My Dear Vincent

CW: Themes of and/or references to suicide and abuse

October 12, 1994

Dear diary,

My name is Vincent Lau. I am 10 years old as of today.

My dad’s name is Adam Lau. He builds buildings.

My mom is Catherine Lau and she designs clothes.

And lastly, I have a younger brother named Ivan Lau. He is 9.

This is my family.

You are the first page of the diary grandma gave me for my birthday. Mom and dad took away the toys gifted to me. They said I need to raise my grades first if I want to have them back. They let me keep the notebook though. They said its good for keeping notes for school. Grandma insisted though that this notebook is meant for my thoughts. That I should write whatever I feel. I didn’t want to at first but she said it’s good to help me raise my grades. So, I’ll do that. So, I can get medals too.

Ivan has a lot of medals. So much so that it took up half the wall in the living room. I don’t have any hung in there yet though. I’ll write hard so I can hang something there. So that people would talk about my medals on my birthday instead of Ivan’s.

Well, that’s all I have to say tonight.

See you tomorrow diary!

October 13, 1994

Dear diary,

Mom and dad are yelling in the living room again. I hear something about mom donating money to somewhere and dad didn’t like it.

Today, Ivan got an award for competing in a classical music competition. He won first prize with his violin. He was honored at the school assembly this morning. Everybody said he plays so well. That it was so precise like a machine is playing the notes. Mom, dad, and Ivan took a photo together. They forgot to call me to join. It’s okay. Maybe next time.

Mom spoke a few words at the assembly today. She said she is proud of Ivan and that she feels happy to be a mother to him. I wonder, is she happy with being mine too? She never says anything about me. When I get an award, maybe she’d say she’s happy too.

Ivan is asleep now. I want to play with him for a little bit. I’ll just read Octo Man comics and sleep.

That’s it.

See you tomorrow diary!

October 14, 1994

Dear diary,

I have a big bruise on my arm. Dad caught me with Octo Man last night and got angry. He said why couldn’t I be good like Ivan? I didn’t know what to say. I’m wondering too. He took my latest edition and tore it up in front of me. I told him I was sorry but it didn’t seem to convince him.

I’m glad Ivan didn’t wake up from his sleep from all the noise in our shared room. I’m also relieved that there’s no school today. Otherwise, I’d have to wear a jacket all day to hide the bruise. Which I do not want to do.

I went exploring in the apartment complex today. Apparently, there’s a rooftop here. Its windy up there and quiet. I like it there. I like the quiet. I think I’ll go up there more often. I’ll show Ivan the place too.

Thank you for listening diary!

October 15, 1994

Dear diary,

We had dinner outside today. Dad said it was a birthday dinner for me. We ate in Ivan’s favorite restaurant downtown. We ordered his favorite dishes and I was stuffed after all of it. We went home afterwards. But then dad saw my latest math test. He threw the paper at me and smacked me in the face. I know I deserve it but I couldn’t help but cry. Mom said if I had done better then dad wouldn’t be hitting me. I guess that’s true. I promised I’ll try harder.

October 16, 1994

Dear diary,

When we had breakfast this morning, I made a brave decision to tell dad and mom that I’ll work hard and rank 10th in class from my previous last place rank. Ivan laughed and so did dad. Mom smiled and said if I end up doing it then they’ll let me join them in the trip to Japan on Christmas. Japan? That’s where Octo Man is! I decided I’ll work really hard and join them so I can get Octo Man toys and stuff.

I won’t write a lot today. I’ll have to study!

See you soon, diary!

October 24, 1994

Dear diary,

I woke up today and something feels wrong.

My chest feels heavy. Like there’s something on top of it and I can’t remove it. I also don’t feel like eating much too. Which is good because today’s lunch is tomato stir-fry. I don’t like tomatoes. But Ivan likes them so I gave it all to him. I hope he won’t tell mom.

Studying hasn’t been going so well. I don’t know how Ivan does it but I don’t understand a thing. I feel like screaming sometimes. When I really couldn’t take it, I go up the rooftop and scream up there. The landlady caught me one time and scolded me.

Anyway, I shouldn’t write too much. I need to study.

Until I see you again!

November 8, 1994

Dear diary,

A terrible news has reached me. And I have not stopped crying since.

The Author of Octo Man, jumped off a building this morning in Tokyo.

He didn’t survive.

They found he wrote that he felt like it would be better if he disappeared.

I feel that way sometimes too.

Mom got mad that I wouldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t.

It sucks that I still have to go to school after that.

Tonight, I don’t feel like reading about Octo Man.

Until then diary.

November 15, 1994

Dear diary,

I hate violins.

November 22, 1994

Dear diary,

Dad came home drunk tonight. He was really angry and was yelling at mom.

I tried to come in between them and he started hitting me. I ran to my room and cried.

Why doesn’t dad like me?

December 9, 1994

Dear diary,

The test results came out. I ranked last again.

I won’t be coming to Japan.

Dad didn’t get mad. He said he was tired of trying for my sake. That I am just someone who would never learn. Mom was quiet for a while. Then she said she’d call a nanny over to watch me when they go to Japan on the 16th.

I tried. I really did. But maybe this is just who I am.

I am not meant to have a place in the wall in the living room.

December 17, 1994

Dear diary.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry Ivan.

I’m sorry mom and dad.

But maybe, it would be best if I disappear too.

[There are no more entries after this]