Joy 3.0

This story contains themes related to grief.

My hands feel like mine, but they don’t look like mine. I’m back to the last time I saw Ma’s hands. Her fingers are so thin.

Perfectly manicured purple cat-eye nails, fidgeting with the clasp of her favourite Ndebele bead bracelet. But these are my hands. When did I lose so much weight? I blink and make eye contact with my reflection in the mirror.

Joy. Focus.

Ma would laugh at me if she knew what I was doing now. But even when she laughed at me, I felt warm. Disarmed. I don’t know how she could laugh like she had no worries in her world.

I unlock my phone and swipe up.

Lunga, 26

His/him

Market Analyst at FYB.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

My interests:

Hiking. Cooking. Football. Comics.

As it was when I zoomed into the poster in the background of his profile picture. It’s been three months now, and we’ve barely spoken over the phone. Our calls consist of “Hey, alive?” every few days just to check in. Like me, he lost a parent several months ago, and I’m more than grateful to have someone who gets how I feel.

He’s a girl’s dream. Even suggested we sleep on call if I’m having a worse day than usual. I can’t do it. That would make this feel too real. And I haven’t told him that losing my mom has given me this fear of losing anyone close to me. So why get close? I sometimes wish I had siblings when he mentions one of his three brothers.

So whenever he asks if I want to call, I tell him I’m busy. I like talking to him but haven’t had the energy for long calls. I like that he understands. I like that I can hide when I blank out. I just stare at my screen sometimes and let the messages send themselves.

And he never asks, “Busy with what?”

If anyone ever asked, I couldn’t tell them what. Besides the app idea I need to present to the angel investors in two days, my nights are filled with scrolling, microwave popcorn and binge watching old cartoons. My days are filled with sleep. It’s too bright around the house, and my room is the only room in our small apartment that feels quiet. Everything else just screams Ma. The Persian rugs in her room and the living room. The green velvet couch. Her giant mugs that hold two regular cups' worth of coffee.

Before I slept last night, I considered coming clean and sharing my fears. Among other things. But the thought of being vulnerable makes my insides want to claw their way out.

I read the quote in his bio one last time. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

My thumb hovers over the message icon to open the chat. I want to throw my phone away.

Breathe, Joy.

I find a message in our chat.

Lunga

Hey. Wanna hear a pick-up line?

Joy

Lol, you’re supposed to just say it.

Lunga

I don’t usually chase people, but for you? I’d put my Crocs in sport mode.

Joy

Mmm. Try again...

Lunga

4+4=8 but you+me=fate

Joy

Lollll. I’ve seen that so many times

Lunga

Man, X_X I thought I was original.

Joy

Lol.

Lunga

So are you a 21 questions type of girl?

Joy

Hmm, Idk, I’ve never really tried it.

Lunga

Scared to fall in love?

I type no without even thinking. Press backspace. Lock my phone.

What do I say? For the past few months. Nothing has clicked. I think they see pain in my face. Grief in my eyes? Or there’s an invisible “Careful. She might just break down mid-conversation and go off about how much she misses her mom” sign hanging above me in my profile picture.

Most of my conversations on Lumina haven’t lasted long. But it’s the only way I can think of meeting new people. Ma would always say, “Joy. I’m not getting any younger. Uphi umkhwenyana wami?”

Being outside is exhausting. Plus, I’m asleep most of the day anyway. The run club is too early on a weekend, and I can’t get myself to get dressed up and fake smile.

I am scared. Am I allowed to say that out loud?

Besides, we met on a dating app, and we’re all just exploring. To fall in love with every guy on here would be madness.

The delusion in me whispers, ‘But he’s different.’

Oh Please.

I pick my phone up again.

Lunga

Too much, too soon?

Joy

No, that just made me think. Maybe I am scared.

Lunga

Have you ever been?

Joy

Lol. Not with someone from a dating app.

Lunga

Oh. Well, buckle up. I’m going to give you the time of your life.

Joy

Lol, sounds like I’m going to need more than a seatbelt.

Lunga

Life jacket maybe?

Joy

Are you going to drown me?

Lunga

Dark. I’m just saying it’ll be a fun ride. Wild. But fun.

Joy

Well, I’ll hop on that ride tomorrow. I need to work on my presentation for the app, I don’t want to leave it until too late. Later :p

Lunga

See ya ;)

Joy

Actually. Maybe let’s do one or two questions before I go?

I want to start writing notes for the presentation, but all I can manage is alternating between scrolling through my gallery and watching the message bubble pop up. It feels like so long ago when Ma and I took a road trip back to campus for graduation. We did each other’s makeup and dressed in matching power suits to take photos in front of the university admin building.

Lunga

What moment in your past do you wish you could experience again for the first time?

