A strange night (part 2)

Fantasy Friendship

Written in response to: "Start your story with two characters deciding to spend the night in a graveyard." as part of Spooky Season.

Nothing seemed to really happen during the day, all I ever did was go and pick the classes that I wanted to be in since I had forgotten to yesterday. Everything seemed quite interesting on the list.


I mostly just stayed in my dorm or walked around a few times, the assistant had told me that I'd start classes the next day. How would that even go through? How would the other ones react to me?


I was going to have to try and figure this stuff out, what monster would I need to be? While I was thinking about this stuff in my dorm, there was a sudden buzzing noise coming from my pocket. My phone.


"Ember!," A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone "why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls? I thought something terrible must have happened to you."


I'm not entirely sure why she even cares, why is she even putting up an act? Seriously, even in her little texts? Whatever. "Listen, Amber, It was like midnight when I arrived, I was just-"


She cut me off by saying, "Hey, don't call me that you have to call me mother and that's final! Now, honey, this is for the best, you know that right?"


I rolled my eyes and didn't speak to the phone again, instead, I hung up on her. It ain't my fault about any of the stuff ya do or that you made...' father' leave...


Moon had never seemed to be around during the day, maybe it was because she was a vampire? the school was really big though, maybe I was just on a different floor than her.


I did, however, see Blue walking around a couple of times or he was in a classroom, he seemed to just ignore me though every time. Does he not like me or something?


Well anyway, it was close to midnight when I had heard a loud knock on the door. "Ember, you awake?" a familiar voice says to me on the other side. Moon.


I walk over to the door and open the door, where something immediately flew into the room. I was trying my best to see what the thing was, it was flying around the room quite fast.


It of course had some wings, if it didn't why would it be flying in the first place? I could tell that it was something black and that...it was a bat. What was a bat even doing in the school? did a window get left open?


"Is that bubble-wrap on the floor?" Moon's voice asked from somewhere around the room. Wait a minute. Was that bat Moon?


"That's a good choice actually, I've never liked those fuzzy carpets under my feet." Bat Moon says sounding a bit annoyed. Huh, at least she liked it as well. How did I forget that vampires could turn into bats though?


"uh yeah, so what are ya doing here Moon? why didn't I ever see you earlier?"


"I wanna go and take you somewhere, I also can't be out during the day, don't you know that?"


I wanted to ask her where we were going, though she grabbed my hand and began to drag me out of the dorm room. She was still a bat while this was happening, how was she even able to do this??


While I did know plenty of stuff about Vampires and the other monsters, I didn't know exactly every last detail about them. It's not like there were even facts about a Vampires' favorite food or a Werewolves' favorite time of night.


I wasn't about to ask Moon or Blue that stuff either, we all just became friends, I have a feeling that asking all those questions would weird them out.


Or what if it was able to upset them or anger them? I wasn't gonna go and try to get myself killed by one of them. How would they even tell my mother? She probably wouldn't even believe them, I wonder what she'd think though.


Moon was keeping my eyes closed the entire time, while no one was talking I could hear other foot-steps with the two of us. She must have gone and gotten Blue at some point and I never noticed until now.


"Guys?" My voice finally broke the silence between the three of us "where are you even taking me? This better not be a trick to get rid of me or something.." please don't kill me, I'm still way too young to die


Neither of them said anything to me, all I could hear were foot-steps and light breathing. Though the foot-steps soon stopped and Bat Moon uncovered my eyes, we were in a graveyard.


Oh crap...are they gonna kill me and then bury me in here somewhere? Blue just gives me a...strange feeling, I think he'd be the one to do it Moon turned back to normal and leads me to the back of the graveyard.


"What are we doing here..?"


"To have some bonding time." Blue seemed a bit annoyed I bet Moon dragged him along. He seems like the guy to be 'fun' at parties, he probably ruins them. Maybe he's like the Grinch, that would be interesting.


Moon was the first to start telling us some stuff, "My mother went to this boarding school when she was younger as well she thought it would be fun if I went as well."


"Kinda like a tradition thing?"


Moon nodded, "Yeah like a tradition. I think my Grandmother went to the boarding school as well, so your right about that." she smiled, I realized that in the Moon-light sky she seemed even paler than usual.


