A skin mask made of smiles

From the moment I met Nina Roberts I can't sleep. My conscience won't let me, my brain won't let me, not even my heart that always pities me makes me sleep.

I remember the first day I saw her: tall, tanned skin with a confused and dull look. Her look reminded me of myself when I was in high school, an empty and lonely look.

I've always hated loneliness. Sometimes it is very noticeable, sometimes loneliness engulfs girls who constantly play the victim and simply cry saying that no one loves them or that depression has left them with a strong trauma.

But sometimes loneliness invades beings full of light and kindness, people way too good for the world and that's why loneliness makes them cold and merciless, I was an example of loneliness but not anymore. Now I had friends too true, I had my roomie but most of all I had myself.

Nina snapped me out of my thoughts when she saw me she looked surprised and fascinated, like I was a lethal snake in an exhibit at a damn children's zoo.

We stared at each other for a while until she gave me a fake smile.

- Looking for something?

The truth, I wanted to answer. The truth behind her mask, the truth behind that sweetness that clearly belonged to a snake ready to attack, that damn sweetness of a playful puppy until it distrusts and shows its fangs.

I said nothing and just shook my head, I didn't even smile.

Nothing... I just shook my head and left.

But that's not the end of the story. I was damn lucky that girl was also in my other classes and I was paired with him,a for the projects....

That day, I was at the library waiting for Nina for our first study session: we had to do a report on a topic related to the laws of physics as they relate to chemistry... I don't know why the girl was so excited about it.

I don't know why the girl came up with the idea of doing a report on gravity in the atmosphere.

Just then Nina arrived and sits down next to me. We finished the work peacefully, but something I said without any humor provoked her real laughter...

Real happiness is something that people with masks and walls rarely experience. I never did with my ex-friends, but with my new friends and roomie I was happy and my life previously painted in a dull gray became warm tones....

It was at that moment that I knew that for Nina Roberts that scene became warm tones.

I was enraptured, I didn't know why? maybe it was because of that smile, her sound when she laughed, the way she moved her hand to cover her mouth and not show too much of her teeth, the way her dimples mounted more and her cheekbones became more pronounced, her eyes closed from her laughter and warm wrinkles appeared on her forehead. Everything about her is perfect as far as physique goes. If only she would smile more truly she would be perfect. But that's a word I resigned myself to stop using, to stop questioning, if that "if only" existed I wouldn't understand her so perfectly, if it existed I wouldn't tell you my current friends, if it existed I wouldn't be so enraptured by just a girl and her beautiful true laughter... so with her I won't use that miserable "if only".

At that I felt a shiver on my back and my senses and intuition warned me. Nina's heavenly laughter is interrupted by Arthur.

- Ahem? Ahem...

Arthur had red hair and a few freckles on his face, he was tall and he was built. His eyes were amber and his smile seemed charming, but there was something about this guy that didn't look too promising to me. I had my reasons for not trusting him or letting him lure me.

One of them was next to me, she was 5'7", brunette, answered to the name of Nina Roberts and was shaking like a scared bunny.

Why was that? You may be wondering...

Well, I don't know how this foolish brunette was his girlfriend even though she obviously deserves a better match. Not a rag doll with a bird's nest on top that was painted as a redhead!

I immediately noticed how the warmth of the scene faded. Although I could hardly see the scenes in shades like dark gray anymore, Arthur was quite a case. Just by coughing, he ruined my eyesight and obviously Nina's even more.

- Hello, our date? An hour late? Are those words unfamiliar to you? - Arthur scolded her.

- Um... sorry, the projects...

- It doesn't matter. If you fail a few subjects, it's not the end of the damn world. A few missed dates and that's the end of a beautiful relationship. Yeah?

I froze, not knowing what to do... these scenes... why did my heart ache so much?

- Fine, you will come with me to our date, and you will not stay for a damn study session- Nina was still sitting in her chair without being able to see me or having the courage to look at the boy who was talking so badly to her. Arthur was even more exasperated to see his girlfriend's disobedience. What did you expect my king? You have a human girlfriend, not a slave. I noticed how the red-haired man's jaw tensed up- I said we're leaving now Nina! - exclaimed Arthur, which caused the girl next to me to jump a little.

