Meet me between these lines

Dear Laurie,

I’m writing to you because as cliché as this may sound, I hate goodbyes. There’s something so dark in that word. Saying it seems like a final condition. As if after it’s said, everything we lived together is over and leaves in the echoes of that word. Maybe I should also apologize and wish you have a lot of free time, because let me tell you something, if you think I talk too much… you never saw me with a pen and paper and a lot of feelings bottle up. (so, I hope this letter at least entertains your flight back home).

We didn’t meet as early as I would like to, always together but distracted by all the new people coming into our lives. You’d stay with my friends, and I would hang out with your roommate, but never us two, directly. I learned fast, after the first time we actually talked that you’re one of those people that after you stopped talking to, you wished the conversation had lasted longer. I remember going home and just telling my friends about you. I remember feeling that our conversation had been one of the few real things I had felt since I arrived.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the vibe, everyone trying to please and find their group of friends fearing to be alone. But with you it was different, we were talking like we already knew each other. We just skipped the polite small talk and in one single afternoon we got back the time we had lost with others.

I love how you were always this livid contradiction. Polite and composed, like you’d rehearse those conversations back home. But the minute I mention your favorite band randomly, it was like I lit a new fire. I remember thinking how funny it was that this quiet girl suddenly couldn’t stop talking. I remember your face when I told you how cheap concert tickets are back home. And when I confessed that I’d skip some afraid of going alone, you almost flipped in shock. Your face then was even more hilarious. It was so comfortable being around you. We stayed hours just walking in that raining day, joking, and sharing music and thoughts. And I love to joke about how fast I develop a crush, but I know that it took me ten seconds (Maybe wasn’t exactly ten seconds, I love to be dramatic) but the smile you had during that entire afternoon, even after the rain got worse, made me realize that I wanted to talk to you again.

A part of me wishes we could come back to this beginning, where not only we felt free with each other, but our relationship wasn’t contaminated with feeling and late-night confessions. I want to go back to when things were easy. But I guess that to people like us, there’s no easy way to do this. I know you run when things get too intense and I understand how scary it must feel, but don’t let us be just a moment, a memory you don’t even want to remember. I’m trying to confess that I’m scared that the moment you enter that flight, everything that happened here won’t be real anymore. That scares me and I think I just wanted to be able to ask you, do I matter to you as much as you matter to me?

Sometimes I have this urge to just go crazy and ask you all the questions built inside my head. Like that day, when I convinced you to stay with me watching the sunset while getting drunk near the canal. I wasn’t expecting you to stay, but I was so glad you did. I think that day was the first time I wasn’t impressed by you, not in a bad way, but made me realize how real you were, and somehow that made me like you even more. You were just this young girl; with the same problems I had. With the same doubts and fears. Somehow, we were so different but the exact same. I remember when we started getting too comfortable, the bottle of wine mid-way through and we were just discovering each other’s secrets. The way you looked at me when I told you about the first girl I ever loved made me feel understood. And then you just confessed you never fell in love, and my only thought was ‘How lucky will the person be to experience that’.

There was this specific moment, I couldn’t stop talking (like always) and you were just silent, looking directly at me. The words never stopped getting out, but for a fraction of seconds, the world stopped in my mind. And I just remember thinking ‘I need to remember this picture forever’. You were with your knees close to your chest, and resting your head on them. You were so still, that if it wasn’t for the intensity the blue in your eyes became, I would swear you weren’t even listening to me. This was right after the sun disappeared, the cold of the night was starting to emerge and your white face started becoming rose. You opened Spotify and I could just recognize the first notes from my favorite song. I’d shown that to you weeks ago, and never thought it had stuck. We just stayed quiet, in the silence built from the music and the sound of the water underneath our feet. I remember looking at you, wanting to keep looking, but every time you threatened to look at me, my gaze would go to the ocean. We kept playing that little game for a long time, like none of us wanted to be caught, but couldn’t stop looking. I just wonder, what if our eyes had met.

Things weren’t easy anymore. Part of me knew that after that day, nothing would be as light as it had been. You said after, that I was the bravest person you met, but I feel like a fraud. I think my courage came from the bottle but even then, I was surprised when the words came out of my mouth. ‘Do you think I’ll ever have a chance to be with you?’ That phrase has haunted me since. And I think that worse than that, was when you just said ‘No’. I know I joke and acted like I was fine. But I swear that for some minutes I didn’t even hear you, the only sound in my ears was that of my heart sinking, but a smile never left my face.

You asked me if I was okay, and I was, at least then I could just accept it and move on. But you had different plans. Once again, I have this perfect picture of that moment. So clearly that not even the alcohol in my blood could erase it. Your cheeks, reddish, and this time I couldn’t decipher if it was from the cold or the effort you were making not to cry. And your eyes never looked so sad. It was like the blue from them was from all the tears you were holding on. I had just been rejected but you never looked so pretty, it was like I could see your entire soul through your eyes and once again, the words came out so fast I just realized it too late.

‘I think you’re my favorite person right now.’

I think I’m just used to say this thing to the people I love but it’s like I don’t believe people could feel it about me. So, I never expected to hear a reply from you, especially one so strong.

‘I wish I could fall in love with someone like you.’