"Did you...ever run into any other humans?" I just couldn't help it and decided to ask her, I was just curious. Obviously, she was still alive, so if she did run into any humans, she lived through it.


I should be asking her why she's so calm around me instead of the other way around if they attacked her though, I know that there are a lot of Vampire hunters.


"No, My mother did a few times though...they never attacked her or anything though, they mistook her for an actual human because she was tricking them."


After Moon had finished explaining a couple of things, I looked towards Blue. We were all explaining a bit of our story, I think it would be a bit interesting.


Though he never said anything to either of us, he just remained silent. Dang, it. I could also see that he was looking up at the moon, it wasn't a full moon or otherwise, he'd turn into a werewolf.


"Maybe next time? Blue is always kind of like this when he meets new people" Moon lightly chuckled after she told me this. No, I'm pretty sure he hates me. I swear that he was giving me a little death stare before he went back to looking at the moon.


"Why don't you tell us some stuff now? If you are a human, why are you here?"


I don't even know why myself, Amber can be an idiot sometimes. Did she ever even look at the thing or did she just pick it randomly? Though I still tried my best to explain to them, "I don't even know why I was sent to this place, Amber just came into my room a bit angrily one day and told me I was going there 'for the better'..."


We all remained silent for what seemed like hours, Blue had even seemed to be paying attention during my explanation. He was even the first to ask, "Who's Amber?"


I dig through my pocket and I luckily had a picture of us, Blue took the picture from my hand and shows it to Moon. In the picture, there was me, Amber, and Blaze. None of us in the picture looked happy, at least he left.


At least he didn't have to be with that thing anymore, I sometimes wonder where he is now. Though I at least know that he's probably happy, maybe he's with someone new.


"Is she your mother?" Moon asked me as she took the picture from Blue, who was still paying attention to this. I guess I got him interested in something. Good?


I stood up and held out my hand for the picture, I don't even know why I had that stupid picture. Amber must have given it to me before I got in the car and left.


Moon was confused, I understood that, though she gave me the picture without saying anything. I walked over to the fence of the graveyard, which had sharp points for some reason.


I tore up the picture. At least just where Amber was on the picture, though it did end up getting a bit torn on me and Blaze. Though that's completely fine..neither of us would want to be in a picture with her, even if no one could tell who or what she was.


I put the picture back into one of my pockets and began to head for the graveyard exit. I could hear Blue say, "Moon let go of me!" which must have meant that the two of them were following me. Moon was probably dragging him along.


As I stood at the exit of the graveyard, I looked back at the two of my friends who were still following me. I was fine with that though, They weren't going to kill me. Though it didn't even matter if they did.


"That thing was never my mother.." I looked ahead of me and exited the graveyard.













Posted Oct 24, 2020
Share:

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

73 likes 227 comments

Ru .
October 24, 2020 20:32

Hey, B! Loved this and the ending was awesome. Ember and her mother's relationship is so realistic. There's nothing I could suggest plot-wise since I think it's good, but I'll help with grammar.

"I had forgot to" ~ I had forgotten to
"i'd start classes" ~ capital 'I'
"how would the other ones react" ~ try, "how would the others react"
"Ember!," A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone "why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls? I thought something terrible must have happened to you."

~ no comma after "Ember!"
~ A loud, worried, yet angry voice
~ over the phone. "Why didn't you..."

Anyway, this was a great addition. I haven't been able to read all the parts yet, but I have a basic idea. I'm actually not very good at helping when it comes to giving others ideas for writing novels, but I'll always give suggestions for structuring when you post. Another awesome piece B! Keep up the good work and double check for capitalization especially for "I" or "I'm" or the start of a sentence and also, periods.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 20:37

There was only ever one part before this one since this is a part 2 so your fine ^^ just read it whenever you can and leave some feedback. Could ya maybe take a guess on why Ember is acting like this with her mother? there's a couple of reasons :) and thanks, i'll try and fix that stuff soon.

Reply

Itay Frenkel
October 25, 2020 19:52

Plot-wise you're all good, and I believe others have already pointed out the grammar mistakes.