I look at Ma’s smile, zoom in, scroll to my smile and I see no difference between the two. She’s wearing the bracelet. I always thought it odd that she would wear it even if it didn’t match her outfit, but I suppose if she should wear something to show her heritage, it should be on a big day like my graduation.

She should be there tomorrow. Wearing the bracelet and standing outside or sitting at the reception, while I state my case to the investors.

Lunga

What are people always surprised to learn about you?

Ma should be next to me. I wouldn’t have to explain my inspiration, they would just see it in her. I know she’d ask at least one of them “Uyazi i-Figma? My girl is soo good at this programming and creativity thing. She can code. Make a good graphic design for you now now. And if you want to start filming these meetings, I know a guy.”

I made this app for her, and tomorrow is D-Day. I don’t know if I can even walk through those doors tomorrow without her. I keep glancing at my phone, but I’m not present. Maybe it’s time to say Goodnight.

Joy

Lol. Goodnight captain.

Lunga

Captain?

Joy

Of the boat ride lol.

Lunga

Oh. Lol yeah. Don’t forget your life jacket tomorrow.

Joy

I won’t.

—

D-Day’s eve

I take my earbuds out and place them on the bedside table. Ugh. Why is it so easy to lose the case nowadays? I thought I put it on top of my journals right here when I went out. Or did I toss it into the laundry basket? The now familiar Lumina ‘tidoo’ pulls me out of my frantic rummaging.

Lunga

Ready for Question 13?

Joy

Ready. Can’t believe we’re on 13 already.

Lunga

Right. I’m enjoying this.

Joy

Me too.

I have not been paying attention.

Lunga

What do you think could be the biggest challenge in our relationship?

Joy

I’ll have to think about that one.

Lunga

Yeah, it is a tough one. For me it would be distance. I suck at this long-distance thing.

Joy

Hey. I hadn’t thought of that.

Lunga

I don’t like to think about it too much. I’m starting to like you.

So, how are you feeling about your presentation tomorrow?

Joy

I’m still deciding if I’m gonna go. I don’t know if I can do it without Ma.

Lunga

Hey. I know it will be one of the hard ones, but you’ve worked so hard to get here. You can do this.

Joy

Thank you. For real. I don’t speak much to anyone about it, so consider yourself part of the inner circle.

Lunga

I should leave you to it, hey?

Joy

I’m still here. Besides, I just need to finish my slideshow, and then I’ll be ready.

Lunga

Wanna practice with me? We could hop on a call later this evening?

Joy

*runs away* Omg, I’m shy.

Lunga

Come on. It’ll be fun. I promise to be honest if you suck.

Joy

Hmm. Okay. Call you at 8?

Lunga

Sure.

Joy

Okay, I’ve got one for you. Who would you call if you were in trouble?

Crazy. He’s becoming more involved in my life than I ever thought he would. I didn’t think it would actually happen. Our connection feels as real to me now as the clothes spilling out of the laundry basket. Or the growing hole from the missing beads on Ma’s bracelet. I keep forgetting to tighten the latch. Every time I hold it, it leaves four or five tiny beads in my hand.

I didn’t know that I would find something worth my time in the third month of trying this Lumina thing. Well. Someone. Is it that we’re both grieving? He gets the whole can’t-get-out-of-bed, sorry-I-missed-your-calls feeling, which is why it’s made it so easy to talk. Most of the time.

I want to put my laptop on the bedside table, but it’s occupied. I’ll just stuff it under the pillow. If she saw the brown bag, Ma would be on a rant right now. Yesterday’s Coke Zero is now a watery brown, and condensation pools at the base of the cup.

She would say, “The delivery driver for tonight is already on his way and you still have yesterday’s crumbs whispering to you.”

Lunga

I’d call my Uncle.

Joy

What about your brothers?

Lunga

Lol. You forget I’m the firstborn.

Joy

Yeah. Fair. What’s that like? I think the older I’ve grown, and the more I felt like Ma’s sibling. You know, it just being the two of us for so long after my dad left.

I turn to my comfortable side. It’s another 30 minutes before dinner arrives, but I can barely eat. My stomach is in knots. It takes everything in me to finish the last slide and text him.

Joy

Okay, I’m ready.

“Joy.”

“Yes.”

“Show us what you’re all about.”

I stifle a laugh. “Well, I created this app as a one-stop shop for event vendors.”

My brain locks into my presentation. For the ten minutes of my presentation, all I hear is the sound of my voice and all I see is the lavender, blue and beige of my slideshow.

“I don’t know what I was expecting but it’s great. I think you might need to slow down a bit but wow. You speak well.”

It feels like my heart is being tickled—a welcome change from the heavy, dull feeling I’ve had for the past eight months.

“uMa would be proud.”

“Yeah. She’s my inspiration.”

“I can tell.”