After that night I felt things became weird. And maybe it was all in my mind, reading too much into every interaction we had. But I swear (and I cannot say this in any way that won’t make me look crazy) our vibe just changed. It’s not that we stopped being together, but now our space was always being shared with others. Like we couldn’t afford to be alone. Sometimes it was easy, if we stick with the polite small talk we once hated, but once I said something that would threaten to cross that limit, it was like the air would become heavy and we just fell into silence. But this one wasn’t filled with any music or the sound of water, just the running thoughts of my mind, questioning what had I done wrong.

I didn’t want to scare you more with a confrontation of feelings and risk pushing you away even more, but since I’m being honest, I never knew which version of you I would find, that’s why I would enjoy every moment together like it was the last time, because I didn’t have proof it wouldn’t be.

For some time, I was trying to ignore it, to convince myself I was just putting too much thought into it, creating other realities inside my head. But that day, when we broke our little tradition of going to the cinema together was like a sign, I wasn’t crazy at all.

You probably never realized, but I always found interesting how in all the time here, our friends never could join us for the free movie night at the old cinema. I thank the universe for those coincidences because those hours startedbecoming one of my favorite memories from here. My favorite part would be right after the screen went black and the light would come up. I’d stand up already looking at you because I knew you were just waiting for the permission to start talking. I don’t think I ever met someone so passionate about cinema and that made me learn my own passion about it. I would look forward to those nights.

Except for this specific time, I was so tired of being the one always to call you up, that I had to test you. See if I matter. Maybe I was being pity, but I wanted you to feel my absence.

You didn’t.

For the first time, my friends could join me, and on our way to the cinema I was just wishing that somehow you were there. But you weren’t. I discovered later that you also had gone with your friends. I just loved this coincidence.

After that day I was ready to just forget everything, I was tired of difficulties between us. But every time we’d met you would show me that you had thought of me. After the cinema, you’d ask me if I had the chance to go, because even if we didn’t go together, you still cared enough just to ask if I had also enjoyed it.

It was like you recognized my absence, but you’d still prefer it to my presence. But you couldn’t forget it too. We started spending less time together, but when we did, I think we found another type of silence, this one was comfortable but anxious. I’d feel safe around you, but I felt my words couldn’t be as real as they once were. It was a balance.

I think the saddest about this new dynamic was your distance. I felt you didn’t want my care and friendship. Like all that came from me needed to be put at distance. Like when we would be at the library, and I would just notice how tired and frustrated you were. I’d always make a joke, trying to put a smile back on. You just looked at me, with this closed face, as if you wanted me to just stop. I’d just say, ‘I’m just trying to make you smile, I want to help’ and you would just look, like giving up a secret, and you confess ‘I know, thank you’ and we’d go back to the silence. It was like me helping you was letting a part of me come in that could then contaminate all your walls. Sometimes I thought that maybe you didn’t want to let me help you because every action and word that came from me could have an underneath meaning.

It doesn’t.

I wish I could make you forget my words and let me care and help you like a friend, like a partner, whatever, like someone that cares for you just because. My care for you doesn’t come with an exchange for reciprocation.

I don’t know why I need so much to write you this. I think that parts of me need clearance. During the last months I put you as a priority in my life, like I would do with anyone I care about. And I’m not trying to ask you to do the same. There’s a thin line between friendship and love, but you kept yourself so distant that I couldn’t even recognize the first one. Sometimes I felt I was just a convenient company…

I shut my words; I swear I tried to shut my feelings, I really put myself on vigilance, so I’d make sure I would never cross your limits, but now it’s all ending, I can’t go back home betraying myself. I don’t even know if I can go back home and still think of you as someone that’s in my life. I just don’t know. And that hurts me. I’m not asking you to feel the same, I’m asking you to at least show me that I’m just not indifferent.

Well, before I finally say my goodbye, I just want you to know that besides everything, I’m glad I had the chance to meet you. If a new version of me was born in this place (and one, I’m proud of) it was because I learned so much from you. Now we’re leaving and, this place that for six months we called our home, won’t be any more than a fun memory and I hope when you remember me (if you do) you have a nice feeling about it. I hope with this letter to take not only my weight off my shoulders but ease yours too.

- A.

Ps. I’m not waiting for a reply. In the same way you don’t like to talk, I need to get the words out. And this is me saying I really like liking you (even with all headaches).

***

The gate was almost closing, when I finally saw her, giving the last goodbyes, I knew she’d be like this. If she had to let the tears out, it would be with anyone on sight. When she finally saw me, her smile got bigger, that made me want to cry, and I could swear her eyes got a new, sad, bright.

“Oh, so you did come, miss ‘I hate goodbyes.’”

“I do hate them, but it’s you.” The smile disappeared. An expression I had seen a lot before coming back, I knew she wasn’t angry. “I won’t take long. I just wanted to give you this.”

As I took the letter from my pocket and placed it in front of her, our eyes never met again. I was focusing on her, she couldn’t take her eyes off my hands, as if she was afraid of holding it. When she finally reached the letter and our fingers touched, I just pulled her for a hug. She hugged me back, no words needed. It took longer to be a polite hug, but still, wasn’t long enough. I was close to finally decipher what her perfume was. Silly detail but it had me hypnotized but I could never understand what it was and I would never dare to ask.

This time, when the hug ended, the letter wasn’t in my hand anymore and our places had been switched. I couldn’t look at her eyes, afraid of regretting everything I had put in that paper. She couldn’t not look at me.

“I’ll read it as soon as I get home.”

And I knew she would. My fear was never her not reading the letter.

A man passed rushing near us, and we both looked at the clock.

“Have a good flight, Laurie!”

“Goodbye.”