That ending was so cool, I love a good ambiguous ending! In my opinion, it's a little weird that a woman named Amber named her daughter Ember, but that's entirely up to you. Blue seems like a really interesting character, I don't know if you did this on purpose but it feels to me like he's hiding something. This was a great read and you should be proud of yourself for writing it!

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 20:08

Why is it a bit weird that she named her daughter that while her name was Amber? i thought it would be funny or something. Yes- he's actually hiding a few things but I won't exactly tell ya all of the stuff :)

Reply

Itay Frenkel
October 25, 2020 20:20

Does it imply that her mother is sort of neglectful/lazy? Like she didn't even bother to give her daughter a new name, instead changing just one letter of Amber into Ember. If so wow, that's actually really cool.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 20:28

I...just liked the names?? It is nothing related to the story and I just felt like giving Ember's mother the name. and amber ISNT her mother like she's said, though I probably wont explain it more or anything in the other parts, so I could tell the stuff if ya want?

Reply

Raquel Rodriguez
October 24, 2020 20:12

Wow, Blair! The ending is great! :)
I love how you explain the mother-daughter relationship by making Ember call her mother 'Amber' instead of mom.
Nice job! :D

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 20:14

why do ya think ember calls her mother by her real name instead of mom/mother?

Reply

Raquel Rodriguez
October 24, 2020 20:24

Maybe because of the lack of respect for her mother and because she broke up with Ember's dad?

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 20:25

any other ideas? That isn't the reason

Reply

Raquel Rodriguez
October 24, 2020 21:37

Wait- what is it then?

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:42

Ya want me to tell ya the stuff? i don't think it'll be stated or mentioned in the other parts

Reply

December 11, 2020 13:53

I'd watch this if it was a movie, and I like books more than movies-- way, waaaay more. The ending is fantastic-- what a cliffhanger! Reading this part 2, I remembered why I like your submissions: They're cool, strange, and full of twists, turns, and relatable characters.

Reply

B. W.
December 11, 2020 18:14

Thank you, im really glad you liked this and my other stories ^^ did ya maybe have a favorite part or character?

Reply

December 11, 2020 20:07

I like Ember. She reacts the same way I would.

Reply

B. W.
December 11, 2020 20:38

I'll be trying to make another part to this at some point, maybe with these new prompts

Reply

Anii ✨
October 29, 2020 23:57

Hey there, B! I know you were asking about when I was going to post a new story. . . I just posted one today if you wanna check it out! :)

Reply

. .
October 28, 2020 01:52

I feel like all your stories bring the same happy, enjoyable and engaging vibe. It was written in such a unique way and I love the character's personalities!

Reply

B. W.
October 28, 2020 01:54

aw thanks ^^

Reply

. .
October 28, 2020 01:57

Np

Reply

B. W.
October 28, 2020 01:58

did ya have a favorite part in this one?

Reply

Orenda .
October 27, 2020 06:16

ok, I feel like putting a rusted dagger to my throat for coming here so late despite you asking me severaaaal times. I'm sorry 😔

anyway, onto the story, I liked it a lot. The relationship between the mother and the daughter has been drawn really well. You have some usual minor errors (capitalisation, punctuation missing and all) which again, can be edited real quick. No worries in that. What I found a lil disturbing was that you used a lot of 'though' which I haven't noticed in your previous stories. Overall, amazing as usual ☺

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 06:35

Hey, its alright ^^ what? is something wrong with using "though" in it or something? why ya think like that with it? did ya also maybe have a favorite part in the story? a part 3 might come out at some point soon but I ain't sure ^^

Reply

Orenda .
October 27, 2020 06:41

there's nothing wrong with using though 😄 but I feel like, there may been many thoughs and in the same paragraph. Nothing serious. Also, I dont think i had a favourite part, I liked every bit :3 and part 3 sounds amazing!

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 06:42

what do ya think should happen in the next part?

Reply

Orenda .
October 27, 2020 06:49

I dont know. You were talking about Blue biting Ember, right? But that would be really abrupt to start the next part with since this one was about Ember and her mum, soooo....

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 06:50

Yeah, ive been thinking of making blue bite ember, though I'm not sure and if I don't do that I don't got any other ideas at the moment :/

Reply

Charles Stucker
October 25, 2020 12:07

Change opening to "Since I had forgotten it yesterday, all I did today was pick the classes that I wanted. Everything on the list seemed interesting."
You've progressed well, young padawan, now we must look to more esoteric uses of the force...Once you have grammar in hand, you look at economy of words. Say more with less. Make it clear.

