A life where we work out

Our union did a free ticket raffle at lunch one day. The winner got a ticket to work at the post-holiday party, which coincidentally was the same catering hall I had worked at two years ago. I was so excited; it was the only thing I had thought about for weeks. No one else in my department was going, but I knew a lot of the waitstaff, so I knew I would have a good time regardless. The day finally came; I walked in and realized that I was underdressed. Everyone was wearing ball gowns and glittery dresses, while I wore a floor-length skirt and a turtle neck. They were dressed for prom, and I was dressed for a typical workday. Embarrassed, I walked into the room and sat at my table. I see some people from other departments, and we catch up. Food was finally served, so I got up to grab a plate and ran into my old bosses. "Hey, Paul!" I say as I walk up. "Rachel?! Crashing the party, I see!" Paul responds with his thick French accent. He gives me a hug and asks, "Are you married yet? I know you had this great boyfriend!" I quickly reply, "No, no, no. I am actually single." We catch up quick and I head back to my seat. That "great boyfriend" he was referring to was my ex, Zach. We broke up last February after I found out he cheated on me again. It was a very abusive relationship, mentally and physically. I started to think about Zach as I walked back to the table. We dated for a year, and it was just flushed down the toilet because he was "overwhelmed," so he decided to lie in the arms of another woman. Again. I thought about how it took me so long to finally walk away. My mom knows everything that happened, but believes that he and I are soulmates. She says we "complimented each other so well" and that we "looked great together as a couple. I sit down and start to eat, when some of the people from other departments start talking and catching up. I am the youngest person in my entire building by 40 years, so it's hard to keep up with the conversation. Looking for a way to step outside to grab a smoke, I am relieved to see my phone light up. I excuse myself, and I finally realize who was calling. My stomach drops as I step out of the room to answer. "Liam? Why are you calling me?" I say after I hear the call connected. Liam was the first man who truly made me feel loved. We dated for two months after reconnecting through social media. The first month was amazing; it felt like I finally had somebody who would put me first and someone who actually cared about me. He knew what Zach put me through and promised nothing like that would happen. Instead, during the second month of our relationship, Liam completely changed. He stopped paying as much attention to me, he never made time for me, and he'd cancel our plans to hang out with everyone else. I finally called him out on it, and he ended up telling me he "wanted his freedom". At this point, he had become such a stranger that I didn't mind giving him his freedom. "I miss you so much", I finally hear him say. I lit my cigarette and sternly responded, "You don't miss me, you just don't have anyone else to talk to." Liam is an engineer for the Navy, and he is currently underway. His mom is an alcoholic who stays out later than me, and his dad is mad at Liam because Liam owes him $2,000. "That isn't true. I really fucked up," He said, sounding like he's on the verge of crying. "I should have listened to you. I lost the best thing I've ever had. Now I have no one." He knew how to guilt me. I end up talking to him for thirty minutes. As we spoke, he reminded me of our first date. It was beautiful, simple, and sweet. It was one of the first times I really felt at peace since before I had met Zach. Thinking about how both relationships ended, I wondered if I was the issue. "I am at my union party right now, and I had to step outside to talk. It's 10 degrees outside right now, and I'm freezing," I told him. We say our goodbyes, and I go back inside and head to the bar. I ordered a drink and stepped back into the lobby to text Frankie, someone who I've gone on a few dates with and really enjoy his company. We agreed to see each other tonight, so I messaged him and asked if he was still interested in hanging out tonight. He knew it would be a late night if we hung out, so I figured that we were still on. My heart sank when his text read, "I have work early tomorrow, and I am exhausted." I didn't want to come across as clingy or upset, so I simply said, "That's okay! Maybe another time". to which he quickly responded, "Yeah, another time." I know there isn't going to be another time; there never was going to be. I head back inside and take a seat. I wanted coffee, and the server didn't come around with any. Paul was standing nearby, so I quickly asked him if he could please send the server out with some. The server came out with coffee, filled a cup for me, and one of my colleagues. "Isn't it nice to have friends in high places?" My colleague says in a snarky tone. I ignore her and drink my coffee. "Ugh, she gave me decaf," I thought to myself. The smell and flavor of it teleported me back to when I worked there. I started remembering all the friends I had made. As I took another sip, my phone lit up. It was Snapchat. This took me by surprise because I rarely use it anymore, unless it is to post on my story like I did when I was in the lobby. I pick up my phone so I can read the notification better. "What are the odds?" I thought as I read Tyler's name. I put my phone down and put the coffee mug to my lips. I smelled the coffee, and it brought me back to when I met Tyler. It was a wedding we worked together almost three years ago. He was the photographer and came up to me and asked if he could get coffee. I asked if he wanted sugar or anything, and he just said that if he got my number, that would be all the sweetness he'd need. Corny, I know. But it made me blush. It was the first man who had come up to me and flirted with me. After the wedding, we grabbed a late-night cup of coffee from 7-Eleven. It wasn't much, but it was everything to me. We got along so well, and he paid for everything, even my nails and my gas. We were unofficially dating for two months when one day he told me he didn't want to see me anymore. He brought up how he's moving to the city and has "so much" going on that he couldn't dedicate himself to me fully. I finally took a sip of my coffee. I half swiped on the message, and he replied to my story, "You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege to meet. I hope life is treating you well," he wrote. I closed Snapchat and turned my phone off. I finished my coffee, threw on my coat, and left. I made my way to my car as I lit another cigarette. I got in my car, started it immediately, and was deciding on a playlist as my car warmed up. I decided to just play my favorite songs, which are all the songs that cheer me up immediately. I turn my attention to my cigarette when I hear an all too familiar violin intro. "In a life where we work out, there's a house upon a hill," the song starts. My heart had had enough. I didn't realize I was crying until a tear fell on my shirt. Flatland Cavalry's heart-shattering song A Life Where We Work Out. It made me start thinking about Zach, Liam, Frankie, and Tyler. All very different men from very different times in my life. All of them gave up on the idea of a relationship with me. I don't center my life around men; however, my friends are all getting married within the next 18 months. So it just gets me thinking about why I couldn't be a bride? What was so wrong with me that made me undatable? Was I expecting too much from these men? Or was I expecting too little, which made them think I was uninterested? I start to wonder if God didn't intend for me to be a bride. My phone buzzes. Through tears, I read a text from my colleague telling me that the 50/50 is starting. Remembering that they announced the 50/50 was $5,000, I searched my purse for my ticket. I dumped my entire bag out and still couldn't find it. It wasn't there. Of course it wasn't, why would it be? Why would anything go my way? I finish my cigarette as Kaitlin Butts sings. "'Cause in a life where we work out, I still call you babe." I sink into my seat and just start crying hysterically. I had done everything right in all these relationships. I put in effort, reminded them how much they meant to me, complimented them, and even would drive out of my way to pick them up. I sat there and wondered what went wrong. The common denominator was me. I was good enough to have a casual relationship with, but not good enough to build a future with. And that was when I realized, I am just not meant to be a bride.