GREY

Clears throat

"Listen Jenna, if it was up to me, I would've said yes, no doubt. It's just I told you the company is trying to re-shape their vision. This story is great, really....... it's just not one of the genres they're pushing for their new look. I'm really sorry, I'll send it to the team for re-consideration for the next planning period to see if they'll change their mind then, ok?"

"Ok, I appreciate it - truly. I'm just frustrated because this is the third time this period I've been rejected. Don't I only have two more tries until they drop my contract?"

"Unfortunately, you are correct. But I wouldn't have taken you on last year if I wasn't completely confident in your abilities. Don't sweat it, it's just a road block. It's not the first time something like this has happened right?"

"You're right.."

"Hey, don't forget, it's not easy to start a new series after having a successful run. The audience doesn't see you as a WRITER yet, just THE writer of your old series. Show them you're A writer, artist and are not just that one series."

"Thanks. I suppose you're right. I'll get going now, I have a lot of work to do, the next deadline is next Friday, right?"

'Yeah it is, have a great weekend kid, see you next week."

I smile at Mr. W, ---- He's been so supportive, since I signed with them. I think his constructive criticism is ACTUALLY constructive. The moment I am out of his sight, I let out a weary, defeated sigh. The truth is, I see behind his mask of lies. He's nice, almost too nice.

I walk back to my car, recalling what I overheard in the staff lunchroom,

"Did you hear? Someone told me the managing director wants to let Jenna go! Apparently all of her pitches have been awful. I overheard Manager Nolan talking to Agent W, he said unless she gets another hit by the next publishing block, they'll let her go!" Tania said worriedly.

"No way. I can't believe it, I loved her series! She totally has her own style, unlike other writers that just follow the same outlines by the managing team. I think it's so cool she's paving her own path as an author" Mani exclaimed.

"Well, obviously! Everyone agrees on that. She's totally revolutionary, but what happened? I read her last competition piece, it was decent but nowhere near to her capabilities. I mean she placed 4th, which is pretty amazing but I really thought she'd take first. The story was decent but missing that SPARKLE that her work typically has." said Tania

Mani shook her head in strong agreement.

----------- After that I walked away. I couldn't listen anymore. My breath begins to feel shallow. I can feel my heartbeat beating in my chest, loudly.

it's like my heart IS a heavy metal drummer.-------------------------------

I can't live up to their expectations. As I walk past them I can’t help but roll my eyes.

They stare and keep whispering,

Shameless

How could I tell Mr.W that after I completed that series. I went off the walls. Couldn't eat or sleep right for weeks. It's like an elephant lifted its foot off of my chest.

It weighed so much.

The art of it….

gone.

Unfortunately, this is my only skillset, I have no choice.

Great, just great.

My phone rings.

It’s Mom…..

My head begins to pound and I feel my chest tighten. I can’t deal with this right now. I sent her to voicemail. Does that make me a bad daughter? Not sure. I don't care though.

My thoughts are flowing into my head, as explosive and loud as fireworks, I am walking on a quiet empty road. If I were to yell, it'd likely echo for a hundred years. So peaceful, birds and squirrels on this street don't run away if you walk up to them.

I'm about to wreck that.

I'm so insanely upset.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHHHAHHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHHAAHHAAAHHAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAAHAHHHHHGHHHHGHGHGA......."

“WHAT KIND OF ARTIST CAN’T SEE COLOR!!!!” I scream frustratedly.

That scream truly came from the inner depths of my soul.

From the little girl who wrote and drew her first manga in the school stairwell to avoid the bullies.

A teenage me, who'd written over a hundred mangas and novels in a year sending them to hundreds of publishing companies, and got rejected from Every. Single. One.

I could never forget the me that was a fresh high school graduate. Grinning from ear to ear. For the first time in a long time. Because someone.

.finally.

Saw my vision, potential and soul in my work. Mr. W. and helped me to get into my first competition.

That scream. That totally desperate, furious and frustrated scream. Came from all of me.

............... every version of me.....................

A few birds fly away after that. Some lady screamed, "SHUT UP!" That’s to be expected, I just disrupted the most serene place in the entire country.

I can barely move. My body hurts, I can’t help but drag my feet along the street. Mentally, I’m gone. So overexerted in that sense, I feel like someone who just woke up from a nap and is still trying to wake up.

That’s the kind of haze I was in.

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Somehow I got home.

Despite the pressure to complete the next best manga hit and a deadline, I pass out on the couch. Of course, I fall asleep thinking about what my next main character will look like and what trials they may overcome.

It’s crazy that these thoughts ease my mind to relax and fall asleep.

It totally tricks my brain into thinking that I’m working and not wasting time.

———

The funny part is that’s why my last manga was so popular. Because the drawings were emotional not because I’m such an amazing artist but because I knew how to use color to evoke emotion.

Totally outside the norm.

Most relied on having a super strong story and letting the art suffer and vice versa.

BEEP !!!! BEEP!!! BEEP!!!

My alarm BLARES in my ear at 5 AM

Time for another day of tracing manga and reading scripts. Not that I don’t like my job but,

They’re not mine

I remember when I used to walk through a story in my head

Vividly

I saw all the beautiful colors the characters did. The cascading sunsets panning out from a glowy grapefruit pink to a pastel bright yellow - full of life.

I felt everything the characters did, I cried with them. Laughed with them. All of it. I loved it.

And I don’t know how or when but it’s like overnight, I lost it.

Where did it go?

Now - every time I try to “see” the story I can’t, everything is GREY, black, white and fuzzy. Faces aren’t clear and the emotions are bland.

I wonder how people felt after the revolution of the color TV. There must’ve been so many stories left misinterpreted or not told to their fullest potential.

It’s lost in my mind somewhere....

In the fridge?

In Antarctica?….

In the inner depths of my subconscious?

*laughs maniacally*

Applause used to be the soundtrack of my life that followed me everywhere I went. People stopping in their tracks. Going out of their way to stop their day to tell me how amazing my manga was. It didn’t last long though. I began to wonder where and when my soundtrack stopped playing?

——-

My mom said that I had an “inner glow” about me at that time. That I was radiant from inside out. My personality was as vibrant as it had ever been.

Now it’s a plain and sad, shade of grey. Not even a beautiful vibrant one that makes you smile, like the beauty of moths - an unpopular opinion of mine - but like a used grey crayon that’s dirty and smelly.

——-

I look in the mirror now and I don’t recognize her. She has deep eyebags, a wrinkle between her eyebrows from stress. Not only on the outside am I unrecognizable.

But my brain, my mind, my creativity has slipped away from me just like sand slips through your fingers at the beach.

Will I ever get it back?