"Ember!," A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone "why didn't you answer any..." - punctuation "Ember!" A loud, yet angry, voice said over the phone. "Why didn't..." An exclamation point is like an excited period. It ends a sentence. And you need that period before the second half of the quote.

"Hey, don't call me that you have" - punctuation "...that. You..."

"I walk over to the door and open the door, " reduce to "I walk over and open the door, " Whatever you open, you had to reach it. Doesn't matter if it's a door, window, lid of a trunk, or a can of tuna. Mention if once as you open it and we know you were walking toward it when you walk over and open...

did a window get left open?- your attention to punctuation and capitalization has improved immensely. This is the sort of thing which slips past everybody.

Bat Moon says sounding a bit annoyed.- comma after says

silence between the three of us "where- us. "Where

your right about that." she- two things -you're and She

Be interesting if Ember turns out to be...dragon or other creature of fire. Though with the way your naming convention goes, that might be a bit on the predictable side. Maybe a half-pookah whose father was a pyromaniac and named her for the profession he wanted her to choose.

For a fantasy tale of friendship the low key tension (Ember vs Amber and Blue vs the world) is adequate. You set the stage well when you have Amber call to annoy Ember, then end with Ember renouncing her association with Amber/call me mom.

Look over this again and think about how you could reword sentences. I mean besides the ones I pointed out for you. Being able to self-edit is a vital skill and one which Reedsy works against with it's one week cycle. If you find ONE, it's a good thing, because you are just starting and self editing is not easy.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:05

I just got Grammarly and i used it on my other story actually and I fixed some smaller things on this story with it, though I'll still go and fix this stuff that ya said ^^ Pookah? what's that, I don't think I've ever heard of that before or I just forgot? well, I'm still trying to think if she should actually be human or not and maybe blue could bite her to turn her into a werewolf but I still ain't sure

Reply

Charles Stucker
October 25, 2020 16:15

Pookah are a trickster spirit which can shapeshift into a horse. they tempt people to die them, then carry them into a ricer where they shift into their water form and the person drowns. Pookah are Irish faerie creatures and the water association would make the name Ember funny, in a pookah sense, but in no way obvious for association with their powers.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:17

That's what those things are called? I think I might have seen them on some sorta show like a year ago or something, but I don't really remember much, i know i saw a few things that mentioned or would just show em. so, with this story, did you ever maybe have a favorite part with it?

Reply

Charles Stucker
October 25, 2020 16:44

It felt like blindfold route to the graveyard was the most active part, the place where you brought out the most from the scene.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:47

Hm, alrighty ^^

Reply

Julie Ward
October 26, 2020 16:39

Hi Blair Witch! I really enjoyed this story. It moves along nicely and your characters are interesting. I like the interplay between Ember, Moon and Blue, and the fact that they all go to this boarding school for monsters. I like that Moon appears as a bat. As I read, I wondered where Ember fit in - what is her story? Who the heck is her mom? I like that you left it open ended.

A couple of things:

Keep an eye on grammar and tense. "I walk over to the door where something immediately flew in to the room" vs "I walked over to the door. Something flew in."

I think it would be more powerful to start your story with the graveyard. Ember starts off by mentioning classes, but we never really go anywhere with that. Something a little more focused would give the story context. You can introduce Ember and the boarding school, along with her new friends, and set up the graveyard visit at the same time in one tidy opening paragraph. It would give the story a little more urgency and some foreboding.

You refer to "stuff" quite a bit - that's what I consider a throwaway word. You can use those places to fill your readers in and keep the story moving. "I was going to have to figure this stuff out, what monster would I be?" vs "While I waited for Moon to show up, I wondered what monster I would be."

Also use sentences like "Moon turned back to normal" to your advantage. This is a great place to shade in some details: "Moon transformed in the pale light. Her long black hair shook as she spoke."

Overall, very creative and interesting! Keep writing!!

Reply

B. W.
October 26, 2020 16:53

thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ yeah, ill try and fix the grammar and some of the other things in the story, though I'm at least using Grammarly for my other stories now ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or something?