I felt my blood boiling like the water in my kettle as I heated my water for a delicious chamomile tea.

She gathered her things and looked at me sadly.

- Tomorrow, after school here?

- Yes, of course...

But when Nina was about to open her mouth again Arthur grabbed her wrist tightly....

I felt a little tingling in my wrist.

That's when I saw it: a tired girl, it was almost like watching a little girl being scolded by her beloved mother for peddling around.

Then I saw a scene that had everything and at the same time nothing to do...

It was me looking with infinite love at my mom who was chopping vegetables for lunch. I had just returned from shopping with my grandmother.

- Mommy! Mommy! Guess what! -I said excitedly. My mother barely saw me and stopped smiling with tenderness.

-Speak well, with that squeaky voice you aggravate me and I don't understand you. .... Now, what do you want?

I remained silent and embarrassed... but I smiled enthusiastically.

-Well, we passed by the toy section and I saw a lovely doll! My grandmother bought it for me! Look!

Without knowing what I was doing, I showed her the doll.

-It's beautiful... I'll take good care of it very....

I felt the slap and the thud that sounded when the hand of my dear mother, of my mother whom I loved so much, the woman to whom I only wanted to share my happiness, hit me. I put my hand to my cheek and began to see blurry from tears.....

My doll fell to the floor and my mother grabbed the wrist of the hand placed on my cheek.

I heard her cold voice

-How many times have I told you not to go around asking my mom for toys?

-It was a gift...

- YOU LIE! - the grip on my wrist started to hurt and I groaned in pain -Why did I have to have such a lying, spoiled child?

My mom let go of me and turned around with her back to me.

I saw my red wrist where my mom grabbed me I let out a sob and my mom turned around sharply and gave me that look.

- If you don't shut up I'll give you a real reason to cry.....

I saw another view and this one had warm tones that reflected hope.When I entered high school I moved because my house was too far away from the campus.

My mom offered to move but I said I would find a small house. It was just an excuse so I wouldn't see my mom again for a long time. Although I felt bad for my younger brother Vittorio who I gave the opportunity to come with me but he refused since his high school was far away from my high school. And that surprised me since he got along with mom a thousand times worse than I did with her.

I started my search for a new home. I obviously had some difficulty.

Nobody would accept me in any apartment or rent me a house....

And I don't know how, I met Mia who was looking for a roomie since she lived all by herself in her home. She was going to another high school and we were both equally nutty and desperate.

I covered the utilities and she did the chores even though she was lazy and I ended up doing them most of the time. But... she became my family....

I woke up from my reverie and felt my wrist tingle as I saw the red marks on Nina's wrist, who followed her boyfriend with hurried steps.

I got up, grabbed my things and left....

I got on the bus that was taking me home.

I arrived at my house that my roomie and I inhabited, as usual, I left my things on the couch, got in and headed to my room .

At that moment I passed by my roomie's room, who the very lazy one had already arrived home and instead of doing something productive like doing her homework or washing the dishes she was supposed to do, she was asleep in her bed.

I locked myself in my room

I jumped to my bed and... my fluffy stuffed animals... and I immersed myself in my thoughts...

I thought again about that smile and that sweetness.

Fake smiles are a product or a consequence of what happens to people who have suffered from loneliness.

I remember when my mom would ask me why I was sad and I would just frown, play dumb and then laugh at some joke she made. I remember when my former best friend Alexis would win first place in a competition, she would win anyone's friendship with just a smile or when the boy I liked fell in love with her just because she was the exact reincarnation of the sun with her blonde hair, her clear but determined eyes and her perfect round face.

I clasped my fists and felt my veins palpitate as I remembered how Alexis always wanted to pity me. As if I was a mindless fool who barely understood the world....

Oh of course I understood...

I understood it so well that was why I was the one who started to provoke the mutual jealousy of that little couple, I understood it so well that was why I never helped her with her French homework anymore and in fact coincidentally it seemed that she had gotten desperate and cheated on her exam.

I understood it so well that was why I let envy eat away at me and destroy the only bond of true friendship. I understood it so well that it was why I rarely smiled for real from that moment on.

But what I understood most was the pain behind a fake smile....

And that was how Nina Roberts managed to make my conscious burn at night.