Hunger and Heartbreak

“Can we keep it dad?” That was the moment I knew I was fucked. I was out walking with my daughter Helen one day when we stumbled upon…a llama. Was I excepting a llama to just be standing there in nowhere Kansas, amongst the corn? No I was not. “Honey, I know nothin about llama’s. What do they eat? How did it get here? It has to belong to somebody. We can’t keep it Helen, we’re a crop farm, not an animal farm…hell, we’re barely a farm as it is these days. I can’t afford another mouth to feed.” And then she looked at me with those big blue eyes that remind me so much of her momma, those eyes that get me every damn time. Because Lord knows I would move heaven and earth for this girl of mine. And in that moment I knew this god damn llama was coming home with us. “Okay Helen, we’ll take it with us and keep it; but only until we can find the owner.” Helen’s eyes lit up as she approached the llama with absolutely no fear in her eyes. Surprisingly, the llama bent it’s head down to her and let her pet it. In this moment, it almost felt like this llama was waiting for her to come find it and take it home.

“What should we name it dad? Wait, is it a girl llama or a boy llama? And how did it get all the way here? Can it sleep in my room? Can I sleep in the barn with it?” Nicholas shook his head at this onslaught of questions, not answering any of them. “Remember darlin’, we’re only keeping it until we can find it’s owner. So maybe we best not name it yet. And NO, that thing is too big to be in your room and you are too little to be in the barn. I’m sure it will still be there when you wake up tomorrow.” “But dad–” she starts to whine and I cut her off quickly, too harshly…but I was tired and frustrated and now have another mouth to feed tonight. “NO! Now get washed up to help make dinner while I put…llama here in the barn.” She runs to the house, after giving llama a hug. Llama and I head to the barn where I get him situated.

In the house, Helen has started shucking the corn for dinner. “I’m tired of corn dad. Can’t we have something else tonight?” Man I wish I could give her more. I wish I could give her steak, lobster, that caviar stuff all those high falootin boys that come in with the train always talk about. “Not tonight honey; corn is what we have. Tell you what though, I think I might have some turkey in there we can have. How’s that sound?” She grumbles but says okay…but honestly, what else do we have? We are one bad crop away from losing everything. The house, the barn, the farm…everything. And no one in town is doing much better. The drought has nearly killed everything, people included. I miss my Betsy somethin’ fierce, but I’m so glad she died while the living was still good.

After dinner, Helen goes to bed. We say our bedtime prayers and I tuck my precious blue-eyed girl into bed. She shoots up suddenly with a worried look on her face. “Daddy, I didn’t give llama a hug and kiss goodnight! I didn’t tuck him in!” “Don’t you worry darlin’. I’ll go check on him before I head to bed myself. I’ve got some left over corn I’ll give him tonight…hey Helen, do llama’s even eat corn?” “I don’t know daddy. Let me know if he does and tomorrow I’ll save some of my corn for him.” I sigh as I look down at her, “Don’t worry honey, you need to eat your corn. I’ll find something for llama.”

Once she’s asleep, I head to the barn. I hate what I’m going to do. I know it will break her heart…but best to do it now before she gets too attached. We go to bed every night hungry. The corn and what meat I can bring in from hunting just isn’t enough anymore. And a llama’s not a pet. I can’t afford to feed one. So I do what I have to. I grab my shotgun. I grab the llama and out away from the house we go. Surprisingly he willingly goes with me. I always thought they were mean, but it’s like it knows; like it knows it’s purpose is to die so that my little girl can live just a little longer. I do what needs to get done and haul it back to the barn, praying that Helen sleeps throughout the night as she usually does. I get to work skinning the llama’s hide, as I can sell that next time I go to town for a nice penny. I’m almost done when I hear “Daddy?” followed by a shriek of despair. Helen has awakened before I could finish. “Daddy?!? What?!? No…he was my friend. I was going to name him Jasper…just like the dog in the book you always read me. Why?? I thought, I thought we were going to keep him?” She says all this while also crying a cry that can only come with heartbreak and betrayal. Damn this taking so long. Damn the light in the barn. Damn this drought.

I stop what I’m doing and sit down with her. She doesn’t want me to hold her; that’s okay. “Look honey. I know you wanted to keep the lla- Jasper. But sometimes animals and things come into our lives not to keep, but to help us in other ways. I know it sounds awful, but you know what our kitchen looks like. And you said yourself you were tired of eating corn. Well Jasper here, he can give us meat for a long time; and his skin, his hide…I can sell that next time we go to town to buy some other foods you like. I know how much you like that jelly I bought last time, and we can get some biscuits from the baker to go with them. I know it’s hard. But I hope that one day you’ll understand why I did this.” Helen nods her head. “I’m still mad at you. Jasper and I were going to have so many fun adventures.” “That’s okay honey. You be as mad at me for as long as you want; I’ll still be here loving on you every day.”

I went back to finish dressing the llama and put all the meat in our storehouse. It’s not a lot, but it will give us what we need right now. And his hide will go with me town where I plan to sell it for more than I’ve sold anything in awhile. I sit there thinking about Helen, this farm, life. And I know she feels I betrayed her. I guess in a way I did. When I saw that llama, I knew exactly what I had to do. Parenthood. Survival. None of this is for the weak. But I pray that one day she can look back and know that I did everything I could to keep those blue eyes shining.