Reply

Julie Ward
October 26, 2020 20:27

I think overall, the interplay between your characters is my favorite part. I want to see more of their friendship.

Reply

B. W.
October 26, 2020 20:41

well i think soon there'll be a part 3 ^^

Reply

Julie Ward
October 27, 2020 02:23

I love it! Keep it up!

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 02:25

thanks ^^

Reply

Anii ✨
October 26, 2020 15:30

Wow! Nice! I like the cliffhanger ending! This was a fun story overall. :)

Reply

B. W.
October 26, 2020 16:51

thanks ^^ did ya have a favorite part or was it the cliffhanger?

Reply

Anii ✨
October 27, 2020 11:57

I liked the part when Moon turned into a bat, to be honest. :)

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 17:00

so, have ya maybe made a new story?

Reply

Anii ✨
October 27, 2020 21:48

I'm working on one right now. Hopefully I'll be done by Friday! :)

Reply

Anii ✨
October 27, 2020 21:49

Hey, do ya wanna upvote spree each other?

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 22:15

well, tell me when its out :) id be glad to read it

Reply

The Cold Ice
October 26, 2020 08:20

This is fantastic story.You asked me to read so I come.Keep writing.Ioved this story.Well written.Great job keep it up.

Reply

B. W.
October 26, 2020 16:38

thanks ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part or character?

Reply

The Cold Ice
October 27, 2020 04:24

Welcome.

Reply

B. W.
October 27, 2020 04:48

:)

Reply

The Cold Ice
October 27, 2020 06:19

:)

Reply

Kaitlyn James
October 25, 2020 16:36

Great job! The first paragraph was really relatable. The detail was good, I also thought that the spacing of it was really good. I liked the plot and the storyline. Great job!

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:41

thanks i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you have a favorite part or something?

Reply

Kaitlyn James
October 25, 2020 20:01

My favorite part was the ending, it was really interesting.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 20:11

what do ya think will happen in the next part?

Reply

Kaitlyn James
October 25, 2020 21:41

I'm not quite sure. There are lots of options. Maybe Ember will make up with her mom?

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 21:42

Hm, i could maybe tell you some stuff about Ember and Amber if ya want? this stuff won't really be stated in the other parts.

Reply

Kate :)
October 25, 2020 16:19

This was another awesome story, B. I like the ending! It was interesting how you portrayed the relationship between Amber and Ember, and I like that their names sound alike. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it almost seems like Amber named Ember that way because she saw her as a mini-me, a perfect little kid, then was disappointed because of how different they are. That could be wrong. It's just something I noticed.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 16:21

No- i just liked the names and thought it would be nice or something, it ain't anything like that Katie. Though thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed the story ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part and what did you think of the ending? I also made another story a while ago called "Ghostly fun times" so maybe you could check that one out as well and leave more feedback?

Reply

Kate :)
October 25, 2020 17:20

Oh. (My bad.) My favorite part was probably the ending. That last sentence was pretty powerful, and it made me want to read more about their(Ember and her mom) history.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 17:53

Whats something you'd want to happen in the next part of the story? besides maybe some stuff with Ember and Amber.

Reply

Kate :)
October 25, 2020 20:25

I'm not sure... maybe some more with Blue. He seems like an interesting character.

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 20:28

alright ^^ so will ya be able to work on the crossover?

Reply

October 25, 2020 04:02

Good job!👏👏I think this was a good follow up story to the other one. It was really nice, I also sorta enjoyed Blue in this story. I also enjoyed how you ended the story it was very interesting and made me wanna read moreeee! Are you gonna write part 3??
But great job B.W.!!!
Byeeeee!

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 04:04

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ yeah of course, there WILL be a part 3 and a few other parts before I end this thing. What do you think will happen or what do you at least want to happen in the next part? I also made another story called "Ghostly Fun times" so could you possibly check that one out as well and leave some feedback again?

Reply

October 25, 2020 04:28

Mmkay! And I want you to expand on her family situation, I feel like that would be something I wanna see next or in the future.
Andddd probably later. Promisee😊

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 04:34

alright thanks ^^ well i do have a couple of things for the family thing

Reply

Ariadne .
October 24, 2020 23:47

I mostly just stayed in my dorm or walked around a few times, the assistant had told me that I'd start classes the next day. ~ Separate into two sentences.

