Yearning For Summer

I regret ever talking to you, not in a way where I hate you, but in a way where I should have known better. I couldn't help it because when I first saw you, I felt an instant spark, and I knew you felt it too. This spark would lead to a path of heartache and longing that I didn't even know was possible.

As you walked up the stairs to the restaurant where I worked, our eyes met, and in that moment, I was captivated by your presence.

I smiled and said, "How can I help you?"

"I'm here for an interview."

"Oh, I'll get a manager for you, and by the way, I have a strong feeling you are going to get the job."

You smiled, and the butterflies in my stomach started to flutter.

You responded softly, "Thank you."

I was right, you did get the job. I tried hard to flirt with you, but you were cold and unreceptive. I would find out it's because you had a boyfriend. I did have a girlfriend, but our relationship was already dead; it was just a matter of ending things.

I would eventually leave you alone because I would meet her, Eden, an ex-beauty queen, a ballerina, and a partier. She got hired at the restaurant, too. I can't lie, maybe I just love women, but she was something different. She was blonde, with eyes a crystal blue, funny, interesting, wild, and good music taste; I mean, I could go on. I fell hard and fast. We spent all our time together when we weren't working or she was at practice. I did believe she was the one until I found out she cheated on me.

Getting cheated on is a feeling I really can't explain, but I just felt sick to my stomach, disgusted. It felt like legitimate pain. I didn't break up with her immediately because I was still crazy in love with her, but it didn't feel the same either. I always had a problem with letting go.

Eden threw a party at her house for all our coworkers to come. I was surprised because you were there. You were a very quiet and timid person, seemingly innocent, quite honestly, an earth angel if they exist. Your hair was slicked back in a bun accessorized with a spiked headband. You lined your dark brown eyes with minimal eyeliner, but your lips were painted a bright, bold red. I love how your makeup was very minimal because I loved the freckles that spread on your cheeks. I found it very ironic that you were wearing a Lovers tarot card t-shirt because I felt attracted to you more than ever.

Somehow, we ended up in the living room together, sitting on a couch, surprisingly close. I could tell you were a little drunk, and maybe that's why you weren't as closed off as you usually were.

"Hey, we should hang out sometime, but I feel like you avoid me," I said.

"I do."

"Why is that?"

She looked at me and laughed.

"It is because I like you and I know you are trouble."

I couldn't help but smile, but we were interrupted by another coworker, Josh.

"Hey Aiden, Eden says she needs to talk to you."

I look back at you and say, "Hey Summer, I'll be right back, we will finish this conversation."

You smile and say, "I'll be waiting for you."

That night, I broke up with Eden. Still, while we were having a very emotional conversation, her roommates kicked everyone out. Maybe I should have taken it as a sign, but I messaged you on Instagram for your number. We started texting, and texting turned into taking you ice skating in Union Square right next to the Macy's tree.

I could tell you were nervous, and so was I. I wasn't great at ice skating, but I was better than you. We linked our arms together so you wouldn't fall on the ice. We spent about an hour on the ice talking about our families, your dreams, and how I was just months away from being shipped away to join the Navy.

It felt so natural being with you. I admired your kindness, grace, and understanding. I never met anyone like you. I was very confused by what we were doing because you were still with your boyfriend, and I was still talking to Eden in a way like we never broke up. These were two truths we both avoided until we couldn't.

I remember texting you good morning, and usually, I got a quick response, but that day was different. You took an hour to respond, and your response scared me.

"Hey, shit hit the fan. We will talk about it later."

I responded

"No worries."

But I was worried. I can admit that at this time in my life, I didn't know how to be alone. I didn't want to be alone. So, I texted Eden, and naturally, we got back together. I had missed her, and the sex with her was something I had never experienced. I was also in love with her, I cannot stress this enough, but I also felt something very strongly for you. It wouldn't be appropriate to call it love, but it was like there was a magnet that kept pulling me back to you.

We were supposed to watch a special viewing of Pulp Fiction that week, and you texted me about it. I would take several hours between our texts, hoping you would get the hint. You did, and it wasn't like I expected.

