one of her co-workers sold me the original spoon I was attempting to return, she would know what I was expecting. Wouldn’t all magic spoons basically be the same, have similar capabilities?  I wasn’t paying extra for the upgraded version.

She didn’t look as though she were new to the position.  Her name tag was scratched and nearly unreadable. I believed her name to be Dolby, but it could have been Darby, Dubey, or any number of possible letter combinations with D’s, B’s, and E’s. I would call her Dolby unless she corrected me, and then I’d know for sure.

“Dolby, I expect it to stir on command as I was told it would do, alleviating me of having to stand over a bowl of ingredients, what kind and why are irrelevant, in case you were about to ask. I was hoping to avoid wasting twenty minutes of my life, watching artificial coloring, fruit, and gelatin, turn into a solidified replica of the Last Super, once poured into a specialty mold I purchased in Vatican square, and placed in the refrigerator; it’s a classic mold I might add.”

She remained relatively stoic, batting her eyes from time to time but remaining placid and tight lipped, to which I’d become accustomed.

“Will this used or refurbished spoon be able to perform that function, and others similar to it, with the efficiency and the grace I normally demand of my employees? And while I’m thinking of it, how long does the spell work on a… so called loaner?”

She seemed reluctant to give me an exact time or date, so I was forced to pursue my questioning. “I am throwing a party this upcoming weekend, and being recently divorced, which is the reason for the party, I am short of help and was depending on the spoon to perform some of the more mundane tasks, which would save me both time and energy, hopefully allowing me to enjoy my own party.”

She responded, although her lips never parted, “you don’t say!” It was as if she were practicing to be a ventriloquist, and she continued to look at me as though I were the dummy.

“I can assure you, if you don’t change the operational thought patterns embedded in the handle of the spoon, it will perform precisely as you requested. If however, you attempt to use the spoons talents… Oh, by the way, this spoon is named Alice, after the Wonderland Alice, and if you attempt to use her talents for anything other than it is programed for… let me put it this way, I wouldn’t want to be you.”

“What do you mean by other uses?”

“People have been known to attempt to use it as a propeller in a bath tub not designed for massages, and ended up having to remodel the entire bathroom, and the adjoining bedroom and hallway as well. Some of our spoons have developed, how should I put it, retaliatory tendencies. I have no problem with remodeling, in fact I’m a big fan of remodeling.  I actually encourage remodeling, but taking us to court for damages, well that is simply being extortionary. People forget they signed a noncompliance agreement, as did you, that includes legal action for punitive reasons. It prevents them from taking actions against us should they break the protocol prescribed.  It is described precisely In terms referred to in the brochure and given physically to each customer by a sales representative before they are allowed to leave, it states so in the small print.

There was also a customer who attempted to use it in his process for making ice cream Martinis, for distribution out of an ice cream van; you know, the ones with the annoying music. He was prosecuted for soliciting children after indicating he was dissatisfied with spoons ability to hold its liquor. His frivolous law suit was thrown out, because he, like you, had been remiss in reading the operational guide included in the brochure, which I feel obliged to repeat: a sales person is required to give each customer a pamphlet before they are allowed to leave the store. Did you know there is a bar chord on the back of the brochure that allows you to exit the premises by presenting it to the magic eye, which is located on the door beneath the exit sign; I’m sure you remember seeing that? You aren’t vision impaired by chance? No? Well… OK.

What I’m hoping is that I’ve made myself abundantly clear.   If you mess with a spoons intended use, the consequences can be, and often are, far worse than you will have anticipated, not to mention violators will be barred from ever purchasing another item from our list of one-of-a-kind items, and you will be escorted from the store immediately by yours truly or an associate of mine, or perhaps both of us. We use face recognition to facilitate the matter, and yes, we have made a few mistakes, but they were easily remedied by a full body recognition scan, which when customers are informed of its specialties, their complaint usually ends with the potential customer stating that they must have come into the wrong store by mistake; and that is what you can expect if you wish to fail a formal complaint, in so many words. Now, are we clear on what you are and are not allowed to do with this loaner spoon?”

Before he got to his second example, I wasn’t sure my idea of having a party to celebrate my divorce was any longer a good idea; as my neighbor stated emphatically, “you are inviting your x-wife?” He may have been right. Inviting her may be a bit much, it’s only been eight days, 12 hours, and …fifteen minutes since the divorce was finalized, but then, I didn’t expect her to come.

Perhaps I should postpone the party until the Super Bowl; people have usually made their New Years resolutions by then and are less likely to be as irritable as they are before Christmas. I think the Super Bowl still comes only once a year, but then the season has grown to encompass almost every month; it’s terribly confusing.

“So, how long will it be before I’m to return this loaner spoon and pick up my spoon, who I have named Rupert, in case you were wondering if I had skipped all the requirements just to ruin your day.”

“I do not wonder about the things you refer to, I leave that to the spoon. I’m just an employee represented by All Things Robotic, our local chapter of International Union 4589, dedicated to the service of mankind, without having to actually become human. 

Please take good care of the loaner spoon, Herbert has been in the employee of Mysticism, Magic, and Luck, for as long as I’ve been functional. He’s quite a congenial spoon once you get past the initial idea that it is you who are in control. Please come back any time you need assistance and remember to read the brochure first and ask questions later.”

She pulled the door open for me and handed me Herbert, neatly packaged in brown butchers paper and tied with a string. I looked up at the bell hanging from the top of the door and was about to ask about its silence, when she…

“Oh, it’s broken, and probably not what you think it is.” 

I then looked back at the service bell on the counter, and as though she had read my mind, “That’s not broken. The reason you couldn’t hear it ring, is because you didn’t read the brochure. As your bible says, there is a time and purpose for everything under heaven, and if you can’t find the time or purpose, LOOK IN THE BROCHURE; I’m very thorough.”

I hadn’t walked a hundred yards and I noticed the bar code on the package, blinking an ominous red. I turned quickly and looked back at the building; it had…