I was going to have to try and figure this stuff out, what monster would I need to be? ~ Same thing here.

"Ember!," A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone "why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls? I thought something terrible must have happened to you." ~ Punctuation errors here. "Ember!" A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone. "Why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls? I thought something terrible must have happened to you."

I rolled my eyes and didn't speak to the phone again, instead, I hung up on her. ~ Separate again.

the school was really big though, maybe I was just on a different floor than her. ~ The "the" should be capitalized.

I did, however, see Blue walking around a couple of times or he was in a classroom, he seemed to just ignore me though every time. ~ Make the last portion of the sentence a different one.

"That thing was never my mother.." I looked ahead of me and exited the graveyard. ~ Remove one of the periods.

EXCELLENT work, B!

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:48

Thanks ^^ i'm also almost done with another story and this time I'm using Grammarly :) I hope ya will check that one as well ^^

Reply

Ariadne .
October 24, 2020 23:49

I will. Tell me when you're done. :)

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:51

I have like 700 words ^^

Reply

Claire Lindsey
October 24, 2020 23:44

Hi B, I really enjoyed this addition to the story! I'm glad you're answering some of the questions I had from the first part, I really wanted to know more about Ember's backstory!

I think my favorite part of this one was Bat Moon--it's just such a fun mental picture of a bat leading Ember outside.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:47

Thanks, i'm glad you liked the story ^^ along with the bat moon thing, it was my favorite part to write :) what's something that ya wanna see in the next part?

Reply

Claire Lindsey
October 25, 2020 00:05

I'd love to see Ember explore the school a bit and maybe meet a new character or two

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 00:05

also, i'm about to put out a new story ^^

Reply

Dalyane Deblois
October 24, 2020 23:43

Great story B! I was happy to read the sequel of Blue, Ember, and Moon's story! You should check your grammar but the story's perfect!:)

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:46

Thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ i'm actually working on another story at the moment and I'm using Grammarly this time as well :) did you maybe have a favorite part and what did you think of the ending?

Reply

Dalyane Deblois
October 25, 2020 00:59

That's great it'll help!:) And the ending's my favorite part so I liked it a lot!:)

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 01:30

what do ya think will happen in the next part?

Reply

Dalyane Deblois
October 25, 2020 19:02

I think Moon will want to have some more bonding time and maybe something will happen between Blue and Ember!

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 19:04

Hmmm, maybe :) anything else?

Reply

Ariadne .
October 24, 2020 21:38

B, I'm going to work with you on this right now. Has this been approved yet?

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:41

i JUST submitted this story, it hasn't been approved yet. Most of my stories are approved but it takes a long time :/ i dunno what ones havent been approved if they haven't though.

Reply

Ariadne .
October 24, 2020 21:54

Ok. Well then, I want you to open it in another tab and click on the edit button. I'll work with you on your errors, okay? I don't want you to forget over the week and leave it like this.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:56

is it that bad or something?? did you even like anything about it or nothing? I just got Grammarly (i've had it for a while i've just never used it) but i'm just gonna use it for my future stories, like one i'll probably make later today or tomorrow.

Reply

Ariadne .
October 24, 2020 22:15

No, it's not bad. I just want you to practice writing with proper grammar.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 22:20

alright- i have it happened on another tab, what do ya want me to do first?

Reply

October 24, 2020 21:07

"Ember!," A loud worried yet angry voice said over the phone "why didn't you answer any of my texts or calls? I thought something terrible must have happened to you."--consider cutting the adjectives here, (loud, angry, worried) we can infer all these things by the punctuation, and it will flow better. ;)

"Or what if it was able to upset them or anger them?" change this to, "Or what if it made them angry or upset?"

"She must have went and gotten Blue at some point and I never noticed until now." cut, "and I never noticed until now."

Another thing is that when you use possessive tense, you use an apostrophe. For example; Vampire's, Werewolf's, etc.

Neat story! I liked the ending. ;) If you can clean up the few things, you'll be good. :D

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:27

I guess i'll go and do some of the stuff then. Though i'm glad you sorta enjoyed the story and the ending probably. Did you have a favorite part or was it the ending? why do ya think Ember doesn't call Amber mom and all that.