“Yeah. For family and friends, she was the go-to event person. And she knew so many people, you could even ask her for an ice sculptor, and she’d know someone. So I’m kind of trying to bring everyone together in that way, but also making something that loads of people will be able to use.”

“Why don’t you include that in your presentation?”

“I’m scared I’ll cry. I don’t think there’s anything more unprofessional.”

“I mean, I get you. But it would really make your idea shine that much more.”

“You think?”

“And you don’t have to go into the details. You could just mention that your late mom was into events and inspired the app with her multiple connections. A one-sentence type of thing.”

“You’re my hero. Where have you been all my life?”

Lunga’s warm laughter spills out of the phone. It’s a laugh I could listen to forever, much like Ma’s. More boyish, but it has that carefree quality to it.

“But seriously Lunga. Thank you for listening.”

“Hey, any time. That’s what Lumina friends are for.”

“Yeah I doubt there has ever been a case like this.” I close my laptop and hold my phone up to see his face.

“You never know. I mean I joined because my cousin met her bestfriend on here. I was super skeptical of this thing, but it’s who you find that makes the difference.”

“Yeah.”

Maybe I should take the time to tell him now? But how? How do you tell someone you’re not as present as they thought? That you don’t just use your tech-savvy brain to make wholesome apps. You coded an AI version of yourself, and things got out of hand.

“Like I genuinely never thought I’d find an Asterix and Obelix fan in this day and age.”

What is he talking about? My breath stops in my throat.

“I thought I would lose that part of my dad but now I have someone to share it with.”

I messed up. I hope he doesn’t take this further.

“Yeah”, I feign a chuckle, “I’m the Asterix to your Obelix”.

“I genuinely couldn’t believe it, reading our texts.”

I didn’t reread all of our chat.

“You okay? Sorry. Let me change the subject, this isn’t grief share.”

He feels it. The fact that I’m holding my breath. I should end the call now. I switch off my camera.

“So, what flavour cupcakes would you want to celebrate?”

“Oh. I hate cupcakes. I hate cake… I prefer-”

“Wait. I thought you said you love black forest cake?”

Cake? Of all the things. I thought I mentioned my dislikes when I programmed this thing.

“We spoke about it yesterday.”

“Uhh-”

I open our chat, scroll, click the search bar, type ‘cak’ it’s not loading fast enough. It suddenly feels too hot in this T-shirt.

“Hey?”

“I think there’s something wrong with my network. I can’t hear you. Let me call you back.”

I should throw my phone away.

Joy

I’m just going to restart my wifi.

Do you wanna text so long?

Lunga

Not really.

Please no. It’s going so well. I’m going to start paying more attention. I really, really like him. Now that we’re clicking, I won’t mess this up. Why didn’t I read the chat?

Can I call again?

I press the call button before he does.

“Joy. How do you forget something we spoke about just last night? Last time you changed from having multiple allergies to none. And there was that chat about your favourite books.”

“I just forget things sometimes.”

“But it feels like you have no idea what I’m talking about. Like I’m speaking to a different person.”

It would be more convincing if I were telling the truth.

“Who are you?”

How did we get here?

“What do you mean?” I stall.

“Am I being catfished?”

“No, of course, not, it’s me. It’s been me, I mean we’re speaking over the phone right now.”

“I know. But we had a whole conversation about it. I even teased you for liking such a weird cake flavour. It’s like I’m speaking to someone different.”

I’ve got nothing. This is so bad. He’s going to hate me.

“Is this even the real you?”

“Partly”.

“What do you mean partly?”

“I mean exactly that I-.”

“Are there two of you? Who have I been speaking to this whole time?”

“It’s me. We’re me, I just-”

“And I thought I was the wild-ride…”

He’s going to block me. Report me as a suspicious criminal on the Lumina app. Find me on social media. Trash my name. Get a restraining order so we never meet.

“I’m sorry.”

I don’t wait for his response. I cut the call and uninstall the Lumina app that very second.

How do I tell him I found a way to connect Joy 3.0 to our chat and have her respond when I want to speak but can’t? I just made sure she knew enough things about me to hold a conversation. And she could use any of my information from my social media if she needed to. I thought she'd be better than Joy 2.0. I forgot to read the chat. Yesterday. A month ago. And there was that other time.

How did I get here?

Lunga

[Decline] [Accept]

I can’t do it. I lock my phone and place it beside me. Please let him give up. How do I even begin to explain?

Black forest cake?

No. I open my inspiration app and scroll until I reach Ma’s birthday surprise.

There it is.

The only cake picture I've ever saved. It's Ma who liked that cake, and I always teased her for it.

What a glitch.

I lock my phone again. Hoping he won't call.

Lunga

[Slide to answer]

“Did you delete Lumina?"

“Maybe”

“Did you also forget that I have your phone number?”

“I’ll understand if you never want to speak to me again after this.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’ll just say it as it is.”