You treated me like I was a ghost, as if I didn't exist. You wouldn't even look at me at work. All the coworkers were always hanging out, and I felt like I was invisible. I called you a lot, but the calls always went straight to voicemail. It drove me crazy, and I couldn't tell you why.

Eden and I's relationship had progressed super fast. We moved in with each other, and we had only been together for about three months. It felt right, but then it didn't. I was not thinking clearly. I didn't know what I was doing. I was supposed to leave this all behind anyway. I was living in the moment.

Sometime after New Year's, I got a surprising text from you:

"Hey, I just want to say sorry for the way I'm acting, and hopefully we can be friends."

I was shaken. I never expected to hear from you again. I stood frozen, staring at my phone, wondering what to say, wondering how I felt.

I texted back

"Hey, it's nice to hear from you. I understand why you acted the way you did, and I'm so down to be friends."

Things went back to normal (whatever that means) for a while. We were friendly with each other, never really crossing boundaries, just friends, until Eden's birthday party. Eden threw a huge toga party for her 23rd birthday. I got blacked out drunk. I knew it wasn't the best decision, but I was feeling overwhelmed and being young and stupid. I didn't think much about it until I went to the movies with you.

We went to see Silver Linings Playbook. It's fair to say that you were going with a friend, and I invited myself along. After the movie, you told me we needed to talk. We took the train from downtown to Dolores Park, grabbed ice cream, and had a nice view of Mission High School.

You were quite coy about what we needed to talk about until we sat down.

"So, what did we need to talk about?"

You took a deep breath and said

"Aiden, you kissed me at Eden's birthday party. What the hell was that?"

I was in genuine shock. I had thought about kissing you, but never felt like it was the right time or appropriate. I guess getting blacked out drunk gave me courage I didn't have. I wish I hadn't done it at Eden's birthday party, my girlfriend's birthday party, my girlfriend, I had planned to make my fiancé. I was leaving for boot camp soon, and I wasn't ready to let go. The only way to stay together, truly together, was to get married. Eden and I had already discussed it, but we hadn't told anyone yet, and this wasn't good; I wasn't going to make the situation better either.

I replied, "How was it?"

You just laughed and said, "I always knew you were trouble. Listen, I have always really liked you, and it's wild because I feel like I don't even know you. It doesn't help that we both have partners, but what are we doing, Aiden?"

"I like you too, but I don't know what to do."

"Me either."

We sat in silence for a while, but it was getting late, and we had work early in the morning. We hugged and said goodbye. I couldn't resist, though, and I texted you.

"Hey, I hope it was a good kiss."

"It was 😊"

This would be the nail in the coffin, something that we would never come back from. In the middle of the night, Eden kept tapping my shoulder. I could barely open my eyes, but she shoved my phone in my face and asked.

"What the fuck is this?"

What could I say? How was I going to get myself out of this one? It was a lot of she doesn't matter, and it was a mistake. I don't even remember it! I love you, not her. Somehow, I managed to get out of it and maintain the relationship with Eden that would not be the same.

This situation was bad because Eden confronted you. You guys weren't fans of each other to begin with. Even worse, the news came out that we were getting married. I tried to talk to you at work, but you looked dead in the eye,

"Just leave me alone."

So, I did. You treated me like a ghost, and I accepted it the best I could. It was for the best. I needed to focus on my relationship with Eden. I had a wedding to plan, I had to get ready for boot camp, and figure out what our housing situation was going to be after boot camp.

It was a week before I was going to leave for boot camp, and you unexpectedly came up to me on my last day at work and asked if we could grab a drink together.

We walked to Kennedy's, and we both grabbed a stout and clanked glasses.

"Well, this is very unexpected," I told you.

You had a slight smirk on your face.

"Believe me, it's unexpected to me too, but I did want to say goodbye."

"I've missed you."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"You know what, Aiden, you are getting married."

I was silent and didn't know how to respond. I expected you to play into it because you always did. We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity.

"You are going to break that girl's heart."

Again, I didn't say anything because I knew you were right, and I was ashamed. I couldn't admit it, though. So I watched you walk out of the bar, and that was the last time I saw you or spoke to you again.