Reply

October 24, 2020 21:42

Hmm, is Amber her stepmom? I didn't have a particular favorite part, but I liked the way you ended it. :)

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:44

Nope, Amber is her adoptive mother while Blaze is her adoptive father. Blaze left Amber after some stuff happened and he kinda realized that she was a small bit crazy and some other stuff, though he never brought Ember with her. Ember's real mother and father abandoned her when she was really young.

Reply

October 24, 2020 21:47

Okay, cool. ;)

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:52

what do you think will happen in the next part?

Reply

October 24, 2020 20:44

Great job with this, Bri! The dialogue is great and very realistic!! Good job! :)

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 20:45

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part and what did you think of the ending? any ideas on why Ember is acting like this towards her mother/Amber?

Reply

October 24, 2020 20:48

The ending was perfect! I'm kinda at a loss for words! I think maybe Ember just didn't have any respect for her mother, but IDK!! Great job again!

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 20:50

Nope, that's not it, i could tell ya the reasons if ya want since i don't think any of it will be stated in the other parts?

Reply

October 24, 2020 20:52

What is it?

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:24

Amber ISNT her mother, she's her adoptive mother and Blaze is her adoptive father as well. Blaze left after Amber did some stuff and after realizing that she was in a way crazy and some other stuff, he left without taking Ember. Her actual parents both left her when she was extremely young.

Reply

Megan Sutherland
October 24, 2020 23:32

Ooh, great story, B.W.!!!
I really, really liked this! I honestly have no critique! Great job!
Your Reedsy Friend,
Megan S.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:34

thanks, i'm glad you liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part? what did you think of the ending?

Reply

Megan Sutherland
October 24, 2020 23:38

B.W.
It was all amazing.
PLEASE JUST LET ME SAY THAT lollllll it was awesome!
I love Blue's character tho. Part 3 maybe, letting us know more about why he's so grouchy? XD

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 23:40

I'm actually working on another story and I'm almost done with it ^^ I have about 600 words at the moment.

Reply

Megan Sutherland
October 25, 2020 00:00

Ooh, yay!

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 00:01

yep ^^

Reply

Laiba M
October 24, 2020 21:28

Hi, Hope~
I liked the story. I've stressed this so so many times, but again, I want you to use Grammarly. Your writing will improve by a lot! The grammar issues do cloud the plot quite a bit, so I really do think you should try. I'm very busy at the moment, so I'm not going to spend time giving hard critique-rather, just install Grammarly, it gives you all the critique you need before posting it. I liked the story, though, good job.

Reply

B. W.
October 24, 2020 21:33

I actually do have it, I just keep forgetting to actually use it. But don't worry ^^ I'll use it with my next story or something. Though did you maybe have a favorite part and what did you think about the ending?

Reply

Laiba M
October 25, 2020 00:44

Oh, okay! Hmm, I liked how you wrote about Ember's relationship with her mother :)

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 00:56

what do you think will happen in the next part or what do ya want to happen in the next part?

Reply

Laiba M
October 25, 2020 02:05

I don't know~

Reply

B. W.
October 25, 2020 02:10

so what have ya done so far with my story?

Reply

November 01, 2020 15:12

Yet again, this was an amazing story, B.. Your plot flowed well, and I think this was one of your better trials with grammar. You are definition getting better in that area--just keep practicing. Anyway, overall, I thought this story was magnificent. -Brooke D.

Reply

B. W.
November 01, 2020 17:22

Thank you, im glad ya liked it ^^ did you maybe have a favorite part?

Reply

November 01, 2020 19:54

No problem. My favorite part was when Ember tore up the picture of her, Amber, and Blaze. That was intense.

Reply

B. W.
November 01, 2020 19:54

what do ya think will happen in the next part?

Reply

November 01, 2020 19:55

I don't know, but I'm excited to find out.

Reply

B. W.
November 01, 2020 20:03

maybe there'll be a death in this

Reply

Reedsy | Default — Editors with Marker | 2024-05

Bring your publishing dreams to life

The world's best editors, designers, and marketers are on Reedsy. Come meet them.